Frasier

Frasier:
So, how do the calls look today?

Roz:
Well, we've got a couple of jilted lovers, a man who's afraid of his car, a manic depressive, and three people who feel their lives are going nowhere.

Frasier:
Oh, I love a Monday.

Frasier:
Hello, Ethan. I'm listening.

Ethan:
Hi, Dr. Crane.

Frasier:
How old are you?

Ethan:
I'm thirteen.

Frasier:
Well, what can I do for you?

Ethan:
Well, I'm having a lot of problems with the other kids at school. They're always beating me up.

Frasier:
Why do you think that's so?

Ethan:
Probably because I'm smart. I have a 160 IQ. I'm in the astronomy club and I hate sports.

Frasier:
Well, you know, Ethan, the other children are just acting out of jealousy and immaturity, and I know it doesn't help much right now, but the day will come in the next few years when you will have the last laugh.

Ethan:
...That's it?

Frasier:
[surprised] Yes.

Ethan:
Frankly, Dr. Crane, I find that advice patronizing, simplistic and, in all candor, uninspired. The real surprise here is that they pay you to dole out this balloon juice.

Frasier:
Ethan, where are you calling from?

Ethan:
Home.

Frasier:
Well, if any of Ethan's classmates are listening, you know where he is, and he can't stay in there forever. Thank you for your call.

Frasier:
Hello, Rachel. I'm listening.

Rachel:
Oh, thanks for taking my call, Dr. Crane. Um, I'm involved in sort of a strange love triangle.

Frasier:
Oh goody, this is sweeps week!

[Niles watches Martin working out a chess problem]

Niles:
Uh-uh. [Martin reaches for another piece] Mmm-mmm.

Martin:
All right, what would you do?

Niles:
Well for starters, I'd take that corn-nut off the board.

Martin:
That corn-nut's my bishop. Eddie ate the real one.

Niles:
In that case, Corn-nut to Rook Seven.

Frasier:
Niles, is there a light bulb over my head?

Niles:
You have an idea?

Frasier:
No, I'm asking if there's actually a light bulb over my head.

[repeated line]

Frasier:
This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you all good mental health.

Daphne:
I suppose I like my gents more on the manly side. [Looking at the napkin Niles is holding] Is that a little swan you just made?

Niles:
No, it was a B-52.

[In some versions of the closing credits theme]

Frasier:
Scrambled eggs all over my face; what is a boy to do?

[repeated line]

Frasier:
I'm listening.

[Looking through a box of keepsakes from Niles' childhood]

Martin:
Oh, no one around here draws pictures anymore. [Looks closely] What the heck is this, anyway?

Niles:
Oh, that is an Egyptian battle scene from A?da. Look, that's Radames, and that's the jealous Amneris, and - [laughs] Oh, I misspelled Amonasro. Ah, to be six again...

Bulldog:
Where's my pen? [Slapping down angrily on the table] THIS STINKS! THIS IS TOTAL BS! THIS IS... Oh, here it is.

Frasier:
[responding to a caller] Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the Tunneling Electron Microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem.

Frasier:
Cupid and his arrow have declared me an endangered species.

[repeated line]

Frasier:
Oh, knock it off!

[Frasier is trying to get Bebe to quit smoking]

Frasier:
For God's sake... I don't care anymore. You know, I can't help you, nobody can. You want to ruin it for both of us? Here... [tosses her a lighter]... go ahead, knock yourself out.

[Bebe begins to light cigarette]

Frasier:
I only wish I could be there when it happens.

Bebe:
When what happens?

Frasier:
When you see that newspaper headline: "Big Willy Boone, Millionaire, Dead." Oh, how I wish I could be there when you watch the funeral on the news. Watch the casket being slipped into the ground. Only, you won't be watching that. No, no, you'll be watching... the widow Boone. Tiffany, perhaps. Oh no, better yet, "Kelli" - with an "I"!

Bebe:
[tortured] Stop it!

Frasier:
You'll picture her wearing YOUR jewels, sailing in YOUR yachts, sleeping with YOUR gigolos - but, oh, you won't be sad, no, no, no! [chuckles] Because you'll have your cigarette.

[Bebe stares at her cigarette with fear]

Frasier:
Yeah! Clutched in your nicotine-stained teeth, smoke whirling about your once-pretty, now creased, leathery, smoke-ravaged...

Bebe:
[anguished] Enough!

[Bebe hands the cigarettes to a triumphant Frasier]

Bebe:
God! You are one hell of a therapist!

Frasier:
And though washing one's hands twenty to thirty times a day would be considered obsessive/compulsive, please bear in mind that your husband is a coroner. Thank you for your call, Jeanine. Roz, whom do we have next?

[Buldog is doing his radio show]

Bulldog:
[to a caller] Well Chuck, I'm really sorry I offended you. Now why don't you put your skirt back on and do some dishes?

[repeated line]

Frasier:
Oh dear God!

[repeated line]

Frasier:
What fresh Hell awaits!

Frasier:
Niles, have you been self-medicating again?

[Niles notices Roz checking out a man]

Niles:
Are you quite finished undressing him with your eyes?

Roz:
Oh, please. I'm already looking for my stockings and trying to remember where I parked my car.

[Niles sees an author that he and Frasier idolized]

Roz:
Well, why don't you go over and introduce yourself?

Niles:
I can't just walk up to a god like that.

Roz:
Well, find a subtler way.

Niles:
In your vernacular that would be what? To slingshot your panties across the street?

[Daphne opens the door to Roz and Alice]

Roz Doyle:
Hey, Daphne.

Daphne Moon:
Hello, Roz, Alice. What brings you here?

Roz Doyle:
We're borrowing Frasier's car.

Daphne Moon:
Oh, I see. And you're leaving Alice here as collateral.

Dr. Niles Crane:
Hey Roz, hello Alice. What brings you here?

Roz Doyle:
Oh, Frasier loaned me his car, I backed mine into a telephone pole.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
You said you were getting a tune-up!

Roz Doyle:
[leaving hastily] It needs one, trust me!

Dr. Niles Crane:
I'd hardly call this a dog park. It's more like a dog... orgy. Whose beagles are those?

Daphne Moon:
Don't stare, it only encourages them.

Phillip:
Anyway, my wife just left with the kids. No talking, no explanations, just ripped my heart out and threw it to the dogs - which she also took.

Lana Gardner:
Now, don't you think you should get back to work?

Phillip:
I guess. That air traffic isn't gonna control itself.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Good lord, that man is obviously in pain, the least you could be is a little sympathetic!

Lana Gardner:
I have been sympathetic for fifteen months! I had him over for Thanksgiving! He got drunk the first half-hour and cried himself to sleep in my coat closet! And I consider that one of our good days!

[Frasier and Lana are building a popsicle stick house]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
You know, there was a time back in high school, when I would have paid a thousand dollars to watch you eat a popsicle.

[She just looks at him with the popsicle in her mouth... and bites off the end, making him flinch]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
It was a long time ago.

Lana Gardner:
I gotta go up to Phil's room and spray some air freshener around. His room reeks of... I don't know, despair!

[last lines]

Board Member:
Can you tell us what consideration, if any, you've given this crime?

David Hicks:
Well... I regret it, everyday. I was young at the time, and I wasn't thinking - you know, about the consequences. And I'm very sorry.

Board Member:
The victim is here. Mr. Crane, would you like to make a statement?

[Martin stands, looks at the prisoner's mother, then shakes his head]

Martin Crane:
I have nothing to say.

Board Member:
Would you give us a moment?

[pause while the board members confer]

Board Member:
Mr. Hicks, the board commends you for your participation in the in-house programs to better yourself, and for your record of excellent conduct. We have weighed this against your conviction of shooting a police officer during the commission of a robbery, and find that the length of your time served has not yet met the standards for proportionality, equality, and justice as required by state law. Parole is denied.

[Niles is preparing Thanksgiving turkey in Lilith's kitchen]

Niles:
Where do you keep your saffron?

Lilith:
Third cupboard.

Niles:
Mm-hmm, and where do you keep your shallots?

Lilith:
In the crisper. By the way, you still have to remove the entrails from the chest cavity.

Niles:
In that case, where do you keep your ten-foot pole?

Martin:
What's wrong?

Niles:
Oh, just a little depressed. It's my first Thanksgiving without Maris.

Martin:
Oh, yeah, I know, son. It's hard.

Niles:
Do you remember the year I plopped that big wedge of pumpkin pie in front of her, and we all laughed? Then I put a big scoop of whipped cream on top of it and we laughed some more! Then her eyes welled up with tears and we all knew it was time to stop.

Lilith:
I'm nearly done defrosting.

Niles:
And the turkey?

Lilith:
Might I suggest you stuff it?

[Roz is house-sitting for Frasier]

Frasier:
Oh yes, and by the way, I frown on overnight guests.

Roz:
Then you're not doing it right.

[Roz is house-sitting for Frasier]

Daphne:
If you change the paper towels, he likes the flap facing the front. If you change the bathroom tissue, the flap faces the back, don't ask me why.

Roz:
I don't know how you live with him.

Daphne:
Huh, I don't know how you work with him.

Roz:
Well, I have learned a trick: when he's really bugging me, I ask if he hasn't lost a little weight. Before you know it, he's checking his butt out in the glass of the candy machine.

Daphne:
Really? I tell him he's gained weight. He skips dinner, sulks in his room, and I have the whole evening to myself.

[they laugh and clink glasses]

Daphne:
If you don't mind my asking, are you taking anything along to keep your nephew amused?

Niles:
Yes, his grandfather.

Niles:
Oh, by the way, what time tomorrow are Frederick and Lilith flying in?

Martin:
Her broom touches down at eleven.

Frasier:
[giving Roz instructions on caring for his orchids] I know I'm harping on and on about this, but I know you're not used to dealing with delicate flowers.

Roz:
I've produced your show for three years, haven't I?

Roz:
This uncle of yours - does he dress like a woman all the time?

Daphne:
No, certainly not for work. His congregation would never stand for it.

Lilith:
Frasier, if you over-analyze every detail, you will rob us of the joy of the moment. It will be our wedding night all over again.

Niles:
Double Cappuccino, half-caf, not-fat milk, with just enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing but not so much that it leaves a moustache.

Eric:
Cinnamon or chocolate on that?

Niles:
Oh, they make this so complicated.

Niles:
There I was lying in wait, with my little plastic knife clenched between my teeth, when the closet door was flung open and I found myself face to face with the upstairs maid. She began screaming what I gather were some very unflattering things in idiomatic Guatemalan, when Maris stumbled upon the scene and completely misconstrued it. The next thing I knew she ordered me out of the house! I barely had time to grab my pantaloons and buckle my swash.

Niles:
I'm just not someone who cries, it's not in my nature. When Maris' uncle Lyle died, I had to shut my hand in the car door just to make a decent showing at the funeral.

Daphne:
I'm already exhibiting the three signs of a woman in love: I can't stop thinking about him, I can't eat and I bought meself all new underwear!

Martin:
We gotta get her a girlfriend to talk to.

Frasier:
[Niles and Daphne are alone in his house] My God, it's a recipe for disaster! You've got a vulnerable woman and an unstable man in a gothic mansion on a rainy night! The only thing missing is someone shouting "Heathcliff!" across the moors!

Eric:
I don't suppose you'd be interested in something robust - if it didn't come on too strong.

Daphne:
Well, if it was a little bit sweet, I might take a liking to it.

Niles:
How could she like him? The man has "community college" written all over him!

Daphne:
I don't know why I'm being so silly. We weren't together long enough for anything to really happen.

Niles:
Sometimes the strongest feelings come from the promise of what might happen. Just the anticipation is just enough to make all the little hairs on your neck stand on end.

[smooths down the hairs on the back of his neck]

Daphne:
I feel very close to you.

Niles:
I feel very close to you too Daphne. You know it's easy being someone you feel close to when you feel close to someone who's so close.

Frasier:
Oh hi, Roz, how are you?

Roz Doyle:
Do you really want to know how I am, or are you just making conversation? Because if you really want to know how I am, I'll tell you.

Frasier:
Well, I was just making conversation.

Frasier:
Actually, Roz, there's some advice I need.

Roz Doyle:
[moody] About what?

Frasier:
A subject in which you're quite well-versed, sex.

Roz Doyle:
[brightly] How can I help you?

Frasier:
What do you do when the romance goes out of a relationship?

Roz Doyle:
I get dressed and go home.

Roz Doyle:
My point is, that women need to see the men they make love to as exciting, romantic figures. So I say, if you want to keep this woman interested, try creating a fantasy for an evening. Personally, I think you'd make a very sexy gladiator.

Frasier:
Roz, this is not for me, this is for my brother, Niles.

Roz Doyle:
Oh! Well, in that case, make it a gladiola.

Niles:
The truth is, Maris and I are in a bit of a rut. We seem to have lapsed into this grey, numbing blandness.

Frasier:
Well, that's perfectly normal in a relationship of some years. Maybe you should try spicing things up a bit?

Niles:
You mean, boudoir wise?

Frasier:
For starters, yeah.

Niles:
Like how?

Frasier:
Well, the two of you could... well, you could... well, it's you and Maris, so you could... I'm stumped.

Niles:
Just remember that she can't have shellfish... poultry, red meat, staturated fats, nitrates, wheat, starch, sulfates, MSG or herring. Did I say nuts?

Frasier:
Oh, I think that's implied.

Daphne:
Dr. Crane, your Glockenspiel has sprung to life!

Niles:
Love is a funny thing, isn't it? Sometimes it's exciting and passionate. Sometimes it's something else. Something... comfortable and familiar. That newly-exfoliated little face staring up at you across the breakfast table... sharing a laugh together when you see someone wearing white after Labor Day.

Daphne:
I hope some day some man will feel that way about me.

Niles:
Oh, Daphne, don't worry. You are a very special person, and some day a man worthy of you will come along... just as soon as the gods create him.

Eric:
Most people find that blend too intense.

Daphne:
Not me. I like something that holds its body on my tongue.

[Niles spills cream all over the table]

[Niles shows up at Frasier's house wearing a pirate costume, saying that Maris has kicked him out]

Niles:
There's a perfectly reasonably explanation for the way I'm dressed.

Frasier:
All right, just keep in mind that I reserve the right to say "stop" at any time.

Niles:
Well, my plan was to leave a treasure map downstairs for Maris with clues that would lead her to my whereabouts. Then I'd hide in the linen closet and wait for her to find me.

Martin:
Dressed like that?

Niles:
Actually no, at the time I was wearing only my eye-patch. Although, technically is it still an eye-patch if you're wearing it on your-?

Frasier:
STOP!

[Niles's romantic plans went awry when the maid discovered him waiting in the linen closet, nude]

Niles:
I'll never be able to face the maid again.

Martin:
I don't think it's your face she'll remember.

[he laughs, Niles glares]

Martin:
Oh come on, Niles, everybody has an embarrassing story to tell. Did I ever tell you about the time I got locked outside in the backyard in my underwear?

Niles:
Only every Thanksgiving.

Martin:
Well, don't worry, I won't be telling that story this year!

Daphne:
Dr. Crane...

Niles:
Yes, Daphne?

Daphne:
We're losing the fire!

Niles:
No we're not, it's burning with the heat of a thousand suns!

[Frasier's phone rings, and the answering machine picks up]

Frasier:
Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. I'm listening.

[beep]

Niles:
Frasier... Frasier? I'm having a little crisis here. Actually a large crisis. It's no time to screen calls... Damn! [hangs up]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Kirby! Did you do any reading this week?

Kirby:
Sort of.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
What does "sort of" mean?

Kirby:
No.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Right. Why not?

Kirby:
'Cause it's a bunch of junk I'm never gonna need to know.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Yes, Kirby, this "junk", as you call it, may seem unimportant to you now, but knowing something about where we came from may help you to decide where you wish to go. Now, let's start learning about history, lest you be condemned to repeat it.

[He slides the book over to Kirby]

Kirby:
Continue reading until your mother gets here.

Daphne:
Wow. I don't see the three of you watching the same show very often. What's going on? Pavarotti jumping the Grand Canyon?

[Frasier, Martin, and Niles are all watching "The Antiques Roadshow."]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[coming back from the kitchen] Dad, did we miss anything?

Martin Crane:
Nah, just some bozo with a credenza who doesn't know a Biedermeier from an Oscar Meyer.

[They all laugh]

Dr. Niles Crane:
[on Maris] She drove up on the sidewalk, and when the police ran her name through the computer, they found quite a little backlog of unpaid parking tickets.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
What else would you expect from a woman who thinks her chocolate allergy entitles her to park in a handicapped space?

[Frasier fears he has offended a mobster]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Yes, I'll have a non-fat, decaf latte, please. Oh, what the hell? Look, make it a full-fat mocha with extra whipped cream. What the hell, put a slice of bacon on it!

Dr. Niles Crane:
I heard you on the radio today, I thought what you did was noble.

[pause]

Dr. Niles Crane:
To what South American nation will you be fleeing?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Oh, like I'd tell you. One minute of interrogation and you would crack like a Jordan almond!

Jerome Belasco:
[reading a list of Maris's arrest charges] Ignoring a summons, speeding, reckless endangerment. Your wife sounds like a very carefree lady.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Oh yes, she's ounces of fun.

Brandi:
Money ain't everything, especially when you got a sex life like ours.

Roz Doyle:
He's not even good in bed?

Brandi:
Who knows? We're never there long enough to find out.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Oh for... you know this really isn't necessary...

Brandi:
I said to him last night, "What the hell was that? I've been vaccinated slower!"

Dr. Niles Crane:
You see, last week, my lady got on the wrong side of Larry Law, and since then, certain, shall you say, complications have arisen. And now things are hot, hot, hot. And we hear you're the man to turn on the air conditionin'.

Jerome Belasco:
I sense you're a film buff, Dr. Crane.

Dr. Niles Crane:
Alright, fine. If you won't help me, I'll just have to help myself. I'm going down to that precinct house, and I'm not leaving until I get justice. Well, not exactly justice, I suppose, more like preferential treatment, but I'm not leaving 'til I get it!

Roz Doyle:
You know, I was once involved with a guy who got into trouble with the cops...

Dr. Niles Crane:
Notice the complete absence of gasps following that statement.

Roz Doyle:
[gives Niles a card] Here you go, Jerome Belasco.

Dr. Niles Crane:
Oh Roz, you are an angel of mercy. How can I repay you?

Roz Doyle:
The next time you have a smart remark about my sex life, or what I'm wearing, you just keep it to yourself.

Dr. Niles Crane:
[looks her up and down] Consider it done.

[she snatches the card back]

[Frasier snatches Jerome's card from Niles]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Are you mad? I will not have you turning a minor, albeit annoying situation into a... a Martin Scorsese film!

Dr. Niles Crane:
[enters] Frasier, I feel as if I'm being sucked into a vortex of rage and despair!

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Well, right back atcha!

Daphne:
Oh, I love to see a man with a cigar. It reminds me of my grandfather. Morning to night, he used to sit with a great big stogie dangling from his lips. Oh, the hours we kids used to spend sitting on his lap, playing with the yellow whiskers beneath his nose. Then he'd take out his teeth with the cigar still in them and chase us around the room! We'd all laugh and laugh... then suddenly Grampa's mood would change, and we'd all have to run for our lives... You can't buy memories like that.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
You know, I haven't said this out loud, but here goes: she may very well be the woman I spend the rest of my life with.

Roz Doyle:
Go. Go do that. Get married, have a couple of kids, move out to the country, buy a puppy, live happily ever after! Just don't tell me about it, I need a boyfriend!

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Dear Roz. Dear, silly Roz. Dear, silly, horny Roz.

Daphne:
[writing a letter] Mr. Crane, is the proper term "serial killer" or "serial murderer?"

Martin Crane:
Serial killer, why?

Daphne:
Oh, just letting my old mum know what's going on in Seattle. She worries when she doesn't hear from me.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[dressing for his date] Damn it! Eddie, I know you took the socks that go with this suit. Now where are they?

[Eddie pulls a pair of brown socks from under the couch]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Brown socks with a blue suit? I think not. Try again.

[Eddie pulls a pair of black ones from under the cushions. Frasier dresses]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Yes, well, I'm off! You know, I have a good feeling about tonight. I have a song in my heart, a little dance in my step, and dog saliva around my ankles!

[a scene erupts in the restaurant where Frasier and Madeline are dining, when the owner's daughter tells him she's pregnant]

Ettienne:
Who is the father? I want to know, who is the father?

Yvette:
I won't tell you!

Yvette:
Ha, ha, ha! When I find this man, I will kill him! I'll snap his neck like a stale baguette!

[a scene erupts in the restaurant where Frasier and Madeline are dining, when the owner's daughter tells him she's pregnant]

Ettienne:
Are you going to tell me?

Yvette:
No, no!

Dr. Frasier Crane:
You know, there's a clam house up the road that has a late seating...

Madeleine:
Oh no, I think we're getting the most bang for our entertainment buck right here.

