NCIS, Season 9

Ziva:
I do not know what you are investigating, and I do not need to know, but ever since we lost Levin and Franks and EJ left, NCIS has been through a lot. We have been through a lot. We need some time.

Tony:
We. As you in you and me?

Ziva:
That's not what I meant.

Tony:
Well what did you mean then, Ziva?

Ziva:
All I'm saying is, look out for yourself. Please.

Abby:
[watching footage of Tony in the bullpen] Okay, he starts to turn the picture over. There!

McGee:
Go two frames back. See, that looks like a woman to me.

Abby:
No, it doesn't. It looks like a hairy pirate with a mustache!

McGee:
You mean Tony's assignment is to kill Johnny Depp?

Ziva:
I like Johnny Depp.

Abby:
This isn't working.

Ziva:
It is too grainy. I cannot see anything.

McGee:
I don't feel comfortable doing this.

Abby:
I know. We're spying. On family.

Ziva:
Well, sometimes we must cross boundaries to protect those we care about.

McGee:
Well, hypothetically, what if Ray was Tony's target?

Ziva:
Okay, though I am confident it is not Ray, we should prepare ourselves for the unexpected.

McGee:
I hope it isn't anyone we know.

Ducky:
Mr. Palmer, what do you suppose the SecNav is saying to him? [referring to Director Vance]

Palmer:
Well, if I were him I'd be asking how to get blood out of a $200 white dress shirt. See, it's all about oxygenating the stain. My mother used to use club soda, but my uncle preferred Perrier with a dash of -- the incision. They're probably talking about the incision.

Rachel:
Why do you think you keep getting involved with dysfunctional women?

Tony:
[angrily] What?

Rachel:
Well, the women you date are messed up.

Tony:
I date all kinds of women!

Rachel:
You know, I think you're drawn to them because you want to help them.

Tony:
I am drawn to them because usually they're pretty hot!

Rachel:
Tony. Admit it. You like hot girls who carry guns.

Tony:
Who doesn't like hot girls who carry guns?!

Tony:
How old do you guys think I am?

Ziva:
Physically or mentally?

Tony:
McGee's old man is the legend, right? Called him the Great Santini

Ziva:
Wait a minute. He's a magician? I thought he was a Navy admiral?

Tony:
The movie, Ziva. [Ziva rolls her eyes] The Great Santini starring the great Robert Duvall, who played the ruthless military pilot and brutal family man "Bull" Meechum.

McGee:
Please don't...

Tony:
[impersonating Duvall, who plays Meechum in the movie] "There's those that has got 'em...and those that don't! [...] Gonads, Son! Big brass ones!"

McGee:
And there it is. [Ziva smiles]

Tony:
Kinda makes sense that you'd end up working for Gibbs, McMeechum.

McGee:
There are similarities.

Tony:
He's got big brass ones. They're like bowling balls.

Ziva:
That is disgusting.

McGee:
Talking about tough love tactics, Tony. The venire of impenetrability.

Tony:
The skill of turning one word into a rallying cry.

[Gibbs walks in]

Gibbs:
Gear up!

Tony:
[to McGee] I guess that's two words isn't it.

Gibbs:
Is something funny DiNozzo?!

Tony:
No boss! Grabbing my gear!

Ducky:
[referring to the ringing phone] That's the third time in an hour.

Palmer:
I know. I am so sorry. It will not happen again, I promise.

Ducky:
There's plenty of time to turn off each other's calls once you're married, Mr. Palmer. I'd advise you not to start before you've even exchanged wedding vows.

Palmer:
How did you know it was Breena?

Ducky:
You're a man in love. I've been there many times myself. Though not much lately.

Palmer:
It's just all this wedding planning stuff has us on edge. She's having a hard time making decisions. I'm just trying to help, and everything I say seems wrong. What should I do?

Gibbs:
[walks in] Just give her what she wants.

Palmer:
I have no idea what that is.

Gibbs:
Welcome to the rest of your life Jim-boy.

McGee:
If you don't want to talk to me, fine. But Gibbs is going to have questions and he's not going to be nice about it, trust me.

Penelope Langston:
I think you forget that I staged a sit-in with Gloria Steinham at our nation's capital and spent seven nights in prison, or jail really. After the Selma riots in '65...

McGee:
...and three in Chicago after the '68 convention.

Penelope Langston:
And I think I can handle this Gibbs person.

Tony:
Genghis Khan couldn't handle Gibbs. You should talk to your grandson, Penny.

Penelope Langston:
Agent Gibbs, I always knew my grandson would introduce us, but I could never have imagined it would be like this. You failed to tell me that he is so handsome, Timothy. Great eyes.

Gibbs:
Go home, McGee. You can't be professional. Go home.

McGee:
Boss, I won't let you treat her like that, she's my grandmother.

Gibbs:
She's also the lead witness in a murder investigation. What do you want me to do? Needlepoint my questions?

McGee:
Penny had nothing to do with Lieutenant Booth's death.

Gibbs:
I never said that!

McGee:
What are you going to do? Break her down until she cracks?

Gibbs:
Until I am done, Tim! I don't like this any more than you do, I know she's a family member.

McGee:
Boss, she means everything to me.

Gibbs:
I respect that. This is about murder, a guy is dead. Enough! We find what was in those papers. We find Booth's killer.

McGee:
And she's the one that can tell us. She will talk to me.

[McGee walks back into the Interrogation Room; Gibbs smiles and then walks into the observation room]

McGee:
I think we should have waited for Gibbs.

Tony:
No time. Sportelli said he was conscious. We don't know for how long. Now listen, when we get in the room you let me do the talking.

McGee:
Why?

Tony:
The Cooler has evaded the FBI for years. Getting him to tell us who took out the hit on Commander Brett is going to take a deft hand.

McGee:
Oh, and that's you? [Tony nods] You didn't even know who The Cooler was until I told you!

Tony:
Neither did Ziva!

Ziva:
[phone rings] David.

Tony:
Can Brett hear you?

Ziva:
Yes, of course.

