How I Met Your Mother

How I Met Your Mother



Genre: Comedy
Year:
2005
42,519 Views

Ted Mosby:
[Ted has just smashed his gingerbread house because Marshall said that after the pregnancy false alarm, he and Lily want a dog]

[to Marshall and Lily]

Ted Mosby:
Are you kidding me? All you ever talk about is having kids, and now you have one little freakout, you want to get a dog instead? No, unacceptable! You're gonna turn around, go home, get naked, lie together as man and wife until Lily is great with child! Right now.

[couple still look at him]

Ted Mosby:
I'M SERIOUS, GO GO GO!

Robin Scherbatsky:
[after seeing the two leave, murmuring to Robin] Marshall and Lily got in trouble...

Ted Mosby:
And YOU! Barney, you look real stupid in that suit. You're gonna get your money back and give it to charity - and I don't mean that stripper you keep emailing us about even though we begged you to take us off that list.

Barney Stinson:
I can't give this suit back. Ted, I glow in the dark. I finally glow in the dark!

Ted Mosby:
[shouts] Criminals of New York, attention! This man is wearing a diamond-covered suit, you could retire on the pants alone. Merry Christmas!

[Barney runs away and Ted confronts Robin]

Robin Scherbatsky:
So if I get a large popcorn, would you go split-ski...

Ted Mosby:
[Interupting] And you, you did not move into the greatest city on Earth to become a coin-flipping bimbo.

[takes out coin]

Ted Mosby:
So, here's how it goes - Heads, you take the job at Worldwide News. Tails, you take the job at Worldwide News.

[flips coin into Robin's face]

Ted Mosby:
Hey, looks like somebody got a new gig!

Barney Stinson:
[after Quinn finds out Barney dated Robin and gives him exactly 1 minute to explain himself] Barney: Seven years ago when Marshall and Lily got engaged Ted saw Robin across a crowded room and I said "oh yeah you just know she likes it dirty," but Ted really liked her so we played "Haaave You me Ted?" They went to dinner, he walked her home, should have kissed her, didn't, lame. So he stole the Smurf penis, went back to her place, should have kissed her, didn't, lame. He threw three parties, they kissed on the roof but decided to be friends, lame. Then Ted wanted to take Robin to a wedding, she couldn't go, he went alone and met Victoria. Didn't kiss her either, lame. Not a great closer Ted. Then he finally kissed her, they started dating, she went to Germany. Ted kissed Robin, lost Victoria, Ted did a rain dance, got Robin. Ted and Robin broke up, Robin moved to Brazil came back with a Latin stud. Ted got jealous, got a tramp stamp, not really relevant to the story I just like mentioning it as much as possible. I hooked up with Robin, Ted and I stopped being friends, Ted got hit by a bus we made up... Robin and I started dating and I got fat her hair fell out. We broke up, Robin dated Don, I dated Nora. I cheated on her with Robin, I dumped Nora. Robin dated Kevin but not for long and then I met you and you took my Grandpa's watch, but I fell in love with you anyway and you let me fart in front of you and I asked you to marry me and you said yes so we came over here to meet little Marvin and that's everything. Also I went on the Price Is Right and I won a dune buggy!

Ted:
[Meeting The Mother for the first time] Excuse me. Hi.

Tracy McConnell:
Hi!

Ted:
I'm...

Tracy McConnell:
The best man. [puts her umbrella over Ted's head] Yeah, get in here. Get in here. Get in here.

Ted:
Oh, thanks. Here, let me. [holds the umbrella]

Tracy McConnell:
Oh, okay. Thank you.

Ted:
Yeah. Great show tonight.

Tracy McConnell:
Oh, thank you!

Ted:
You're Cindy's ex-roommate, right?

Tracy McConnell:
Yeah, and you are the professor. I took one of your classes.

Ted:
Really? Which one?

Tracy McConnell:
Econ 305.

Ted:
Econ 305? I don't teach - [realizes she was among the students when Ted mistakenly started teaching the wrong class a few years ago] Oh, no.

Tracy McConnell:
Oh, yeah.

Ted:
Excuse me, I going to jump onto the tracks now.

Tracy McConnell:
No, no no no, don't. You were great. You were great.

Ted:
Wait a second, this is my umbrella. I left this umbrella at Cindy's. You totally stole my umbrella.

Tracy McConnell:
[laughs] What? No, I didn't! This is *my* umbrella. I bought this.

Ted:
Excuse me, it even has my initials on it. Right here. [points to handle] T.M. Ted Mosby.