[as the restaurant owner's wife leads her daughter out of the kitchen, and calls her husband out as well]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
No, no, listen, if-if everyone comes out here, how will you know when our duck is crispy?

Mother:
As if I wasn't pregnant when we got married, eh?

Ettienne:
Oh, I wish I had been killed in the war!

Mother:
Oh, it's hard to get killed when you run the other way!

[Ettienne is enraged on finding out his daughter is pregnant]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
All right, silence! Silence! Both of you just try to calm down. I'll see what I can do. Monsieur Degas, you are angry now. That is a temporary emotion. You are devastated because you think the bond between a father and a daughter has been broken. She is no longer your little girl. But that's not possible. That bond cannot be broken...

[indicates the busboy cowering in the corner]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Not even by that young man cowering there in the corner who is so obviously the father.

[Frasier reveals the busboy as the father of Yvette's child]

Ettienne:
You? You can't even get water in a glass!

[motions to Yvette]

Ettienne:
How did you do this?

[while Daphne is teaching Niles to blow smoke rings, Frasier comes in and sees her puckering her mouth close to his]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Niles, what are you doing?

Dr. Niles Crane:
I'm learning how to blow smoke.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
*Where*?

[Frasier is having second thoughts about taking Madeline to Bora Bora]

Dr. Niles Crane:
If you ask me, Frasier, your trepidation is well-founded. It is possible to move a relationship along too fast, and ultimately marry too hastily. You could find, a few years down the line, that the person isn't really right for you, and then what happens if you meet the right person, someone who really excites you and makes you feel alive, but you can't act upon it because you're trapped in a stale, albeit comfortable Maris!

[everyone stares at him]

Dr. Niles Crane:
...marriage. I have to go now.

[He grabs his coat and exits]

Daphne:
Well, Dr. Crane, if you'd like a feminine point of view: just shut your bloody cakehole and go!

Frasier:
[to Lilith, his ex-wife] My God, woman, I'd drive a stake through your heart, but I don't think anything could kill you.

Dr. Lilith Sternin:
Dr. Brian Patchett, I'd like you to meet Madeline Marshall, and Dr. Frasier Crane.

Brian:
[laughing] Your ex-husband? You're making a joke!

Dr. Lilith Sternin:
No, God is.

[Lilith has just introduced her boyfriend, Brian, to Frasier]

Dr. Lilith Sternin:
Brian is a seismologist at MIT.

Frasier:
Oh, well, that's perfect: Brian, being a seismologist, and you, having so many faults.

Dr. Niles Crane:
Maris will be thrilled you're coming to see her tonight in the ballet.

Daphne Moon:
Oh, we're delighted.

Martin Crane:
[grumbles unenthusiastically]

Daphne Moon:
You know, when I was younger, I dreamed of being a ballerina myself.

Dr. Niles Crane:
So did Maris. Poor thing could never get weight up enough.

Frasier:
Everyone, we have some very happy news: Lilith is going to be married again.

Martin Crane:
[hesitantly] To who?

Frasier:
Someone else.

Martin Crane:
[tosses aside his cane and rushes across the room to Lilith] Oh, that's great! Congratulations! Wonderful!

Dr. Lilith Sternin:
To Frasier on his meeting of her new boy friend. Brian is a seismologist at M.I.T.

Frasier:
Oh, well that's perfect; Brian being a seismologist and you having so many faults.

Frasier:
[to Lilith, thinking she's Meredith] Put down that mango, my dear. It's time you tasted the forbidden fruit.

[Lilith stands up and turns around]

Frasier:
YAAAAAHHHHHH!

Frasier:
[surprised to see Lilith in Bora Bora] Are you here with someone?

Dr. Lilith Sternin:
Yes, actually. He's snorkeling at the moment.

Frasier:
Anyone I know?

Dr. Lilith Sternin:
Sam Malone.

Frasier:
SAM?

Dr. Lilith Sternin:
Just kidding.

[Bebe and Frasier have slept together]

Frasier:
All right, just go ahead. Get your shots in.

Niles:
No, no. I'm just glad you're all right. I would have assumed she killed after mating.

Martin:
Well, I think I'm going to hit the hay too.

Bebe:
That's awfully risky of you, isn't it? Leaving us "kids" out here unchaperoned.

Martin:
Better him than me.

Frasier:
What kind of a woman are you? You seduced me, you lied to me, you nearly got me killed. You've shamelessly manipulated not only me but the station, the news media, and the entire city of Seattle. What do you have to say for yourself?

Bebe:
Aren't you glad I'm on your side?

Frasier:
Once a woman has dipped her toe into Crane Lake, dry land is never the same again.

Niles:
Yes, she's probably home in her room writing "Mrs. Bebe Crane" over and over in the margin of her algebra book.

Bebe:
Do you have any idea how hot you are? I get offers everyday from other stations offering the moon for you.

Frasier:
Good Lord, am I really that hot?

Bebe:
Are you kidding? If I were a pot roast, I'd be done.

Niles:
Hello, I'm Niles, a person at the table.

Bebe:
Niles, thank God you're here. Back me up. Give him some sound, brotherly advice.

Niles:
She's the Devil, Frasier. Run fast, run far.

Daphne Moon:
Here we are! One cup of tea - half Darjeeling, half Chamomile, skim milk, a packet of sweetener - oh, and I thought you might enjoy a nice fat-free tea biscuit. Will there be anything else?

Bebe:
No. You run along, I'm fine.

Daphne Moon:
You're sure now? Because I could wait 'til you finish the biscuit and floss your teeth for you.

Bebe:
You are a cheeky little monkey, aren't you?

[bites the biscuit]

Bebe:
This cookie tastes like meat!

Daphne Moon:
Yes, and it'll remove tartar and give you a nice, shiny coat!

Niles:
Oh, dear, don't turn around. It's that dreadful woman who works for you.

Frasier:
Who?

Niles:
Um... Lady Macbeth without the sincerity.

Frasier:
Oh! Oh, Bebe's here! Now listen, Niles, I care for her just as little as you do, but she is a terrific agent, which is why I overlook the fact that she's pushy and obnoxious and the most appalling phony I've ever known.

[turns around]

Frasier:
Bebe, darling, how are you?

Martin:
[Martin comes in, sees Frasier and peels open one of his eyelids. Frasier starts awake] Sorry, Eddie, he's still alive. You're not gonna get your own room after all.

Frasier:
Ohhh, God.

Martin:
How're you feeling?

Frasier:
How do I look?

Martin:
Last time I saw a guy who looked like you, he'd been in the trunk of a car at the airport for a month.

Daphne:
I've got some shocking news. I found a ring in your father's underwear drawer.

Frasier:
[shocked] What on earth would leave a ring around his underwear drawer?

[Niles hired a private investigator to check Sherry out]

Dr. Niles Crane:
I was just looking out for Dad here. I mean, what do we really know about this woman?

Frasier:
She makes Dad happy, that's all we need to know.

Dr. Niles Crane:
Is it? Some people do get married before they know all they should. Remember Cousin Donald? He was married two years before he found out his wife used to be a man.

Frasier:
Yes, well, Cousin Donald is a very rare case. First, most people don't have a hidden past; and second, most people have a better eye for details than Cousin Donald. For God's sake, the woman could pick up a watermelon with one hand!

Roz:
If you want to know if a man is cheating, you offer him two choices for dinner. One that's rich and fattening, and one that's light and sensible. If he picks the one that's calorie-packed, he doesn't mind turning into a bloated pig, which means he's happily married and you're in the clear. If he picks the diet plate, it means he's staying in shape for his main squeeze, and you should get yourself a lawyer who can sue the sweat off a racehorse.

Martin:
Maris is learning German, huh? Just when you thought she couldn't get any cuddlier...

Niles:
[thinking that Maris is having an affair] I just got in the car and started driving.

Frasier:
Well, I'm glad you ended up here.

Niles:
Actually, I ended up at the Oregon border-check. I had fruit in the car so I had to turn back.

Frasier:
You know, Roz, when I hear advice like that it makes me wish there was a law against two or more women gathering at a water cooler.

Niles:
So, you want to build a two-master schooner...

Daphne Moon:
Schooner? I thought it was a frigate.

Niles:
No, a frigate has a fore-and-aft mainsail.

Daphne Moon:
No, no, that's a brigantine.

Niles:
Oh, you're right. Well, then what's a frigate?

Martin:
That's when you just don't give a damn anymore! [leaves]

[Martin and Niles are building a model sailing ship]

Daphne Moon:
Did I ever mention one of my ancestors was a mutineer on the H.M.S. Bounty?

Martin:
No kidding.

Daphne Moon:
Yeah, from what we can tell, he made it safely to Pitcairn Island, where he was quite fruitful and multiplied. You know, for all I know, there's some girl who looks exactly like me running around the South Seas, frolicking in the surf, all brown-skinned and bare-breasted...

[Niles snaps the mast he's holding in two, sending the pieces flying over the table]

Niles:
So you want to build a two-masted schooner...

[Niles' wife Maris is having an affair with the husband of one of Frasier's callers]

Roz:
You just tell her that you know she's been mattress surfing with some other guy and if she doesn't knock it off, you'll tell her husband.

Frasier:
It's not that easy! You don't know this woman, she doesn't deal with confrontation very well! I once questioned the political correctness of her serving veal. An hour later we found her locked in the garage with the engine running on a golf kart.

Daphne Moon:
I've got to stop walking in on the middle of conversations.

Frasier:
Niles, are you going to be spending the evening with us?

Niles:
Yes. As much as my Maris misses me, she feels family comes first. When she saw this model, she felt it was the perfect project for me to share with dad.

Frasier:
She wanted you out of the house, huh?

Niles:
Like a musty smell.

Roz Doyle:
Oh, hi. I was just shopping around the corner, thought I'd stop by.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Oh, gosh, well unfortunately I have a date.

Roz Doyle:
That's okay, I have one myself. With Steve.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Oh, yes, your convict friend. Do you think that's wise?

Roz Doyle:
The man made one mistake. Besides, I don't know any guy who's not a little fascinated by fire.

[Simon has been opening the gifts from Daphne's canceled wedding]

Daphne Moon:
That's stealing! These gifts are going back!

Simon Moon:
Never! Returning used merchandise is unethical, and I, for one, will never be party to it.

Dr. Niles Crane:
What are you doing?

Daphne Moon:
Returning gifts.

Dr. Niles Crane:
Oh, right. You know, that's one thing Mel and I avoided by eloping. No gifts to return when you, uh... when...

Simon Moon:
When you shag someone else's wife?

Roz Doyle:
Daphne, Simon's opening your gifts.

Daphne Moon:
Bloody hell!

[runs out]

Simon Moon:
Roz, you little snitch! You know, I'm having serious doubts about whether you're going to be the future mother of my children.

Roz Doyle:
Somewhere out there, the future mother of your children just lifted her head from a puddle of drool.

Simon Moon:
Yeah, but I'll bet she's got a ripper body!

[first lines; Daphne and Niles are fleeing her wedding in Martin's Winnebago]

Dr. Niles Crane:
I can't believe this!

Daphne Moon:
Neither can I!

Dr. Niles Crane:
What made you change your mind?

Daphne Moon:
My little niece, Audrey, the flower girl. She looked up at me and said, "You're the saddest bride I've ever seen." I figured, who was I kidding if I couldn't fool a four year old with an eye patch?

Dr. Niles Crane:
Remind me to give her a car for her preschool graduation.

Martin Crane:
Oh, look. Isn't that my Winnebago pulling out from the gas station?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Oh, I'd say so. You know, Dad, I'm amazed you let Simon drive that thing.

Martin Crane:
Oh, it'll be fine. I gave him a lecture about drinking and driving.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
He did understand you were *discouraging* it?

Martin Crane:
[laughing] Of course... [reconsiders] Uh-oh.

Daphne Moon:
So did Simon get you home all right after dropping my family at the airport?

Roz Doyle:
Oh, yeah. He entertained the whole neighborhood trying to parallel park the Winnebago. The highlight was when he flattened a whole row of newspaper racks.

Martin Crane:
How many did he get? My record's five.

Daphne Moon:
I suppose he followed that up with some sort of clumsy advance?

Roz Doyle:
Oh, he tried, but I told him to get lost. Then he hit on my babysitter! She showed him why she's the star of her JV soccer team.

Daphne Moon:
You know, Mum claims he was dropped as a child. I think he was thrown.

Dr. Niles Crane:
[Daphne had fled from her wedding] Here we are: the end of the driveway.

Daphne Moon:
[fleeing her wedding] I've never done anything this crazy. Are you nervous?

Dr. Niles Crane:
Only that I'm going to wake up.

[Frasier has offered to take Daphne out to get her mind off her troubles, but she has declined]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Sure you won't change your mind?

Daphne Moon:
Positive.

[Simon comes back from walking Eddie]

Simon Moon:
Hello! We've just finished our daily constitutional, with young Edward here dropping a few amendments along the way. So what's on the docket for tonight then?

Daphne Moon:
All I want is a quiet evening at home.

Simon Moon:
Oh, Stilts, you and I are of one mind. I'll hoist a beer while you get dinner started. And then when our bellies are full and you've done the dishes, we will adjourn to the Winnebago, where Mr. Jean-Claude Van Damme, the "Muscles From Brussels" will ply his trade against the forces of evil.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Ready at eight?

Daphne Moon:
Make it seven-thirty.

[on the way to the Natural History Museum]

Dr. Niles Crane:
Why do you like Pygmies so much?

Martin Crane:
They're short and they blow darts. What's not to like?

Daphne Moon:
Explain to me again how you and Mel masquerading as husband and wife is a good thing?

Dr. Niles Crane:
Well...

Dr. Frasier Crane:
If I may? Uh, Daphne, it's basically to give Mel a little wiggle room so she can get out of this debacle with her dignity intact.

Daphne Moon:
[takes Niles's hand] And what about Niles' dignity?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Well, Maris got that in the divorce. [laughing] Sorry, Niles.

[forced to make a toast at Niles and Mel's "wedding reception."]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Love... is an awesome force. It can make us do things we never imagined possible. For you see, we don't actually choose love, it chooses us. And once it has, we are powerless to do anything about it. Ladies and gentlemen, raise your glasses with me in toasting my brother, and the love of his life. For she is truly the woman of his dreams, and my father and I could not be more thrilled with his choice. To the happy couple!

Dr. Niles Crane:
So where you from?

Daphne Moon:
Manchester, England.

Dr. Niles Crane:
Oh, my. Big family?

Daphne Moon:
Hideously. And you?

Dr. Niles Crane:
I'm from a small mountain village in Tibet. [She laughs] Tenzing Norgay used to carry me to school.

[Frasier complains he does not like to hug]

Roz:
I read somewhere that if you have physical contact on a regular basis, it can actually extend your life.

Frasier:
Well in that case, you should outlive Styrofoam.

[the doorbell rings]

Frasier:
That'll be Niles. I'm taking him to lunch to get his mind off his troubles.

Daphne:
Is that something we shouldn't talk about?

Martin:
No, there's no reason why we shouldn't talk about it.

Frasier:
Dad, I'm sorry, I don't think he's ready to talk about it so we're not talking about it.

Niles:
[from behind the door] Would you mind not talking about it a little less loudly?

Daphne:
When will you just admit that this junk belongs in a dustbin?

Martin:
You know, I was on a case once where the wife constantly nagged the husband like this. "You never put anything in the garbage. Why don't you ever put anything in the garbage?"

Daphne:
Well, he should have listened to her.

Martin:
Oh, he did. And that's where we found her!

[Niles is covered in foam]

Daphne:
Dr. Crane! Are you all right?

Niles:
I'm fine. Just a little hot. And foamy.

Martin:
You know what must have happened? My "Hot & Foamy" must have exploded!

Daphne:
He was a detective, you know.

Frasier:
Now listen. I know you're upset, but let's remember why you left Maris in the first place: you were tired of groveling.

Niles:
Yes, but I'm rested now.

Niles:
You know, this is sort of exciting. Even as a child I always fancied I might make a first-rate society cat burglar. I think I'm right.

Frasier:
Yes. All it takes is stealth, cunning and a key to the door.

[Frasier and Niles are trapped in Maris's mansion by two attack dogs outside]

Niles:
One of our old dogs used to be spooked by thunderstorms. The vet told us half of one of Maris's green pills would allow him to sleep safely right through the storm. You get the meat, I'll get the pills.

Frasier:
Right...! Wait! What if Maris is out of pills?

[Niles bursts out laughing]

Frasier:
[chuckling] Oh, I see.

Niles:
Thank you, Frasier, I needed that.

Frasier:
Niles, this painting here in the living room, have you always had this?

Niles:
The one of Maris and me in the garden? Yes, we had it commissioned on our third anniversary.

Frasier:
No, no, it must be a different painting. This is Maris next to a really big tree.

Niles:
No, there's no tree in that painting, it's... Oh, my God. She's had me completely painted out! I don't think I can take much more of this.

Frasier:
In that case, I wouldn't look too closely at the face of that skunk in the flowerbed.

Niles:
Look around. This entire room is a monument to my spinelessness!

Frasier:
How so?

Niles:
This Dresden Shepherdess? A peace offering I made to Maris when I was foolish enough to point out an extra syllable in a Haiku she'd written. Choose another item. Anything.

Frasier:
Oh, that candelabra?

Niles:
Louis Quatorze! What better way to apologise for the time I attempted to grow a moustache?

Frasier:
I think you owe us all a candelabra for that.

Martin:
Now the beauty of the "Hot & Foamy" is the ultra-quick heating action. You just plug it in and two minutes later, presto, guess what comes out?

Daphne:
[sarcastic] Well, the obvious answer would be shaving cream, so I'll go with... music?

Martin:
You had a lot of sassy things to say about my clothes steamer, too. But didn't those snow peas taste delicious?

[Niles has signed Maris's divorce papers]

Martin:
Niles, I'm proud of you. I know this isn't easy, but in the long run I know you'll be happier. I'm damn sure I will be.

Niles:
I can't believe it. It's really over.

Frasier:
If you choose you never have to see Maris again.

Niles:
Oh, please. Half the time I couldn't see her when she was standing right in front of me.

[they laugh]

Frasier:
I do not have a fat face.

Niles:
Oh, please. I keep wondering how long you're going to store those nuts for winter.

Frasier:
Niles, I would shave my head for you.

Niles:
A gesture that grows less significant with each passing year.

[after a bitter argument with Niles]

Frasier:
Dad, the mark of a pure man is that one realizes he can't control his circumstances, he can only control his responses.

Martin:
Have you talked to your brother yet?

Frasier:
I do not have a brother! I'm an only child!

[Frasier is attempting to throttle Niles during a particularly out-of-control argument]

Niles:
My God, I'm having a flashback! You're climbing in my crib and jumping on me!

Frasier:
You stole my mommy!

Frasier, Niles:
[singing] ump-ta-da-da-da ump-ta-da-da-da... Some boys run off to college, but we think they're all wussies, cause they get all the knowledge, and we get all the umpta-da-da-da umpta-da-da-da...

Frasier:
Morning all!

Martin:
Morning.

Daphne Moon:
You seem cheerful this morning, Dr. Crane.

Frasier:
Why shouldn't I be? [Picks up a muffin and begins to take a bite]

Martin:
Well it's going to rain again, jobless rates are up and about two minutes ago Eddie was licking that muffin.

Frasier:
Oh, so that's what this little tantrum is all about? You're jealous of my celebrity?

Niles:
It's not a tantrum, and I'm not jealous. I'm just FED UP! I'm fed up with being second all the time. You know, I wanted to be a psychiatrist like Mom way before you did, but because you were older you got there first. You were first to get married. You were first to give Dad the grandchild he always wanted. By the time I get around to doing anything, it's all chewed meat!

Frasier:
You're crying about something that we can't change.

Niles:
Oh, you wouldn't change it if you could, you love it!

Frasier:
Oh, let it go, Niles!

Niles:
I can't let it go! My nose is rubbed in it every day! *I'm* the one on the board of the Psychiatric Association, *my* research is well-respected in academic circles, four of *my* patients have been elected to political office, but it's *your* big fat face they put on the side of buses!

Frasier:
[Frasier and Niles are wrestling on the hotel bed] Niles! Stop! We are psychiatrists - not pugilists! [Niles stops wrestling and stands up] I can't believe you fell for that! [Frasier tackles Niles, and they resume wrestling]

Niles:
Frasier, I've always dreamed of looking in the library card catalog and seeing my name under "Mental Illness."

Frasier:
I am not "of a certain age," Niles. I am smack dab in the middle of "not a kid any more." I won't be "of a certain age" for another ten years.

Frasier:
What esteemed medical journal did you find this little tidbit? "Cosmo"?

Roz:
No. "Glamour."

Frasier:
Oh, that's priceless. "I can't find the right shade of lipstick," "I look terrible in a bikini," "He can't find my G-spot."

Frasier:
I for one am... [spasm of pain] God Almighty!

Niles:
Well, no wonder you're stressed, you've got a whole universe to run.