Tony:
Are you sitting down?

Ziva:
What is it?

Tony:
Put on your most Mossad ninja face. No reaction. Brett is George Kaplan. They are one in the same person.

Ziva:
[falsely cheerful] Oh really? So what's the plan?

Tony:
Gibbs wants you to hang in there until we know more. Don't let him out of your sight, like you did last time?

Ziva:
[laughs] Nice. Well, I'll wait for you to call me back then, sweetheart.

Tony:
Good luck.

Ziva:
Doesn't he know they do not take the trash out on weekends?! Why does he order the same stinky take-out from the same stinky place?!

McGee:
Because it's the only place open on Saturday at 2am.

Tony:
He's working weekends. Did he call you guys over the weekend too?

McGee & Ziva:
Twice.

Tony:
About work that we could've done today.

McGee & Ziva:
Yeah!

McGee:
Isn't 16 hours a day enough for him? Don't get me wrong. I love my work. I'm just not married to it you know.

Tony:
Wait. I think I have a solution!

Ziva:
What? A pet for Gibbs? A new hobby?

Tony:
A new woman.

[While Tony is speaking, CGIS agent Abigail Borin walks in]

Borin:
That is the last thing he needs. Grab your gear!

Tony:
I think Gibbs and Borin make a great couple. Just think of all the fun they'd have giving each other head slaps.

Ziva:
Head slaps are not very romantic Tony.

Tony:
They can be. In the right context.

[...]

Tony:
Ducky, what do you think? Gibbs and Borin, date mate material?

Ducky:
Given their combined work ethics, they'd probably never see each other. Which could be a recipe for the world's shortest courtship or extreme longevity.

Tony:
So nobody's with me on Team Bibbs?

Borin:
[walks in] No.

Tony:
We can change the name.

Borin:
I should change the subject DiNozzo.

Tony:
At least let him grill you a steak in his fireplace while watching black-and-white television. [Borin laughs] It's more charming than you think.

Borin:
I'll pass.

McGee:
Tony, don't take this the wrong way but you smell like the hot cheerleader in my high school homeroom.

Borin:
That White Diamond DiNozzo?

Tony:
Farid spilled his laundry detergent all over the place. I got some on my pants...

[...]

[Borin is wiping Tony's bum]

McGee:
Let me call Abby and see if she's got something to remove that.

[Vance suddenly walks in to everyone's surprise]

Vance:
Special Agents Borin and DiNozzo, please stop doing whatever it is you're doing.

Tony:
We were just..er..reexamining the very special bond between the Navy and the Coast Guard, sir.

Abby:
No. You're never going to find the perfect woman for Gibbs.

McGee:
How do you know?

Abby:
Because he's already found her.

McGee:
His first wife. That doesn't mean we can't still try, right?

Abby:
It's futile.

Mariam Bawali:
You have the wrong man, Ziva.

Ziva:
No, you have the wrong man! This journey for freedom is nothing but a way for him to enter this country by using you and your sons!

Mariam:
I have lived with him for thirty years. I love him! Nothing changes that.

Ziva:
[places a photo of a bombing on the table] This. This changes it.

Mariam:
No. No, I don't believe it.

Ziva:
Then you are lying to yourself! I mean, you have to know the truth deep down. I mean, you must! Yet you allow him to lie to you. To your children.

Mariam:
I am protecting my children.

Ziva:
They will resent you for it, Mariam.

Mariam:
Perhaps I had suspicions, but have you never turned a blind eye on someone you love?

Ziva:
Yes, and it was a mistake.

Tony:
Is it possible we've done something right for Gibbs? What if it upsets the space-time continuum and sends the earth hurtling towards the sun?

[Gibbs walks to his desk]

Tony:
Boss, we found the perfect woman for you and we would like you to ask her out.

Gibbs:
Who? [points to screen] Dusty? Nice lady. Great cook.

Tony:
[stares at Gibbs] Did you read that on the screen?

Gibbs:
No. I dated her.

McGee:
So what was wrong with her, Boss?

Gibbs:
Nothing. She's perfect.

Borin:
Perfect. What happened?

Gibbs:
There's nothing more boring than perfect. [laughs, they all stare at him]

Gibbs:
Ziva, sometimes people do the wrong things for the right reasons.

Ziva:
People always think the wrong reasons are right. Especially parents.

Gibbs:
Well, they've got perspective.

Ziva:
Parents still make mistakes.

Gibbs:
Yeah.

Ziva:
My mother never told me what kind of man my father was. Perhaps she thought I was not strong enough to handle it.

Gibbs:
Nah, she's just being a mother.

Ziva:
How do you know?

Gibbs:
Perspective.

Ziva:
Are you lonely, Gibbs?

Gibbs:
You're never alone when you have kids. [kisses Ziva's forehead] 'Night, kid.

Ziva:
Ugh.

Tony:
You know it's too early when there's no one even here to make coffee.

Ziva:
Does that mean you made some?

Tony:
Oh yeah, and I made some nice muffins too. Get 'em while they're piping hot.

Ziva:
You should have got some on the way in.

Tony:
Who had the time? I got the pre-dawn wake-up call after a 2:00 A.M. night, no less.

McGee:
Anyone know what's up?

Tony:
Oh hey, Timmy. Yeah, Gibbs wants to get a jump on Jimmy's bridal registry. Ziva's thinking his and hers salad tongs.

Ziva:
At the moment I can think of nothing but coffee.

McGee:
The victim is a naval reservist. Lieutenant Jason Simms, 44, from Fairfax. Witnesses say he was swerving all over the road, clearly drunk, pulled off onto the shoulder over there.

Gibbs:
Did you get a time?

McGee:
A little over three hours ago.

Ducky:
Tony? [holds man's wristwatch up so Tony can take a photograph] 4:19 to be precise. The truck tapped his wrist, apparently.

Ziva:
Being drunk is one thing, but why would he have crossed the road?

Tony:
Suppressing chicken joke in three, two --

Tony:
[speaks to woman delivering office mail] Hey there, Jen. You know, you are doing a great job. Keep it up you'll be a special agent in no time.

