Black Books, Series 3

Evan:
I took a risk when I employed you, Manny...Don't eat muffins when I'm developing you! I took a risk when I gave you a job. A lot of people would have said, "Who is this rudderless hippy? How do I get away from him? Has he got a hunting knife strapped to his shin?"

Manny:
[About Evan] Bernard! He wants my hair!

Bernard:
[To Evan] How dare you?! Don't you touch a hair on that boy's head! Have you no respect? He's mine! Get your own human play-thing, you quartz-brained little cream puff!

Bernard:
[Looking at Manny through a hole in the wall] There. There he is. Half Iago. Half Fu Manchu. All bastard.

Evan:
Look at me, Manny. What do you see?

Manny:
Well...

Evan:
I'll tell you. You see me and you say, "Hey, there's Evan. He's a young guy, he likes the Stereophonics, he rides a scooter. Lets see how far I can push him." But you've let me down, Manny!

Fran:
Morning.

Bernard:
[Spying on Manny through the wall again] He's bending down now. Ah, look, he's getting up again. I knew he'd do that.

Fran:
Is this really helping?

Bernard:
Look, now he's going up on that little ladder; up he goes with that little wiggle of his, the wiggle of Judas, the Judas boogie.

Fran:
You always know when you're in for a good night when theres a polar bear bleeding on the label.

Bernard:
Let's just, you know, get some ideas bouncing around. Sort of go crazy, you know, no rules...

Manny:
Yeah, yeah, sort of anything goes-

Bernard:
[hysterically] No, not anything goes! I said no rules!

[Sitting at his desk with a typewriter]

Bernard:
I'll co-write this with... myself!

[Pulls out a second typewriter]

Manny:
Here is the elephant; he's happy with his balloon. Oh no! It's gone! Where is it? It's not behind the rhino :[he and Bernard shake their heads drunkedly]: Look in the alligator's mouth,

Manny and Bernard:
It's not there either!

Manny:
Ohhhh the Monkey's got it in the tree! He brings it back

Manny and Bernard:
They all drink lemonade. The End!

Bernard:
But you hated school, you had a terrible time.

Fran:
I've never said that!

Bernard:
You don't have to say anything, I just look at your life now and work backwards.

Answer Machine:
Yo, Manny! Paul here. The annual reggae barbeque on the barge is go, repeat go! Bring Pam or Sam or whatever her name is- [a short while later] Er Manny? Ah, Paul again. Listen, sorry I forgot to say; please don't bring that grumpy Irish bastard-! [Bernard switches the machine off angrily]

Fran:
You are being very mean to Manny.

Bernard:
I can't help it. He looks like a horse, in a man costume!

Moo-Pa:
Shop's still called Black Books, I see?

Bernard:
Yeah. I was gonna call it World Of Tights, but you know how stupid people are; you have to spell everything out!

[After Bernard has taken up gambling and is looking through the Racing Form to develop a 'system']

Manny:
There's only one system: bet, lose, borrow, steal, lose, take the drugs, lose, prison... death.

Bernard:
Don't get pious; you started me off.

Manny:
That was a just a flutter; this is Satan's bingo.

[An American tourist comes into the shop looking for a book on modern warfare]

Bernard:
Military history is on your right.

Tourist:
I don't want your little history grotto. I want modern warfare, infrared, fallout, killzones.

Bernard:
Military history is on your right. If you have any questions just fire a couple of rounds into the ceiling!

[Bernard owes money to his elderly landlady]

Bernard:
She doesn't need any more money! She already has all the blue hair and toffee and pop socks a person could want! Tell her to stop or...we'll cut the brakes on her Stairmaster.

Manny:
I'll tell you where you should go, Venezuela. It's amazing

Jason:
Yeah, dear old Venny. Been there have you?

Manny:
Yes, I have actually, yes. I went kayaking in the swamps of the Barracas.

Jason:
North or south?