Daphne Moon:
[Frasier is doped up on painkillers for his back and Daphne is giving him a massage] You took quite a few of those pills, didn't you? You know what's curious, though?

Frasier:
Cats!

Daphne Moon:
Yes. But I'm talking about our little mix-up. When I said to your father, "Dr. Crane's in love with me," he said it's been going on for six years now. What did he mean by that?

Frasier:
Oh that... he meant Niles!

Daphne Moon:
[completely stunned] What?

Frasier:
Niles... he's crazy about you!

Daphne Moon:
[still stunned] Dr. Crane? [to Frasier] Dr. Crane! [Frasier has fallen asleep]

Frasier:
[seeing that Eddie has buried his head under a pillow] You know, there are subtler ways of letting a patient know his hour is up!

[Frasier has fallen into his father's chair, delirious from taking medication for his back pain]

Niles:
Oh my God - did you fall?

Frasier:
No, I - you know I'm actually quite comfortable Niles! Look:

[Frasier motions towards television cabinet]

Frasier:
There's no glare on the television! And here's a lovely place to set your drink!

[Frasier places his hand limply on TV tray and looks up at Niles with wide eyes]

Niles:
Just give me your hand and whatever the chair is telling you, don't listen.

Frasier:
No, Niles, no! It's helping my back, actually. You know - and when you sit in it, you don't have to look at it!

[Daphne is giving Frasier a massage to sooth his back pain while discussing her moving out of Frasier's apartment]

Frasier:
You know what?

Daphne:
What's that Doctor Crane?

Frasier:
Dad's chair!

Daphne:
I'm not taking it with me if that's where you're headed!

Frasier:
It's so... comfortable!

Daphne:
You took quite a few of those pills didn't you? You know what's curious though?

Frasier:
Cats?

Daphne:
Yes [laughs] but I'm talking about our little mix up. When I said to your father "Doctor Crane's in love with me" he said it's been going on for six years now. What did he mean by that?

Frasier:
Oh that. He meant Niles!

Daphne:
What?

Frasier:
Niles. He's crazy about you.

[Frasier passes out]

Daphne:
Doctor Crane? Doctor Crane?

[Later, after Frasier has recovered]

Frasier:
Oh Daphne, by the way - thank you for the massage, I think it did just the trick!

Daphne:
Any time, Doctor Crane!

Frasier:
Listen, um... just before I drifted off I'm afraid I might have said something I wish I hadn't.

Daphne:
Yes?

Frasier:
It's about Dad's chair...

[Eddie the dog stares at Frasier]

Frasier:
What? Do you want to know what's bothering me too? Well, here's a start, I'm talking to a dog, that bothers me. I'm another year older today, I suppose that bothers me, but not as much as people seem to think. I'm still single, that's a big one. Not having a woman to share my life with. The only women in my life are friends; Roz and Daphne. Daphne's not even here anymore, she'll be married soon. That's going to be tough on Dad. Who am I kidding? It's going to be tough on me. It's been nice having her here. Even when my love life hasn't been going so well, I can always come home to a warm and considerate woman. You know, that's probably why I've been so brusque with her lately. I know that once she's gone, I'll probably be twice as lonely... Well, it's quite a realization isn't it?

[Eddie buries his head under the pillow]

Frasier:
You know, there are subtler ways to let the patient know his hour is up.

Daphne:
Roz, is everything all right?

Roz:
Yeah, I'm fine. It's just that my hair is huge and this dress is a joke.

Frasier:
No, nonsense, Roz. You look divine.

Roz:
No, I look like Divine.

[Daphne is contemplating what it would be like to have a free lifetime's supply of muffins]

Daphne:
Now me, I could eat a muffin a day, some days even two knowing they'd be free. So that'd be... ten a week, fifty-two weeks a year, for at least another... forty years, which works out to... Twenty thousand muffins! [pause] My life suddenly seems long, measured in muffins.

Daphne:
Working down at the docks has always been a tradition for us Moons. My father worked on the docks, and me grandfather before him. All my brothers do. Well, except for my brother Billy. He came home one day, and announced he hated the smell of fish and was going to teach ballroom dancing. And he did. And he does. He's my mum's favorite. Dad mostly flicks the crust off his kidney pie at him.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
"How am I doing?" How are you doing, Niles? Doesn't it bother you that your father cheated on my mother?

Dr. Niles Crane:
Frasier, your loyalties are seeping through, and I might point out that I got Mom's small features while you got Dad's chunky thighs.

Nikos:
Once again, he stopped me from making a terrible mistake. So everyone, please lift your glasses to my cousin, Frasier Crane!

Aunt Zora Crane:
Oh, I can do better than a glass!

[she grabs a bottle by the neck and smashes the end off]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
No! Aunt Zora, no! OUT OF MY WAY!

Dr. Frasier Crane:
So your heart should be brimming with motherly emotion!

Aunt Zora Crane:
When I find out who bent this skewer, I'm ramming it right in his eye!

Daphne Moon:
How much longer do we have stay?

Martin Crane:
What are you in such a snit about?

Daphne Moon:
This lot. Thanks to your sister-in-law, they're all sn*ggering about me being your "physical therapist."

Martin Crane:
Oh, don't let it bother you. She's always been a pain.

Daphne Moon:
You're telling me. Dried-up old grape leaf!

Martin Crane:
Yeah, and she's one to talk about reputations, too. Between you and me, before she married my brother, she was easier to make than a peanut butter sandwich.

Aunt Zora Crane:
Who is this pretty young thing?

Martin Crane:
Oh, this is Daphne Moon. She's my physical therapist.

Aunt Zora Crane:
Oh... that's what they call it these days? [slaps him playfully] You dirty old man!

[she moves off into the crowd, laughing, while Martin tries to calm Daphne]

Daphne Moon:
I've never been so insulted...!

Dr. Niles Crane:
It's a moot point. We're not invited, thanks to Frasier's more-than-usually inept advice.

Martin Crane:
Can you imagine what it's like to live in the same city as your brother and not see him for five years?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
No, but I'd like to give it a try.

[at the rehearsal dinner]

Dr. Niles Crane:
Well, I hope you enjoy yourself, Mr. Blessed-Are-The-Peacemakers!

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Will you stop complaining? The rehearsal went beautifully. Cousin Yvonne didn't get near you.

Dr. Niles Crane:
How could she? I spent half the time hiding in the confessional! By the way, Mrs. Pappas is having an affair.

[after Martin and Daphne have dissed Zora and Walt, Ed reveals that he hid his video camera nearby, pointing at them]

Ed:
I wanted to capture the whole family, naturally, just as they are.

Martin Crane:
Well... we were really boring! I mean, why don't you just rewind that a few minutes and then start over?

Ed:
Funny, Mrs. Pappas said the same thing.

Aunt Zora Crane:
You know, I am so glad you are coming to the wedding. There is nothing sadder than a divided family, am I right?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Quite right.

Dr. Niles Crane:
Absolutely, absolutely. When Frasier told me we weren't invited to the wedding, I was...

Cousin Yvonne:
There you are, Niles!

Dr. Niles Crane:
Just kill me now.

Lorna:
I had a wonderful time last night.

Frasier:
Me too. It's like being back in high school, but with sex.

[cooking with Daphne]

Niles:
Whisk. [she hands it to him, he whisks] Spoon.

[she hands it to him, he stirs] Cheese cloth. [she wipes his brow; the oven pings] Perfect timing. Daphne, open the oven. [he places it in the oven] Ready.

Daphne:
Shall I close, Dr. Crane?

Niles:
Please.

Daphne:
Do you think it'll be all right?

Niles:
It's out of our hands now, Daphne.

Daphne:
I haven't had this much fun in the kitchen since your brother caught his tie in the pasta machine.

Lorna:
You know, I thought you'd be a nice rebound fling, get my feet wet dating again, you don't want that, that's fine. But I'll tell you what we are going to do: you're going to take my arm, you're going to escort me in that room, we're going to dance, make out like freshmen and leave with your hand on my ass, you got it?

Frasier:
Shall we?

Frasier:
The Opera Guild is having its annual football tournament. Yes, I'm the quarterback.

Frasier:
Hello, Niles. How are you?

Niles:
Fine. Although the oddest thing just happened.

Frasier:
Oh, that man on the corner's name is Pete. If you give him a dollar his monkey won't make those rude gestures.

Niles:
No, this is about Daphne. I burned my hand while I was cooking and she began putting first aid cream on it and in a very tender way and then, em, dad came in and she jumped as if she felt guilty. Is it possible Daphne has feelings for me?

Frasier:
No.

Niles:
Ah well, as long as you've considered it from all angles!

Frasier:
If she was tender it was because you burnt your hand, if she jumped it was because dad startled her. Come on, Niles, can't you see what's really going on here?

Niles:
Well, obviously I haven't a clue. I thought that man's monkey was waving hello.

[after Frasier accidentally destroyed Martin's armchair, Martin enters the caf? where Frasier and Niles are talking]

Dr. Niles Crane:
Hey, Dad. Um, taking Eddie for a walk?

Martin:
Yeah, I was afraid if I left him home, Frasier would set him on fire and throw him off the balcony.

[later, Martin comes back]

Martin:
Well, I've got my coffee. Black, nothing fancy, but if you don't like it, you're welcome to set it on fire and throw it off the balcony.

Martin Crane:
Give me a top hat and cane, and I'm Fred Astaire.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Add a monocle, and he's Mr. Peanut.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[after Mimi screams at Jack-in-the-Box opening] Much better. You're still in the room, and you didn't throw up.

Dr. Niles Crane:
[doorbell rings] That'll be Daphne.

Martin Crane:
She's not cooking, is she? I just got out of the hospital!

Dr. Niles Crane:
[looking at Frasier in his clown costume] Look at you. You just stand there with a smile on your face.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
That's make-up, you idiot!

Frasier:
You know that Maris loves you, right? But it's still nice to hear it.

Niles:
I imagine it would be, but let's stick to attainable goals.

Frasier:
So you're suggesting that I go along, pretend I'm enjoying myself doing something that gives me absolutely no pleasure at all, just to hear the words "I love you"?

Daphne Moon:
Why not? Women have been doing it for centuries.

Niles:
Call me Ishmael.

Frasier:
Niles, do you mind if I ask you a personal question? What the hell are you doing here?

Niles:
What do you mean?

Frasier:
You know, this whole "Sergeant Niles of the Yukon" act. I mean, come on, it can't be all to impress Daphne.

Niles:
It's not an act!

Frasier:
Niles, in twenty years, I've never heard you comment on fish except to say that the sauce had separated.

Martin Crane:
Frasier... I love you. Niles... I love you.

Frasier:
Thanks, Dad. I love you, too.

Niles:
And I love you, too.

[silence]

Niles:
But I *hate* ice fishing!

Martin Crane:
Well, it's the last time you'll have to come out and do that.

Niles:
Oh, in that case I *really* love you!

Frasier:
[seeing Niles in his ice fishing getup] You look like a skinny Elmer Fudd.

Niles:
That was amazing! I've never felt so in touch with nature.

Martin Crane:
What happened?

Niles:
For the first time in my life, I just urinated outdoors! Another cup of coffee, I'll go back and dot the "i".

Daphne Moon:
Don't you ever clean that thing out?

Martin Crane:
No, it's bad luck. Everybody knows that. You show up on a fishing trip with a tackle box that doesn't smell like the most rancid, rotten thing on the face of the earth, then nobody will sit by you.

Frasier:
[entering the apartment with Niles] Yes, Niles, I used to have the same problem with my multiple personality patients. They always kept saying that the other one had sent the check.

Niles:
[sniffing] What an odd combination of odors. It smells like a fish died and all the other fish sent flowers.

Niles:
I can't figure it out. How could a fish be so dumb as to put his mouth around...

[Niles sticks a finger into Martin's tackle box]

Niles:
Ow!

Dr. Niles Crane:
If, uh, if anyone needs me, I'll be sleeping at the hospital tonight.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Why?

Dr. Niles Crane:
Uh, Maris' doctor feels it's more soothing for the patient to duplicate the home environment as closely as possible, so I slipped a pearl-handled revolver under her pillow and got myself a room across the hall.

Niles:
I'll dispense with the usual adolescent teasing and come straight to the point: who was that babe-o-rama?

Frasier:
Niles, please don't try to be hip. You remind me of Bob Hope when he dresses up as the Fonz.

Marco:
I guess I'm just waiting until somebody better comes along.

Frasier:
Until somebody better comes along? Marco! Marco! Marco! Do you hear yourself?

Marco:
No, I turned my radio down after you blasted that other guy.

Catherine:
Are you saying that the thought of making love to me makes you sick to your stomach?

Frasier:
Yes, but don't take it personally.

Frasier:
How I envy you, Eddie. The biggest questions in your life are, "Who's going to walk me? Who's going to feed me?" I won't know that kind of joy for another forty years.

[Frasier is appalled at his caller, Marco, saying he doesn't want to commit to his girlfriend "in case somebody better comes along."]

Frasier:
Tell me listeners, what is it with guys like that? Hey Roz, you've been around the block a few times. You ever run into a guy like Marco?

Roz Doyle:
Oh, they're all Marcos. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a Marco.

Frasier:
Come on. I mean, if that were so, then no-one would be having a relationship.

Roz Doyle:
Well, I'm not. My sister's not. None of my friends are. I've seen the future, and its name is Marco.

[Though it's October 21st, Martin and Daphne decorate the apartment for Christmas, to take the picture for their cards]

Daphne Moon:
[looking at the tree] Oh, it's lovely.

Daphne Moon, Martin Crane:
[singing] Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...!

[Frasier comes in from his nap]

Frasier:
Excuse me, excuse me... exactly how long have I been asleep?

[Niles watches Martin working out a chess problem]

Niles:
Uh-uh.

[Martin reaches for another piece] Mmm-mmm.

Martin:
All right, what would you do?

Niles:
Well, for starters, I'd take that corn-nut off the board.

Martin:
That corn-nut's my bishop. Eddie ate the real one.

Niles:
In that case, Corn-nut to Rook Seven.

Niles:
She's been afraid to fly since her harrowing incident.

Daphne:
Oh dear... Did a plane almost crash?

Niles:
No, she was bumped from first class. She still wakes up screaming.

[Frasier's re-married ex-wife comes to town]

Frasier:
My problem now is that she's invited me to her dressing room for an... apr?s-show tryst.

Niles:
You're not going?

Frasier:
Well...

Niles:
Frasier!

Frasier:
Niles, if you had any idea how much pain she's in. The woman is reaching out to me to rescue her from a loveless marriage, from - from a career she feels trapped in. If I could help her make a new beginning, wouldn't it be heartless of me to deny myself to her?

Niles:
...Did you say something? Your penis was talking so loud I couldn't hear.

Niles:
Will you listen to yourself?

Frasier:
Oh, this is more than just sex, Niles. This is passion, kismet. A gift the gods bestow on only a chosen few. Wouldn't the real sin be to refuse it?

Niles:
Isn't that your old second-piece-of-pie argument?

Frasier:
Well, maybe it is, but I haven't had "pie" in six months.

Nanny G:
Frasier, if you knew how bored I am, being "Nanny Gee." How trapped I feel...

Frasier:
You have a wonderful career.

Nanny G:
But nothing ever changes! Do you have any idea what it's like to play the same character for twenty years?

Frasier:
She hit on me in the children's bookstore. Where I bought her CD. Trust me, the woman is a sexual volcano just waiting to erupt!

Niles:
Judging from some of these song titles, you may be right. "Nanny's Messy Bed" "I Feel Something Great Inside Me" "Bannisters are Fun."

Roz:
So what was it like being married to Nanny Gee?

Frasier:
Oh, gosh... we were so young and immature. We had huge fights over nothing. But in the bedroom...

Roz:
Frasier!

Roz:
Sorry.

Roz:
So, uh, Nanny Gee gave you nice "hugs"?

Frasier:
Oh, big hugs.

Roz:
No kidding.

Frasier:
We used to hug our brains out. In fact, you know, the last time we saw each other she wanted to have a little reunion hug, but alas, I was still married to Lilith and settling for my weekly handshake.

Frasier:
Nanette!

Nanny G:
God, I could throw you down on this floor right now and...

[sees the rest]

Nanny G:
Hi!

Frasier:
Here, let me take your wrap...

Daphne:
[aside to Martin] Isn't she the children's entertainer?

Martin:
Yeah, SpongeBob Hotpants.

[Niles enters the cafe with a shopping bag]

Frasier:
The Gap, Niles? I didn't know you shopped there.

Niles:
I just discovered it! Apparently, there are a number of them.

Frasier:
[suspicious] And what did you buy there?

Niles:
Oh, well, let's see... some wine glasses, and a bud vase...

Frasier:
That's Pottery Barn, you jackass! Give me that!

Carla:
Frasier, we were so close and then you had to show up and ruin everything.

[speeches at Cliff's retirement party]

Carla:
I'd like to say that I'll miss you... but it sticks in my throat like your rotten deviled eggs. I hate your guts! The way you talk and talk and talk about nothing. The way you walk, your stupid white socks...

Frasier:
Carla!

Carla:
Back off, I'm toasting! The 20 years I have known you would have been less painful if I were covered with open sores and thrown into a pit with a bunch of diseased rats! But now, finally you're leaving! I know I am not as young as I used to be, but I can live again! I can live again! Finally, I can live!

[she laughs maniacally, then subsides as she notices everyone staring at her]

Carla:
Anyway, God bless.

Cliff Clavin:
You were always there for me, Al.

Phil:
I'm Phil. Al's been dead for fourteen years, ya dumb son of a b*tch!

[on Cliff Clavin's theories]

Niles:
If I hear one more of that postman's crackpot theories my head will explode.

Frasier:
Don't worry, Niles, no one takes him seriously.

Daphne:
I never knew how many letters there were in the dolphin alphabet.

Cliff Clavin:
So whats goin down, Norm?

Norm Peterson:
My blood alcohol level.

Martin Crane:
That's quite a mug callus you have there.

Norm Peterson:
Judging from your grip, I'd say you were a can man.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Daphne, I would rather have a tarantula lay eggs in my ear than listen to any more of this puppet show.

[after Niles introduces his dog, clearly a canine substitute for Maris]

Daphne Moon:
Am I the only one?

Dr. Frasier Crane, Martin Crane:
No.

Daphne Moon:
Does Dr. Crane have any idea...?

Dr. Frasier Crane, Martin Crane:
No.

Dr. Niles Crane:
There's a saying: "In every boy's life, the moment of greatest joy and greatest sorrow is when he defeats his father for the first time."

Dr. Frasier Crane:
If you're suggesting that I'm afraid to beat Dad, you can just stop right there.

Dr. Niles Crane:
O.K. The other option is, he's better than you.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
You were saying?

Dr. Niles Crane:
Sooner or later, the son eclipses the father. It's the natural order. Yet it's frequently a stumbling block because the son's competitive stirrings are accompanied by tremendous feelings of guilt.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Daphne... you can't go. You have to stay. I've only just recently realised how important you are to us. You see, if you go, Dad and I will kill each other. I'm not just tossing out hyperbole here, I'm speaking in the most literal sense: Dad and I, both dead. Only he'll be lying there with a bacteria-ridden sponge protruding from his mouth like a bloated tongue!

Martin:
I just spent five minutes trying to button these pants. That stupid dryer shrunk another pair on me!

Frasier:
Dad, before you blame the dryer, have you ever considered stepping on el bathroom scale?

Martin:
What's the point? That thing's been ten pounds off for weeks.

Frasier:
I was going to ask Daphne not to sleep with Joe in the house. Is that too...

Roz:
Amish?

Frasier:
I was going to say selfish.

Roz:
Oh, let's see. "Please Daphne don't have sex. It disturbs my reading." No, that's not too selfish!

Daphne:
That works out fine for me! I'll just spend all day waiting on you and your father, and then in the evenings retire to me room, wrap meself in me afgan and wait for morning. And if my whimpering gets too loud for you, you can just have me fixed like Eddie.

Frasier:
What was it like in the old days, when you actually had to get up to change the channel?

Martin:
It was hell.

Frasier:
I'm getting an estimate on restoring my study.

Martin:
Why didn't you use Joe?

Frasier:
I think Joe's done enough work in that room.

Martin:
Boy, what a tortured little world you live in! Newspapers strewn all over the place! Sponge germs coming after you! It's a wonder you can sleep at night!

[Niles is obsessing about not being invited to any more society functions]

Dr. Niles Crane:
Oh wait, wait. I know what happened. My invitation just got lost in the mail... No, it's not so far fetched. It could have been mis-sorted, or a stamp could have fallen off, or it could have been stolen by my mail carrier. Ho-downs are catnip to postal workers!

[Roz enters in time to catch the last sentence]

Roz:
Well, I'd ask you to explain that, but then... you would.

[while looking at some old family photos]

Daphne Crane:
Why are you all hunched over in this one?

Dr. Niles Crane:
Uh...

Daphne Crane:
You were looking at my bum, weren't you?

Dr. Niles Crane:
Oh, heavens, no!