McGee:
A little young, Tony.

Tony:
Ease up, Nanny McPheeble. I'm just giving the kid a little vote of confidence.

Ziva:
Yeah, McGee. If Tony was flirting he would be complimenting her blouse, not her work ethic.

Tony:
See? Ziva knows.

Ziva:
What we just witnessed here was a pathetic attempt to cultivate new sources for office gossip.

Tony:
That is completely unfair!

Gibbs:
Life isn't fair, DiNozzo. That's why we're here.

Ziva:
What is going on?

Tony:
I found fifteen hairs in my shower drain this morning. I tell you this because you're my friends and I need you. For twelve years, every morning I have counted the hairs in my drain and there have never been more than five. Never more than five. Never!

McGee:
Every day?

Ziva:
For the last twelve years?

Tony:
You say that like it's not normal.

Ziva:
Well that is because it's not normal.

Tony:
What's not normal is a man of my vim and vigor going bald!

Ziva:
Well, bald can be sexy.

Tony:
Sure, if you're Connery or Nicholson. Would you date a bald man?

Ziva:
I have dated men with thinning hair, yes.

Tony:
Haha! Thinning hair, but not -- [makes squeaky noise] -- Baldy McBald. Hi, Special Agent Baldy McBald, want to go to Mount Baldy this weekend to do bald things? Bald!!

McGee:
Tony, you're not going bald.

Tony:
Says the man with emerging androgenetic elevation.

Ziva:
You two are being ridiculous. Everyone's hair thins. It's barely noticeable! It's not like you're going gray. [realizes Gibbs is standing behind her]

Tony:
I'm so glad that wasn't me.

Ziva:
[to Gibbs] Gray can be sexy. [watches as Gibbs walks away to answer his phone and shoots Tony a dirty look]

Tony:
[whispers] Lucky.

Fornell:
Look, we're not your "personal body-cop-investigative servers".

[Gibbs, Fornell and Diane are in the NCIS headquarters conference room]

Diane:
Victor and I have a good relationship.

[Gibbs quietly smirks to himself]

Diane:
He knows how to treat a woman. [Fornell looks at Gibbs] He's not afraid to show emotion like some people.

Fornell:
[sarcastically to Gibbs] She talking about us?

Diane:
He's not some immature child that relates better to guns than to people.

Gibbs:
[hands up] Ok ok. We get it.

[...]

[Gibbs pauses the conversation and swings open the door to reveal a stunned Tony, Ziva and McGee eavesdropping]

[Gibbs and Fornell are interrogating Victor Sterling when Diane barges in]

Victor:
[relieved] Diane, I am so glad to see you!

Diane:
[angrily] You get the hell away from me! $2 million and I've been worrying about how to pay the mortgage?!

[Victor looks to Gibbs and Fornell for help]

Gibbs:
You're on your own.

Diane:
Would you tell Tobias that I never meant to hurt him?

Gibbs:
Oh yeah. He knows. I think.

Diane:
I really liked him, but I never should have married him. I didn't love him. Just like you never loved me.

Gibbs:
I liked you. I still do.

Diane:
But the only woman you'll ever love is Shannon. You were my Shannon, Leroy. [walks away]

[dream sequence]

Gibbs:
[rolls over in bed to hug Shannon] Looks like morning happened again.

Shannon:
What's the plan today?

Gibbs:
I'm thinking of going to the hardware store.

Shannon:
Have they invented a tool you don't have in that basement of yours?

Gibbs:
[smiles] I need supplies.

Shannon:
[laughs] That's what I like to hear. I love it when you start something new. What do you have in mind?

Gibbs:
I'll let the wood tell me.

Shannon:
I hope the wood says rolltop desk. [moves to get out of bed]

Gibbs:
[pulls her back] I changed my mind. I'll stay in bed all day with you. The hardware store will be there tomorrow.

Shannon:
How are you going to get what you need if you don't let me go?

[Gibbs wakes up on the couch to an empty home]

Ziva:
Something's on your mind. I can see your wheels churning.

Tony:
Butter churns, David. Wheels turn.

McGee:
The witnesses on the ground are telling the same story. There was an explosion and the plane began an immediate descent. [notices Tony's seriousness] What's with him?

Ziva:
He's thinking.

Tony:
This isn't the case du jour, you know. This is life calling collect saying, "Hey, I'm short. Appreciate me."

Palmer:
Perhaps it's time we took a little rest.

Ducky:
We will rest when we are dead. Until then, consider John Paul Jones.

Palmer:
The Led Zeppelin bassist?

Ducky:
No, the naval hero of the American Revolution. He was almost forgotten when he was buried in Paris is 1792. Over a century later President Theodore Roosevelt went to great lengths to locate Jones, exhume his body, and bring him back to America.

Palmer:
Home.

Ducky:
Precisely. We take great solace in knowing where our heroes are buried.

Gibbs:
There. Isolate the background.

Tony:
What is that, Farsi?

Ziva:
It's Pashtu.

Tony:
Number nine on the David language list? Our very own beauty of Berlitz?

Ziva:
I think of Pashtu as more of number seven, actually.

Tony:
I hate libraries.

McGee:
Another one of your fears?

Tony:
Don't mock me.

McGee:
What's to hate about libraries?

Tony:
The smell gets me every time.

McGee:
Yeah? What does a library smell like?

Tony:
Lonely, smart people. [laughs]

Gibbs:
People died because of that teacher, marines. What do you think should happen to her?

Lt. Flores:
Sir, that's not my decision.

Gibbs:
Yeah, but you've thought about it, right?

Lt. Flores:
She should be held accountable for her crimes.

Gibbs:
Oh.

Lt. Flores:
She should watch those girls change the world in positive ways she never imagined.

Gibbs:
That a punishment?

Lt. Flores:
That's a gift, Sir. Punishment is knowing she could have done the same.

Gibbs:
[deadpan] Dorney, if he gives you any trouble, shoot him.

