The King of Queens

Doug Heffernan:
Friends just keep you away from TV.

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
Hasn't anyone said you look like someone?

Doug Heffernan:
Oh, you mean like every famous fat guy in every movie ever?

Spence Olchin:
Oh my God! My TiVo thinks I'm gay!

Arthur Spooner:
Why do we have to sit so close to the kitchen? Is it because we're black?

[Doug and Deacon are locked in a refrigerated truck with penguins]

Doug Heffernan:
"Warning: Please retain key as refrigerated trucks are not equipped with interior door handles". Mother of ass!

Deacon Palmer:
Douglas S. Heffernan... whats your second name?

Doug Heffernan:
Steven. And yours?

Deacon Palmer:
John.

Doug Heffernan:
Son of a mother!

[repeated line]

Doug Heffernan:
Shutie!

Doug Heffernan:
My name might as well be Fatty McButterpants.

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
What movie do you want to see?

Kelly Palmer:
Something brainless. What's that thriller where the Earth starts to lose its gravitational pull?

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
Oh, yeah... "Floaters".

Arthur Spooner:
Darling, I need to borrow the iron.

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
Dad, I told you. If you want a grilled cheese sandwich, I will make you one.

Arthur Spooner:
Why can't you be more like Rain Man?

Doug Heffernan:
All right, I'm glad you're all gathered here. Because you're about to hear the story of a driver, a swollen ankle, and get this, an iguana.

Arthur Spooner:
You know, we're quite a team. Like Jake and the Fatman. Needless to say, I'm Jake.

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
Dad, Doug and I were just thinking...

Arthur Spooner:
[to Doug] Well, I hope you didn't strain yourself. I kid out of love.

Arthur Spooner:
Ah, Paris. I haven't been back there since we liberated her in '44. The City Of Lights knew peace once more. I also got the clap, but that's a another story for another time.

Arthur Spooner:
It seems to have reached optimal temperature. Now hit me with a load of Dougie batter.

Doug Heffernan:
Let's see how the waffles go and see what happens.

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
Is this how you take a bath?

Spence Olchin:
Yes.

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
You look like Ernie from Sesame Street.

Spence Olchin:
What did I do to you?

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
Did you lift your shirt and *make* them touch your belly hair?

[Doug and Carrie are arguing about their parents]

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
Don't you bring my father into this!

Doug Heffernan:
He's out of his mind! He cancelled our cable, because the cable company wouldn't pay him each time they ran the movie "Arthur"!

Doug Heffernan:
No longer being Mastercard's b*tch? Priceless!

Doug Heffernan:
I'm going to come up with something so romantic and heartfelt it's gonna make you feel like a piece of crap! A piece of crap!

Arthur Spooner:
You gotta hand it to those Japanese, though, clever people. Still a mystery to me how we ever got them to surrender in the Second World War.

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
Well, we did annihilate two of their cities.

Arthur Spooner:
True enough. Mystery solved.

[Arthur is moving up to sleep in the room next to Carrie and Doug's bedroom]

Arthur Spooner:
Well, hello there, neighbour!

Doug Heffernan:
Hello. Why did he call me neighbour?

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
I'm moving him up here tonight, the basement was freezing.

Doug Heffernan:
How freezing?

[Arthur has put dirty dishes in the cupboard]

Doug Heffernan:
No big deal. We'll just reload the dishwasher and wash 'em. Okay, which of these did you already put away?

Arthur Spooner:
Let's see, I definitely remember putting away a blue bowl with big white and yellow sunflowers on it.

Doug Heffernan:
Okay, we don't own anything close to that.

Arthur Spooner:
What's going on?

Doug Heffernan:
It's Carrie. The weirdest thing, every time we get together with our friends to play board games, she cheats.

Arthur Spooner:
She cheats? That little girl? That's impossible.

Doug Heffernan:
Arthur, I've seen her do it.

Arthur Spooner:
No, no. She may put some cotton in her bra from time to time, but she does not cheat at board games!

Joe Heffernan:
You're out of your mind!

Arthur Spooner:
I've never been more in my mind!

Ray Barone:
What you got going on here? Log of salami, chips and cheese. I guess you're not buying in to this whole cholesterol thing, huh?

Doug Heffernan:
I buy in to it, I just wanna see how high I can get the numbers.

Arthur Spooner:
Nobody squeals like Ned Beatty!

Arthur Spooner:
Sure, Douglas, you're white hot. You rode the frog to the top, but lady luck can be a fickle whore.

[Doug is watching Gilligan's Island]

Doug Heffernan:
Oh my god. I'm fatter than the Skipper.

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
Dad, why have you been hanging around that school playground?

Arthur Spooner:
Business.

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
Not selling those dumb ribbons, I hope.

Arthur Spooner:
Let's just say kids will be running home to their mommies to tell them about their encounter with the Ribbon Man.

Danny Heffernan:
[while watching Football on a portable TV during Thanksgiving Dinner] Son Of An Ass!

[Doug, Deacon and Arthur are going to babysit Major and spend some time together]

Kelly Palmer:
Okay, honey you are all set. Here is your "see and say"... Here is pinkys, whites, towels, diapers and buttcream.

Arthur Spooner:
Buttcream?, where is this day headin'?

[Arthur looks at Doug]

Doug Heffernan:
Yeah, You wish!

Arthur Spooner:
Like I waste a wish on that, huh?

[Doug answers the phone]

Doug Heffernan:
Hello... Mhm?... Oh, hold on a second, let me get him... Arthur! Phone!

Arthur Spooner:
Who is it?

Doug Heffernan:
It's Louis Di Robertis from some law firm.

Arthur Spooner:
Tell him to drop dead!

Doug Heffernan:
Okay, I am not going to tell him to drop dead.

Arthur Spooner:
Then tell him to go to hell!

Doug Heffernan:
Not telling him that either.