Daphne Crane:
Oh, it's all right, Niles, we're married now.

Dr. Niles Crane:
All right, yes. I might, once, in a moment of weakness have permitted myself a fleeting glance.

[She hands him another photo]

Dr. Niles Crane:
Or twice.

[Another photo]

Dr. Niles Crane:
Many, many times.

Daphne Crane:
It's all about the rear with you, isn't it?

Dr. Niles Crane:
Oh, no, darling...

Daphne Crane:
No, seriously.

[turns around]

Daphne Crane:
What color are my eyes?

Dr. Niles Crane:
Um...

Daphne Crane:
You're looking at it again, aren't you?

Harlow Stafford:
Diabetes! We'll donate the money to diabetes! Those poor people can't eat sugar!

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Niles, you made a hasty judgment and I am sorry, but you were wrong.

Dr. Niles Crane:
Ah, now we see why you got involved in the case - so big brother could be right and little Niles could be wrong, which I'm not!

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Oh, your pathetic childhood issues have nothing to do with it. [childishly] Face it, you were wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong!

Dr. Niles Crane:
[childishly] Oh, oh, oh-!

Martin Crane:
Why are you walking funny?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Well, suffice it to say, today I learned it is unwise to slide repeatedly down a fire pole wearing woolen trousers.

Lana Gardner:
[Frasier takes a drag from her cigarette] I didn't know you smoked.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
I don't. The way you're driving, I'm not going to die from natural causes anyway.

Martin Crane:
I just want to say that I'm not the only fisherman in the family. In fact, I'm not even the best one. One year ago, after seven years of trying to get her to bite, Niles finally hooked Daphne. And I think we'd all agree that she's quite a catch.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
What did you do?

Frederick Gaylord Crane:
We played frisbee. It sucked with all those trees.

Daphne:
Dr. Crane, I know what you're going to do!

Niles:
You do?

Daphne:
Not you, Dr. Crane, Dr. Crane! And you can't fire me, because I quit!

Frasier:
What?

Daphne:
After all I've done to save you money! I'm washing my face with dish soap while you're out buying imported bath salts like a big rich girl! I hope you rot in debtors' prison!

Roz:
How's your new girlfriend?

Frasier:
I allowed her to climb to the first base camp on Mount Crane and I believe she's feeling the effects of the altitude.

Roz:
Is one of them nausea? Cause I'm getting that right now.

[on the Fourth of July, Frasier looks at his balcony rail]

Frasier:
Wait a minute. Is my bunting a-droop? It's supposed to drape evenly. Oh, for God's sakes.

Daphne:
You're not going to send me back to the Space Needle with binoculars and a walkie-talkie again, are you?

Frasier:
Niles, will you please stop being so morose? It is Thanksgiving.

Niles:
Oh, you're right! I should count my blessings: I'm in the midst of a bitter divorce. Maris is freezing my assets, forcing me to live in the Shangri-La, which is the devil's own apartment complex. Where, last night, they turned off my heat, re-freezing my assets.

[Locked out on Frasier's balcony before a Fourth of July parade]

Roz:
This sucks, I don't even have my cell phone. Don't you have your cell phone, Frasier?

Frasier:
Roz, I'm Uncle Sam, I don't have a cell phone. I shouldn't even have this zipper.

Frasier:
[referring to Niles's sex life] You know the "S.S. Ain't Gettin' Any"? Man overboard!

Frasier:
All I said to Maris was, "Why the long face?"

Niles:
Yes, and now, thanks to you, she's on the phone to her chin grinder in Zurich.

Daphne:
[Speaking about sex with Niles]... and just when I thought I'd worn him out, he flips me over like a griddle cake and we were off again! I tell you he's spoiled me for any other man.

Roz:
Niles? Frasier's brother Niles?

Sherry:
I just love making people laugh. I think humor is like medicine.

Niles:
[aside] Oh, we must be in the placebo group.

Daphne Moon:
[to Sherry] You know, I keep meaning to ask, what's that lovely perfume you're wearing?

Frasier:
Yes, I've been wondering that myself.

Sherry:
It's called Milady's Boudoir. You wouldn't believe what a bargain it is. For a hundred bucks, I can buy enough to drown myself in.

Niles:
[to Frasier] I've got 60.

Frasier:
Yeah.

Frasier:
You old fraud!

Martin Crane:
What?

Frasier:
You made her think she'd broken your heart.

Martin Crane:
Well, of course I did. If a woman breaks up with you, you have to act sad. It's only polite.

Frasier:
Polite? My God, Dad, guilt is a very destructive emotion...

Martin Crane:
Ah, spare me the Ivy League bull. There ain't a dame alive who wouldn't rather break a guy's heart than think she hadn't even made a dent in it. I may not have been to Harvard, but I have been to the College of Love.

Frasier:
Apparently on a Spillane Fellowship!

Sherry:
My mom always used to say to me, "Honey, the only way to get over someone is to get under someone."

[on Sherry]

Frasier:
Dad has to be politely told that even though he may enjoy her company he has no right to... what's the polite word for "inflict"?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
As usual, Frasier has to save the day.

Martin Crane:
As usual, Martin has to hear about it.

Daphne:
Sex. That's your answer for everything. It's like you're part rabbit. People ought to rub your feet for luck.

Daphne:
You've had your big conk in my business all day!

Sherry:
That better mean "nose"!

Daphne:
And what if it doesn't?

Daphne:
Can't imagine what you must be thinking. Me barging in asking to stay the night...

Niles:
Well, gee, I'm just thinking so many things.

Daphne:
[about Sherry] She says I'm too rigid.

Niles:
Nonsense!

Daphne:
And that I'm too picky.

Niles:
Poppycock!

Daphne:
And that I'd be much happier if I just went out and had sex with someone.

Niles:
[after a pause] Just to play devil's advocate...

Daphne:
I mean I have been keeping myself on the shelf lately. I'm feeling a little like the good china.

Niles:
Someone should be eating off you every day.

Daphne:
Well I'm sure there are other intimacies you miss.

Niles:
Well, actually I still have a longing for... I still have a desire for... er... Fruit?

Daphne:
Sex!

Niles:
Er, yes, sex.

Daphne:
I'd love some. I mean fruit, although sex is good too.

Daphne:
The two of us and just one fan. Well, of course, you're the host, you take it.

Niles:
No, I couldn't sleep at all knowing you were in the next room hot and... hot.

Daphne:
Well, I suppose under the circumstances we could both sleep in the same room.

Niles:
It does oscillate.

Frasier:
You're a doctor, why didn't you just use your prescription pad?

Niles:
[realizing] Oh, my god!

Frasier:
Isn't there an all-night pharmacy across the street from your building?

Niles:
Oh my god!

Frasier:
Bup! I don't care who did what to whom or in what disgusting manner. As we speak, hordes of viral Visigoths are hurling themselves over the battlements of my immune system, laying waste to my... Oh, dear God, you see how weak I am? I can't even finish a simple Visigoth metaphor.

[Niles has finally made love to Daphne]

Niles:
You know the best part, Frasier? It wasn't at all like I had imagined.

Niles:
You think I'm pretentious?

Daphne:
You'd eat a worm if I gave it a French name.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Dad, uh, what do you say we head out to dinner over at the steak house?

Martin Crane:
The steak house! Really?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
What the Hell. The blood's just been flying through my arteries lately.

Niles:
Help me understand. Why is everyone acting like I've done something wrong? The only thing I am guilty of is loving Daphne, and that's all I've ever done.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Yes, and how did you love her? From afar. You were never in love *with* her, you were in love *at* her. Now, you've been given a chance to experience her in a real relationship and yet for some reason, you're resisting it. Rather than see her as she really is, you keep holding on to the memory.

Niles:
No, that's not true.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Niles, the woman gained sixty pounds! And everyone in the world saw it but you. All you ever saw was a perfect woman in a red dress.

[long pause]

Niles:
Okay. If you're right, and that's a big "if", why would I do that?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Maybe Daphne's not the only one who's afraid she won't measure up. Maybe you're afraid too. After all, if it turns out she's not perfect, then there's a chance things won't work out. Then not only will you lose Daphne, but you'll have wasted the last seven years of your life chasing an illusion.

[Roz is thinking of writing a children's book]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Good for you, Roz! You know, I dabbled in juvenile fiction myself. Yes, Niles and I, when we were boys, wrote a series of stories together in which we were the heroes. Along the lines of a Hardy Boys or a Nancy Drew.

Roz Doyle:
The Nancy Boys?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[giving her a hooded look] *No.*

Martin:
Aw geez, the disposal's jammed. Yeah, stick your hand down there and see what's stuck, will ya?

Niles:
Dad, it's me. Niles.

Martin:
I can't get my hand in there.

Niles:
Oh, all right, punish a man for being fine-boned. Are you sure it's off?

Martin:
Positive. [reaches towards the switch to demonstrate]

Niles:
Ah-ah-ah! Move-away-from-the-switch!

Martin:
Jeez. [does so]

Niles:
[sticking his hand in] Oh-ho, it's wet and slimy and God knows what, it's like sticking my hand into the mouth of hell...

[Frasier starts the coffee grinder, creating a high-pitched buzzing noise]

Niles:
YAAH!

[Niles's hand shoots out of the garbage disposal and he falls back, knocking over Frasier's silver coffee service and falling onto the floor]

Niles:
It wasn't as bad as all that. It's not like you saw her naked or something. [No answer from Frasier] YOU DID!

Niles:
[Frasier has seen Daphne naked] Frasier I want to help you with this, so you have to tell me everything, every sight, every sound, unburden yourself before you explode!

Frasier:
No!

Niles:
[getting out a pencil and paper] All right, I'll show you how I've always imagined her and you tell me where I'm wrong.

Niles:
Dad, I have never seen Maris this angry. I swear, her eye was twitching like a frog in a science experiment.

Martin:
Well, when your mother'd get mad at me, I'd just grab her, bend her backwards, and give her a kiss that made her glad she was a woman!

Niles:
I can't do that with Maris; she has an abnormally rigid vertebrae; she'd snap like a twig!

Frasier:
Let me guess: Maris has moved into the east wing again?

Niles:
Sunday was her 40th birthday. She said in no uncertain terms she wanted no acknowledgement of it whatsoever, and, in a moment I live over and over in my dreams, I believed her.

Frasier:
What - no gifts? No party? No nothing?

Niles:
Say that weeping into an ermine lap robe and you've got her down perfectly.

Martin:
Why don't you just get her a nice bottle of perfume?

Niles:
She gets hives.

Martin:
How about candy?

Niles:
Hypoglycaemic.

Martin:
Just get her a dozen roses.

Niles:
Allergic.

Frasier:
Well listen Niles, why don't you just sit her down and have a little talk with her; tell it was a mistake. We all know she's a bit touchy about her age, even though it's not the first time she's turned forty.

[Daphne is mad at Frasier after he wandered into her bedroom without permission]

Frasier:
She goes into my bedroom all the time and it doesn't bother me.

Martin:
Women are different.

Frasier:
Dad, that is sexism talking.

Martin:
No, that's 35 years of marriage talking. Women protect their privacy. You know how they are about their handbags, you never go in there! It's always "bring me my purse." A husband could say "honey, I'm being robbed! The guy's holding a gun to my head, and I don't have any money!" The wife'd say, "bring me my purse."

Niles:
I know! I'll throw a great big party for her this weekend! It'll be a costume ball, with a Louis Quatorze theme, right down to the powdered wigs and the crushed velvet pantaloons! May I presume you're both coming down with colds?

[Martin and Frasier both cough loudly]

Niles:
And so it goes.

Frasier:
Coffee, Dad?

Martin:
Why not? I'm up six times a night anyway, I might as well be alert!

Frasier:
Maris was upset with Niles so he bought her a Mercedes.

Roz:
Woof!

Frasier:
And if you're suggesting that I buy my way out of my problem, the answer is no! It's the coward's way out!

Niles:
Oh, so I'm a coward?

Frasier:
Yes!

Niles:
Well, I'm a coward with a hickey!

Roz:
Buy me a Mercedes and I'll make your neck look like a relief map of the Andes.

[Roz sits at Frasier and Niles's table]

Roz:
So, Niles, you randy dog, you got lucky last night, didn't you?

[Niles reacts]

Roz:
I can always tell.

[looks at Frasier]

Roz:
Oh, don't worry, you'll meet somebody.

Niles:
[on the phone] Nadia, you tell Mrs. Crane that I want to speak with her, and don't take no for an answer!

[pause]

Niles:
Well then, Nadia, you tell her that Dr. Crane says... [ducks his head down and lowers his voice] Please please please please please please!

Simon Moon:
And this here is Paris.

Martin Crane:
Paris? Does that make you French?

Paris:
No, but a couple of beers might.

[having gone out of his way to cheer everyone up on his father's birthday, everyone is abandoning Frasier's planned celebration to join a party downstairs]

Frasier:
No, no thank you. I'm not really in the mood any more.

Daphne:
Oh, don't be a party pooper.

Martin:
Ah, leave him. He's always been this way.

Frasier:
Excuse me! Just-just a second! I think it's time we learnt what it is to walk in the shoes of this particular party pooper. I spend the damn week administering to the troubled and the neurotic and the just plain goofy, and then I hang up my earphones and it doesn't end there! Out on the street, in the cafe, even in this building. More people. More problems. I suppose they think it's okay, it's what I do. But every time I try to help them it costs me a little piece of myself. A little bit here, a little bit there, a little bit here, a little bit there... until I end up feeling like a zebra carcass on the Serengeti surrounded by burping vultures! Well, this happened to be one of those weeks. I had my escape planned. I was going to come home for an evening of fun with my extended family. What do I get? I get the four of you going at each other like the Borgias on a bad day! So I roll up my sleeves, and I tend to each one of you. And you all feel better. And the minute you get a whiff of mesquite coming from down below, you are out the door! Without so much as a 'thank you'! Well, thank you for the invitation, but I am, frankly, fed up with people and their problems. The doctor is out.

[playing a game called "I'm the Dullest Person"]

Frasier:
If I was going to go I would say, "I am the dullest person because I have never been on a rollercoaster." All right? And then all of you that have been on a rollercoaster would give me a penny. Now we all have our pennies. Who would like to go first? Daphne?

Daphne:
I can't think of anything.

Frasier:
Of course you can. Just say the first thing that comes into your mind. I'm the dullest person because...

Daphne:
Oh, I don't know. Because I've never made love in a lift or a phone booth or on an aeroplane or a merry-go-round.

Frasier:
Okay, that's good, but strategically speaking that's not the best way to get our pennies. You see, it should be something that someone else might have actually...

[Roz throws in a penny]

Frasier:
...done.

[Roz throws in three more pennies while everyone else stares at her]

Roz:
I was in college, I was trying to find myself!

Niles:
All you needed to do was look under the nearest man.

[after arguing about doing Martin's exercises for the umpteenth time]

Martin:
Just decided what I want for my birthday: fire Daphne!

Daphne:
You'd have to re-hire me first, because I quit! I hope I never see this place or that hateful old canker sore ever again.

Niles:
You unprincipled charlatan! You unconscionable fraud! If this were another era, I'd horsewhip you!

Frasier:
Niles, what are you talking about?

Niles:
You spoke to a patient of mine today, Caroline. As a result of your fast-food approach to psychiatry, she left me!

Frasier:
Caroline was your patient?

Niles:
Two years of my hard work wiped out by one of your two-minute McSessions.

Roz:
The blackout hit just as the elevator doors opened on the fourteenth floor. So I stood in the hallway trying to decide whether to come back in here with you guys or take my chances on the pitch-black streets with the muggers and the weirdos. So I went down a couple of flights, and then I changed my mind. Meanwhile someone's probably looting my apartment!

Niles:
Yes, I hear there's a thriving black market in badly-designed Formica coffee tables.

Roz:
At least I have my own sense of style. You won't even buy a chair unless some fey French aristocrat has sat his fat satin fanny in it!

Niles:
Louis the Fourteenth was not fey! Everyone wore garters in the eighteenth century!

[during a blackout]

Frasier:
Now we can all sit here in the dark and be miserable or we can try to have some fun.

Niles:
I'm going to call Maris.

Frasier:
Well, Niles has voted. Who votes for fun?

Niles:
Well, this blackout could go on all night. It's time I braved the dark streets and got back to my Maris. I just hope it isn't like the lightning storm last month. The only way I could coax her out from under the bed was by tying a Prozac to the end of a string!

Roz:
I mean, how long can I go on chasing these hunky twenty-five year-olds that are all looks and no substance?

Frasier:
Exactly, Roz.

Roz:
No, I'm serious. I'm asking, how long? Three, four years?

[after exiting the apartment during a blackout, Niles bursts back in, gasping for breath]

Niles:
Nineteen floors down to my car! Garage door's electric! Can't open! Twenty floors back up! Lost count! Bad lady upstairs! Big dog! Need place to die!

[Frasier attends a Shiva, and is confused by the black drapes on the mirrors]

Aunt Bobbie:
We always cover mirrors at a Shiva, so those grieving don't have to be concerned with their own appearances.

Frasier:
Ah. Oh well, you look very nice.

Aunt Bobbie:
Oh, thank you. It's been driving me crazy!

Martin:
I remember when I took you for your first tetanus shot, you were about five or six.

Frasier:
Oh boy, was I scared. I remember you holding my hand.

Martin:
Yeah. Bent over that table, dropped your little drawers. When the nurse gave you the shot, you took your mind off it by reciting the names of all of Puccini's operas. Right then I knew you'd never be a cop.

Daphne:
We women have been poked and prodded my male doctors for centuries. I say it's high time you gents went to see a doctor of the opposite sex. See how you like waiting in that room, sitting there all naked and helpless and goosebumpy.

Frasier:
Niles, surely you could recommend someone? Niles!

Niles:
I'm sorry, my mind was somewhere else.

Daphne:
It won't be so bad. Well, unless you have to parade around the office in one of those gown where your little bum peeks through the back.

Frasier:
So Niles, what's Dr Newman's number? Niles. Niles

Niles:
I'm sorry, I must have drifted off again.

Frasier:
Why is it that every time we try to have a serious discussion, we end up talking about your sex life?

Roz Doyle:
Because I have one.

Niles:
I was in the middle of my workout, but, I can always pump iron later.

Daphne:
Well, I'll just pop into the kitchen and fix us a snack.

[she exits]

Frasier:
Pump iron? Niles, you don't even pump your own gas.

Martin:
Look son, let me tell you something. There was this time, a while back, seven or eight of us were on this drug bust. We get the order to go through the front door, and the first guy took one. He was dead before he hit the ground. When you're a cop, you've got to be able to handle things like that, but I... I just couldn't get over it. Every time I had to go in a blind alley, or in a dark building, I just froze. And I knew if I kept being afraid to die, I'd never be able to do my job.

Frasier:
So what did you do?

Martin:
I just forced myself to forget about it.

Frasier:
Just like that?

Martin:
Just like that. Next time I came across one of those doors, I went right through it... The fact that I got shot in the hip was purely coincidental.

Frasier:
You were this close to helping me there, Dad.

Martin:
This is crazy. I'm not going to start putting my name on your stuff.

Frasier:
Dad, what happens if I die tomorrow, you and Niles end up in an argument about... well, that African mask, for instance?

Martin:
It'll never happen. Niles, you can have it.

Niles:
I don't want it.

Daphne:
Well, don't look at me. I throw a towel over that thing when you're not home.

Niles:
Oh, I know who you should see. Dr. Gary Numan - his office is in my building. He has a very successful practice. I saw a Lichtenstein hanging in his office.

Frasier:
Oh, a Lichtenstein! Sounds perfect!

Allen Freedman:
The family are sitting Shiva.

Frasier:
Excuse me?

Allen Freedman:
You're not Jewish, are you?

Aunt Bobbie:
May I help you?

Frasier:
I didn't realize this was a mirror, I thought that maybe you were having an unveiling later.

Aunt Bobbie:
You're not Jewish, are you?

[about the deceased doctor]

Aunt Bobbie:
He didn't smoke, never touched caffeine...

Allen Freedman:
Did you know he had less than 10 percent body fat on him?

Frasier:
My goodness. Has anybody checked to see if he's really dead? [no one laughs]

Mrs. Newman:
Dr. Crane? I listen to you all the time, and uh - well, maybe you can help me? What would you tell someone who called into the show and said they can't get over why someone died? I keep running this over and over in my mind and... I just can't understand how someone like Gary, who did everything right, can just die. I can't make any sense of it.

Frasier:
Mrs. Newman, I... I know you'd like me to come up with some grand answer to this whole thing. But I, I don't have one. There are none. Someone who consumes nothing but cigarettes and cheeseburgers all his life can live to be eighty-three, and someone who takes care of himself can die at forty-one. It's unfair. Believe me, there's no explanation for it. Believe me, I've checked. But, I suppose the best we can do is live for the little joys and surprises life affords us. You can't spend your life being obsessed with death.

Mrs. Newman:
You're not Jewish, are you?

Aunt Bobbie:
You're not Jewish, are you?