Tracy McConnell:
Yeah, look again, Ted Mobsy, those are *my* initials. T.M. Tracy McConnell.

Ted, Tracy McConnell:
Um, no, Tracy McConnell. It's T.M. Totally My umbrella.

Tracy McConnell:
Um, *you're* T.M. Terribly Mistaken, because this umbrella has always belongs to T.M. To Me. [laughs] Although, I *did* lose it for a few years there. Um, so I went to this dance club on...

Ted:
On St. Patrick's Day.

Tracy McConnell:
On St. Patrick's Day.

Ted:
And you left it there.

Ted Mosby:
Thanks for not telling Robin the list was mine. But I don't get it. You're so against me moving. Why'd you help me out?

Lily Aldrin:
For a guy that loves New York this much, to leave it... You must really need to go, huh?

Ted Mosby:
Yeah. I really do.

Lily Aldrin:
Okay. But there's still one item left on this list. Time to check it off.

Ted Mosby:
Yeah, I should probably wait for Marshall.

Lily Aldrin:
Well, we both know he may not get here in time. Be honest: Have you been avoiding Barney?

Ted Mosby:
Maybe a little.

Lily Aldrin:
This is the biggest weekend of his life, and you're his best bro. No matter how awkward you feel, if you're not there for him, you will always regret it. Hey, Ted?

Ted Mosby:
Yeah.

Lily Aldrin:
You wrote down all these things to say goodbye to. But so many of them are good things. Why not just say goodbye to the bad things? Say goodbye to all the times you felt lost. To all the times that was a no instead of a yes. To all the scrapes and bruises. To all the heartache. Say goodbye to everything you really want to do for the last time. But don't go have one last scotch with Barney... Have the first scotch, toasting Barney's new life. Because that's a good thing, and the good things will always be here waiting for you. [flashbacks of many of the bad things Ted has gone through over the years flashes over the screen as Lily speaks. When Lily is done, Ted smiles] What?

Ted Mosby:
Turn the page.

Lily Aldrin:
[turns the page] "Get one last life lecture from Lily." Oh, you're dreaming if you think that's the last one of those. [they hug]

Jerry Whitaker:
[Jerome "Jerry" Whittaker sees Barney try to dismantle a basketball hoop over his driveway] Barney, what is going on?

Barney Stinson:
This is *mine*.

Jerry Whitaker:
I don't understand.

Barney Stinson:
JJ gets a childhood, a dad, a real family, and a basketball hoop? No, no, I at least get the hoop, I'm taking it with me.

Jerry Whitaker:
Please, just come down and talk to me.

Barney Stinson:
[Angry] Why? Why should I? You're lame, okay? You're just some lame, suburban dad.

Jerry Whitaker:
Why does that make you so mad?

Barney Stinson:
Because if you were going to be some [agitated] lame, suburban dad, why couldn't you have been that for *me*?

Jerry Whitaker:
Look, Barney, I know I screwed up.

Barney Stinson:
Oh, "screwed up" doesn't even begin to describe what I've been through...

Jerry Whitaker:
I know, I know, I KNOW! I want to fix this and I don't know how! Please, tell me what I can do! I'll do anything! [Barney continues trying to remove the hoop, Jerry briefly goes back inside and returns with a tool box] You'll never get it down like that. [gives screwdriver to Barney, who hits hoop with it like a hammer] No, Barney, Barney! Put the pointy end into the grooves. That's it, now turn it. Righty-tighty, lefty-loosey. [Barney begins unscrewing] I have no good excuse, Barney. It took me years before I was even able to look myself in the mirror for the way I let you down. It took courage to send me that letter. More courage than I've ever had. I owe you a lifetime of apologies, and I, I just... I have no idea where to begin.

Barney Stinson:
[Barney visits Robin at the shooting range after Lily reveals to him Robin's post-breakup depression] Hey.

Robin Scherbatsky:
[Sees Barney and takes off earplugs, still sad] What's up? Thought you were going on some big date.

Barney Stinson:
Robin, I know you're upset.

Robin Scherbatsky:
What? No, I have I've never been happier, and this Anita sounds lovely. I'm so glad that the two of you just randomly happened to find each other. [angry tone] It just warms my frickin' heart [returns to pistol and fires again without earplugs, deafening Barney. Robin throws away pistol when she's out of rounds and catches breath]

Barney Stinson:
So you're not upset?