Arthur Spooner:
Then you go to hell!

Doug Heffernan:
You go to hell!

Arthur Spooner:
Drop dead!

[Doug lifts up the phone]

Doug Heffernan:
Sorry, wrong number.

Arthur Spooner:
How dare you go through my personal things!

Doug Heffernan:
You go through my stuff all the time.

Arthur Spooner:
That is a lie.

Doug Heffernan:
Yesterday I caught you eating my ChapStick.

Doug Heffernan:
Good luck, Arthur

Arthur Spooner:
Thank you; and what can I say except: I hope you die, you fat pig!

Doug Heffernan:
She called last night and, uh, well, we talked.

Deacon Palmer:
Well, why didn't you just tell her you weren't the same guy?

Doug Heffernan:
I tried, but Carrie was standing right there

Deacon Palmer:
So now she thinks you ARE the Doug Heffernan she slept with?

Doug Heffernan:
Yes, and I may have told her I love her.

Deacon Palmer:
Wow, you know for someone who's done nothing wrong, you've dug yourself quite a hole here.

Carrie Heffernan:
[on machine] It's me. Listen, real quick, there's a pie in the fridge. It's for my book club, please don't touch it. Doug... please.

Spence Olchin:
I was in the other day. I told her I was allergic to peanuts, and Sienna remembered.

Danny Heffernan:
That doesn't mean she's into you, alright. It means she doesn't want to have to open your throat with a pen.

[last lines]

Ken:
[on answering machine] Hi, it's Ken. I hope this is the Doug Heffernan I met on Fire Island last Sunday. Anyway, I'd love to take you up on that cup of coffee. Call me.

Carrie Heffernan:
What's going on here, Doug?

Doug Heffernan:
THAT you believe?

Jessica:
[on machine] I can't help thinking about last Saturday, lying naked in the sand. I still quiver when I think about being with you.

Kelly:
[Kelly and Carrie laugh] She did not just say "quiver."

Carrie Heffernan:
She did, and Doug was afraid that I would think it was him! [they laugh even more]

Doug Heffernan:
You need your feet to move around!

Deacon Palmer:
You have feet, you don't move around.

Doug Heffernan:
We didn't have sex in the technical sense.

Deacon Palmer:
You didn't have sex in ANY sense.

Doug Heffernan:
I should go out and have a real affair just to show her!

Deacon Palmer:
You serious?

Doug Heffernan:
Nah, sounds like a lot of work.

Renee:
[to Carrie about a jacket she bought] That salesman had a real attitude, if I didn't want this so much, I'd feed him his own toupee.

Doug Heffernan:
I hope this tattoo's temporary, what the hell is that, a turtle eating an apple.

Doug Heffernan:
I'd eat my own foot if it was wrapped in bacon and cooked in butter.

Doug Heffernan:
Hey Arthur, come on up for breakfast. You know I can't start my day without my two scoops of Artie.

[from the basement]

Arthur Spooner:
I don't know what that means, but it sounds terrifying.

Carrie Heffernan:
Doug, Nobody's last name is penis.

Doug Heffernan:
You're trying to take my downstairs wife; you don't even have a downstairs.

Deacon Palmer:
She'd be futon wife.

Holly Shumpert:
I spent all day making Doug's favorite dishes but now they're getting cold, does he care? No because he's with some girl at his precious hockey game.

Carrie Heffernan:
Shouldn't I be the one who's upset about this?

Holly Shumpert:
Actually yeah.

Carrie Heffernan:
What's going on here?

Arthur Spooner:
Open your eyes you fools, the man has three wives!

Doug Heffernan:
[after telling the guys he has a downstairs and upstairs wife] Hol, the paper came today, it's a little wet and I wanted to read the sports section.

Holly Shumpert:
I'll just blow-dry it. [She leaves]

Danny Heffernan:
My nipples are hard.

Arthur Spooner:
I'll handle the lyrics, and you look like the sort who can write music.

Spence Olchin:
What's that supposed to mean?

Arthur Spooner:
I think you know what that means, Mr. 'I just haven't found the right girl yet.'

[Arthur gave Lou Ferrigno a copy of his screenplay]

Lou Ferrigno:
Well, Arthur, I read "Reconsidering Sandy," and to tell you the truth, I'm a little confused.

Arthur Spooner:
Confused about what?

Lou Ferrigno:
Well, first of all, there's at least three characters named Mike.

Arthur Spooner:
Let me ask you something, Lou. Have you ever met anyone else named Lou?

Lou Ferrigno:
Well, yes.

Arthur Spooner:
Slice of life, my friend. I just writes it like I sees it. So, what's the next step? Can you get me a meeting at the William-Morris office?

Lou Ferrigno:
I don't think so.

Arthur Spooner:
I understand your problem. Even though you're not right for the lead role of Smithy, I have the perfect role for you: Henchman #2.

Lou Ferrigno:
That's another thing. There's no Henchman #1.

Doug Heffernan:
Do you think I'm a big sack of crap?

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
Have you been reading my diary?

Doug Heffernan:
I just found out that Deacon is a Big Brother.

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
You just figured that out now?

Doug Heffernan:
No, I don't mean he's a big brotha', I mean he's a Big Brother.

Arthur Spooner:
Douglas; would this be a good time to talk about my psoriosis?

Doug Heffernan:
Arthur, I was sitting here eating and thinking; yeah this would be a good time.

Arthur Spooner:
It's moved south. What should I do?

Doug Heffernan:
I don't know; I'm not a doctor.

Arthur Spooner:
Tell me something I don't know. You're not a doctor.

Doug Heffernan:
Arthur; I'll give you $50 to go back downstairs.

Arthur Spooner:
Oh, sorry. I was just remembering a little girl with pigtails and braces on her teeth telling me, "I made the bestest toast ever!"