Frasier:
No, no, uh, my, my ex-wife is, though, and, uh, so thus my son is, which makes me sort of, well, I guess, uh, you could say no I'm not Jewish.

Roz:
When I die, I want it to be on my 100th birthday, in my beach house on Maui and I want my husband to be so upset that he has to drop out of college.

Niles:
I've always liked the notion of meeting the great figures of history. But then I think, what if it's like high school and all the really cool dead people don't want to hang out with me?

[talking about death]

Martin:
You think about that too? I thought it was just me.

Frasier:
Everybody thinks about it.

Martin:
Do you lie real still and hold your breath and pretend you're in the ground?

Frasier:
No, that's just you.

Roz:
Would you date a gynecologist?

Daphne:
Oh God no. I wouldn't even date a dentist - hands in people's mouths all day - and after watching Eddie's complete physical, I'm not eager to date a vet anytime soon either.

Daphne:
The biggest thing in my life is that I got all my hair cut off months ago and no one's even mentioned it.

Frasier:
[a doggie shrink has come to examine depressed Eddie] I don't whether my father told you, but my brother and I happen to be psychiatrists.

Dr. Arnold Shaw:
Oh, how nice, I always enjoy being in company of colleages.

Niles:
I'm sorry, did you say 'colleages' or 'Collies?' [Niles and Frasier laugh]

Dr. Arnold Shaw:
[gives them a snide look] Very clever, very clever. So, shall we begin? [to Eddie] Hello, Eddie, I'm Dr. Shaw. And I'm here to get to know you and help you get better. You're very sad, aren't you? It's okay to be sad, sometimes I'm sad, too. We're going to spend the next hour trying to figure out why you're sad.

Frasier:
If you give a dog an hour, you can bill him for seven! [He and Niles laugh again]

Dr. Arnold Shaw:
I'm sorry, I get the feeling that some of us aren't taking this seriously.

Frasier:
I apologize; it all just seems a bit silly.

Dr. Arnold Shaw:
Silly? I have you know I just attended the funeral of one Buttons McFarlen whose owners felt the same way. [Niles and Frasier stifle snickers and Martin waves his cane at them] First, I'd like to administer a dog personality profile quiz I developed. My first questions are based on how you think Eddie might behave if you were a human being.

Frasier:
Oh boy!

Niles:
Here we go!

Daphne Moon:
[whisper to boys:] Shush, this isn't a joke! This is very serious.

Dr. Arnold Shaw:
If human Eddie were planning a dinner party, what might he serve?

Martin:
I'd say meatloaf. Not the plain kind, but the one with the fancy tomato soup glaze on top.

Niles:
It might be a bit underdone though, he has trouble reaching the knobs on the stove. [He and Frasier laugh]

Daphne Moon:
Poached salmon... I don't know why!

Dr. Arnold Shaw:
Interesting. Question two: What do you imagine human Eddie's first words to be?

Frasier:
Well, I should hope: 'Give me a breath mint!' [laughs] I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Right, next one.

Dr. Arnold Shaw:
What do you imagine would be human Eddie's favorite cologne?

Martin:
Rock Revelver... It's a little strong but I think he can pull it off.

Daphne Moon:
Grey Flannel... I don't know why!

Frasier:
Cologne? Well, actually I think he would prefer toilet water!

Niles:
By the way, same answer for favorite beverage! [He and Frasier laugh loudly and high-five each other]

Dr. Arnold Shaw:
I'm sensing a lot of hostility here.

Frasier:
Well, I'm sorry, but I don't see the point. What is any of this telling you about Eddie?

Dr. Arnold Shaw:
The point was not to learn about Eddie but was to learn about all of you and might I say... [glares at the brothers] mission accomplished!

Daphne Moon:
[dreamily] If Eddie were one of the Beatles, I think he'd be George... I don't know why! [She exits]

Frasier:
And yet she's never been commited. [imitating her] I don't know why!

Martin:
[Waiting for the doggie shrink] What's keeping this guy? He should have been here be now.

Frasier:
Perhaps he's being detained by his "Fear of Fetching" group.

Frasier:
[on the air, narrating details of Roz's recent date with a doctor] Apparently, he was an avid collector of antique gynecological equipment. [Roz pours a cup of water on Frasier's head] I've just gotten the signal from Roz that we're running out of time, so I'll skip ahead in our story.

[about the skull]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
One thing is certain: Someone... is very dead.

Martin Crane:
I'll bring a quart of whiskey in case of snakebite.

Dr. Niles Crane:
Dad, Dad, there are no snakes up there.

Martin Crane:
All right, I'll bring a snake!

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Niles, one last warning. Take it from someone who knows you both: you and Roz are NOT a good couple.

Dr. Niles Crane:
I understand you're saying that, but believe me, I have seen a new Roz today and underneath that brazen exterior she is a sweet, sensitive, shy and vulnerable woman.

Roz Doyle:
[calling from kitchen] Niles, have you seen my nipples?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Niles, the butcher shop was closed, so here I am with all my spices, everything I need to make my duck a l'orange - all I've got's the l'orange!

Martin Crane:
[noticing the rack of shotguns by the door] Well, looks like we're going to have get our ducks the old-fashioned way! But we better get a move on, there's only a couple hours of daylight left.

Dr. Niles Crane:
Yes, you know, I saw some boxs of ammo in the mud room, Dad, through the kitchen.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Are you insane? I'm not going to shoot any ducks; it's barbaric!

Martin Crane:
Oh, I get it! You'll eat them but you won't kill them. What do you think, these things are born "a l'orange?"

Martin Crane:
[telling Roz about Niles's crush on Daphne] Six years, can you believe it? Some people just don't even know when it's time to pull the plug.

Dr. Niles Crane:
Well, I won't make that mistake twice!

[Martin and Frasier think Niles has asked Roz out]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
*Roz*?

Dr. Niles Crane:
Well, didn't you encourage me to make a fresh start?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
True, but I gotta tell you, Niles, Roz isn't the freshest start you could make!

Niles:
Well, no wonder you're heartbroken. You've just lost the only woman you could ever possibly, sometime down the line, perhaps fall in love with. I'm surprised the country music people haven't jumped all over this one.

Frasier:
[has everyone tell him his faults] Fuss budget! Well, listen, if you don't mind the substitution, I think maybe "demanding" is more the mot juste.

Daphne:
Pretentious.

Frasier:
Right, you see, this is very good. Roz, you must have something?

Roz:
Well, you are a little full of yourself.

Frasier:
Great. Okay, pompous.

Roz:
And you do tend to ramble on with the callers.

Frasier:
A tad loquacious.

Martin:
Pretentious.

Frasier:
Dad, I already wrote that down.

Martin:
Underline it.

Niles:
Oh, snippy.

Daphne:
Sarcastic.

Martin:
Bossy.

Niles:
Huffy.

Roz:
Vain.

Frasier:
Oh, how nice we've finally found an activity we all enjoy together!

Martin:
Oh, don't worry about it Frasier. You'll be fine, you'll bounce back. You're tough.

Roz:
And resourceful.

Niles:
Resilient.

Martin:
Optimistic.

Niles:
Tenacious.

Daphne:
Conceited.

Martin:
Wrong list, Daph.

Frasier:
Now, you were saying something about my dad's bachelor party?

Roz:
Yeah. Weren't you having a problem deciding on the entertainment?

Frasier:
Oh, yes.

Roz:
Well, there's this girl in my spin class, and she does it all - strips, lap dances, movies.

Frasier:
Really? Would I be familiar with her work?

Roz:
I don't know, have you seen "Grinding Nemo"?

[Niles sees Roz and Martin having coffee together]

Niles:
I'm not interrupting anything personal, am I?

Roz:
Yeah, Niles, we just eloped. I'm your new mom.

Niles:
Well, I'll be a son of a b*tch.

[Roz suggests that Martin move in with Niles]

Roz:
Niles's place is so huge, and he's at work all the time.

Martin Crane:
Yeah, that's true. And Maris is out of the picture now...

Roz:
You know what? I just thought of something. For a while there your daughters-in-law were Maris and Lilith. Whoa, Happy Thanksgiving!

[Niles is trying to weasel out of inviting Martin to stay with him]

Niles:
Eddie... you know, Dad, I just realized, my building doesn't allow dogs.

Martin Crane:
Oh, well that's it, because I'm not leaving Eddie.

Niles:
Oh, what a shame.

Martin Crane:
Yeah, I guess I can find someplace. It can't be too small, though, 'cause it's gotta have a bedroom for Daphne.

Niles:
[reconsiders] You know, Dad, about that no-dog rule? I could speak to Clarice, the head of our co-op board.

Martin Crane:
Really? You think she'd make an exception?

Niles:
Well, let's just say she's bent quite a few rules in her time, and if she doesn't want her husband to find out, she'll bend this one.

Martin:
Oh, it's supposed to resist wrinkles. They had one in the display window wadded up inside a mayonnaise jar!

Niles:
Frasier, is he our real father?

Niles:
[about his father] Outside of our last name and abnormally well-developed calf muscles, we have nothing in common with the man.

Niles:
Dad's so set in his ways.

Frasier:
Well, we all are, at some point in our lives. Remember when you used to think the 1812 Overture was a great piece of classical music?

Niles:
Was I ever that young?

Martin:
I wouldn't like it.

Frasier:
Oh Dad, how do you know if you don't try it?

Martin:
Well I didn't have to get shot in the hip with a .38 to know I wouldn't like that.

Daphne:
Well! Aren't you a bobby dazzler!

Frasier:
Well, I'll go out on a limb and take that as a compliment.

Frasier:
[about Daphne] She's psychic. We've decided to find it charming.

Waitress:
Hi, can I get you guys something from the bar?

Frasier:
Oh dear God, yes.

Niles:
I'll have a Stoli Gibson on the rocks, with three pearl onions.

Frasier:
If you bring him two - if you bring him four - he'll send it back.

Waitress:
And for you?

Frasier:
The same.

Waitress:
And now if you're ready, you can claim your steaks.

Niles:
Claim our steaks?

Martin:
You get to pick the cut you want off the beef trolley!

Frasier:
How much extra would I have to pay to get one from the refrigerator?

Niles:
I'll, I'd like a, a petit filet mignon, very lean, not so lean that it lacks flavour, but not so fat that it leaves drippings on the plate. And I don't want it cooked - just lightly seared on either side, pink in the middle; not a true pink, but not a mauve either, something in between, bearing in mind the slightest error either way, and it's ruined.

Martin:
Sometimes there's nothing like a good steak.

Frasier:
I wish this was one of those times.

Niles:
[their first meeting] Hmm... You're Daphne?

Daphne:
Why, yes I am!

Niles:
Well, I... [shakes her hand] When Frasier told me he'd hired an Englishwoman, I pictured someone a little more... not quite so... you're Daphne?

Niles:
In the middle of dressing for the evening, she suddenly slumped down on the edge of the bed in her half-slip and sighed. Of course, I knew then and there that dinner was not to be.

Niles:
Oh, for goodness sake, Frasier! I'm a happily married man! Maris means the world to me. Why, just the other day I kissed her for no reason whatsoever.

Martin:
There's nothing like the smell of charbroiled meat.

Niles:
This aroma's triggering a sense memory. Something familiar. It's... oh, of course, Maris in her home tanning bed.

Frasier:
[as Martin is leaving restaurant in disgust after Frasier's and Niles's insulting remarks] Niles! Say something!

Niles:
Dad! The mud pies are coming!

Niles:
Say, funny thing happened the other day, uh. One of my patients had a rather amusing Freudian Slip. Uh, he was having dinner with his wife and he meant to say, "Pass the salt," but instead he said, "You've ruined my life you blood-sucking shrew."

Niles:
The food is to die for.

Martin:
Niles, your country and your family are to die for, food is to eat.

Frasier:
I just don't think it's very smart to make rude gestures at other drivers.

Martin:
He cut you off!

Frasier:
That doesn't matter. You do not antagonize a man whose bumper sticker says "If you're close enough to read this I'll kill you."

[On a getaway at a rustic cabin, Frasier has a hallucination of his three previous girlfriends]

Nanette:
Before Frasier sold out, we dreamed of having a home like this, where we'd be close to nature and need nothing except the food we'd grow ourselves and the warmth of each other's arms.

Lilith:
[drily] It's a wonder that marriage didn't work out.

Diane Chambers:
[aside to Lilith] She was probably great in the sack.

Nanette:
Actually, I made a lot of distracting noises.

Nanette:
You left him, too!

Hester Rose Crane:
Oh, I had no choice. Perhaps you heard? I died?

Lilith:
We were doing perfectly well before you got here.

Hester Rose Crane:
Well, if your bargain-basement psychiatry was so effective, why did he have to call in the big guns?

Lilith:
Excuse me, the definitive study was done five years later at Cambridge.

Hester Rose Crane:
Oh, excuse me for not keeping up, I was busy being dead.

Nanette:
That's her excuse for everything!

Hester Rose Crane:
Don't you have a tambourine to bang?

Diane Chambers:
[to Nanette] Don't feel bad, she tried to kill me once.

Hester Rose Crane:
Oh, not this paranoia again!

Diane Chambers:
You had a gun!

Lilith:
Failure is a result, Frasier, not a cause, try to focus on the core.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Maybe there is no core. Maybe fate is just conspiring against me! Have you ever considered that?

Lilith:
No, there's no such thing as fate.

Nanette:
Ha! If that were true, there'd be no such thing as astrology!

[during his hallucination, Frasier's mother appears alongside Nanette, Diane, and Lilith]

Hester Rose Crane:
So, a lifetime collecting women and this is the cream of the crop: the slacker, the barmaid, and the icicle.

[Every time Niles calls in to add his opinion to Frasier's show, Frasier genially welcomes him on - while beating the stuffing out of an inflatable clown]

Roz Doyle:
I'm starting to regret betting on the clown.

Mrs. Mulhern:
[to Dr Nora, her daughter, after she's tracked her down in Seattle] You little whore!

Frasier:
What say we go celebrate with a nice dinner at an exclusive boite?

Niles:
Yes, but the question remains, what boite?

Frasier:
Charise?

Niles:
Too noisy.

Frasier:
Alsace?

Niles:
Too bright.

Frasier:
Papillion?

Niles:
Too crowded.

Frasier:
We've run out of boites.

Niles:
A city this size and only three boites.

Frasier:
How do we live?

Daphne:
Excuse me? What kind of randy custom is that? First date, second date, whoops, let's all pitch our knickers? The third date might mean that to you Americans, but it takes more than three dates to get bangers and mash with Daphne Moon.

Daphne:
If you ask me, you Americans have an unhealthy obsession with sex.

Martin:
Hey, I'm sorry we can't all be as chaste and restrained as the Royal Family!

Frasier:
Good one, Dad!

Martin:
I've been saving it!

Daphne:
I have never met a family that worked so hard at being uncomfortable with each other!

Frasier:
Hi Dad, what are you doing up?

Martin:
I reached over in my sleep and Eddie wasn't there.

Frasier:
You need a woman, Dad.

Frasier:
[seeing Daphne with her clothes in disarray] Apparently, in England, it's the fourth date.

Niles:
[smelling Daphne's perfume] Is that "Forbidden"?

Frasier:
In every sense of the word.

[Frasier and Niles wonder why Martin invited them to Duke's Bar]

Daphne:
Could it be that he just wants to lift a pint with his sons?

Niles:
No. Duke's is where dad hangs out with his cop buddies. It's where he goes to escape the stresses, strains, and petty annoyances of everyday life.

Frasier:
In other words, us.

[referring to Poppy's review of "A Streetcar Named Desire"]

Dr. Niles Crane:
Well, I wish you had lent her your Tennessee Williams biography. She wouldn't have kept forgetting his name and calling him Indiana Jones.

Dr. Niles Crane:
You envious reptile!

Dr. Niles Crane:
You conniving copy-cat! You have to have whatever I have.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
I don't have what you have. My audience is twice as large as yours is!

Dr. Niles Crane:
Well, at least my audience can read!

Dr. Frasier Crane:
How dare you review my audience!

Dr. Niles Crane:
I'll review anything I want to!

Roz Doyle:
[about Poppy] Thank God today is her last day. You know, this morning she cornered me by the coffee machine and told me her whole life story. I just wanted to grab her by the throat and say, "What am I, your biographer? Shut up!"

Dr. Niles Crane:
Olga and I were up till all hours at a party for the Royal Shakespeare Company. I'm rubbing pretty impressive shoulders these days. And to think it's all because I have a small column.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
That would certainly be the Freudian interpretation!

Dr. Niles Crane:
You just can't stand it that my opinion means more than yours. That the arts community looks to me for my insight, my approval, my thumbs-up.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
I think we both know what your thumb's up these days!

Martin Crane:
Remember last week when Eddie killed his first rat? And how proud I was? I told you that story, right?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Yes, Dad, you told us. If you had a guitar you would have written a ballad.

Martin Crane:
Well, we were just down in the basement and I saw another rat. I said, "go get him, boy!" So just as he picked him up, had him in his teeth, shaking the life out of him, and I hear this little bell, ting-a-ling. And I thought, "that's funny - rats don't wear bells!"

Daphne Moon:
Oh, little Robbie Greenberg's missing hamster.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Yes, I read that flyer. He was offering a ten dollar reward.

Martin Crane:
Well, the most we can claim at this point is about six-fifty.

Dr. Niles Crane:
If it's any consolation, I got fired from "The Monocle."

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Niles, I'm sorry.

Dr. Niles Crane:
I panned a wretched musical, not realizing the lead was the person who does Olga's hair.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
She fired you just to placate her hairdresser?

Dr. Niles Crane:
Electrolysist. And if you'd ever seen her in a sundress, you'd forgive her as I have.

Gil Chesterton:
And I thought I'd seen some cruel pranks in the army.

Niles:
Frasier, do you remember the time the Kreizel brothers tied me to their Great Dane and lobbed meatballs down their gravel driveway?

Frasier:
I told you, Niles, I would have helped you, but their sister was holding me down.

Daphne:
I suppose she can be a bit overbearing. But as she often points out, she is paying for the wedding and I am her only daughter and giving birth to me was so painful she did bite through a kitchen spoon.

Frasier:
Daphne, just don't let you mother guilt you into having the wedding she wants instead of the wedding you want.

Daphne:
Oh, don't worry, Mum already promised me I could have the wedding I want, as soon as I have a daughter who gets engaged.

Niles:
If all goes well, in two weeks I shall storm the citadel of her womanhood.

Frasier:
Just picture it, Daphne. Aren't they something? As you and Donny exit the church one dozen white birds of peace will be released and circle above. Of course, we'll use fourteen in actuality; the power lines always take out a few.

[Frasier breaks the news to Niles about his new girlfriend]

Frasier:
She's a prostitute.

Niles:
Frasier, I don't like lawyers anymore than you do, but frankly a man whose face is plastered on every bus in town should be careful what terms he bandies about.

Frasier:
Niles, "Executive Match" is an escort service! One of Donny's clients was caught using them.

Niles:
I don't believe you.

Frasier:
Niles, does Sabrina laugh at everything you say, is she fascinated by everything about you, even your collections?

Niles:
Well, yes. Actually, I even showed her my rarely-seen collection of eighteenth-century Portuguese bud vases.

Frasier:
And how did she react?

Niles:
Well, if you must know, she was rather aroused. She said she loved a man who collected porcelain and... Oh my God, I'm dating a whore!

Frasier:
[about Donny] He's nothing but a hopeless romantic.

[He opens the door to Donny, who is on his cell phone]

Donny Douglas:
Any idiot knows you've got to pay a hooker in cash! I'm at a meeting, I'll call you later, bye. [hangs up] I've got this client, he's in the middle of a divorce, right? And his wife finds all these charges from this place called "Executive Match." It turns out to be a call girl service. When she gets through with him she'll have his house, his car, she'd have his beach house too if I hadn't already taken it. Women!

Dr. Niles Crane:
[about the sophistication of his intended pre-school] I hear the top two percent in "Coloring and Putting Away" can pretty much write their own ticket.

Leland Barton:
[to Roz] And you must be... I'm assuming you don't go by 'Niles' anymore.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[Realizes that Niles is still going to do his imaginary date] Daphne... is cooking dinner... for your date with a fictitious woman. Why not just set a place for the March Hare and the Mad Hatter?

Dr. Niles Crane:
I didn't plan for this to happen, but we are having the most perfect evening! I'm feeling my confidence return, I just need a few more minutes alone, and I'll be able to tell her everything. [the doorbell rings]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Niles, the longer you continue with this absurd lie, the more likely it is to blow up in your face!

Dr. Niles Crane:
Why are you always such a doomsayer? As long as I keep track of what I'm saying, nothing is going to blow up on anyone! [He opens the door, and finds Phyllis standing there] Phyllis!

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[sarcastic] Ka-boom!

[on Frasier's caramelizing torch]

Martin:
Yeah, I was pretty proud the first time he brought that blow-torch home. 'Til I saw what it was for.

[Frasier is breaking up with Marie]

Marie:
Am I crazy or are you breaking up with me?

