Frasier

Dr. Frasier Crane, a successful Boston therapist, moves to Seattle to get a new start on life; he has a radio talk show, which he uses to relay his wit and wisdom to others, but at times he struggles with his own problems with his salt-of-the-earth father, his pretentious brother and his friends and co-workers.

Genre: Comedy
  Won 3 Golden Globes. Another 127 wins & 272 nominations.
 
IMDB:
8.0
TV-PG
Year:
1993
22
7,506 Views

[having gone out of his way to cheer everyone up on his father's birthday, everyone is abandoning Frasier's planned celebration to join a party downstairs]

Frasier:
No, no thank you. I'm not really in the mood any more.

Daphne:
Oh, don't be a party pooper.

Martin:
Ah, leave him. He's always been this way.

Frasier:
Excuse me! Just-just a second! I think it's time we learnt what it is to walk in the shoes of this particular party pooper. I spend the damn week administering to the troubled and the neurotic and the just plain goofy, and then I hang up my earphones and it doesn't end there! Out on the street, in the cafe, even in this building. More people. More problems. I suppose they think it's okay, it's what I do. But every time I try to help them it costs me a little piece of myself. A little bit here, a little bit there, a little bit here, a little bit there... until I end up feeling like a zebra carcass on the Serengeti surrounded by burping vultures! Well, this happened to be one of those weeks. I had my escape planned. I was going to come home for an evening of fun with my extended family. What do I get? I get the four of you going at each other like the Borgias on a bad day! So I roll up my sleeves, and I tend to each one of you. And you all feel better. And the minute you get a whiff of mesquite coming from down below, you are out the door! Without so much as a 'thank you'! Well, thank you for the invitation, but I am, frankly, fed up with people and their problems. The doctor is out.

Frasier:
[a doggie shrink has come to examine depressed Eddie] I don't whether my father told you, but my brother and I happen to be psychiatrists.

Dr. Arnold Shaw:
Oh, how nice, I always enjoy being in company of colleages.

Niles:
I'm sorry, did you say 'colleages' or 'Collies?' [Niles and Frasier laugh]

Dr. Arnold Shaw:
[gives them a snide look] Very clever, very clever. So, shall we begin? [to Eddie] Hello, Eddie, I'm Dr. Shaw. And I'm here to get to know you and help you get better. You're very sad, aren't you? It's okay to be sad, sometimes I'm sad, too. We're going to spend the next hour trying to figure out why you're sad.

Frasier:
If you give a dog an hour, you can bill him for seven! [He and Niles laugh again]

Dr. Arnold Shaw:
I'm sorry, I get the feeling that some of us aren't taking this seriously.

Frasier:
I apologize; it all just seems a bit silly.

Dr. Arnold Shaw:
Silly? I have you know I just attended the funeral of one Buttons McFarlen whose owners felt the same way. [Niles and Frasier stifle snickers and Martin waves his cane at them] First, I'd like to administer a dog personality profile quiz I developed. My first questions are based on how you think Eddie might behave if you were a human being.

Frasier:
Oh boy!

Niles:
Here we go!

Daphne Moon:
[whisper to boys:] Shush, this isn't a joke! This is very serious.

Dr. Arnold Shaw:
If human Eddie were planning a dinner party, what might he serve?

Martin:
I'd say meatloaf. Not the plain kind, but the one with the fancy tomato soup glaze on top.

Niles:
It might be a bit underdone though, he has trouble reaching the knobs on the stove. [He and Frasier laugh]

Daphne Moon:
Poached salmon... I don't know why!

Dr. Arnold Shaw:
Interesting. Question two: What do you imagine human Eddie's first words to be?

Frasier:
Well, I should hope: 'Give me a breath mint!' [laughs] I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Right, next one.

Dr. Arnold Shaw:
What do you imagine would be human Eddie's favorite cologne?

Martin:
Rock Revelver... It's a little strong but I think he can pull it off.

Daphne Moon:
Grey Flannel... I don't know why!

Frasier:
Cologne? Well, actually I think he would prefer toilet water!

Niles:
By the way, same answer for favorite beverage! [He and Frasier laugh loudly and high-five each other]

Dr. Arnold Shaw:
I'm sensing a lot of hostility here.