Manny:
North.

Jason:
[Dismissive] Ah, very nice, north. The tourist swamps.

Bernard:
I don't remember that.

Fran:
Do you remember that night last week when you slept in a revolving door?

Bernard:
...no...

Fran:
Okay, do you remember when you ran out of tobacco so you smoked your own pubic hair?

Bernard:
Not especially, no.

Fran:
It was in between those two things.

[After Manny foils Bernard's attempt to kill Benson]

Bernard:
So you admit you deliberately stepped in front of the bullet?

Manny:
[softly] Yes.

Bernard:
And wantonly sprayed blood from your head wound across the shop?

Manny:
[softly] Yes.

Bernard:
Before going to waste time writhing around on an 'emergency operating table'?

Manny:
[softly] Yes.

Bernard:
[hands Manny an affidavit and a pen] Sign here. No wages for seven years. If it wasn't for you, that cat would be where he belongs: in Hell, being chased by giant mice!

Fran:
I've had an idea for your event Manny.

Manny:
Great!

Fran:
Yes, you could get everyone come into the shop to vote for what they think it's the most stylish city in Europe.

Manny:
Huh ha ha.

Fran:
Then...

Manny:
huh

Fran:
At the end of the week you can...

Manny:
huuuh

Fran:
What?

Manny:
Europe... you are funny Fran. I hardly think your little jaunts to Europe count as travel.

Fran:
Well, pardon me!

Manny:
This is not a festival for tourists! We've got an explorer coming in, he's giving a talk! The the the... legendary, famousely charming Jason Hamilton.

Bernard:
[while taking and reading Hamilton's book summary] :

Let's have a look, then. Every one of these blurbs says he's charming:
«I was swept away by a wave of charm.»

«I was immolated in a firewall of charm and charism.» «I almost exploded from the concentration of charm on the page.»

I bet I can open it anywhere and I find this fop posing on a jeep looking smug.

[he opens the book, finds the photograph]

Bernard:
Haha!

Bernard:
Men have a different way of noticing hair and appearance. Which is not noticing."

Bernard:
I tell you what, we are going to this party, because I'm trying to picture this "girl" who "likes you" and all I can see is you in a dress.

Bernard:
And what am I supposed to do when you're doing the underpants charleston with this insane, blind tart?!

Manny:
Why are you getting so angry?

Bernard:
I can't help being angry when I'm furious!

Fran:
Bernard, why aren't you dancing?

Bernard:
There's no music.

Fran:
Well, sing us a song - you're Irish.

Manny:
She's nice.

Bernard:
Oh, she's nice is she? Don't make me get sick into my own scorn. Does she play the viola, does she embroider, is she kind to the servants?

Bernard:
And who is she anyway, this so-called person!?

Manny:
Let's paaaar...

Bernard:
[points his finger threateningly at Manny] DON'T YOU DARE USE THE WORD 'PARTY' AS A VERB IN THIS SHOP!!

Manny:
Let's... poooootter along... in order to attend the party! [Bernard lowers his finger]

Manny:
Fran, get the wine!

Bernard:
What? [sees that there was alcohol in the house the whole time] Lies! Subterfuge! Seething corruption!

Bernard:
What is this I'm drinking? It's disgusting. It's like a choc ice fell into a bottle of bleach. This is children's booze! What's yours?

Fran:
Bludge. It's quite good actually. You don't even have to drink it. You just rub it on your hips and it eats right through to your liver.

Bernard:
I don't mean this in a bad way, but genetically you are a cul-de-sac.

Bernard:
The music was too loud, the food was cold, the drinks were few, and the people were many. It was everything I expected, and less. I'm never going outside again unless I need someplace to throw up.

Manny:
(to Bernard) Would you like some beetroot liqueur? You can have it. You can have the whole bottle. Really, I mean it, you can have..nearly all of it...Go on, go ahead...WHOAA Don't go mad.