Frasier:
They're not completely unrelated.

Martin:
Well, don't worry, I found a girl for you. Now, Duke's daughter Marie just moved back in town...

Frasier:
Dad, blind dates remain the refuge of the lovelorn.

Martin:
You know, if you didn't talk like that, you might not have to get set up so much.

[Martin is setting Frasier up with Duke's daughter Marie]

Martin:
Duke said she's grown into a real looker.

Frasier:
Yes, well I have seen Duke, and unless he sired a love child with Catherine Deneuve, I don't like my odds.

[Marie comes in]

Marie:
Uncle Martin.

Martin:
Oh, Marie! Look at you! You remember Frasier.

Frasier:
Bonjour.

Frasier:
You know, you're jealous. You're jealous that I'm having sex. Jealous that I'm having hot, passionate, sweaty jungle sex. What are you having?

[he doesn't notice the waitress behind him]

Niles:
I'm having a latte.

Frasier:
You know, maybe there's still time to win her back.

Martin:
Well, it'd take a pretty big bouquet of flowers to do that.

Frasier:
I don't know, Dad. Maybe if I just explain to her what really happened, she'll forgive me. Sometimes the best apology is just the truth.

Niles:
You mean you're going to tell her you thought she was prostituting herself for therapy but now you've decided that's OK?

Frasier:
...Well, not that truth. Some other truth.

Frasier:
Oh Niles, I don't have time to stand here and listen to your insanity. I have to go steal a get-well card from a kidney patient.

Daphne:
[while Eddie is eating Niles' flour, which he is using to prove he can take care of a child] That dingo's got your baby.

Roz Doyle:
You'll be happy to know that Clarence is doing a lot better. I just dropped his card off.

Frasier:
Clarence?

Roz Doyle:
Yeah, Clarence the guard.

Frasier:
Oh, down at the station, Clarence, oh yes, good. I didn't know he was sick.

Roz Doyle:
You signed his get-well card.

Frasier:
You mean that wasn't a birthday card?

Roz Doyle:
No, he's in the hospital having a kidney transplant.

Frasier:
Oh my God, I thought it was his birthday! I wrote, "Dear Clarence, you're not getting older, you're just getting closer to death"!

Niles:
Oh the feedings every two hours. Constant monitoring where he is, I can see how parents can be obsessed with worry. Last night, I actually had a dream my flour sack was abducted and the kidnapper started sending me muffins in the mail.

[Niles considers carrying around a sack of flour to practice for fatherhood]

Niles:
Extra-refined. It's taking after its old man already.

Frasier:
No Niles, that's the sugar. If we're going to do this, we're going to do it right. Now, here is the flour.

[reading from the label]

Frasier:
Bleached, 100% fat free, best when kept in an air-tight container. It seems this one is taking after its mother.

[on their way home, the boys have a small adventure helping their cab driver to deliver her baby]

Daphne:
I can't wait to see what kinds of dreams I have after all this talk about childbearing. Probably that one where my mother shows up and says... [old lady voice] "Well, Daphne, you're fifty now and you've never given me grandchildren." Then I say, "That was my choice to make, Mum, I was thinking of my career." "Oh sure, your career, but did you ever think of me?" "Mother, I don't want to start this again, just drop it." "But will she drop it...?" "Oh shut up, mother!" "Don't talk to me like that, young lady...!"

[exits]

Frasier:
I wonder how many more people she's got in there with her.

Martin:
[Niles walks into the apartment carrying flour bag in his hands] What are you doing with that thing?

Niles:
I am forging a parent-child bond that will last forever.

Martin:
Oh that's a relief, I was afraid it might be something stupid.

Arlene:
I can't have my baby here.

Frasier:
All right, now listen, miss, there's no for you to be concerned. You happen to be in the presence of two trained medical professionals. Niles, help the woman.

[Niles is using a bag of flower as a baby in a parenthood exercise]

Niles:
Turn him over if he starts fussing, will you, dad?

Martin:
No.

Niles:
I'm roleplaying, dad.

Martin:
Try playing the role of a sane person.

Arlene:
[in labor] Ahh! It really hurts!

Niles:
That's okay. It's natural.

Arlene:
No, you're squeezing my hand!

Frasier:
Oh, just get a hold of yourself, Niles!

Niles:
I'm sorry! I only did this once before, in medical school, and all I remember is a bright light and lots of blood and then a linoleum floor hurtling towards my forehead.

Arlene:
You fainted?

Niles:
Oh, switch places with me, honey, and see how you do!

Frasier:
You know, my particular area of medicine is psychiatry. I like to specialize in the head, you know, not the lower portions of the body. It's much less messy that way. Not that your lower portion is messy at all. It's quite beautiful, actually... not that I'm looking!

[Arlene screams in pain]

Frasier:
Is the pain that bad?

Arlene:
No, you're driving me crazy!

Niles:
Don't drive her crazy.

Frasier:
Oh, shut up!

Martin:
[climbing out of the backseat and pulling Frasier out of the front] Move it out of there! Come on!

Frasier:
All right, dad! All right! Just hurry up.

Arlene:
What, are you a doctor, too?

Martin:
No. I'm a retired cop.

Arlene:
Well, what took you so long? Oh! It's really hurting!

Martin:
I know. Look, everything's gonna be just fine, sweetheart. Now, I've delivered more than a... a few babies in my lifetime, and some of them are even older than you are now. Now, Frasier is gonna hold your hand and help you with your breathing, and Niles is gonna look out for an ambulance, and I'm gonna get ready to bring your beautiful baby into this world, okay?

Arlene:
Okay.

Martin:
Good. Now, are there any questions?

Niles:
Yes. Should our meter still be running?

Daphne:
So I guess you've had some excitement tonight.

Niles:
[quickly] No, I haven't.

Daphne:
Well, your father sure made it sound exciting on the phone... delivering a baby in a taxi.

Niles:
Oh, that. I don't think of that as excitement as much as my sworn duty to use those skills I honed in medical school.

Frasier:
Yes, Niles ran down to a falafel stand for a pot of hot water.

Martin:
What I can't get over is that feeling of being there right when a person's life begins. One minute, it's just this blob in some lady's stomach. Next minute, it's a person. Blob...

[snaps his fingers]

Martin:
...person.

Frasier:
The miracle of birth summed up in one poetic phrase.

Frasier:
Don't stare at me, Eddie. I'm a humane man but in the mood I'm in, I could kick a kitten through an electric fan!

Daphne Moon:
This whole thing reminds me of when I first moved to London. And I was very mistrusting of people back then. I was convinced, the way to stay out of harms way was to walk the streets with me eyes cast down, never meeting anyone's glance. But, finally, I decided, that was no way to live. So, one day I just lifted up me chin and took it all in. Well, the change was amazing. There were sights I've never seen, sounds I've never heard. A tiny old man came up to me with a note in his hand. He needed help. I took his note, read it, and to this day I can remember just what I said to that man. "That's not how you spell fellatio."

Frasier:
You know, I have to tell you, Niles, I'm feeling rather good about this whole thing. Well, granted, I did lose my wallet and my favorite suit, but still, you know, mostly everything else was intact: my... my date book, my... my spare set of car keys, my fountain pen. But best of all, what has remained intact is my sense that people are basically trustworthy.

Dr. Niles Crane:
Frasier, the person who has your car keys asked you to meet him here, knowing you'd bring your car?

Frasier:
Now, now, before you launch into one of your little paranoid riffs, my car happens to be...

[Frasier turns around and looks out the window]

Frasier:
...moving down the street! Oh my god!

[Frasier and Niles run out of the cafe]

Frasier:
Stop! Stop that well-dressed man!

Martin:
This world would be a happier place if everybody would remember two little words: people stink.

Frasier:
I'm sorry, but that's just a little cynical for me. I don't want to go through life thinking the worst of people. I prefer to think of them as basically good and decent.

[into the phone]

Frasier:
Yes, I am here. But, you know, I'm sorry, I'm in the middle of a speech right now, so you'll have to hold.

Dr. Niles Crane:
[awkwardly making conversation with Roz] So... that's a nice jacket.

Roz Doyle:
Thank you.

Dr. Niles Crane:
It's offbeat.

Roz Doyle:
And what is that supposed to mean, 'offbeat'?

Dr. Niles Crane:
Well...

Roz Doyle:
No, wait, I think I know exactly what it means. Offbeat as in cheap. Well, excuse me for not being rich enough to shop at the International House of Tight Ass like you and Maris the heiress! That is what you meant, right?

Dr. Niles Crane:
Yes, but I had no idea you'd pick up on it!

Roz Doyle:
Then you were insulting me.

Dr. Niles Crane:
Yes, but you got in a couple of good shots yourself.

Carrie:
Excuse me, Dr. Crane?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Hi, Carrie.

Carrie:
Hi. I have your pants.

Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe:
Whoa, doc! [honks horn] Where'd you leave them?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
They're new, Bulldog. Some of the finer department stores deliver garments to their busier customers.

Carrie:
Actually, we don't. I just thought it would be nice to see you again.

Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe:
Excuse me. You look very familiar. Didn't I let you pour a flaming tequila shooter down my throat at Sloppy Nick's during ah, last year's Indy 500?

Carrie:
Ahhh, no.

Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe:
Well, what are you doing next Memorial Day?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Bulldog, as certain as I am that any young lady in the world would love to set your face on fire, Carrie, I believe, is here to see me.

Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe:
Okay. Hey, you can't blame a dog for trying. Just on the off chance it might make a difference, I drive a '94 Camaro. [He leaves]

Carrie:
Is he gay? [Frasier looks at her, surprised] I've been studying about this in school, and it seems like he's really overcompensating.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Yes, well, I'm not sure. But I certainly look forward to running that theory by him.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Hello, Rachel. I'm listening.

Rachel:
Oh, thanks for taking my call, Dr. Crane. Um, I'm involved in sort of a strange love triangle.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[mutes the mike] Oh goody, this is sweeps week!

Rachel:
You see, I recently married a widower. Now, Phil's a real good man, he's a kind man. But there's just one little problem. He insists on keeping an urn with his late wife's ashes on the dresser in our bedroom.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
That is a definite "Yikes!"

Rachel:
See, I knew that wasn't normal! He says it is, but I knew it wasn't!

Dr. Frasier Crane:
All right, Rachel, Rachel, now listen. Before you go off half-cocked, let's try to remember this is a very sensitive issue for your husband. Obviously those ashes mean a very great deal to him. And although I don't believe it's appropriate that he keep them in the bedroom, I suppose you could maybe move them to another room?

Rachel:
Well, I guess I could try that. Maybe I'll move them into the guest room. [sound of crockery breaking] Oops.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Rachel, what happened?

Rachel:
Oh... oh, nothing. I gotta run, Dr. Crane. I've got some vacuuming to do.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Niles, I'm 41. That's hardly middle-aged. Middle age is more like 50, 55.

Dr. Niles Crane:
Only if you live to be 110.

Frasier:
You feel like a new man, don't you?

Niles:
I feel like a new woman, and thank God I remembered to pack one!

Frasier:
I suppose we could share a table. There's a couple of seats available there.

[He gestures to a table where 2 attractive women are seated]

Niles:
Oh good Lord. We can't sit with strange women.

Frasier:
Why not? We married strange women.

Niles:
Those two are coming on to us.

Frasier:
You know, they are very attractive, Niles. Maybe we should ask them out.

Niles:
On a date? We just met!

Frasier:
[sarcastically] Good point, Niles. Perhaps we should go out with them a few more times before we ask them on a date.

Frasier:
Niles, I can't take this anymore.

Niles:
These women are as inscrutable as sphinxes.

Frasier:
Yes. All we've gotten here are the most veiled, cloaked, cryptic messages. Can't they just give us one clear signal?

Beth Armstrong:
[enters] Well, I'm off to bed. Niles, are you coming? [exits to bedroom]

Niles:
[missing the implication] Curse these infernal riddles!

Frasier:
Niles!

Niles:
This is Dr. Niles Crane, filling in for my ailing brother, Dr. Frasier Crane. Although I feel perfectly qualified to fill Frasier's radio shoes, I should warn you that while Frasier is a Freudian, I am a Jungian. So there'll be no blaming Mother today. Okay, Roz, who's my first caller?

Niles:
[filling in for Frasier on the show] Let's get better!

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[a delirious and drug-overdosed Frasier has returned to the station] Hello, Seattle, I'm back! This is Dr. Frasier Crane. I promise I will never leave you again. So, let's take our first caller. Hello, I'm listening.

Robert:
Hi, Dr. Crane. Thanks for taking my call. I'm a little nervous, okay? My name is Robert.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
And your name is...?

Robert:
My name is Robert.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Oh, I'm sorry. We've already had a Robert on the show today. Goodbye! [disconnects him]

Roz Doyle:
[on the office phone] Tony, it's Roz. Could you get security up here? Captain Kirk's got control of the bridge and he's gone insane.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[takes another call] Who is this?

Janice:
I'm Janice.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Well, Janice, what's your problem?

Janice:
Well, I'm having a problem breaking through a barrier with my in-laws.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Boring! [disconnects her]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Hello! You're on the crane with Frasier Air!

Marjorie:
Hi, Dr. Crane. This is Marjorie. You see, I'm... I'm having a problem with my boss. He doesn't seem to respect me, and I don't have the courage to confront him.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
OK, OK, Marjorie. Well, let's, let's see... Let's do a little role-playing, OK? Look, I'll be your boss, you be yourself, you be Marjorie... and uh - come on in and talk to me in a very forceful way. Tell me what you think, and you just might be surprised by what happens!

Marjorie:
Well, OK. "Listen, Mr. Ross. I've worked for this company for six years and I've never missed a day. But you've constantly promoted people less qualified than I am and I don't think that's fair."

Dr. Frasier Crane:
"Well, Marjorie, I must say I admire your forthrightness and uh... I wished more of my employees came and spoke to me with an open mind. You know, you're going to get that promotion!"

Marjorie:
Hey, that was great!

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[excited] Yeah! Wasn't it? Wasn't it? OK, it's my turn! I'm Marjorie and you're the boss now! Come on! Come on... [Niles and security arrive and hustle him out]

Daphne Moon:
You really should stay home and let me tend to you. I'm a very good nurse. I mended all my brothers' soccer injuries.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Well, I didn't get injured playing soccer.

Daphne Moon:
Neither did my hooligan brothers. Mostly they got hurt beating up drunken Dutchmen in the stands.

Daphne:
I don't think you should be up and...

Frasier:
The moment I give a FIG about what you think, is the day that England produces a great chef, a world class bottle of wine, and a car with a decent electrical system!

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Hi, we're back. As most of my faithful listeners know, every year I compose a parable that I hope will illuminate the spirit of the Christmas season. So without any further ado, I give you "The Story of Olaf, the lonely little goatherd."

[He plays a tape of barnyard noises. Bulldog and Gil sneak in via Roz's booth]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[reading] "Once upon a time, there lived a lonely little goatherd. He had no family, and no playthings, so to amuse himself, one day he carved a little wooden flute..."'

[Bulldog and Gil drape him in tinsel and lights]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[ignoring them] "A flute that he used to play during the long, lonely evenings. And the tune it made was very lovely, and all the people in the village below could hear the pure, glorious sound..."

[mutes the microphone]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
This is all very amusing, but nothing you can do is going to distract me!

[Bulldog plugs in the lights, and he and Gil laugh]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[keeps reading] "One day, the son of a wealthy merchant heard the music, and while that boy had all the toys in the world, he was jealous of this little goatherd's flute."

[Bulldog tries to burn Frasier's script with a cigarette lighter]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
"So, one dark-"

[blows out Bulldog's lighter]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
"-night, one dark-"

[blows it out again]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
-windy night, The merchant's son stole his precious instrument, but when he took that flute home, he couldn't make it play. So he smashed the flute to bits."

[Bulldog and Gil return with Candy, a stripper disguised under a Santa costume]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
"When the little goatherd came down the mountain the next day, and saw his flute was broken..."

[Candy whips off her belt and jacket to reveal a fur-lined bra]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
YIKES!..."He might have said that, but instead he forgave the merchant's son. And the wealthy merchant adopted the little goatherd, and..."

[Candy rips off her pants, revealing a garter belt and lacy underwear]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
OH, MAMA!..."he said, upon meeting the merchant's wife, and somewhere along the way, he learned the true meaning of Christmas." This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you a truly blessed and forgiving holiday.

[off the air]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
There now, you see? Nice try. Miss Kane's delightful performance aside, this just proves the power of my message cannot be stayed... for God's sakes, what am I, a robot?

[He grabs Candy and kisses her passionately]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
And to all a good night.

Niles:
[Frasier's gift for Freddie got lost in the mail] The Cranes of Maine have got your Living Brain!

Frasier:
[opens a package] Dad, I'm sorry, if Frederick's anything like me, the kind of toys he'll like to play with are... [looks in the box] A kitchen set, a dollhouse and three kinds of Barbies! This is for a Franklin Crane from Kenibunkport. God, you realize what this means?

Niles:
[deadpan] Yes. The Cranes of Maine have got your Living Brain.

Niles:
Well, how about that woman near the cosmetics counter who tried to mace me?

Frasier:
That was a cologne sample, Niles!

Niles:
[on Maris] I called this morning to arrange the delivery of her Christmas gift, and she said the only gift she'd accept from me was an abject apology.

Frasier:
Going to cave into her, aren't you?

Niles:
Au contraire. I told her I was not about to apologise, and from that point on, the respect in her voice came through loud and clear. No small feat, considering at the time she was speaking at the time through the hole in her massage table.

Waitress:
I'm sorry sir, your card didn't clear. I have to do this.

[cuts up Niles's credit card]

Niles:
Wait, wait! What are you doing?

Waitress:
The computer said "credit cancelled by order of co-signatory."

Frasier:
Maris has cancelled your credit card.

Roz Doyle:
Whoa, Merry Christmas!

Waitress:
Would you care to use a different one?

Niles:
There's no point, they're all in her name. [dials his cell phone] I'm calling her right now and demanding the restoration of my credit card, and my bank accounts... [realizes the phone is dead] And my phone service!

Gil Chesterton:
For those of you who have not yet sampled the punch, here is my capsule review: vile bouquet, unwholesome colour, ghastly taste - and a kick that is simply heaven.

Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe:
[wearing a sprig of mistletoe on his hat] Hey, Roz. You know what's over my head?

Roz Doyle:
Almost any clever remark?

[Gil bursts out laughing]

Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe:
What's she mean by that?

Frasier:
Oh, listen Roz. I know you've got a plane to catch and the traffic to the airport is probably very bad, so in the spirit of the Christmas season, why don't you just take off early, hmm?

Roz Doyle:
You're going to read one of your inspirational Christmas fables again, aren't you?

Frasier:
Yes, I am. Be a lot easier without you sitting over there sticking your finger in your throat.

Frasier:
[seeing Martin's Christmas decorations] Oh, God... it's my childhood Christmases all over again. Only now Mom isn't here to say, "Shut up, you'll hurt his feelings."

[Martin's robot santa says "Ho Ho Ho!"]

Martin Crane:
It works when you step on the mat.

[It says "Ho Ho Ho!" again]

Martin Crane:
It can say "Ho, Ho, Ho", "Merry Christmas", or "Happy Holidays."

Frasier:
Yeah, well I hope it can say "Geronimo" because I'm going to throw him off the balcony!

Daphne Moon:
I'm bringing Grammy Moon's famous plum duff. It's a still flour pudding boiled in a cloth bag.

Martin Crane:
Who gets to lick the bag?

Daphne Moon:
No. You see, Grammy Moon had a secret ingredient. She'd soak it for hours in rum, then ignite it in a blinding flash. As soon as she came out of the kitchen with no eyebrows, we knew dessert was ready. [She moves towards the door, stepping over the Santa mat] You know, to this day the smell of burning hair puts me in the holiday spirit. Bye, Merry Christmas.

Frasier:
So, Niles, did you have a discussion with Maris?

Niles:
No, but I had an epiphany! I realised, cutting off my funds is Maris's way of saying, "I love you!"

[Frasier just stares at him]

Niles:
She always uses money to get what she wants; ergo, this is proof she wants *me* back! What do you think?

[the robot Santa says "Ho Ho Ho!"]

Frasier:
I think Santa's said it all for us.

Martin Crane:
[pulls out more Christmas decorations] Santa's legs for the chimney! You remember these babies?

Frasier:
Oh, yes. Inspired some spectacular Christmas nightmares the year I found them under your bed.

Martin Crane:
[about the decorations] Well, I don't care what you think; it's not for you, it's for Frederick.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
God, I suppose you're right, Dad. I used to love this stuff when I was six; by the time I was seven, I started to have questions; when I was eight, I started spending a lot more time at the Bernsteins'.

Niles:
[Upon seeing Eddie dressed up as Santa] Dad, you have to get out more. You've started doing "old lady" things.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[in a toy store, buying toys for Frederick] First, The Living Brain.

Little boy in toy store:
Living brain? What kind of dork wants that?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
With any luck, the kind of dork who will be operating on your prostate someday!