Frasier:
Well, I'm sorry, but I don't see the point. What is any of this telling you about Eddie?

Dr. Arnold Shaw:
The point was not to learn about Eddie but was to learn about all of you and might I say... [glares at the brothers] mission accomplished!

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[a delirious and drug-overdosed Frasier has returned to the station] Hello, Seattle, I'm back! This is Dr. Frasier Crane. I promise I will never leave you again. So, let's take our first caller. Hello, I'm listening.

Robert:
Hi, Dr. Crane. Thanks for taking my call. I'm a little nervous, okay? My name is Robert.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
And your name is...?

Robert:
My name is Robert.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Oh, I'm sorry. We've already had a Robert on the show today. Goodbye! [disconnects him]

Roz Doyle:
[on the office phone] Tony, it's Roz. Could you get security up here? Captain Kirk's got control of the bridge and he's gone insane.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[takes another call] Who is this?

Janice:
I'm Janice.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Well, Janice, what's your problem?

Janice:
Well, I'm having a problem breaking through a barrier with my in-laws.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Boring! [disconnects her]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Hello! You're on the crane with Frasier Air!

Marjorie:
Hi, Dr. Crane. This is Marjorie. You see, I'm... I'm having a problem with my boss. He doesn't seem to respect me, and I don't have the courage to confront him.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
OK, OK, Marjorie. Well, let's, let's see... Let's do a little role-playing, OK? Look, I'll be your boss, you be yourself, you be Marjorie... and uh - come on in and talk to me in a very forceful way. Tell me what you think, and you just might be surprised by what happens!

Marjorie:
Well, OK. "Listen, Mr. Ross. I've worked for this company for six years and I've never missed a day. But you've constantly promoted people less qualified than I am and I don't think that's fair."

Dr. Frasier Crane:
"Well, Marjorie, I must say I admire your forthrightness and uh... I wished more of my employees came and spoke to me with an open mind. You know, you're going to get that promotion!"

Marjorie:
Hey, that was great!

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[excited] Yeah! Wasn't it? Wasn't it? OK, it's my turn! I'm Marjorie and you're the boss now! Come on! Come on... [Niles and security arrive and hustle him out]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Hi, we're back. As most of my faithful listeners know, every year I compose a parable that I hope will illuminate the spirit of the Christmas season. So without any further ado, I give you "The Story of Olaf, the lonely little goatherd."

[He plays a tape of barnyard noises. Bulldog and Gil sneak in via Roz's booth]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[reading] "Once upon a time, there lived a lonely little goatherd. He had no family, and no playthings, so to amuse himself, one day he carved a little wooden flute..."'

[Bulldog and Gil drape him in tinsel and lights]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[ignoring them] "A flute that he used to play during the long, lonely evenings. And the tune it made was very lovely, and all the people in the village below could hear the pure, glorious sound..."

[mutes the microphone]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
This is all very amusing, but nothing you can do is going to distract me!

[Bulldog plugs in the lights, and he and Gil laugh]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[keeps reading] "One day, the son of a wealthy merchant heard the music, and while that boy had all the toys in the world, he was jealous of this little goatherd's flute."

[Bulldog tries to burn Frasier's script with a cigarette lighter]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
"So, one dark-"

[blows out Bulldog's lighter]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
"-night, one dark-"

[blows it out again]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
-windy night, The merchant's son stole his precious instrument, but when he took that flute home, he couldn't make it play. So he smashed the flute to bits."

[Bulldog and Gil return with Candy, a stripper disguised under a Santa costume]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
"When the little goatherd came down the mountain the next day, and saw his flute was broken..."

[Candy whips off her belt and jacket to reveal a fur-lined bra]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
YIKES!..."He might have said that, but instead he forgave the merchant's son. And the wealthy merchant adopted the little goatherd, and..."

[Candy rips off her pants, revealing a garter belt and lacy underwear]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
OH, MAMA!..."he said, upon meeting the merchant's wife, and somewhere along the way, he learned the true meaning of Christmas." This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you a truly blessed and forgiving holiday.

[off the air]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
There now, you see? Nice try. Miss Kane's delightful performance aside, this just proves the power of my message cannot be stayed... for God's sakes, what am I, a robot?

[He grabs Candy and kisses her passionately]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
And to all a good night.