Carrie Heffernan:
[Doug is suspicious about Carrie's boss driving her home] Honey, if he didn't drive me home then we wouldn't be able to have sex in his car!

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
Well, you said we should get ourselves something that says "we done good" and this says "I done good!"

Doug Heffernan:
No, it says "I done spent a crapload of money!"

Doug Heffernan:
You cut off a school bus?

Carrie Heffernan:
They were fifth graders. It's not like they were in kindergarten, they know how the world works.

[reading her birthday card]

Carrie Heffernan:
You are my bilgistic pile of love meat. Love, Doug.

Arthur Spooner:
So I looked her square in the eye and said, "Ma'am, you are undoubtedly the most fetching woman in all of Schreiport."

Kelly Palmer:
[laughs] Then what did she say?

Arthur Spooner:
My good sir, I do believe you are giving me the vapors.

Kelly Palmer:
[laughs] Nice. Then what happened?

Arthur Spooner:
I knocked the barbeque out of her hand, bent her over the porch railing and said, "I'll give you more than vapors, you nasty..."

Carrie Heffernan:
Ok! Enough! Charming story gone very wrong.

Carrie Heffernan:
[Watching Doug mix his cereals] What are you doing?

Doug Heffernan:
Simple. I'm mixing my sweet Cocoa Krispies with the more sensible Rice Krispies. And what do you get? A healthier me.

Carrie Heffernan:
Or you could just have a piece of fruit.

Doug Heffernan:
Fruit? Why the hell do you gotta go there?

Carrie Heffernan:
I'm in a bad mood 'cause of work. Pruzan got his first big case as partner and he's going off the deep end. I mean, could you believe the time I got home?

Doug Heffernan:
Why? Was it late?

Carrie Heffernan:
It was three in the morning. Don't you know when I'm not home?

Doug Heffernan:
I gotta be honest with you, Carrie. When that Comforter gets bunched up, you're easy to lose.

Doug Heffernan:
What's this big case you got anyway?

Carrie Heffernan:
It's actually kind of interesting. We're representing these shareholders of this dot com who claim management run the company into the ground. And managers tried to blame everybody else - the distributors, the delivery services... [Sees Doug with a lost look on his face] Very far away right now, aren't you?

Doug Heffernan:
I want to listen. You just have to give me something to hang on to. Like, like instead of saying shareholders, you could say midgets.

[Doug and Carrie can't sleep because of the neighbors' dog]

Doug Heffernan:
You know, as long as we can't sleep you wanna take advantage of this and... go to a diner?

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
[Carrie and Doug walk into their bedroom to find Arthur sitting on their bed] Dad! What are you doing in here, I'm in my bra!

Arthur Spooner:
[making a dismissive gesture] So, I've seen better.

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
[to the Sackskys] At night, we like to sleep. We're kinda kooky that way!

Arthur Spooner:
Needless to say... you're dead to me.

Denise:
Yeah, it's, um, it's really great to meet you, Mrs. Olchin. Spence is just such a wonderful guy.

Veronica Olchin:
You can thank me for that. He was a little bastard as a kid, till I spanked it outta him.

Denise:
Great. Thank you.

Veronica Olchin:
I smacked his bottom so red, it looked like an Indian's ass.

Spence Olchin:
Mom!

Veronica Olchin:
Excuse me! Native American's ass.

Janet Heffernan:
[Janet and Carrie are discussing Doug] I feel like it was just yesterday he was sittin' in his jammies, eatin' a jelly sandwich, watchin' "Heckle and Jeckle".

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
Actually, that was yesterday.

Doug Heffernan:
Salsa dancing? That's got 'split my pants' written all over it.

Danny Heffernan:
[Danny and Spence are housesitting for Doug and Carrie and are fighting over who gets the bed. Danny is already in bed and Spence threatens to get into bed with him] Fine, bring it. What's taking so long?

Spence Olchin:
[Starts disrobing] You think I'm going to let one uncomfortable camp experience keep me out of this bed, you are wrong. Alright, I'm getting in and I'm not getting out.

Danny Heffernan:
Great. Still want to stay? Because I sleep freestyle. [Reaches under the sheets, pulls off his underpants, and flings them across the room]

Spence Olchin:
You know what? [Reaches under the sheets, pulls off his underpants and drops them on the bedspread] So do I. Ah, ooh, that's good.

Danny Heffernan:
[They slowly realize that neither one of them are wearing underpants] We may have wandered down a bad road here.

Doug Heffernan:
They're helpless antelopes and we're lions in the grass... Let the hunt begin.

Doug Heffernan:
I don't know if you ladies watch professional rollerderby, but I'm Doug Heffernan.

[Doug, Carrie and Arthur are in the car]

Arthur Spooner:
Hey, pull over I need to use the John.

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
Why didn't you go when we dropped Spence off?

Arthur Spooner:
I didn't need to go then. Excuse me for not having a prostate!

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
[thinking] Aww, look at him reading, he's really trying. What is growing out of his ear?

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
Doug, it's just a book... you can read can't you?

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
Doug, I know you beat up Spence for his homework!

Doug Heffernan:
He told you! He is so dead!

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
No, he did not tell me, his mother called!

Doug Heffernan:
I'm so screwed!

Richie Iannucci:
Book business again?

Doug Heffernan:
The [book] club is tomorrow... and I'm on page 2! I can't even say I've got a firm grasp on page 1!

Carrie Heffernan:
Doug can't be happy with his life, wearing short pants to work and dragging packages to people.

Deacon Palmer:
You know I do the same thing?

Carrie Heffernan:
You said you were happy with your life.

Doug Heffernan:
Denial ain't just a river in Spain, honey.

Spence Olchin:
Danny and I are going to check out the Haunted Castle.

Danny Heffernan:
Yeah, scared chicks are very approachable.