[DiNozzo Sr looks at Agent Dorneget in shock]

Dorneget:
[confused] He's joking. I think.

Tony:
How did it go with my father last night? Where is he?

Gibbs:
Autopsy.

Tony:
[deadpan] You shot him. [Gibbs looks at him] I can't say I blame you.

LCDR Stephanie Mosner:
You guys obviously put the fear of God into Lt Dennis. [Gibbs looks surprised] His lawyer called last night. He wants to make a deal.

Tony:
Hey, Abs. Gibbs sent me down to find out what you found out.

Abby:
What are you talking about?

Tony:
You know, that thing you're working on for him.

Abby:
Tony, I'm not telling you anything about your father's case. My lips are sealed.

Tony:
[scoffs] Come on, I'm just doing -- [Abby steps in his way] -- I'm desperate, Abby.

Abby:
I'm sorry. [hugs Tony] Now leave and consider yourself banished.

Tony:
[attempts to step around Abby, fails, and picks up a test tube] What's this?

Abby:
Your father's urine.

Tony:
I'm going.

Palmer:
I agreed to give her father a tour of NCIS while he's in town for the holidays.

Ziva:
Well that is nice.

Palmer:
Actually I thought Director Vance would nix the idea.

Ziva:
You and Breena's dad do not get along?

Palmer:
[sits on Gibbs' desk] The last time Ed and I talked was when I asked for his permission to marry Breena. He laughed. And he cried from laughing so hard. And he got really quiet.

Tony:
So why is he coming here?

Palmer:
Breena wanted us to bond before the wedding. She thinks the main problem with me is my job.

Tony:
Autopsy gremlin.

Palmer:
Yeah, if we could keep that kind of talk to a minimum while he's here...

Tony:
I say it with the utmost respect.

Palmer:
I know that, but Ed doesn't. He actually thinks I'm stuck in some government job which pays too little and requires too many hours.

Gibbs:
[walks in] You are. Now get off my desk.

Gibbs:
Abs?....Abby?

[Abby peeps from behind her file cabinets]

Abby:
Thank goodness it's just you. Jimmy and his Grinch-in-law have been stalking the halls spreading ill will and yuletide yuckness.

[Gibbs and Ziva find a pregnant Lt Emma Reynolds in the fitting room armed with an iron clothing rod]

Gibbs:
[flashes his badge] NCIS.

Reynolds:
Yeah I've seen fake credentials before. Hand over your weapons.

Gibbs:
There's only one way to get a Marine's weapon.

Reynolds:
What'd you know about it? You a leatherneck?

Gibbs:
Where do you think I got this haircut?

Reynolds:
Listen everyone, I don't want any special treatment. I'm a Marine first and pregnant second.

Gibbs:
Oorah.

Reynolds:
Oo-right.

Ziva:
Well I will gladly take the special treatment. I like mine with extra marshmallows with a little tiny spoon please.

Tony:
[annoyed] Who do you think I am? Your elf??

Reynolds:
Actually, I'll take one with marshmallows too.

Tony:
Thought you said you didn't want any special-- [Gibbs looks at him] Extra marshmallows, coming up!

Abby:
The snow is falling faster than my holiday spirit. There's a pregnant Marine being hunted on Christmas. Heaven and nature are not singing.

[McGee finds Ed and Palmer locked up in Abby's ballistics room]

McGee:
How long have they been back there?

Abby:
[smiles] Not long enough.

Ed:
I can't hear a word they're saying.

Palmer:
If you hadn't made that remark about her tattoos, we wouldn't be in time-out. [looks at his watch] I've got six minutes left.

[Tony and the suspect Veli Tupolev are in the interrogation room munching on Christmas cookies and staring at each other]

Tony:
Ya know, Wendy used to make the most kick-ass snickerdoodle.

[Tupolev stares at him while eating a cookie]

McGee:
I'm gonna start with a series of true or false statements.

Tupolev:
[stares at Tony and McGee] What are you talking about?

Tony:
Just think of it like lie detector test, with cookies. You just have to sit there and eat.

Palmer:
How the hell would you know? They're trained agents. You might not respect me or what it is we do here but you've got to respect the fact that these people, my people, are risking their lives.

[Reynolds is about to go into labor]

Gibbs:
Are you asking for special treatment, Marine?

Reynolds:
Sir, yes sir, just this once.

Tony:
So I guess you have somewhere else to be.

Gibbs:
Yeah? Well, so do you.

Tony:
I went. Sat in the car for about twenty minutes debating. I didn't go in. Decided to swing by casa de Gibbs instead.

Gibbs:
Well, we all make our own choices, DiNozzo.

Tony:
You think I made a mistake?

Gibbs:
I think you made it twice now.

Tony:
When I joined NCIS I knew what you expected of me: everything. Doesn't exactly leave a lot of room for the Wendys of the world.

Gibbs:
You come here to blame me, DiNozzo?

Tony:
No boss.

Gibbs:
Good.

Tony:
Family and job. Two different cups.

Gibbs:
That's right

Tony:
And if I couldn't fill both, that was my problem.

Gibbs:
Uh-huh.

Tony:
What if I can now?

Gibbs:
Then get out of my basement. Man up and move on.

Tony:
Like you have?

Gibbs:
Don't be like me. Learn from it.

Tony:
You should cut yourself some slack, EJ. What's the saying? That which does not kills us makes us stronger. I think Nietzsche said that. The thing to remember about Friedrich Nietzsche, of course, is that he died in an insane asylum. That's probably not the best way to start a pep-talk, huh?

EJ:
So much for my big plans, huh? What about your plans, Ziva? Beyond NCIS. Family?

Ziva:
Maybe, someday. Though that day seems increasingly distant at the moment.

EJ:
[holds up her coffee in a toast] To someday.

Ziva:
Someday.

EJ:
[looking down at a case of guns] All I wanted for breakfast was the coffee.

Tony:
Now we're ready for a fair fight.

EJ:
Always good to be prepared.

Tony:
I've been prepared for months. With Cole on the loose, it's time to bring out some Connery, and I'm paraphrasing: never bring a knife to a gun fight.