Dr. Niles Crane:
[as the German butler, Hans] All right, all right, it's true! I'm not what I appear! None of us is! I'm not a butler; I'm not even...

[in normal voice]

Dr. Niles Crane:
...German. Sit down, Inspector, you're about to hear a fascinating tale. Each of us holds a piece of the puzzle to relate to you.

[Frasier is directing Niles, to Niles' dismay]

Dr. Niles Crane:
When we're finished, you'll know the full, dark tale.

Roz:
[in an odd voice] Are you sure we should, Hans?

Dr. Niles Crane:
Be quiet, mother!

[Frasier cues organ music and continues directing Niles]

Dr. Niles Crane:
Mother and I moved here after the tragic death of my father.

[as Frasier directs, Niles gets more and more frustrated]

Dr. Niles Crane:
I kept the pain of that loss buried deep within me like a... serpent... coiled within a... dark... cave. Okay, that's it! Never mind all that. I'm just going to take this gun off the table.

[fake gunshot]

Dr. Niles Crane:
So long, O'Toole; I guess we'll never get to hear your fascinating piece of the puzzle.

[two fake gunshots]

Dr. Niles Crane:
Or yours, Kraegan and *Peppo*! Could the McCallister sisters stand back to back? I'm short on bullets.

[fake gunshot]

Dr. Niles Crane:
Thank you.

[to Roz]

Dr. Niles Crane:
What was your name again, dear?

Roz:
Mrs. Thorndyke.

Dr. Niles Crane:
[fake gunshot] Thank you. Oh, and also Mr. Wing.

[fake gunshot, and sound of muted bell on Mr. Wing's hat]

Dr. Niles Crane:
And, of course, one final bullet for myself, so the mystery will die with me.

[fake gunshot]

Dr. Niles Crane:
[weakly] HA.

[Niles' hair has secretly become a 'lucky rabbit's foot' to a pro basketball player]

Reggie McLemore:
Man, where have you been? I've got to be on the court in five minutes! [he reaches to rub Niles' head]

Niles:
[Niles quickly halts Reggie's hand a moment before Reggie's security guard can see what just happened] Stop! Before you rub your hands all over me, we need to talk.

Reggie McLemore:
[the guard gives them both an askance glance] What's up?

Niles:
Well, I'll come right to the point. This entire affair has grown out of control. I-I need to end it.

Reggie McLemore:
[Pfft] What are you saying? You're not coming down here any more?

Niles:
Well... no. We can still see each other - to talk, but no *touching*. [the guard now furrows his brow]

Niles:
That part of our relationship is *over*. [the guard is now actively glaring at them]

Niles:
[to the guard] Does this concern you?

Guard:
It's starting to. [guard walks away]

Reggie McLemore:
Aw, come on, Dude. [Reggie reaches again for Niles' head]

Niles:
[Niles quickly halts Reggie's hand mid-air] No! Now listen... Do you really expect me to drop what I'm doing and race down here every day just so you can run your fingers over my head?

Reggie McLemore:
[wondering what's the problem] Y-Yeah.

Niles:
[Niles briefly gathers his thoughts] Listen to me closely. You are a gifted athlete with tremendous skill. Marshal your talents. Concentrate. Focus. The key to your success is to trust your own God-given ability. It has nothing to do with my head!

Reggie McLemore:
[after a long thought] It must be your hair.

Niles:
Will you *stop* it? You're obsessing! [just then the guard re-enters]

Reggie McLemore:
[Reggie reaches for Niles] Come on, man. Just let me touch it! [the guard silently turns and walks away again]

Niles:
[Niles realizes what's happened, then refocuses] No! [Reggie sighs]

Niles:
You have to look at this logically. I can't come down here for every game, and I certainly can't go with you when the team is on tour. This is not a long-term solution. What you need is legitimate therapy. If you want to start, come inside. I'll give you a quick session. We can proceed from there.

Reggie McLemore:
[ponders] Yeah. You're right, Doc. I mean, what I need is a long-term solution.

Niles:
Good! [Niles quickly walks off for their session]

Reggie McLemore:
[Reggie spots a pair of scissors, picks them up and hides them behind his back as he follows after Niles] Coming, Doc.