[to Carrie]

Doug Heffernan:
Try and keep it together here, and know that I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at the situation. We're out of Cocoa Puffs.

Doug Heffernan:
You know what I really love about being married to you?

Carrie Heffernan:
Not having to pay for sex?

Carrie Heffernan:
Honey, could you pass the, um, "I Can't Believe It's Not Salad Dressing?"

Carrie Heffernan:
And is there a reason you keep saying 'we'?

Doug Heffernan:
Yeah! It's -- it's just like "Weeeeee, we're on a diet!"

Carrie Heffernan:
C'mon, Doug, I really wanna know! How would you feel if I did end up looking like my mother?

Doug Heffernan:
I'd be fine with it. [turns to the window and makes a face]

Carrie Heffernan:
Doug! I could see your reflection in the window!

Doug Heffernan:
Hey, Deke, let me ask you, you think Carrie's gained weight?

Deacon Palmer:
What?

Doug Heffernan:
Carrie, my wife, do you think she's gained a little weight, a couple pounds, maybe?

Deacon Palmer:
I don't know. Every time I see her she's blocked by you.

Arthur Spooner:
I thought ironic meant made up entirely of iron.

Carrie Heffernan:
Doug, did you see my blue camisol?

Doug Heffernan:
I'd be more help if I knew what a camisol was.

[to Carrie]

Arthur Spooner:
You're painted like a whore and you're smoking cigarettes. The whore part I'm used to, but the smoking'll kill you!

Carrie Heffernan:
Don't you think Spence needs a date?

Doug Heffernan:
No. He's got a very nice routine: work, dinner with his mom, Babylon 5, then sleep. Why screw around with it?

Carrie Heffernan:
These researchers, they kept a male monkey alone for so long, that when they finally stuck a female in with him, he threw feces at her and he humped a eucalyptus tree.

[Doug advances, leering]

Carrie Heffernan:
That turns you on?

Doug Heffernan:
A little bit, yeah.

Carrie Heffernan:
Jenny, did I tell you Spence sells tokens on the subway?

Doug Heffernan:
[sotto voce] That's the way to impress her.

Spence Olchin:
[following allergic reaction] I must look great.

Jenny:
Actually, you're kind of cute when you're not convulsing.

Spence Olchin:
That's almost half the time.

Doug Heffernan:
Would you rather have your big toe amputated or make out with Larry King for 15 minutes?

Richie Iannucci:
We lyin' down or standin' up?

Doug Heffernan:
You're leaning against a car.

Richie Iannucci:
Argh, it's right down the line!

Carrie Heffernan:
Any sign of my dad?

Doug Heffernan:
No. I thought I saw him in the park, but it was just a weird-shaped kid.

Carrie Heffernan:
[catching 'food-unfaithful' Doug who is sneakily devouring the leftovers of Becky's salad back in the kitchen] You would do this to me over salad?

Doug Heffernan:
I am very weak.

Carrie Heffernan:
[Arthur is watching 'It's A Wonderful Life'] Ah, 'It's A Wonderful Life'. Pretty great, huh?

Arthur Spooner:
Actually, I think it's a swing and a miss.

Carrie Heffernan:
What are you talking about? It's one of the greatest movies of all time.

Arthur Spooner:
With George Bailey, the town is boring. Without him, there's nightclubs and bars. It's fabulous. I wish he hadn't been born.

Spence Olchin:
[about Arthur] I can't believe he's never seen 'The Wizard of Oz'.

Carrie Heffernan:
So, how are you liking it so far, dad?

Arthur Spooner:
[Scared on seeing the film] Is anyone else but me terrified?

Arthur Spooner:
I couldn't help overhearing your conversation... because I was eavesdropping.

Gloria:
No offense, but I'm not sure I want advice from a guy who bounces a check for $1.42.

Arthur Spooner:
I have offshore accounts. I was moving monies around.

Doug Heffernan:
Kirby's been asking a lot of questions about 'the ladies'. Looks like I'm gonna have to have 'the talk' with him.

Carrie Heffernan:
Oh boy.

Doug Heffernan:
Yeah, in fact I was hoping you could go over some stuff with me 'cause, uh, I've never been 100% sure about what you guys got going on down there.

Carrie Heffernan:
I know baby.

Arthur Spooner:
What do we have here?

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
Vacation brochures. It looks like we're going to the Caribbean next week.

Arthur Spooner:
We are? Oh, goody.

Doug Heffernan:
Well, I hope you mean for us.

Arthur Spooner:
I see. Once again I humiliate myself by assuming I'm a member of this family.

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
Come on, you'll have fun. You can invite Spence, and we'll buy you something from St. Croix.

Arthur Spooner:
You think you can buy me off with some cheap island trinket, a linen shirt 42-long? How dare you?

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
You lied?

Doug Heffernan:
I may have.

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
You may have, or you did?

Doug Heffernan:
I may have did.

[Arthur calls Doug in St. Croix]

Arthur Spooner:
Douglas? It's Arthur Spooner.

Doug Heffernan:
Okay, last name not necessary.

Doug Heffernan:
[erratically caressing his stomach, his wrist watch catches something] Nipple!

Danny Heffernan:
Why can't I find a great girl?

Doug Heffernan:
I could tell you the truth, but it'd feel like a donkey kick.

Danny Heffernan:
Maybe you should get Lou the Spiderman 2 game.

Doug Heffernan:
Yeah, I'm going to get the Incredible Hulk a Spiderman game. Who raised you?

Carrie Heffernan:
Didn't you get my message?

Doug Heffernan:
No, my phone's on vibrate, I left it in my pocket, and - do you have a cigarette?

Spence Olchin:
Oh, I feel like Anne Frank.

Stephanie Heffernan:
I don't think I've ever seen so many marionettes before.

Doug Heffernan:
Mahi mahi is for me-hi me-hi.

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
Oh my God! You're praying for the Jets!