EJ:
James Bond?

Tony:
Untouchables, 1987. Connery won an Academy Award for that.

Tony:
You know, one of these days I'd like to actually meet someone who appreciates movies the way I do, or at least appreciates the way I appreciate them.

EJ:
She does, Tony.

Tony:
Who?

EJ:
Ziva.

Tony:
[laughs] Agent Ziva David believes that Pirates of the Caribbean is a cinema classic.

EJ:
I'm not talking about movies, Tony. I'm talking about you. She cares.

Tony:
What's the matter with you? We're co-workers.

EJ:
Yeah?

Tony:
We're teammates.

EJ:
Uh-huh.

Tony:
We have each other's back.

EJ:
Exactly.

Tony:
Huh. Surround yourself with people you would give your own life for.

Ziva:
So, EJ is gone?

Tony:
And safe, for a change.

Ziva:
May I ask where?

Tony:
Someplace quiet, with someone she can count on. Hopefully.

Ziva:
That is the word, is it not? Hopefully. Even when you think you can count on someone, you often cannot.

Tony:
Do I detect a blip on the Ray-dar?

Ziva:
I would rather not discuss it.

Tony:
Well, since EJ and I parted friends, Agent Cruz seems to have some communication issues.

Ziva:
Yeah, and I'm losing my patience.

Tony:
As you well should. [walks over to her desk] You know, you and I, we have a lot in common in that respect.

Ziva:
[laughs] You think?

Tony:
Oh, I don't think. I know.

Ziva:
Well, then I am grateful to have someone in my life who is just as romantically dysfunctional as I am.

Tony:
Agent David, do you really consider me to be in your life? [Ziva looks down at her mobile phone as it rings] No. Seriously?

Ziva:
What should I say?

Tony:
Say hello.

Ziva:
Oh, Ok

Tony:
According to Abby's GPS coordinates, the killer was standing over there. Can't see any footprints.

Ziva:
Yeah, knew not to leave a trace.

Tony:
Yeah, unlike some people. You know, I'm gonna start charging your boyfriend minutes.

Ziva:
Please tell me you have not spoken to Ray!

Tony:
Okay, I haven't spoken to Ray.

Ziva:
Unbelievable! You're supposed to be on my side.

Tony:
Now look. The guy's desperate. What am I supposed to do?

Ziva:
Just stay out of it!

Tony:
Tell me what happened.

Ziva:
He does not appreciate me. There.

Tony:
If I had a dollar every time a woman said that to me.

Ziva:
While he was overseas, you know, we stayed as connected as best as we could. Trying to make whatever we had, you know, just work. Now he was finally back and, uh, we planned this -- this lovely dinner, but he never showed, Tony. I waited in that restaurant, alone, for three hours. No text, no call, nothing. [sighs] When I saw him next, it was the following morning, and then he just said he got caught up with work.

Tony:
Well.

Ziva:
Look it just brought me back to when I was young how my father could be. There was always something more important and I was always left waiting for a...

Ziva:
There's someone there.

Tony:
Yeah.

Tony:
You know you should let McGee take care of that tech stuff.

Ziva:
I can handle it tony thank you. Why is this thing not even turning on?

Tony:
It's okay to ask for help, you know.

Ziva:
Do not need help tony. I am fine.

Tony:
Uhuh. I can see that give it to me. (gives tony her cell phone)

Tony:
Listen don't beat yourself up. It's no way you could of seen it coming it's no way any of us could of seen it coming. You'll find somebody, someday.

Ziva:
I'm not sure I want to. I don't think children and marriage are a part of the plan for me right now and I am fine with that perfectly, perfectly content with my life.

Tony:
Content but are you happy?

Ziva:
Are you? (tony hands ziva her phone)

Tony:
Detective Buress.

Buress:
Sorry I uh I know it's late I just needed to hear you say it in person. You guys got the guy who killed Mia?

Tony:
Yeah it's over we uh apprehended him this afternoon.

Buress:
I'm not asking how Agent Dinozzo Im asking who

Ziva:
His name is Ray Cruz and he will never ever hurt anyone again.

Buress:
Thank you for all you've done guess you navy cops aren't so bad.

Tony:
Gee, thanks walk you out.

Buress:
Yeah, yeah sure so how long you too been together. (Ziva laughs)

Ziva:
Oh no were not a couple.

Tony:
Just co-workers.

Ziva:
And friends.

Tony:
Yes, yes very good friends.

Buress:
That's good that's uh real good you hang onto that you never know when your gonna need somebody to be there. Cherish each other that's all I'm sayin. Everyday.

Tony&Ziva:
(They both look at each other in the elevator)

Tony:
[standing at McGee's desk] This is definitely unusual.

Ziva:
Unusual is the operative word.

McGee:
[walks in out of the elevator] What are you two doing?

Tony:
Don't play dumb, Tim. We're trained federal agents. We can see when something's up.

Ziva:
And something is definitely up.

McGee:
What are you two talking about?

Tony:
The two computer monitors on your desk have been swapped. No one just up and changes their viewing angle. Something is up, McAnal Probie.

McGee:
My monitors? That's what you're worried about?

Tony:
We're not big on change around here.

McGee:
Well I thought I would try something a little different today.

Tony:
What makes today so special?

Ziva:
We know that look, McGee. It is somewhere between melancholy and constipation.

Tony:
Consternation.

Ziva:
No, I actually meant that his mind looked clogged.

Tony:
[going through the trash] This can't be good. He cleaned out his desk, too.

Ziva:
[whispers loudly, having seen McGee approach] Albatross! Albatross! [moves quickly to the large monitor, as though working]

Tony:
Petty Officer Janet McCaffrey had a spotless record.

Ziva:
Two deployments on two different ships: the Ontario and the Gentry.

McGee:
[looking on suspiciously] So it's finally happened: you two are snooping together, as a team.

Ziva:
We are merely curious and concerned.

Tony:
Well, it's nothing you need to know about.

