The Venture Bros., Season 2

The Venture Bros. is an animated cable television series created by Jackson Publick and written by Publick and Doc Hammer. It chronicles the adventures of two dopey teenage boys Hank and Dean, their mediocre "super-scientist" father (and former boy adventurer) Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture, and their secret-agent bodyguard Brock Samson.

When Brock is reactivated by the Office of Secret Intelligence to track down a rogue agent, he subcontracts his ex-girlfriend, the malevolent mercenary Molotov Cocktease, to protect the Venture Compound from enemies within and without.

Brock:
You Colonel Gathers?

Hunter:
(sounding like Hunter S. Thompson) What! Oh no you don't! (tackles Brock and sits on his chest, holding a knife to his throat) What do you want from me? Who sent you, you bastard?

Brock:
Personnel! Special Agent-in-Training Brock Samson reporting for duty.

Hunter:
Don't you salute me, you bastard! (stabs Brock's hand with a knife)

Brock:
Ow!

Hunter:
Leave that Little John-John crap back in Biloxi.

Brock:
Yes sir!

Hunter:
And don't sir me, damn you! You're not in the Marines anymore. This is intelligence. Start using it.

Brock:
Okay, Colonel... uuh...

Hunter:
Call me Hunter. Now let me get a good look at you. Good god! They're making 'em big now a days. Don't they know there's a gas crunch on?. Look at the size of you. (reads file) Samson, Brock. Born Omaha, Nebraska to a single mother. Half Swedish, quarter Polish, quarter Winnebago. You lost your virginity at fourteen, have one brother and you enjoy Motocross. (burns file with cigarette) The Brock Samson you knew and were is dead. Happy birthday, Frankenstein! You're O.S.I.'s baby now. Are you prepared to do whatever your country asks of you?

Brock:
Yes.

Hunter:
Can you keep your head about you when you're confronted with mind-blowing weirdness at every turn?

Brock:
Yes!

Hunter:
Are you ready for anything?

Brock:
Yes!

Hunter:
(pause) Are you still ready for anything?

Brock:
Yes!

Hunter:
Wrong! (smashes Brock across the knee with a metal pole) Lesson number one: trust no one. Minute God crapped out the third caveman, a conspiracy was hatched against one of them. Get up, damn you! (throws Brock a jetpack) Strap 'er on kid, your training starts now. When I'm through with you, you'll be a member of the elite agency that's been thanklessly defending this big-ass country since the second American Revolution.... the invisible one. Welcome to the Office of Secret Intelligence, Samson!

[Phantom Limb is outside his garden bird shooting]

Monarch:
Apparently, you lost your hearing as well as your arms. I said I'm getting married to your girlfriend!

Phantom Limb:
Yes, yes. I heard you.

Monarch:
You surprise me, Limb. You're taking this pretty well. I thought you'd try to kill me.

Phantom Limb:
I'm no fool, Monarch. You don't live with a woman and not know when this is coming. You don't dine on the bounty of a woman's flesh and not know what she's thinking.

Monarch:
OK, OK.

Phantom Limb:
You don't drive your manhood over and over into a woman and...

Monarch:
Yes, stop. I get it! Just give me her shit and let me go. She needs something old.

Phantom Limb:
In due time. I thought we'd have a nice chat first. There's one. [Shoots Mr. Monday]

Monarch:
Was that Mr. Monday?

Phantom Limb:
Oh yes. You two were in prison together, were you not?

Monarch:
I saw him... around. I think.

Phantom Limb:
You'd be surprised at the array of wildlife here on the grounds. Wonder what other game we could scare up. [Shoots Dr. Septapus out of the tree]

Monarch:
Dr... Septapus?

Phantom Limb:
Oh, don't tell me, Not another one of your former prison mates? What are the odds? [Shoots him again]

Monarch:
All right, Limb. What's going on here?

Phantom Limb:
Just disposing of some vermin. Terrible, the havoc they can wreak on a meticulously manicured lawn, you know. [Shoots White-Noise]

Monarch:
OK, OK, fine. So what did you do? Bust all these guys out of jail just to show me how ruthless you are?

Phantom Limb:
What do you take me for, a common thug? Of course not. I hired them an excellent appeals attorney. And there he is.

[Tiny Attorney appears naked out of the bush]

Tiny Attorney:
Please! Phantom Limb! I did everything you asked!

[Phantom Limb shoots him]

Phantom Limb:
I'm a reasonable man, Monarch. But don't think for a moment that I will forget this. Revenge, like gazpacho soup is best served cold, precise and merciless.

Monarch:
Oh, yeah. You can never have enough precision in your soup. Look, nut-job, I hate these traitorous dinks more than you do! So shoot whoever you want.

[Phantom Limb intensely points the shotgun at Monarch's face]

Phantom Limb:
Go. Her shit is by the door in a box marked "Hers."

The Great White Oracle:
Giant Boy Detective, show me this mighty warrior you speak of!

Giant Boy Detective:
Okay, but don't be judgmental. You have to keep an open mind!

The Great White Oracle:
I always do!

Giant Boy Detective:
You're kidding, right?

The Great White Oracle:
You're the one whose always judgmental.

Giant Boy Detective:
A-Are you insane?! You're always, like, "Hey fella, you might wanna roll up the windows in this neighborhood!"

The Great White Oracle:
Am I doing it now?

Giant Boy Detective:
Well, no but...

The Great White Oracle:
Then show me the friggin' warrior already! (Giant Boy Detective reveals Dean) What, behind the little kid?

Giant Boy Detective:
See, you always do this!

The Great White Oracle:
What? I'm not being judgmental, I'm making a judgment. There's a huge difference.

Giant Lab Rat:
Oh, this is just stupid! You bother the Great White Oracle for this?! That shivering child? Clearly he's incompetent and I bet he's a sissy!

The Great White Oracle:
Yeah, or a crybaby. (taunting) Is this true? Is baby gonna cry? Like a witlle baby cwy, huh?

Dean:
(fighting back tears) I am not a crybaby!

Giant Boy Detective:
Eh, don't kid yourself there. You're bit of a pussy. No offense.

Dean:
I can do this! I am the chosen one! I have the Ring of Power! (Ring falls off his finger onto the floor)

Giant Boy Detective:
The princess is completely screwed...

Dean:
There's a princess?

The Great White Oracle:
Oh, sure! And she is a looker!

Giant Lab Rat:
Oh, please! She dresses like a whore!

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