Doug Heffernan:
No I'm not!

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
Yes you were! You were praying for the Jets to win!

Doug Heffernan:
No, no. I was praying for them to cover the spread! That's a whole other thing!

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
You are such a hypocrite! You get on my back about shoes and you're praying for a football game?

Doug Heffernan:
Oh please, shoes are way more petty than a football game!

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
Is not! Can you wear a football game?

Doug Heffernan:
Can you spend an entire Sunday watching shoes?

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
Yes I can!

[Arthur is playing chess by himself in the basement and hears Spence entering the kitchen]

Arthur Spooner:
Come down here and play with me, I'm tired of playing with myself.

Spence Olchin:
Pardon?

Arthur Spooner:
So your mother sleeps around, what else is new?

Arthur Spooner:
Shame on you, Carrie. I've pushed tons of people down the stairs, but damn it, I always own up to it.

Carrie Heffernan:
How was your physical therapy?

Doug Heffernan:
Not so good. I had some deep tissue work done on my inner thigh while I went to my safe place.

Arthur Spooner:
You play the part of the lumbering imbecile quite well.

Doug Heffernan:
[reading Major's story about Thanksgiving] We used to have Thanksgiving as a family. Then mommy and daddy started yelling and got a 'dwivorce'. Now we're having dinner with some white family... [Doug, Deacon and Carrie look confused]

Doug Heffernan:
Hey, that's us!

Carrie Heffernan:
The white people came over from England on The Mayflower!

Major Palmer:
Well then, how did the black people get here?

Carrie Heffernan:
[doesn't know what to say] Want a cupcake?

Doug Heffernan:
On ESPN, the National Spelling Bee. There was an Indian kid with a lisp, kicking ASS!

Deacon Palmer:
How could you possibly think there'd be valet parking at a diner in Ohio?

Danny Heffernan:
I've never been to Ohio, I don't know the local customs.

Doug Heffernan:
We need something huge, something nice, thoughtful, sensitive, almost gay.

[turns to Spence]

Doug Heffernan:
What you got?

[Carrie put Doug on a diet and wants to eat a pizza herself]

Carrie Heffernan:
Oh, have your stupid pizza!

Doug Heffernan:
Really?

Carrie Heffernan:
Yeah.

Doug Heffernan:
You're not just baiting me, like that time you told me I can get the porn channel, then said I disgust you?

Charlotte:
There's this really cute boy at school.

Carrie Heffernan:
Michael?

Charlotte:
Yeah, but he likes Donna Pizzoni.

Carrie Heffernan:
Well, just make him like you, instead

Charlotte:
How?

Carrie Heffernan:
Well, you just start a nasty rumor about the other girl. You know? "She's a skank" or "she's poor." Could be anything, really, and before you know it, you'll be wearing his varsity jacket.

Carrie Heffernan:
Bad news ...

Doug Heffernan:
If it's about being out of mini-donuts, I'm aware, and I am not happy.

Doug Heffernan:
[eyeing pamphlet] "Wealth Building Annuities"... stupid.

Carrie Heffernan:
I think it's going to happen. I'm actually going to kill you this time.

Doug Heffernan:
Alright, I gotta take a little bathroom break. Who wants to watch the truck? [points to fat kid] Ain't going to happen.

Carrie Heffernan:
And you guys are okay with this? I mean, you want her to be the mom and not me?

Charlotte:
Uh-huh.

Kenny:
You were cool until you kind of went all nut bar.

[about having a baby]

Carrie Heffernan:
Let's leave it in the hands of God.

Doug Heffernan:
What?

Carrie Heffernan:
If I make this light, we're having a baby!

Doug Heffernan:
You see, it's not about me. It's really about what's best for the company, the team. There is no "I" in IPS.

Lynn:
Do you... you know, get in to a lot of fights at the club?

Doug Heffernan:
Well, you know, it is... it's... I try everything I can not to fight. It's like I tell my boys. Always be nice. Be very nice. Until it's time to not be nice. Then... be very not nice.

Lynn:
[laughs] I love that!

Doug Heffernan:
Yeah, I can't take full credit though. Patrick Swayze said it at Road House.

Lynn:
Oh, I never saw that movie.

Doug Heffernan:
You never saw it...? It's only the greatest movie ever made except for Risky Business.

Carrie Heffernan:
Why are you so obsessed with this toy, anyway?

Doug Heffernan:
I guess it reminds me of a simpler time in my life, you know? A time when I didn't have to worry about payin' bills or goin' after that big promotion.

Carrie Heffernan:
Okay, you've never done either of those.

Doug Heffernan:
I might get fired!

Carrie Heffernan:
Don't worry, you'll get better.

Doug Heffernan:
You think so?

Carrie Heffernan:
Nooooo!

Doug Heffernan:
What smells like mustard?

Carrie Heffernan:
My bonus.

Deacon Palmer:
This co-supervisor thing ain't working out for me.

Doug Heffernan:
What are you trying to say?

Deacon Palmer:
I'm saying you suck and I want you out of here.

Doug Heffernan:
You ever done it with a supervisor before?

Carrie Heffernan:
When I worked at Shoe Town... and Beverage Barn.

Deacon Palmer:
I'm not going to get fired for your mistake.

Doug Heffernan:
They're not going to fire you; you're a minority!

Doug Heffernan:
[Carrie is making Doug pancakes for breakfast before he goes to work]

Doug Heffernan:
You know what? I'll just eat 'em in the car.

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
Wait a minute... how are you gonna eat pancakes, drink coffee and drive?

Doug Heffernan:
I've eaten wonton soup driving through San Francisco on a motorcycle. I think I can handle a couple of flapjacks. [pause] Could you get the door?

Kaplan:
You a climber Doug?

Doug Heffernan:
Ya, ya a little bit, ya.