Tony:
Computer monitors, clandestine meetings in Vance's office; you're up to something, McDevious. I can tell. Wait a second! Are you finally getting that sex change operation? Good for you, McGee. Or is it McShe? No judgement! I'm proud of you.

McGee:
Look, Director Vance offered me a job promotion, okay? As head of the cyber division in Okinawa.

Tony:
That's it?

McGee:
Yes.

Tony:
Well everybody knows that, Tim. Good for you. It's fantastic. You've gotta take that opportunity. The last cyber agent? He's at Microsoft now.

McGee:
Yeah, as head of security. The guy's a rockstar.

Tony:
Let's not get carried away.

McGee:
Why are you being so normal about all this? Your sincerity is disconcerting.

Tony:
You prefer I attack you with some kind of sarcastic, hostile remark?

McGee:
Sort of, yeah. What do I do?

Tony:
It's your choice, but I'd trust my gut. It's what Gibbs would do.

Shannon:
Just think of all the cases, all of the lives you've touched, Gibbs. You sacrificed everything to help those people.

Gibbs:
But I wanted both.

Shannon:
It doesn't work like that.

Ziva:
[grumbling to herself in Hebrew] Unbelievable!

Tony:
You finally saw The Crying Game?

Ziva:
No. I got a speeding ticket!

Tony:
Oh. You know what that means, McGee.

McGee:
The system works.

Ziva:
I was barely going over the limit!

McGee:
Let me see. [takes the ticket from Ziva's outstretched hand] It says you were doing 80 in a 40.

Ziva:
Not the entire time.

Tony:
Did you tell them you were a federal agent?

Ziva:
Excuse me?

Tony:
Well, sometimes if they know they look the other way. [flahes badge] Oh, that's not my wallet!

Ziva:
You do that often?

Tony:
With one notable exception, I haven't gotten a speeding ticket in seventeen years.

McGee:
Or paid for parking at football games.

Tony:
It's a gray area. Sometimes I even get my donuts and coffee for free.

Ziva:
I do not think Gibbs would approve.

Tony:
What Gibbs doesn't know won't hurt him.

Gibbs:
What don't I know, DiNozzo?

Tony:
Um, Ziva got a speeding ticket! [looks uncomfortable after receiving a disapproving look from Ziva] And I sometimes get coffee for free. But I tip big! All right, let's have it. [receives a smack]

Gibbs:
Let's go. Dead Navy captain.

Ziva:
Do you ever get the feeling that he enjoys being smacked in the head?

McGee:
I'd rather not think about it.

Tony:
Sorry, I'm just --

McGee:
Really pensive.

Tony:
Confused.

McGee:
Why, because you made out with your ex-fiance today?

Tony:
[scoffs] What are you talking about?

McGee:
Lipstick. It's not your color.

Tony:
[looks in the mirror] Eagle eye, McGee.

McGee:
So what's the problem? She's divorced. You're single.

Tony:
The problem is been there, done that. Crash. Burn.

McGee:
That bad?

Tony:
NTSB is still looking for bodies.

McGee:
What happened?

Tony:
That's a good question, McGee. You always ask the good questions.

Ducky:
Sorry I was late. Been waiting for Mr Palmer to return from an errand. I had to leave without him.

Gibbs:
What errand?

Ducky:
Breena called. The wedding caterer they planned on using had gone out of business. The sobs almost woke the dead.

McGee:
She pretty upset?

Ducky:
[deadpan] She wasn't the one crying.

[McGee raises his eyebrows. Ziva laughs.]

Ziva:
[to Tony] That is something Wendy mentioned about you. That you were one of the most honest people she knew. To others. She said the only person you lied to was yourself, which you do. A lot.

Tony:
[looking at a heart] It's hard to believe they're so small sometimes.

Ducky:
What's on your mind, Tony? You sound a little pensive.

Tony:
I'm not pensive! What is it with everyone and that word? [realizes he's shouting] Sorry. I was --

Ducky:
Would you like to talk about it?

Tony:
You ever have something terrible happen to you and you think you've put it all behind you, but then the terrible comes back and it's more terrible than it was before?

Ducky:
I'm confused.

Tony:
So am I.

Ducky:
Tony, it was very clear to me from the very first day I met you that you were a man in pain.

Tony:
[scoffs] I'm sorry, I think you have me confused with someone else.

Ducky:
No, your pain is as clear to me as Jethro's. He lost Shannon, the one love of his life, and you lost faith in yourself for so many reasons. Jethro coped with his pain by repeatedly marrying the wrong woman, thus ensuring that ultimately he would be alone and safe from heartbreak. You repeatedly chased the wrong woman. You're alone because you never did as you just said: put it all behind you.

Wendy:
I lied to you, Tony.

Tony:
About?

Wendy:
Why I invited you to lunch. You were wrong. I was not trying to get information for a story. I invited you because I wanted to see you. Your turn.

Tony:
Why?

Wendy:
Uh, because we're taking turns and now it's your turn.

Tony:
No. That is not what I meant and you know it.

Wendy:
You want to know why I left.

Tony:
I want to know why you said yes to me when the answer was really no. I want to know why you waited until the very last moment to tell me the truth. But most of all, my runaway bride, I would like to know why.

Wendy:
Would it make a difference now? If you weren't so sad and so lonely you wouldn't even be wondering.

Tony:
[laughs] Sad and lonely? You have me confused with Bosco. You like to see my little black e-book?

Wendy:
Show me whatever you like, but it's not going to change what I see with my own eyes. You should tell her how you feel, whoever she is.

Tony:
A) That's never going to happen, B) get out of my head, and C) answer the question.

Wendy:
I left because I wasn't ready to meet "the one", okay? And you were the one.

Tony:
That doesn't make any sense.

Wendy:
Are you sure? Because from I see you've spent the last nine years avoiding relationships. I was just broken first, which is why I left my hero cop to marry a stockbroker who cared more about money than people. I wasn't ready to meet the one when we met, Tony, but I sent you that invitation because I am now.

Tony:
Boss local LEOs outside say there's a woman outside who claims to be the victim's doctor.