Bulldog:
[Frasier is trying to snap Bulldog out of it] Doc, Doc, you're hurting my head here. Can you stop being a shrink and just be like a guy?

Frasier:
[to himself] Like a guy. Like a guy. [pauses] SCREW HER!

Bulldog:
What?

Frasier:
[angrily] Yeah, you don't need her. She's trash!

Bulldog:
Yeah, that's right.

Frasier:
You're better off without her; We both are!

Bulldog:
I like the sound of this.

Frasier:
Yeah, so do I! Unattractive, yet liberating, rather like the one and only time I wore a European bathing suit. [realizing he's going off-track] I'm sorry. SHE'S A BITCH!

Bulldog:
Hey, she wasn't even that hot!

Frasier:
You're right. All she did was save you the trouble of having to dump her!

Bulldog:
[cheering up] I never thought about that.

Frasier:
There you go!

Bulldog:
I'm feeling a little better, Doc!

Frasier:
That's right!

Bulldog:
Thanks. It's great talking to you! [holds out his hand]

Frasier:
[shaking his hand] Likewise. You know, I could talk like this for another thirty seconds.

Frasier:
[walking back in the booth with Bulldog] She was nothing! She was less than nothing! Tomorrow you're gonna find someone even hotter and you know what you're gonna do?

Bulldog:
What?

Frasier:
You're gonna have your fun with her and then you're gonna dump her just for the hell of it!

Bulldog:
Yeah, dump her!

Frasier:
And you know what? You're not gonna feel bad about it at all. You know why? Because we're GUYS and THAT'S WHAT GUYS DO! [walks out of booth]

Niles:
[in corridor] Distressing news, Frasier. Francois gave away our table.

Frasier:
SCREW HIM!

Niles:
[shocked] Excuse me?

Frasier:
You heard what I said! We don't need him or his stinky little restaurant! There are plenty of restaurants in town. I say we go somewhere we don't even need a reservation! [Niles slaps him, snapping him out of his Bulldog mode] Thank you.

Martin Crane:
Oh hi, Daphne!

Daphne Moon:
[brave smile] Hello! I'm just so excited about the gift I just got for you, Mr. Crane.

Martin Crane:
Oh, Great!

Daphne Moon:
Why don't you open it now?

Martin Crane:
Oh, I'd love to, but to tell you the truth, I don't really have much time, I'm kind of on my way out. [Daphne starts to cry] Oh, OK, all right! I'll open it now, sure, sure. I don't want to get you upset! You must be really excited about this!

Martin Crane:
[pulls gaudy sweater out of gift bag] Oh, wow! It's that sweater! The one I pointed out to you in that window! It's great! Boy, I can die a happy man now! [Daphne bursts into tears] Daphne, what's the matter, are you all right?

Daphne Moon:
Oh, Mr. Crane, I know why you've been going down to that church!

Martin Crane:
You do? Well, you're not supposed to know about that! But why is it making you so upset?

Daphne Moon:
Because I care about you! You were actually going to let this whole thing happen without ever telling a soul!

Martin Crane:
Well, yes! I don't want people staring at me in church, stiff as a board, all that makeup on my face.

Daphne Moon:
[He goes to get his coat. Daphne sinks onto the couch, crying] So... how much time have you got?

Martin Crane:
Uh, about twenty minutes.

Daphne Moon:
Twenty minutes?

Martin Crane:
Yeah, and boy, will I be glad when it's all over. This is the last Christmas pageant I'm ever signing up for!

Daphne Moon:
You're in a Christmas pageant?

Martin Crane:
Well, yeah! What did you think I was talking about?

Daphne Moon:
I thought you were dying!

Martin Crane:
What?

Daphne Moon:
Well, you'd just got your test results back, you're down at the church all the time. [Martin starts to laugh] Why are you laughing?

Martin Crane:
Well, it's funny!

Daphne Moon:
I don't think it's so bloody funny!

Martin Crane:
Are you kidding? [acts as if hanged] Oh, I'm dying!

Daphne Moon:
You will be! [hurls a pillow at him]

Frasier:
[Frasier and Roz have been exiled to the wee hours] Really stunk up the airwaves with that one, didn't we?