Kaplan:
There's nothing like it, is there?

Doug Heffernan:
No there is not.

Kaplan:
How high up ya been?

Doug Heffernan:
Hmm?

Kaplan:
What's the highest elevation you hit?

Doug Heffernan:
Ah, ow, ah, 29028 feet.

Kaplan:
29000 feet?, that's Everest, you've climbed Mount Everest?

Doug Heffernan:
Yes I did.

Doug Heffernan:
[after leaving Deacon's apartment where a smoking-hot stewardess is waiting, to Deacon, imitating hypnotist] We never were here. The last five minutes never happened.

Carrie Heffernan:
Hey! I know I have to die someday, but I'm gonna be really pissed off if it's today because of this!

[Spence enters carrying a large sign]

Deacon Palmer:
How's the new job?

Spence Olchin:
How do you think it's going? I stand all day on the sidewalk carrying this.

Danny Heffernan:
Yeah, well, at least no one's peeing on you like when you worked in the subway.

Spence Olchin:
Heh. Guess again.

Carrie Heffernan:
Doug, I don't understand. You eat fast food two, three times a week. It never occurred to you that animals are involved?

Doug Heffernan:
Because they don't make it look like an animal! They're very clever that way.

Mr. Kaufman:
My wife thinks 1,100 pages is too long for a book. Sometimes I forget she is only 29.

[Carrie and Doug picked Arthur up in a bar]

Carrie Heffernan:
I got to be honest with you dad, okay? Your date... looked like a pro.

[Arthur is dressed rather unusual]

Arthur:
Tonight's theme is Maui Madness.

Doug:
Well, I think you look great, Arthur. I like the way the purple brings out the veins in your legs.

[Arthur will only sell a little troll doll to Carrie for 50 bucks]

Carrie Heffernan:
Okay, this is a troll, and I am your daughter.

Arthur Spooner:
I know the difference.

Doug Heffernan:
[on if his aunt and Arthur had a kid] That would mean he'd be both my cousin and my brother-in-law. Oh, God, I hear banjo music.

Arthur Spooner:
I got two words for you: I'm saying right here!

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
That's four words.

Arthur Spooner:
Oh, is it? Then I got another four words: Screw you!

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
Well, that's two words.

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
I have a surprise for you.

Doug Heffernan:
You're pregnant. Yes!

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
No.

Doug Heffernan:
Thank God!

Arthur Spooner:
[watching his house burn down] I wonder if it's too late to buy insurance?

Arthur Spooner:
I'm 75 years old, and I still wake up with the little guy saluting.

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
The last time Tessie left you alone for two minutes, she found you shingling the roof with no pants... and no shingles.

Doug Heffernan:
[to Sarah] And no more soapy shower silhouettes getting me all hot when I'm trying to shave. [Carrie glares] You got that, Arthur?

Spence Olchin:
Where do you want to go for dinner? Can I talk you into Ethiopian?

Arthur Spooner:
I'm not in the mood for gazelle, thank you.

Doug Heffernan:
You might have won 3 games, but I had more total points.

Deacon Palmer:
I don't think that's possible.

[about Carrie's pole dancing]

Doug Heffernan:
She says it gets her in touch with her inner whore.

Doug Heffernan:
[Doug and Deacon are watching a Pole Dancing class at the gym] I don't know if Carrie will do that. Do you think you could talk Kelly into something like that?

Deacon Palmer:
I don't know, never thought about it.

[smirking]

Deacon Palmer:
But, then we got plenty going on in there anyway.

Doug Heffernan:
Don't you ever get tired of being a racial stereotype?

Deacon Palmer:
No, do you?

Marilyn:
I assume you're taking folic acid.

Carrie Heffernan:
Well, I took some at a Metallica concert once - woke up the next day at the parking lot of a Waldbaum's.

[Dr. Linhardt is Carrie's gynaecologist]

Carrie Heffernan:
This is my husband, Doug.

Dr. Linhardt:
Doug, hello, it would seem congratulations are in order.

Doug Heffernan:
And to you! It took me two whole dates to go where you're about to go.

Lou Ferrigno:
Arthur borrowed 30 dollar from me and he said he'd pay me back today.

Doug Heffernan:
Lou, Lou, Lou... that money's gone.

[after the party]

Doug Heffernan:
Now we know. When Lou drinks a little tequila, he starts lifting people over his head.

Spence Olchin:
We should've robbed this house 45 minutes ago.

Danny Heffernan:
I had to get my allergy shot.

Spence Olchin:
We're not robbing a cat!

[to Carrie]

Doug Heffernan:
At our wedding we had about 125 guests; eleven years later we have six. So you might wanna pull your attitude back a little.

Arthur Spooner:
Darling, I need to borrow the iron.

Carrie Heffernan:
Dad, I told you, if you want a grilled cheese sandwich, I will make you one!

Doug Heffernan:
So you're gonna get cancer to prove a point?

Carrie Heffernan:
Sure! I'll be in an iron lung, you'll be in a wheelchair. Hey, you know what, maybe we can chip in and get a helper monkey!

Doug Heffernan:
Let's shake things up a bit.

Ray Barone:
You wanna get a pizza?

Doug Heffernan:
No! [pauses] Well, yes, I do. But that's not the point!

Arthur Spooner:
What? Three people can't play golf together? It's not sex, for God's sake!

Doug Heffernan:
[imitating Richie] Hey, Ray, can you do me a favor? Can you hook me up with one of the models in the underwear ad? [now imitating Ray Barone] Eh, I don't know, we're not even in the same department. Ehh, I'm trying to swing!

Carrie Heffernan:
Yeah, that's good, honey. Now do William Shatner.

Carrie Heffernan:
Who was that?

Doug Heffernan:
It's Ray Barone. He wants to know if his mother can drop him off here.

Carrie Heffernan:
For what, a play date?