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Go ahead, Tom. I'm listening.

Tom:
Hi, Dr. Crane. Uh, it's about my girlfriend. My problem is, I don't know if I love her for herself or because things are so great between us physically.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Well, how long have you two been together?

Tom:
Six years.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
And the sex is still that good?

Tom:
Oh man, Dr. Crane, every morning, night, three times a day on weekends. But I'm not sure we have much else in common.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Well, common interests are of course the foundation of... three times, you say?

Tom:
Is that abnormal?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Well, uh, no, no, it's not abnormal. It's not fair, but it's not abnormal. But you know, perhaps you share more things than you think you do actually. I'll tell you what, try this: why don't you pick up a catalogue from a local university, go through it with her and see if there are any courses you'd like to take together?

Tom:
That's a good idea! Thanks, Doc. Have a great weekend.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Well, I'd wish you the same but it hardly seems necessary.

Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe:
Oh, I love weddings. Never been to a wedding where I didn't bag at least one bridesmaid.

Niles:
I just spotted someone. It's my least favorite patient. The man's a compulsive womaniser. He goes through so many women, he calls them all by the same odious nickname, "Sunshine," to avoid slip-ups.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Oh, God.

Niles:
Frasier, what do you do when you don't like a patient?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Well, it's a tricky subject, isn't it? How long have you been seeing him?

Niles:
Six months. We've made no progress whatsover. Sometimes I feel he comes in not so much for help as to brag. He claims to have been with, at last count, one hundred and fifty women!

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Oh puh-leeze. A hundred and fifty...

Niles:
As if anything over, say... seven weren't absurd.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Well, I would say eleven, but I get your point.

Martin:
[recording his memoirs] My name's Martin Crane. When I made this tape, I was sixty-four years old. But now... I'm *dead*! Trapped in a box, underground... [chuckles] Pretty scary, huh?

[he throws his head back and laughs evilly. Niles lowers the camcorder]

Niles:
Dad, surely you must have some message you want to leave for the Cranes of the twenty-first century?

Martin:
All right, all right, I do.

[Niles resumes filming]

Martin:
Remember to always work hard, and that family comes first. And... I have a million bucks in unmarked bills that I took off a drug dealer that I have stashed in my old army foot locker. The combination is left fifteen, right thirty-two, le-le...

[he pretends to choke and die. Niles wearily turns the camcorder on himself]

Niles:
Future generations, see what I had to put up with?

Niles:
What's the point of going to Switzerland without spending a day on the slopes? So, I ducked out of the conference, and who should I run into but Maris? She'd just flown in for her yearly goat-placenta treatments.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Hmm... Good lord, is it placenta-treatment-time again, already?

Niles:
We had a set-to on the slopes. She ran; I tried to follow her tracks in the snow but, alas, she made none.

Niles:
Now serving one hundred and fifty one.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[turns to see] Good God! He's here to see Roz?

Niles:
Yes, well, no doubt they met when Sealy Posturepedic named them Man and Woman of the Year.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
That is the *last* man that Roz should be with!

Niles:
Don't worry: Knowing Roz, he won't be.

Roz Doyle:
Would you stop worrying about me, Frasier? This one's different. I can tell he really cares about me.

Ben:
[handing Roz her coffee] Here you go, Sunshine.

Roz Doyle:
Oh, hey Daphne.

Daphne Moon:
Hello, Roz. How are you?

Roz Doyle:
Okay. Can I ask you something? Does Frasier seem weird to you?

Daphne Moon:
Oh, God yes.

Roz Doyle:
I haven't even finished my question yet.

Daphne Moon:
Yes, well, when you know the answer, it's hard not to hit the buzzer.

[Frasier and Niles are reading, trying to find a way to circumvent Niles' obligation to keep Ben's intentions confidential]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Say, here's a possibility. According to this, it says we can warn her if he plans to do her bodily harm. Does he?

Niles:
No.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Damn!

Niles:
It would be so much easier if Roz were mentally incompetent.

[They slowly look up at each other]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Go on.

Niles:
Well, then there'd be some justification for protecting her. Is she irrational?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
She did attack a vending machine once, when a Twinkie came out of the Oreo chute.

Niles:
Borderline, borderline... Does she ever act delusional?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Well, she often claims that she's responsible for the success of our show.

Niles:
Building, building... Does she display below-average intelligence?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
She once ordered a bottle of white zinfandel!

Niles:
Jackpot! Go to her! She's a threat to herself!

Dr. Frasier Crane:
It's amazing they even let the woman drive!

Roz Doyle:
Everything was going great until I said, "I love you, Ben," and then he got this look on his face like he'd taken a wrong turn in a really bad neighborhood.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Oh Roz, you look beautiful!

Roz Doyle:
Thank you.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
But we're not going.

Roz Doyle:
What?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
It's got something to do with my personal growth. You see, I don't care about these people anymore and you know, I want them to know it.

Roz Doyle:
Frasier, I hired a babysitter... twice, I did my makeup... twice, I performed a miracle of engineering by taping myself into this dress... twice, only to be stood up... twice!

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Roz, technically you only did your hair once.

Roz Doyle:
SHUT UP! [hits him with her handbag] You know, some day you're gonna need another favor from me, buddy, and when that day comes, I hope you know what you can do with it.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
I have a pretty good idea.

Roz Doyle:
Well, DO IT TWICE!

Martin Crane:
[to Frasier obsessing about note from professor] Frasier, it's just a note.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
I know, dad.

Martin Crane:
It doesn't mean anything.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
I know, dad.

Martin Crane:
Say hi to Dr. Tewksbury for me.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Okay, dad.

Roz Doyle:
[to Gil who has just lost an award] Come on, Gil. Isn't it enough to be enough?

Gil Chesterton:
You tell me, Miss Three-Time Loser.

Roz Doyle:
[to Kenny, who has passed the presenter's role to Martin] You are such a weenie.

Kenny Daly:
Yeah, weenie like a fox.

Kenny Daly:
Frasier's up next, and he's not here yet. What'll we do?

Martin Crane:
Stall.

Kenny Daly:
Stall... Stall!

Dr. Niles Crane:
Like that.

Professor William Tewksbury:
[on phone] It's a minor crisis. I'll be there in half an hour.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[calling out the window] What does it all mean!

Professor William Tewksbury:
[on phone] Make it an hour.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Thank you for honoring my life. Just wish I knew what to do with the rest of it.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[Frasier is attempting to treat himself as a patient] I'm sorry, caller. I can't help you.

Noel Shempsky:
[bows over in pain] Ohhhh!

Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe:
[slapping Noel's head] Shake it off, kid! Nobody likes a whiner!

Dr. Frasier Crane:
The sign said "F Hockey." I assumed it meant "Freshman Hockey."

Martin Crane:
The little plaid skirt didn't tip you off?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
I thought it was a kilt!

Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe:
Hey! What'd I tell you about smoking in the booth?

Roz Doyle:
Oh, bite me! I need something to kill my appetite - besides your STUPID, UGLY FACE!

[before the initial weighing, the staff gorges themselves on junk food to boost their starting weight]

Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe:
We got cheeseburgers, donuts, french fries, tacos...

Gil Chesterton:
And a duck confit that's as rich as Donald Trump and twice as greasy.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Well, Morrie, if you're not cheating on your wife, and she still suspects you, then we're obviously dealing with a trust issue.

Morrie:
More like a crazy issue. And I know where she gets it, from her mother - who, by the way, came for Thanksgiving and still hasn't left. Happy New Year!

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Perhaps we should tackle these issues one at a time...

[Over the line Frasier hears loud knocking]

Morrie:
I'm in the bathroom, Celeste! A little privacy? See how she gets?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Well, perhaps what is needed here is...

[click]

Celeste:
You think I don't know who you're talking to in there, huh, Morrie? It's your little whore, isn't it? Hello, whore.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Celeste, if I could interrupt for just a moment...

Celeste:
A man? It's worse than I thought.

[Another click]

Celeste's Mother:
Celeste?

Celeste:
Hang up, Ma!

Celeste's Mother:
You're all on the radio. I'm listening down in the kitchen.

Morrie:
How about washing a dish or two while you're down there?

[Yet another click]

Britney:
I cannot stand this yelling! I'm running away from home.

Morrie:
Oh, hang up the phone, Britney, you're going nowhere.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
And neither is this conversation.

[He cuts off the line]

[the KACL team is sitting in a steam room]

Roz Doyle:
It's weird, my skin tastes kind of salty.

[pause]

Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe:
Oh, I'd say mostly sweet, but a little salty.

Roz Doyle:
That wasn't me, Bulldog.

Gil Chesterton:
That was me you licked. And if it happens again, I shall consider it strike one.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
I've decided to rededicate myself to this diet. The team is captained by my old high school nemesis, Wayne Shafter.

Dr. Niles Crane:
[Gasps] Which one was he?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Big neck, dead eyed, snapped your PBS umbrella.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Daphne, didn't you purchase some sort of stomach-tightening apparatus for dad?

Daphne Crane:
The Ab-Blaster or the Flab-Buster?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Right, I tell you what. Bring me both of them, I'll put them together and see if I can get a real good workout.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Is that bird nesting in my cashmere scarf?

Martin Crane:
Yeah, we tried a whole bunch of them and that's the one he likes best.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
All right, that's it! I want that sky rat out of here!

Martin Crane:
Oh, no! Eddie will be crushed. The bird's like his pet.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Eddie *is* a pet. He doesn't get to have a pet.

Dr. Niles Crane:
[after watching Eddie's pigeon fall down to his neighbour's awning] Don't you die! I love you, you tough old bird! Not you, Mrs Cunningham.

Martin Crane:
[a pigeon flies into Frasier's window] Are you happy? You killed Eddie's friend. Poor little guy [pause] Now what should we do? Just kick him over the edge?

[off-screen, Eddie is barking]

Frasier:
What is the matter with him?

Daphne:
He saw your father's chair was gone, and he's afraid it means your father's gone too. I think he suspects foul play.

[Eddie keeps barking]

Frasier:
Oh, stop it! If I had stuck Dad's feet into a bucket of cement and thrown him into Puget Sound, you would have been the tiny little splash that followed him!

Frasier:
By tonight my dad will be safely back in his beer-stained, flea-infested, duct-taped recliner, adjusting his shorts with one hand and cheering on Jean-Claude Van Damme with the other. Yes, it's quite a little piece of heaven I've carved out for myself, isn't it?

[Niles lets Daphne try on a necklace he bought for Maris, but it falls down the front of her blouse; Frasier enters]

Frasier:
Hello, Niles. Whatever are you doing here?

Niles:
I, um, bought an emerald necklace for Maris, and I needed some place to hide it for her birthday.

Frasier:
Emeralds? Well, may I see it?

Niles:
Not at the moment, no.

Frasier:
Why not?

Daphne:
It's down my blouse.

Frasier:
I see. Well, I'm sure Maris will never think of looking for it there.

Martin:
I just need a comfortable place to park my fanny.

Frasier:
How about Florida?

Martin:
I heard that.

Niles:
[entering the furniture store] Good God, Frasier, we've stumbled upon hell's waiting room.

Niles:
[testing a chair in the showplace] I never knew a chair could be this satisfying. I never knew anything could! I want it!

Frasier:
Yes, Niles, I'm sure it would fit right in with all of Maris' Eighteenth Century antiques.

Niles:
Well then, I'll just rent it an apartment and visit it on the side.

Daphne:
[getting kicked out of Martin's new chair] Oh, all right. Just like a man. Now you've had your fun, you don't care where I am!

Martin:
[trying out his new massage chair for the first time] That's disgusting!

Martin:
Okay, I'll tell you what chair I want. I want the chair I was sitting in when I watched Neil Armstrong take his first step on the Moon. And when the US hockey team beat the Russians in the '80 Olympics. I want the chair I was sitting in the night you called me to tell me I had a grandson. I want the chair I was in all those nights, when your mother used to wake me up with a kiss after I'd fallen asleep in front of the television. Y'know I still fall asleep in it. And every once in a while, when I wake up, I still expect your mother to be there, ready to lead me off to bed... Oh, never mind. It's only a chair.

[sitting in a vibrating massage chair]

Daphne:
Hello! Ohh... ohh... ohh... this is enough to make me give up my search for a meaningful relationship.

Frasier:
God, when you think about all the care I put into decorating my home, only to have it mocked by this atrocity.

Niles:
The bottom line is, it is your home. Why don't you just make him get rid of it?

Frasier:
Well, it's not that simple, you know? Dad does have his feelings, and he does have quite an attachment to this little chair...

Niles:
You're afraid to stand up to him, aren't you?

Frasier:
Oh, like you're not!

Niles:
Well, at least I don't have to live with something unattractive.

[Frasier shoots him a look. Niles gapes in outrage]

Frasier:
Oh, Niles, I'm just having some fun with you. I happen to think Maris is rather attractive, in a... a minimalist sort of way.

Martin:
Hey, Niles. What brings you by?

Niles:
Maris's birthday, I'm hiding her present here.

Martin:
Oh, it's getting that time of year, is it? Well, I guess I'm gonna have to get her something. It's too bad, I just got back from the hardware store. Saw a great-looking ratchet set.

Frasier:
[sotto] As if there's anything left on her that needs tightening.

Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe:
Hey doc. Roz. Wait till you hear this. I got a job today.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Really?

Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe:
You ought to rub me for good luck.

Roz Doyle:
Where?

Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe:
Well start on my knee, work your way up.

Roz Doyle:
Where's the job?

Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe:
Oh, it's this new all-sports station. I got the breakfast slot. I even came up with a slogan: 'Coffee, eggs and Bulldog.'

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Sounds like some sort of a Malaysian Happy Meal.

Gil Chesterton:
A word of caution on the hummus: To be avoided, as a leper would avoid a magic teacup ride.

Roz Doyle:
Gil, Frasier made that.

Gil Chesterton:
Oh I'm so sorry.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
It's quite all right. I understand. You need to flex your critical muscles while you're between jobs.

Gil Chesterton:
Oh good, then you might enjoy this one: After sampling your unnuanced baba ganoush, I was tempted to describe your entire Middle-Eastern buffet as 'The Sorrow and the Pita.' Oh who's got a pencil, I've got to write that one down.

Roz Doyle:
[an unemployed Frasier is lying on the couch, sobbing.] Frasier, it's all in how you look at things. Look at my life...

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[still crying] No career, no relationship, no hope!

Roz Doyle:
You can say the same thing about me.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
I was talking about you! [Roz smacks him]

Daphne Moon:
Dr. Crane, my Grammy Moon used to say-- [Frasier yells loudly.]

Martin Crane:
What are you trying to do, kill him?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
I am going to get another job. The people of this city need me. I'm a beloved Seattle institution.

Martin Crane:
[aside] A couple more days like this, he's gonna be *in* a beloved Seattle institution.

Aaron:
It's cool isn't it? Your brother having his own club?

Dr. Niles Crane:
Yeah, well. Seeing all of you, I sort of wish I had a club myself.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
You're just in time, I'm throwing a party for my fan club.

Martin Crane:
Here?

Dr. Niles Crane:
Is there some problem with the bridge they normally meet under?

Dr. Niles Crane:
How's Frasier doing?

Martin Crane:
He's getting weirder, he beat up a pinata yesterday.

Dr. Niles Crane:
Isn't that what you're SUPPOSED to do to a pinata?

Martin Crane:
Not like this. They found a jawbreaker on the other side of the highway.

Dr. Niles Crane:
Frasier, you're not famous ANYMORE! [Frasier starts bawling]

Martin Crane:
What in the hell did you do that for?

Dr. Niles Crane:
Dad, he needed a push.

Martin Crane:
But look at him! This can't be good!

Dr. Niles Crane:
No, it IS good. Let it all out, Frasier, let it all out, good, that's right. [Frasier carries on] That's probably enough now, okay.

Martin Crane:
How much more can be in there?

Dr. Niles Crane:
Okay, alright, yeah. That's probably enough now. [to Martin] I don't think I can get him to stop.

Martin Crane:
But this is sickening!

Daphne Moon:
What're we gonna do?

Martin Crane:
Somebody get that Monte Cristo in there!

Daphne Moon:
[Frasier is having a hysterical breakdown] Well don't blame this on me! She brought the bloody tape over!

Roz Doyle:
Oh, so this is all my fault? You saw that tape!

Daphne Moon:
I've seen your baby too, she could stand to miss a meal or two!

Roz Doyle:
She's a healthy baby!

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[sending Daphne to the storage room with a heavy box she just brought up] Thank you, Daphne, and when you're done with that I need you to run some errands for me. I need a very sturdy lemon zester, some more music paper some potting soil, and an easel.

Daphne Moon:
Oh, be happy to! [Niles comes in behind her] Then after that maybe I can draw a bath, strip you naked and scrub you with a loofah, would that be alright, Dr. Crane?

Dr. Niles Crane:
Yes.

Daphne Moon:
[turns around and laughs] Oh, I didn't even see you standing there!

Dr. Frasier Crane:
What child wouldn't be thrilled with a coconut death mask on his birthday?

[Frasier is being bailed out after being arrested for soliciting a prostitute]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Dad, you don't understand. All that happened was...

Crystal:
[obviously a man] Bye, Dr. Crane, sorry I got you arrested.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Oh, that's all right, Crystal, these things happen.

[turns to Martin and Niles]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
He had a wig on!

Martin Crane:
You're my son and I love you.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Oh, will you stop saying that?

[Frasier mistakenly picked up a woman who turned out to be a prostitute, and then a transvestite]

Daphne Moon:
Look, Dr. Crane, I just wanted to say, you're the victim here.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Thank you.

Daphne Moon:
Yeah, American society's so close-minded when it comes to sexual experimentation. In Europe...

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Daphne, I didn't do anything wrong!

Daphne Moon:
Well, exactly! That's what I'm trying to say!

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Here, sit down for a second, son. I, I've got something I've gotta talk to you about. For the next couple of days, you're going to hear some rather nasty stories and some snide jokes about your old man...

Frederick Gaylord Crane:
Mom's coming?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
No, no she's not. It's very hard for me to tell you this, but I just spent the night in jail.

Frederick Gaylord Crane:
Wow! Like Brad Johnson's dad.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Well, that was different. Insider trading is wrong.

[before Frederick's birthday party, Niles is dipping balloons into a glass of water, then twirling them in the air to dry]

Martin Crane:
Should I even ask?

Dr. Niles Crane:
These balloons come in an unsealed package, covered in some mysterious dust, straight from some southeast Asian sweatshop. Doesn't that worry you?

Martin Crane:
Oh, you bet it does. I remember back in Korea, we'd crouch in our foxholes, scared to death those bastards were gonna drop balloons on us.

[Frederick is coming for a visit]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Actually, it was Lilith's turn this year to have him for his birthday, but apparently there was an accident at the lab. One of her monkeys bit her on the tongue.

Roz Doyle:
[afraid to ask] What exactly was she doing with the monkey?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
She was teaching them sign language. I guess one of them made a disparaging remark about her new haircut, and she stuck her tongue out.

Roz Doyle:
Wow. How bad does a haircut have to be for a monkey to hate it?

[the phone rings, Daphne answers]

Daphne Moon:
Hello? Yes, who's calling, please...? Wiwif? Anyone here know a Wiwif?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Oh, Lilith!

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Chivalry may be on life support, but it's not dead.

[Bebe tells him she's found a prime offer with another station]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Well, it's very tempting, Bebe, but I'm very happy here in Seattle. I don't want to leave.

Bebe Glazer:
Darling, it's San Francisco! Do you know what life is like there for a good-looking straight man? You'll be like a Snickers bar at a fat camp!

Martin Crane:
Ronee! While we're young!

Ronee Lawrence:
Too late!

Dr. Frasier Crane:
All right, that's it! I want you all out of here! And I do not mean a leisurely exit, I mean a break-neck, trampling-each-other, this-theatre's-on-fire stampede!

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[playing Scrabble] Because it's not a word.

Charlotte:
Yes, it is.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
No, it's not.

Charlotte:
Yes, it is.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Use it in a sentence.

Charlotte:
"Her grandmother's bed was warm and... quilty."

Dr. Frasier Crane:
And why is she lying there? Because she's feeling all "befevered" again?

Charlotte:
[smiling sweetly] Could I borrow your "F"? I've got a little message for you.

Dr. Niles Crane:
Frasier...!

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Niles...!

Dr. Frasier Crane, Dr. Niles Crane:
Disaster!

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[regarding Daphne's mumbling brother, Stephen] Do you have any idea what he's saying?

Dr. Niles Crane:
Not a word. Apparently Stephen was dropped as a child.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Well, I thought the mumbler was Michael.

Dr. Niles Crane:
He was dropped on Michael. The idea that our son might take after them is making me crazy!

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Now Niles, just remember, those hearty Crane genes are in there, too.

Dr. Niles Crane:
Oh, please. Those Moon genes have probably beaten our genes up and stolen their lunch money!

[last lines]

Frasier:
Wish me luck.