Gibbs:
Let her in.

Tony:
Doctor Kate's sister.

Vance:
I got a call from SECNAV.

Gibbs:
Oh great.

Vance:
No it wasn't.

Gibbs:
Did somebody steal those golf bags?

Tony:
[notices Ziva pacing] McGee, what's Ziva doing?

McGee:
Memorizing her speech.

Tony:
Speech?

McGee:
Director Vance volunteered her to speak at a high school career day.

Tony:
In what language, Vulcan?

Ziva:
I can hear you, Tony. I do not need you making this worse. Back up.

McGee:
I think you mean back off.

Tony:
Why are you so uptight, Ziva?

Ziva:
Public speaking is not my thing. It makes me nervous.

Tony:
Nervous? What are you talking about? I've seen you take down armed terrorists without breaking a sweat.

Ziva:
I'm trained for that.

Vance:
You know, I envy you Gibbs. You don't have to put up with the politics. When I get the boot or drop dead in this chair, don't take the job.

Gibbs:
[chuckles] I hear ya. Loud and clear.

Dorneget:
Can I ask you guys a question? How do I get on Gibbs' good side? I would kill to be on his team.

Abby:
Well, Tim would know.

McGee:
Gibbs likes agents who are one step ahead, who anticipates what he wants one step ahead.

Dorneget:
Thanks McGee.

Abby:
[waves and smiles] Bye Dorney!

Ziva:
[grumbles to herself] Why did I say yes...

Tony:
To what?

Ziva:
Career Day at Montgomery Prep. I'm still a little nervous and unsure of what to say.

Tony:
Montgomery Prep is all-boys. You'll be standing in front of pubescent males with raging hormones. Wear something tight, they won't hear a word you say. [Ziva looks at Tony with dread]

Tony:
I don't like Bayar's line of work but I'll tell ya, he's got great taste in women. She is smokin'!

Ziva:
Obviously a professional woman, Tony. You think the Aston Martin was expensive, a month of your salary might buy you an hour of her time.

Tony:
[grins widely] Au contraire, mon Ziva.

Gibbs:
Dorneget! [Dorneget turns and looks at him in shock, Gibbs motions him over] Come here. Gear up. You're going with McGee.

Dorneget:
Gear up? [Gibbs looks at him] For a field assignment?

Gibbs:
I think you're ready.

Dorneget:
But I need to be back at the evidence locker.

Gibbs:
I'll handle it.

[Dorneget turns around to conceal his excitement but runs straight into Director Vance]

Vance:
You all right, Dorneget?

Dorneget:
Yes sir. [run to the elevator]

McGee:
[flashes badge and ID] Special Agent Timothy McGee, NCIS.

Dorneget:
[flahes badge and ID] Special Agent Ned Dorneget.

[The TSA officer in charge looks strangely at Dorneget, who realizes his ID is upside down]

Officer:
You two are NCIS agents?

McGee:
Yeah.

Dorneget:
Yes, sir.

Officer:
[in disbelief] You kidding me? I applied to NCIS twice, got shot down both times.

Ziva:
[On the stairs above the bullpen holding her cellphone, whispering loudly] Hey McGee, Vance isn't here either.

McGee:
Uh, doesn't his son have a soccer game in Alexandria?

Ziva:
No that is next week. Tony's ignoring my phone calls, and it is very unlike Gibbs to just disappear like this. [whispering loudly] Something is going on!

McGee:
Actually, I think Tony said something about being on SECNAV's PSD today.

Ziva:
That's probably a cover. I think they must be at some kind of..."Man Day". [McGee looks confused] You know, when men take a day to do "man" things together?

McGee:
Really?

Ziva:
Just because I am a woman, they do not have the courtesy to tell me where they are going, and when they are coming back!

McGee:
[pauses] I'm a man!

Ziva:
That's right! Which makes this even worse. [angrily dials her phone] I'm gonna call Tony again!

[Tony enters squad room]

McGee:
[he and Ziva tail Tony] Hey, where have you been? We've been calling. What's going on?

Ziva:
Man Day is over and he's still ignoring us. [follows Tony] I'm not going to be ignored!

Tony:
Glenn Close, Fatal Attraction. It's a good one, Ziva. Your impression of a hot lady with crazy eyes is dead on, by the way. You are a, uh, sphinx of a minx. Game on, fellas, just like we planned it.

Ziva:
Tony, do not try to talk your way out of this by calling me hot.

McGee:
He also called you crazy, Ziva.

Ziva:
I will unleash crazy on him if he does not apologize for leaving me out of the loop.

Ziva:
I'm telling you, I saw bounce in his step and Elliott was sure about Ryan's pupils as well.

Tony:
How am I gonna survive Gibbs dating a woman who thinks I'm a game show host? What does it even mean? Does she think I am cheesy, that I like pencil-thin microphones?

Ziva:
Are you sure this is the place?

Tony:
You know what happens if you don't trust the authority of McMaps! All right.

[Tony and Ziva prepare to search a van]

Tony:
[whispers to Ziva] Be like Silence of the Lambs meets Scooby Doo.

Ziva:
[opens van door] Freeze! Hands up!

Amanda:
Do I look like I'm running?

Tony:
Amanda Baylor, you have the right....to take a bath! You smell like a wild goat!

Amanda:
I've been busy.

Ziva:
Too busy for personal hygiene?

Amanda:
When I'm focused, I'm focused.

Tony:
[to Ziva] Well, McGee likes 'em gamey, but I'm not sure he'll go for this one.

Amanda:
Ohh, I clean up nice.

Tony:
Why don't you put the computer down and step out here. Let's go, Animal Kingdom, c'mon. [Amanda steps out of van]

Ziva:
So, who are you working with?

Amanda:
Ummm, I don't know.

Tony:
Well, we know some stuff about the blackmail and about the AUTEC account.

Ziva:
We also know that you are in cahoots with someone inside Wickes Steel.

Amanda:
Ummm...

Tony:
Did you just use the word cahoots?

Ziva:
I did.