Arthur Spooner:
You're not throwing out these rubber bands, are you?

Carrie Heffernan:
They're all broken, dad.

Arthur Spooner:
So? You tie the ends together and they're as good as new, Mrs. Rockefeller.

Doug Heffernan:
So you all moved in to your brother's place?

Richie Iannucci:
Yeah, yeah, two days ago. [pause]

Richie Iannucci:
Listen, Moose. Thanks again for telling me. I'm sorry I threw up on you.

Doug Heffernan:
Well, it was bad news.

Richie Iannucci:
That 75-cent shrimp cocktail didn't help either.

Arthur Spooner:
So, what are you doing?

Carrie Heffernan:
Studying for my paralegal exam.

Arthur Spooner:
Paralegal, huh? Ah, I respect those people. No feeling from the waist down and they still practice law. God bless 'em.

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
[after Arthur asks why Spence is seating in his seat at breakfast] Spence moved out of his mom's house last night, so he's going to stay with us until he gets a place of his own.

Arthur Spooner:
Oh, I see. I must have missed the family meeting where all of this was decided.

Doug Heffernan:
There was no family meeting about this, Arthur.

Arthur Spooner:
Well, God bless fascism!

Arthur Spooner:
In all the jobs I ever had, I never kowtowed to the bosses. I spoke my mind!

Carrie Heffernan:
Which is why you have no pension, no benefits and you live in our basement.

Arthur Spooner:
You really swung from the heels on that one, didn't ya?

Richie Iannucci:
[Beeper goes off] Oh, it's my beeper. Ah, large fire. I need to go.

Deacon Palmer:
Oh hell no.

Richie Iannucci:
[Talks to Veronica Olchin] There's a large fire, so uhh... I need to go, bye.

Doug Heffernan:
No, no, no! You can't do this!

Richie Iannucci:
Later suckers! [Makes a salute emote]

Deacon Palmer:
And now what?

Veronica Olchin:
Let's dance! [Doug and Deacon are looking at Veronica with mouths wide open]

Carrie Heffernan:
Did you ever have a friend whose life sucked so bad it made you feel better about your own?

Holly:
No.

Carrie Heffernan:
Well, I did. It was you.

Spence Olchin:
[to Doug's mother] Excuse me, Mrs. Heffernan; can I use the restroom?

Joe Heffernan:
Oh, no; here we go again.

Spence Olchin:
Wait a minute; first, I didn't know you were home that day, second, Victoria Principal was on the cover of the new 'People' and third, what kind of man owns a hardware store and doesn't put locks on the bathroom door?

Arthur Spooner:
[Enters hardware store] Ah, just the man I wanted to see.

Owen:
Hey, what's up?

Arthur Spooner:
I have something to show you, vis-a-vis our conversation the other day.

Owen:
What?

Arthur Spooner:
Meet the future. The prototype of the "Arthur's" head screwdriver.

Owen:
Oh-oh, yeah.

Arthur Spooner:
I fashioned it from an old typewriter key. You see, the letter "A" on the screwdriver will fit into the corresponding "A" hole in the "Arthur's" screw.

Owen:
Cool.

Arthur Spooner:
So, uh, how many units would be an appropriate first order for an item of this magnitude?

Owen:
I don't know.

Arthur Spooner:
Ballpark.

Owen:
10,000.

Arthur Spooner:
Really? My heart's beatin' like a rabbit. We'll be in touch.

Arthur Spooner:
[Arthur walks out of the hardware store, raises his left arm and head upward] Ya-ha!

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
[looking at online pictures of a grill company webpage] So, where is the grill?

Doug Heffernan:
You are in it. It is a steak-eye view.

Doug Heffernan:
[about their wives' so revered gynecologist] So, what is special about this doctor?

Deacon Palmer:
I don't know... He is gentle, suave... - he is like a vagina-whisperer!

[Spence has decided not to take Lou Ferrigno to a Sci-Fi convention because Adam West agreed to go]

Adam West:
If you ran into Bill Shatner this morning, would you have dumped me too?

Spence Olchin:
I want to say "no," but I'm so weak.

Adam West:
This is why me, Lou, Bill, and Lee Majors look out for each other. To protect ourselves from pasty-faced opportunists such as yourself.

Spence Olchin:
Yeah, Fantasy Fest '05 is a geekfest. That's why 3 different hobbits are showing up.

[Doug's hairdresser is a very pretty woman]

Carrie Heffernan:
When we got married, you took a sacred vow to me.

Doug Heffernan:
To do what, only get my hair cut by ugly people?

[last lines]

[to Doug]

Lou Ferrigno:
We hear you have a hot hairdresser.

Adam West:
We want in!

Arthur Spooner:
I would like a parrot and name him Douglass.

[Later]

Arthur Spooner:
I would like a live parrot and name him Douglass II. Actually, I should scrape what's left of Douglass I off the garage door.

Carrie Heffernan:
Ok Doug, you know what? This year I don't want a Christmas present. All I want is for you to stop acting like a big baby and grow up.

Doug Heffernan:
No, I gave that to you last year.

[a midget hit on Carrie]

Doug Heffernan:
Hey, guy hits on my woman, I'm gonna throw down.

Carrie Heffernan:
Really? How come you didn't do anything to that banker who asked me out to dinner last week?

Doug Heffernan:
Because, he was almost my height.

Carrie Heffernan:
You're my husband. You're supposed to protect me.

Doug Heffernan:
I never agreed to that.

Arthur Spooner:
Why are you late?

Spence Olchin:
You called me 10 minutes ago and told me to be here in 10 minutes.

Arthur Spooner:
I've had enough of your excuses.

Carrie Heffernan:
Oh, look, it's Robert Goulet.

Robert Goulet:
Where, where?

Doug Heffernan:
Our peice of crap car broke down right in the middle of the crap crappity crap crap thing!