Robin Scherbatsky:
Of course, I'm upset, Barney. Don't you see how constantly talking about your conquests makes me feel like I'm just another number to you?

Barney Stinson:
But you're not just another number to me.

Robin Scherbatsky:
And now, you're taking Anita, who you barely know, on this amazing date, when I never got treated that way. It just, it just sucks, that's all, it just sucks. [pause]

Barney Stinson:
Wow, I knew I was bad at being a boyfriend, but I had no idea I'd be so much worse at being an ex-boyfriend. I'm sorry. What can I do to make it up to you?

Robin Scherbatsky:
Nothing, Barney. You've already proven I'm not important.

Barney Stinson:
Stop that, I'm serious. Ask me for anything.

Robin Scherbatsky:
Okay, don't sleep with Anita.

Barney Stinson:
Done.

Robin Scherbatsky:
Barney, of course you're going to sleep with her. Why else would you be taking her on this superdate?

Barney Stinson:
She's not going on this superdate, Robin. You are.

Older Ted:
Kids, I'm gonna tell you an incredible story. The story of how I met your mother.

Son:
Are we being punished for something.

Older Ted:
No.

Daughter:
Yeah, is this gonna take awhile?

Older Ted:
Yes. Twenty-five years ago, before I was "dad" I had this whole other life. I was 27, just starting out as an architect, living with your uncle Marshall. My life was good. Then your uncle Marshall went screwed the whole thing up.

[flash to 2005]

Marshall Eriksen:
Will you marry me?

Ted:
Yes! Perfect. You pop the champagne. You drink a toast. You have sex on the kitchen floor. Don't have sex on our kitchen floor.

Marshall Eriksen:
Right. Got it. Thanks for helping me plan this out, Ted.

Ted:
Are you kidding? It's you and Lily. I've been there for all the big you and Lily moments. The night you met, your first date... other firsts.

Marshall Eriksen:
Yeah... sorry, we thought you were asleep.

Ted:
It's physics, Marshall. If the bottom bunk moves, the top bunk moves too. Oh my God, you're getting engaged tonight.

Marshall Eriksen:
Yeah. What are you doing tonight?

Older Ted:
[V.O] What was I doing? Here, your uncle Marshall was taking the biggest step of his life and me? I'm calling up your uncle Barney.

Barney:
Hey, so you know how I've always had a thing for half-Asian chicks? Well, now I've got a new thing. Lebanese chicks. Lebanese chicks are the new half-Asians.

Ted:
Hey, you wanna do something tonight?

Barney:
Okay, meet me at the bar in 10 minutes, and suit up!

Barney:
[Ted walks in] Where's your suit? Just once, when I say, "suit up" I wish you'd put on a suit.

Ted:
I did... that one time.

Barney:
It was a blazer!

Marshall Eriksen:
I mean, look, when you first met Don, you hated him, you thought "This guy's a duck", but one of these days you're gonna realize "This is actually someone that I love, he's a rabbit".

Ted Mosby:
Wow I think you got it backwards there, buddy. The duck is the thing you love, the rabbit is the thing you hate.

Marshall Eriksen:
What?

Robin Scherbatsky:
Yeah I got to agree. Duck's up, rabbit down.

Lily Aldrin:
Definitely. Ducks are better than rabbits.

Marshall Eriksen:
I got... ducks are... ducks are... rabbits are adorable. Ducks are aargh. Have you ever been in a fight with a duck? I mean, ducks are... jerks.

Narrator:
This lead to one of the most intense arguments our group has ever had. [Flash forward, everyone is yelling]

Ted Mosby:
Duck is delicious. Rabbit is all gamey.

Marshall Eriksen:
We're not talking about flavour, Ted!

Ted Mosby:
Flavour counts! [Flash forward, yelling]

Marshall Eriksen:
Who carries a duck's foot for good luck? Anyone?

Robin Scherbatsky:
[Flash forward, yelling] You wrap yourself in a comforter stuffed with rabbit hair. I wrap myself in one stuffed with duck feathers. Who's cosier? No, no, no, no, no, no... who's cosier?

Ted Mosby:
[Flash forward] Hold on, I've got to get another book.

Ted Mosby:
[Flash forward] Then why don't we take, a rabbit, a duck, stick 'em in a cardboard box and let them fight it out?

Marshall Eriksen:
Because it's illegal, Ted!

Ted Mosby:
Only if we bet on it, Marshall!

Marshall Eriksen:
[Flash forward] FINE! I CAN SEE IT! YOU WIN!