Tony:
Nice.

Amanda:
Alright, somebody hired me through Wilkes, but, uh, I don't have a name. Didn't want one.

Ziva:
Was it Ridgeway? Did you kill him?

Amanda:
I don't kill people, I hack! I really haven't left the van.

Tony:
No kidding. Next time, hacker, why don't you crack a window?

Tony:
Uhh no, Vance nailed you with the shredding detail, huh?

Ziva:
Yes, from redacted, to unredacted, to recycling to... Tony, I have a question. Do you believe?

Tony:
Believe in what?

Ziva:
Uhh, well unexplained things, secrets, occurrences that we're really not supposed to talk about.

Tony:
Uhhh. I believe that there are moments, experiences that someone like McGee with his trusty computer couldn't justify.

Ziva:
When Gibbs left tonight, I thought I saw it again.

Tony:
Saw what?

Ziva:
The bounce.

Tony:
I've been thinking about that. Boss don't bounce.

Ziva:
You cannot expect a person to keep things bottled up inside forever. Can you? [they look at each other]

[Palmer enters the squad room wearing a trench coat and looking very excited]

Palmer:
Excuse me, my friends, if I may have your attention please.

McGee:
Looks like you're about to burst into song, Jimmy.

Palmer:
Nah, it's much better than that.

Ziva:
Why the coat on such a lovely day?

Tony:
Holy full frontal, Autopsy Gremlin. Are you about to flash us your "Magic Johnson"?

Palmer:
Even better.

[Palmer removes his trench coat to reveal his wedding tux. Tony, McGee and Ziva all look at him in shock with their mouths open.]

[Tony and Ziva are at the crime scene. Ducky and Palmer have just arrived.]

Ducky:
[without looking up at Tony and Ziva] What have we here, Jethro?

Ziva:
What we have here is no Jethro.

Ducky:
[looks up in surprise] What??

Ziva:
He's actually running late.

Ducky:
Ohhh. [laughs] Here's a first.

Tony:
[looks at Palmer, who's still in his tux] Sort of like wearing fuchsia and lime green to a crime scene.

Palmer:
[embarrassed] I didn't have time to change.

Ducky:
Perhaps those colors will raise the dead, Mr Palmer.

Palmer:
Poor guy. He looks like a pretzel.

Tony:
An a-salted pretzel?

Ziva:
He and Jimmy are both highly intelligent and conscientious and...

Tony:
Dull. [McGee looks at him] Are you kidding me? McGee's idea of an incredible party is a bunch of free corn nuts and an Xbox marathon.

Ziva:
Agent Lisson is all the help I need. We work like peas in a poke, like yogurt and garlic, like-- [Gibbs gives her a funny look]

McGee:
There's pigs in a poke and peas in a pod but..

Tony:
Yogurt and garlic??

Ziva:
It's a Middle Eastern staple.

Tony:
[sarcastically] Which I'm sure we're gonna find in all the best Colombian restaurants. [Gibbs laughs]

McGee:
The guy from United Equinox lied to us. Geek bastard!

[Ziva, Gibbs and Tony look at him in amusement]

Tony:
A lot of things changed that night. I decided to become a cop because of a kid I almost in Baltimore but didn't, and that's you. For the first time in my life, I made a difference. I did something that mattered. And I've been trying to do that ever since.

Tony:
Andiamo, bambina!

Ziva:
Dove?

Tony:
Gear up! We're leaving for Naples.

Ziva:
[giggles] Naples, Italy?

Tony:
Si. I'm going home to grab some clothes. You should do the same. We're hopping the military flight from Andrews Air Force Base.

Ziva:
Is this one of your practical jokes?

Tony:
Nope, Gibbs' orders.

Andre Fullerton:
Shouldn't someone be reading me my rights?

Gibbs:
You have no rights! You're a terrorist on a U.S. Navy vessel, and we're invoking the Patriot Act.

Gibbs:
Not enough, enjoy Cuba.

[Tony, Ziva, and Burley have arrived back at NCIS, and are stepping out of the elevator. The squad room is full, with the entire staff staring at the NCIS Most Wanted wall.]

Gibbs:
Listen up!

[He moves towards the top spot on the wall, Osama bin Laden, who has had a red line through his photo for the last year, indicating his death.]

Gibbs:
For attacks against the United States Navy: Harper Dearing. [He pastes Dearing's photo over top bin Laden.] Let's go! We've got work to do.

Palmer:
You guys, just give me one hint as to what Abby has planned. It is my bachelor party, okay? I have a right to know.

Tony:
Sorry. She swore us to secrecy, and she scares me more than you.

Palmer:
God. I think I made a big mistake making her my best man.

McGee:
Relax, Jimmy. Everything is fine. Just make sure you're up on your hepatitis vaccinations.

Palmer:
Hepatitis?

Tony:
And get a good pair of knee pads.

McGee:
And a good helmet.

Palmer:
[laughs nervously] You guys are messing with me.

Tony:
Are we? Two words.

McGee:
Abby Sciuto.

Tony:
I'm telling you, Ryan was there.

Ziva:
So what if she was? I was happy to gossip when things were just getting started, but now that they are a couple I think we should just back off.

Tony:
How are you not interested in other people's private lives?

Tony:
Please, who really likes weddings anyway?

Ziva:
There's nothing good about them.

Tony:
Weird uncles making inappropriate toasts.

Ziva:
Rubbery chicken enhanced by cheap wine.

Tony:
Cheesy music and children. Rental tuxedos.

Ziva:
The bouquet, the garter, the cake --

Tony:
The fittings.

Ziva:
The fittings. The fittings! We're not even to the actual ceremony yet.

Tony:
The vows.

Ziva:
The ring.

Tony:
The kiss.

Ziva:
The ketubah.

Tony:
I don't even know what I'd do if I had to deal with all of that.

Ziva:
Elope?

Gibbs:
Yeah, well, it worked for me.

Tony:
[after having evacuated the Navy Yard] That's everybody. You go, Ziva.

Ziva:
No, I'm not going without you!