[to Niles and Daphne's baby son]

Martin Crane:
Hey, David, remember me? I'm your grandpa.

Ronee Lawrence:
Yes, and I'm your... Sorry, I just, I can't say it yet.

Frasier:
"It may be that the gulfs will wash us down, It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles, and though We are not now that strength which in old days Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are."

[dissolve to Frasier's final broadcast]

Frasier:
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will, To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield." I've been thinking about that poem a lot lately. And I think what it says is that, while it's tempting to play it safe, the more we're willing to risk, the more alive we are. In the end, what we regret most are the chances we never took. And I hope that explains a little this journey on which I'm about to embark. I have loved every minute with my KACL family and all of you. For eleven years you have heard me say, "I'm listening." Well, you were listening too. And for that I am eternally grateful. Goodnight, Seattle.

Dr. Niles Crane:
[to Frasier] I'll miss the coffees

Frasier:
Oh please, nobody refers to having sex as "getting lucky" anymore.

Niles:
I do.

Frasier:
[surprised to find his father's date spent the night] So, what did you two kids do last night? Play some games? - I mean board games. - Not that you were bored - or excited - not that I'd know anything - or should - but... warm buns, Elaine! No, not yours! Ours, ours! To eat, you see!

Frasier:
Oh, I do a great deal of shopping there. In fact I bought the comforter on Dad's bed there. Well, I suppose you noticed that. - or or or, maybe you didn't - I mean, I don't know if you had the lights on - [Daphne puts a plate of sausages on the table] Banger, Dad?

Daphne:
I've been sending Elaine psychic messages all day.

Frasier:
You can transmit? I thought you were just a receiver.

Daphne:
Well, I'm giving it a try. You know - "Elaine in 1410, come to dinner! Come to dinner!

Frasier:
Well that's very charming, but Elaine's in 1412.

Daphne:
Oh dear. I guess I'd better set another place at the table.

Frasier:
Thank you for your call, Jeanine. Roz, whom do we have next?

Roz Doyle:
We have Ethan on line three, and he's having a little problem at school.

Frasier:
Hello, Ethan. I'm listening.

Ethan:
Hi, Dr. Crane.

Frasier:
How old are you?

Ethan:
I'm thirteen.

Frasier:
Well, uh, what can I do for you?

Ethan:
Well, I'm having a lot of problems with the other kids at school. They're always beating me up.

Frasier:
Why do you think that's so?

Ethan:
Probably because I'm smart. I have a 160 IQ. I'm in the astronomy club and I hate sports.

Frasier:
Well, Ethan, you know, the other children are just acting out of jealousy and immaturity, and I know it doesn't help much right now, but the day will come in the next few years when you will have the last laugh.

Ethan:
That's it?

Frasier:
Yes.

Ethan:
Frankly, Dr. Crane, I find that advice patronizing, simplistic, and in all candor, uninspired. The real surprise here is they pay you to dole out this balloon juice.

Frasier:
Ethan, where are you calling from?

Ethan:
Home.

Frasier:
Well, if any of Ethan's classmates are listening, you know where he is, and he can't stay in there forever. Thank you for your call.

Lilith:
Daphne, Niles, congratulations on the successful commingling of your genetic material.

Daphne:
Thank you.

Lilith:
Do you know the sex?

Niles:
DO we? It's how we got pregnant!

Daphne:
Instead of playing games, why don't you just try talking to her?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
We tried talking when we were married. We found we were better at playing games.

[Gil and Martin are snacking at the Halloween party]

Gil Chesterson:
Oh, my, what a delectable medley of fromagian splendor. You must try one.

Martin:
[picks up a cheese cube and eats it] Mmm... cheesy.

Gil Chesterson:
Mmm, yes, "cheesy." Le mot juste. Must be glorious to have such a happy knack for clarity and concision.

Martin:
Yep. So who are you supposed to be?

Gil Chesterson:
Chingachgook. I'm the last of the Mohicans.

Martin:
Oh... Well... that little mystery solved.

[Roz comes to the Halloween Party dressed in a saucy S&M outfit]

Daphne:
Wow. Roz, don't you look smashing.

Eve:
What an interesting costume, who are you?

Roz:
I'm O. from the "Story of O."

Everyone:
Ohhh...

Roz:
It's gonna be a long night.

Niles:
Pardon me, I need a moment alone with my brother.

Frasier:
Not now, Niles. I'm doing really well here. This pointy hat is a babe magnet.

Daphne:
Join me in my bedchamber, my lord?

Frasier:
After you, my juicy wench!

Niles:
"My juicy wench?" [into phone] No, no, not you, Maris! Wait, wait! [to Frasier] I hope you're happy, she's run for her water pills!

Roz:
No one is more careful than I am when it comes to birth control. But then again, even the best protection is only effective ninety-nine out of a hundred times. I can't beat those odds.

Frasier:
Yes, I suppose you've been dodging that bullet for a long time now.

Frasier:
Oh, Roz! Oh, I'm so glad you came! Any word from the doctor?

Roz:
No, and I am going crazy. I can't even picture myself as a mother, can you?

Frasier:
[she removes her trench coat; she's decked out in a saucy black leather S&M outfit.] Well, I don't think discipline will be a problem.

Daphne:
I think you look particularly lovely tonight. There's a real glow about you.

Roz:
Oh no! Oh God, not a glow! [calms down] I'm sorry, I'm just a little jumpy. I had...kind of an accident, and I just haven't found out what the damage is yet. Actually, I need to check my machine. Do you know where a phone is?

Daphne:
Yeah, there's one at the top of the stairs.

Roz:
Thank you.

Daphne:
Try not to worry. A few years back, I got rear-ended. Is that what happened to you?

Roz:
Not exactly.

Frasier:
Daphne, have you seen Roz?

Daphne:
Probably on the phone. Seems like every fifteen minutes she's calling her machine again. This little accident's got her pretty worried.

Frasier:
She told you about it?

Niles:
[tipsy, with two glasses] Champagne?

Frasier:
Oh, not now, Niles. Excuse us, we need a moment alone. [He pulls Daphne aside to a corner of the room.]

Daphne:
Roz told me all about it. It's no big deal. Accidents happen even when you're being careful. I had one meself a few years back.

Frasier:
Oh, Daphne, really?

Daphne:
Yeah. It was one of those real wham-bam numbers. He was drunk and I wasn't paying attention...

Frasier:
Oh...

Daphne:
I called and called, but never got a penny out of him.

Frasier:
I had no idea!

Daphne:
Oh, it's not that bad. For goodness' sake, back in Manchester, what with all those drunken louts out and about, it must have happened to me at least a dozen times.

Frasier:
Roz, who's on the line?

Roz:
On line 4, we have, uh, Ted, who is feeling a little disconnected.

Frasier:
Go ahead, Ted.

[Roz tries to put Ted on the phone, but accidentally hangs up on him instead]

Frasier:
Well, I hope Ted appreciates irony.

[Frasier, Roz, Niles, Bulldog, and Bulldog's dyslexic girlfriend are doing a radio play]

Maxine:
Look out, he's got a nug.

Daphne:
[rehearsing for a radio play] Sound of door opening.

Roz:
[with a mouthful of food] Infpactar, fhank goddies oo cam.

Frasier:
Stop the watch. Roz, I have a line here that says, "When she opened her lips I caught a hint of some mixed exotic accent." You will notice it does not say, "When she opened her lips cheese fell out".

Gil Chesterton:
[Gil's 'Boyhood in Surrey' speech has been cut from the radio mystery] I'm dying...

Frasier:
Poor man was gone.

Gil Chesterton:
Never again to revisit the scene of my boyhood in Surrey [makes triumphant face at Frasier] , romping with my schoolchums in the thins and spinneys...

Frasier:
[fake gunshot] Just then, the lights went out again. Nigel Fairservice was shot again!

Gil Chesterton:
Only grazed me! When the twilight bathed the hedgerows like a lum...

Frasier:
[fake gunshot] The final bullet blew his head clean off his shoulders!

Dr. Niles Crane:
[as the German butler, Hans] All right, all right, it's true! I'm not what I appear! None of us is! I'm not a butler; I'm not even... [in normal voice]... German.

Dr. Niles Crane:
Sit down, Inspector, you're about to hear a fascinating tale. Each of us holds a piece of the puzzle to relate to you. [Frasier is directing Niles, to Niles' dismay] When we're finished, you'll know the full, dark tale.

Roz:
[In an odd voice] Are you sure we should, Hans?

Dr. Niles Crane:
Be quiet, Mother! [Frasier cues organ music and continues directing Niles] Mother and I moved here after the tragic death of my father. [Angrily] I kept the pain of that loss buried deep within me like a... serpent... coiled within a... dark... cave. [Fed up with Frasier] Okay, that's it. Never mind all that. I'm just going to take this gun off the table. [Fake gunshot] So long, O'Toole; I guess we'll never get to hear your fascinating piece of the puzzle. [Two fake gunshots] Or yours, Kraegan and *Peppo!* Could the McCallister sisters stand back to back, I'm short on bullets? [Fake gunshot] Thank you. [to Roz] What was your name again, dear?

Roz:
Ms. Thorndyke...

Dr. Niles Crane:
[Fake gunshot] Thank you. Oh, and also Mr. Wing [Fake gunshot, and sound of muted bell on Mr. Wing's hat] . And, of course, one final bullet for myself, so the mystery will die with me [Fake gunshot] .

Dr. Niles Crane:
[Weakly] HA.

Frasier:
The people of Dad's generation would sit around the radio every night, absolutely mesmerized.

Martin:
We were a simple people.

Daphne:
[listening to Frasier's radio play spiral out of control] My god, it's turning into a bloodbath!

Dr. Niles Crane:
[as the German butler, Hans] All right, all right, it's true! I'm not what I appear! None of us is! I'm not a butler; I'm not even...

[in normal voice]

Dr. Niles Crane:
...German. Sit down, Inspector, you're about to hear a fascinating tale. Each of us holds a piece of the puzzle to relate to you.

[Frasier is directing Niles, to Niles' dismay]

Dr. Niles Crane:
When we're finished, you'll know the full, dark tale.

Roz:
[in an odd voice] Are you sure we should, Hans?

Dr. Niles Crane:
Be quiet, mother!

[Frasier cues organ music and continues directing Niles]

Dr. Niles Crane:
Mother and I moved here after the tragic death of my father.

[as Frasier directs, Niles gets more and more frustrated]

Dr. Niles Crane:
I kept the pain of that loss buried deep within me like a... serpent... coiled within a... dark... cave. Okay, that's it! Never mind all that. I'm just going to take this gun off the table.

[fake gunshot]

Dr. Niles Crane:
So long, O'Toole; I guess we'll never get to hear your fascinating piece of the puzzle.

[two fake gunshots]

Dr. Niles Crane:
Or yours, Kraegan and *Peppo*! Could the McCallister sisters stand back to back? I'm short on bullets.

[fake gunshot]

Dr. Niles Crane:
Thank you.

[to Roz]

Dr. Niles Crane:
What was your name again, dear?

Roz:
Mrs. Thorndyke.

Dr. Niles Crane:
[fake gunshot] Thank you. Oh, and also Mr. Wing.

[fake gunshot, and sound of muted bell on Mr. Wing's hat]

Dr. Niles Crane:
And, of course, one final bullet for myself, so the mystery will die with me.

[fake gunshot]

Dr. Niles Crane:
[weakly] HA.

Frasier:
I spoke with the station manager. He's given me thirty minutes to recreate the very first mystery KACL ever aired, "Nightmare Inn".

Martin:
Oh, don't tell me... a bunch of people get caught in a storm, and everybody's wondering who's going to be the first one murdered.

Frasier:
Exactly. And I'm going to direct.

Dr. Niles Crane:
So we can stop wondering.

Frasier:
[Frasier is directing a rehearsal of "Nightmare Inn" in his living room] I'm still not entirely happy with the second McAllister sister. She doesn't sound spinsterish enough for me.

Mel White:
I see. You also told me that me gamekeeper sounded too cultured, that my Irishman sounded more Protestant than Catholic, and that my dwarf was too tall. [walks to the front door] Let me try Hans again; tell me how my German is sounding. [opens the door] I qvit! [walks out, slamming door]

Frasier:
[finishing his broadcast] Well, that's our show for today, but let me remind you to tune in on Saturday night for KACL's presentation of "Nightmare Inn". Just set your dials for goosebumps. Till then, this is Dr. Frasier Crane reminding you that you never know what's lurking in the shadows. [laughs diabolically, goes off-air]

Roz:
Well, that should certainly comfort the woman who called in about her paranoia.

Frasier:
Listen, Niles, I'd like you to do my show for me, for the week I'm gone.

Niles:
Me standing in for you? I'm sorry, Frasier. I couldn't presume to fill those big floppy red shoes of yours.

Frasier:
Please, please, Niles! Look, I'm begging you! You know, the station wants to replace me with Helen Grogan, better known as Ma Nature. She does a gardening show, and I'm just a little worried that a week of discussing well-rotted manure will weaken my listener base.

Niles:
It hasn't yet.

[Roz checks out one of Bulldog's guests, a pro basketball player]

Roz:
Can I ask you a favor?

Bulldog:
Yeah, forget it. He's married!

Roz:
Hey! That's pretty offensive. Why did you assume that's what I wanted?

Bulldog:
Okay, then. What did you want?

Roz:
Well... I don't know. I just wondered if...

Bulldog:
[blowing a horn in her face] Time's up.

[Niles's counseling has turned around a basketball player's game, making him the toast of Seattle]

Niles:
I must admit I find this all a bit mystifying. Do people really care this much about a basketball game?

Roz:
Are you kidding? This is Seattle. It rains nine months out of the year. We take our indoor sports very seriously.

Niles:
Well, I know you always have!

Roz:
[forcing a smile] You're a hero today so I'm going to let that one go.

[Niles's counseling has turned around a basketball player's game, making him the toast of Seattle]

Niles:
Suddenly I'm being revered as a god by the same troglodytes who, in junior high school, tried to pack me into my own briefcase. It's glorious.

[Niles gets complimentary basketball tickets]

Niles:
Tell me, does one still wear a white sweater jauntily tied around the neck to these things?

Roz:
If one wants to get the crap beaten out of one!

[Niles, Martin, and Daphne go to a basketball game]

Martin:
Wow. Right on the hardwood, five feet from the baseline.

[Niles chuckles, then turns to Daphne]

Daphne:
It's like front row orchestra, stage right.

Martin:
Man, we're so close we're gonna get our teeth rattled when they center-pick.

[Niles turns to Daphne]

Daphne:
It's like sitting close enough to get hit by Placido Domingo's spit.

[the buzzer goes]

Niles:
What the hell was that?

Martin:
That's the end of the shooter round. The coach is about to send the starting five in for the tip-off.

[Niles turns to Daphne]

Daphne:
The stage manager just called places.

[Niles refuses to sub for Frasier during his vacation]

Frasier:
Very well. You leave me no alternative but to call in my marker.

Niles:
[nervous] What marker?

Frasier:
Oh, I think you know.

Niles:
You wouldn't.

Frasier:
I would.

Niles:
You can't!

Frasier:
I will.

Niles:
That was three years ago.

Frasier:
I don't recall there being any statute of limitations. I distinctly recall that when you asked me to go out with Maris's sister, you said that you would "owe me one forever."

Niles:
But you only spent one evening with Brie. That hardly compares with what you're asking me to endure.

Frasier:
Oh? Shall I refresh your memory? Midway through the opera her ermine muff began to tremble. As it turned out she had used it to smuggle in her adorably incontinent Chihuahua. Just as I thought we'd reached the low point of the evening I suddenly felt a sandpaper tongue licking my earlobe. Alas it did not belong to little Herv! Fortunately my shriek coincided with the on-stage murder of Gondolfo! Roz will expect you on Monday at two.

Niles:
For your information, Brie had a very tough row to hoe growing up. It's not easy going through life with one nostril.

Frasier:
Did I mention she had a cold that night?

Niles:
...Monday at two it is.

[while Niles is filling in for Frasier]

Bulldog:
Hey, Dr. Doolittle! I heard your show. It didn't suck!

Niles:
Ah. "Dear Diary...

Bulldog:
So, how's it feel?

Niles:
Like I'm walking away from my lamppost, and counting the bills in my garter belt.

Niles:
That last piece of sabotage was not amusing.

Roz:
[chortling] Then why did milk come out of my nose?

Daphne:
Oh isn't this nice? Dr Crane sent us a post card from Aspen.

Martin:
Great. How's he doin?

Daphne:
Lets see. I delivered a speech at the conference last night. I was especially pleased with my opening line. 'My fellow psychiatrists: As I watched you on the slopes today, I realized I'd never seen so many Freudians slip.'

Daphne:
[interrupting Martin who's been complaining about a game on TV] Shh! Quiet! This is my favorite commercial!

Daphne:
[yelling at the TV] No! Don't pick that floor cleaner, it'll give your floors waxy build-up!

Daphne:
[still yelling at the TV] No! Don't do it! Don't do it! - D-oh-h [Martin rolls his eyes]

[Niles' hair has secretly become a 'lucky rabbit's foot' to a pro basketball player]

Reggie McLemore:
Man, where have you been? I've got to be on the court in five minutes! [he reaches to rub Niles' head]

Niles:
[Niles quickly halts Reggie's hand a moment before Reggie's security guard can see what just happened] Stop! Before you rub your hands all over me, we need to talk.

Reggie McLemore:
[the guard gives them both an askance glance] What's up?

Niles:
Well, I'll come right to the point. This entire affair has grown out of control. I-I need to end it.

Reggie McLemore:
[Pfft] What are you saying? You're not coming down here any more?

Niles:
Well... no. We can still see each other - to talk, but no *touching*. [the guard now furrows his brow]

Niles:
That part of our relationship is *over*. [the guard is now actively glaring at them]

Niles:
[to the guard] Does this concern you?

Guard:
It's starting to. [guard walks away]

Reggie McLemore:
Aw, come on, Dude. [Reggie reaches again for Niles' head]

Niles:
[Niles quickly halts Reggie's hand mid-air] No! Now listen... Do you really expect me to drop what I'm doing and race down here every day just so you can run your fingers over my head?

Reggie McLemore:
[wondering what's the problem] Y-Yeah.

Niles:
[Niles briefly gathers his thoughts] Listen to me closely. You are a gifted athlete with tremendous skill. Marshal your talents. Concentrate. Focus. The key to your success is to trust your own God-given ability. It has nothing to do with my head!

Reggie McLemore:
[after a long thought] It must be your hair.

Niles:
Will you *stop* it? You're obsessing! [just then the guard re-enters]

Reggie McLemore:
[Reggie reaches for Niles] Come on, man. Just let me touch it! [the guard silently turns and walks away again]

Niles:
[Niles realizes what's happened, then refocuses] No! [Reggie sighs]

Niles:
You have to look at this logically. I can't come down here for every game, and I certainly can't go with you when the team is on tour. This is not a long-term solution. What you need is legitimate therapy. If you want to start, come inside. I'll give you a quick session. We can proceed from there.

Reggie McLemore:
[ponders] Yeah. You're right, Doc. I mean, what I need is a long-term solution.

Niles:
Good! [Niles quickly walks off for their session]

Reggie McLemore:
[Reggie spots a pair of scissors, picks them up and hides them behind his back as he follows after Niles] Coming, Doc.

[Reggie offers Niles a high-five]

Niles:
Oh, wait, I saw this. It has steps!

Daphne:
And you know as well as I do that history is full of sexy limpers. For instance, Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Of course he didn't limp so much as roll. Oh, I know, Toulouse Lautrec. Although he was rather a little person. Still, he did rather well with the ladies. Of course, they were all prostitutes. But then again, he was French and there's no explaining their taste.

Martin:
What's your point?

Daphne:
I guess I don't have one.

Martin:
She's not my girlfriend.

Frasier:
Oh please. You two have been exchanging notes for the last three days. If you were in the sixth grade, you'd be sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

Martin:
How's Freddie?

Frasier:
Oh, Frederick is fine. Oh, he sends his love. He said to thank you for the toy gun you gave him. At least what he can remember of it before Lilith smashed it to bits with a croquet mallet.

Martin:
Thanks, Frasier. You know, I guess I don't say it often enough but you're a good kid.

Frasier:
Well, thanks Dad. You know, there's something I don't say often enough...

Martin:
There's nothing you don't say often enough.

Martin:
See if I've got this tie on right?

Daphne:
Just needs a minor adjustment. What's all this hair on it?

Martin:
The only way I can get the knot right is if I tie it on Eddie first.

Martin:
Well, it's a long time since I've been dating. Have things changed much in the last forty years?

Frasier:
Well, the wardrobe's a little different, but... your ultimate goal is still the same.

Frasier:
Now let's see, you got a hanky in there?

Martin:
Yep.

Frasier:
Terrific, alright. Have you got your keys?

Martin:
Yeah.

Frasier:
You're not going to be out too late, are you?

Martin:
Frasier...!

Frasier:
Dad, I'm just busting your chops here.