Doug Heffernan:
I don't need desserts to make a mess in the bedroom.

Carrie Heffernan:
If I put my mind to it, I can mash, shuck, and jive and all that, don't you think?

Doug Heffernan:
Absolutely. Can I get some TV dinners just as a backup?

Richie Iannucci:
So, you guys got a big Thanksgiving planned?

Carrie Heffernan:
No, thank God.

Doug Heffernan:
Just a long weekend with nothing to do except the three F's: food, football, and... [looks to Carrie] makin' love.

Carrie Heffernan:
Emily and Peter blew us off again tonight.

Doug Heffernan:
Really? That's weird.

Carrie Heffernan:
They said they had to go bird shopping. Who goes bird shopping on a Saturday night? Who goes bird shopping?

[Doug, Deacon, and Danny are sitting on the couch in the living room, eating nachos and cheese]

Doug Heffernan:
What are you doing?

Danny Heffernan:
What?

Deacon Palmer:
You're taking all the cheese.

Danny Heffernan:
It came up with the chip.

Doug Heffernan:
Yeah, 'cause you grabbed the nucleus.

Danny Heffernan:
What?

Doug Heffernan:
Every pile of nachos has one main chip that holds the whole thing together... the nucleus. You don't take the nucleus, you work around it. You honor it.

Deacon Palmer:
That's Nachos 101, man.

Carrie Heffernan:
Did you make them touch your belly hair?

Doug Heffernan:
What?

Carrie Heffernan:
DID you?

Doug Heffernan:
I have no idea what you're sayin'!

Carrie Heffernan:
Did you lift up your shirt and make Peter and Ellen touch your belly hair?

Doug Heffernan:
Yeah, and then I threw on a G-string and gave them a little lap dance, yeah!

Doug Heffernan:
[lifting up his shirt and rubbing his stomach] Is this a lot of hair right here, seriously? I mean, a lot of people say I'm hairy, but I don't think I'm hairy enough...

Arthur Spooner:
[as he gets out of a hot tub, naked] It's called gravity, Douglas, and it's coming for ya.

Carrie Heffernan:
[on the engagement ring] You really fell ass-backward into somethin', didn't you, hon?

Salesman:
So what are you going to do with the money?

Doug Heffernan:
We're putting this money in the bank for our kids' college. Well, right after we get the hot tub and the satellite dish... but then, it's going straight to the bank.

Doug Heffernan:
[Doug and Carrie gain confidence to join Deacon and Kelly who are on a double date with "their" friends] We've got "Heffer-vescence".

Doug Heffernan:
Friends just keep you from TV.

Abby Shropshire:
Actually, I was just telling these guys that Marc and I have definitely decided to have a baby

Doug Heffernan:
Oh, that's great!

Carrie Heffernan:
Yeah! Way to go, you two!

Doug Heffernan:
You wanna hear something weird? Uh, Carrie and I have decided to have one, too.

Abby Shropshire:
Really?

Carrie Heffernan:
Yup! yup! [pokes Abby] Race ya!

Julie:
Hey, is one of you guys Doug Heffernan?

Doug Heffernan:
That would be me.

Julie:
Hi I'm Julie Patterson, you're supposed to be my trainer person.

[she laughs]

Arthur Spooner:
Douglas, there's no shame in being a trash can licker.

Doug Heffernan:
Why would I lick a trash can?

Carrie Heffernan:
I don't know. Didn't you once tell me you ate the feed they have at petting zoos?

Doug Heffernan:
My sister told me if I did, I could grow a moustache.

Arthur Spooner:
Douglas, would you please pass me the catsup?

Doug Heffernan:
The what?

Arthur Spooner:
The catsup.

Doug Heffernan:
Did you mean the ketchup?

Arthur Spooner:
Highly educated people pronounce it catsup.

Doug Heffernan:
Not if they want me to pass it to them.

Doug Heffernan:
Think I can take her?

Deacon Palmer:
Listen, I love you and I believe in you. If you can dream it, you can do it. But when I look in her eyes... I see you dead.

Joanne:
If you want to order something else, tell me and I'll get it for you. Okay, sir?

Doug Heffernan:
Right.

[to Deacon]

Doug Heffernan:
What a bee-atch.

Joanne:
Did you say something? What did you call me?

Doug Heffernan:
I didn't call you anything.

Joanne:
Oh, you didn't call me anything? Cause I though I heard bee-atch.

Doug Heffernan:
I was telling my friend he had a bee on his watch. It's gone now.

Deacon Palmer:
I'm very allergic.

Joanne:
So now you guys are messing with me? You wanna go? I'll go right now.

Doug Heffernan:
You're saying you want to fight me?

Joanne:
Anytime.

Doug Heffernan:
I'm not going to fight you.

Joanne:
Yeah. I didn't think so.

[she leaves]

Deacon Palmer:
That was bone-chilling.

[playing with Carrie's automatic transcription software]

Arthur Spooner:
We have nothing to fear but fear itself... It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... Bosoms!

Doug Heffernan:
I think I know my way around town. I'm a driver, you know.

Carrie Heffernan:
Yes, I know. I'm reminded every time I look at your paycheck.

Doug Heffernan:
How was..."spinning"?

Carrie Spooner Heffernan:
Great- I feel happy, healthy, and more alive. How was sitting on the couch rotting?

Doug Heffernan:
I'll let you know when I'm done.

Doug Heffernan:
[ENTERING HOSPITAL ROOM HOLDING "WORD SEARCH" BOOK, TO COMATOSE CO-WORKER] "Hey, I brought you a crossword puzzle book."

Deacon Palmer:
You know, I don't like lying to my wife. Doesn't make me feel too good.

Doug Heffernan:
[mocking in a wimpy voice] Oh, I don't like lying to my wife. Lying makes my tummy ache.

Corn meal works better and is half the price!