Roz:
Frasier, I want you to flash forward to tonight. It's sometime after midnight. Dennis Abbott and I have just had a glorious meal at Le Ralee. Dennis has just asked me back to his penthouse apartment to see his priceless collection of silk sheets. And I lean forward and whisper, "I can't. I have to go to work in an hour." What is wrong with this picture?

Frasier:
Well, for starters, you at Le Ralee. It's a two-week wait.

Roz:
So is Dennis Abbott! Frasier, we have got to get our old time slot back!

Frasier:
Don't worry, Roz, we will she just moved us to break our spirit.

Roz:
Well, she can saddle me up and ride me around the room! I can't do this again! [They leave the booth. Kate is waiting in the hallway]

Kate Costas:
Good morning!

Frasier:
Hello.

Kate Costas:
Enjoying your new time slot?

Frasier:
As a matter of fact, I found it invigorating! Didn't you, Roz? Remember that woman who called in, uh, you know, with the delusions of grandeur? Couldn't understand why nobody liked her.

Kate Costas:
Well, I hope you explained to her that it's not important that people like her, as long as they respect her.

Frasier:
Oh yes, respect is important. So is self-respect.

Kate Costas:
Oh, yes, yes, but some people - and this is so unfortunate - can't tell the difference between self-respect and pig-headedness.

Frasier:
Yes, but those people are usually rigid little demagogues who don't know the difference between the kind of respect that is earned and the kind of respect that is irrespective... of what others expect.

Kate Costas:
Isn't it sad when bad things happen to good sentences?

Frasier:
I think I made myself clear.

Kate Costas:
Well, I really do have work to do. I've got to find somebody for your old time slot - now that it's free!

Frasier:
Good luck! [Kate leaves]

Roz:
Nice going, Frasier; now she's never gonna give in.

Frasier:
Steady, Roz. She may have been able to intimidate people in other situations, but here at KACL she'll find that we are NOT a bunch of spineless twits! [Bulldog sticks his head out of a door]

Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe:
[Whispering] Hey, is she gone?

Roz Doyle:
[In the studio the morning after Frasier's on-air romp with Kate] Okay, *Fabio.* I want two things. One: you will never make another crack about my sex life. I don't care if I start dating a lumber camp.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Done.

Roz Doyle:
And two: Who's 'Dirty Girl'? [smiles]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
I *can't* tell you that.

Roz Doyle:
Oh, come on, Frasier! I swear, I won't tell a soul! [the phone rings. Roz answers it] Yes? [turns away from Frasier] Not yet, I'll call you back. [She puts the phone down and gets a glare from Frasier. Bulldog enters]

Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe:
Doc? I got one thing to say to you.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Go ahead, take your best shot.

Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe:
[in genuine admiration] I am so proud of you, man! [He hugs a very unmoved Frasier]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[sarcastic] Well, doesn't that just put the cherry on the parfait.

Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe:
Now come on, you gotta tell me - who's the mystery chick?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Bulldog, haven't you already seen? [points to newspapers] I've told half a dozen reporters that I'm not going to name names.

Roz Doyle:
[picks up a newspaper and shows it to Bulldog] Don't you see this right here? [reads] 'I Won't Fink, Says Kinky Shrink.' [Roz and Bulldog laugh; Frasier looks fed up. Roz leaves for her booth. A very uncomfortable-looking Kate creeps in through the side door]

Kate Costas:
Good afternoon, Dr Crane.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Ms. Costas.

Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe:
[to Kate] Hey, hey, you're the boss - make him tell who his playmate was.

Kate Costas:
[pained] Bulldog, this is really none of your business.

Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe:
Oh, but we got a pool going. So far, hot money's on Roz. [Roz, who has just returned, is outraged]

Roz Doyle:
What? Oh, well, thank you, but I think I have a little more self-respect than to have a quickie with a co-worker on the air! What kind of slut do they think I am? [Kate looks extremely uncomfortable]

Kate Costas:
Dr Crane, could I have a word with you in private?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Er, I'd love that, but I, I've got my show in two minutes.

Kate Costas:
Actually you don't. I'm suspending you for a week. Bulldog, you're going on. Roz - you'll have to produce.

Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe:
All right! [He slaps Roz's butt enthusiastically; Roz hits him in the stomach with her clipboard]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[to Kate] I must say, I find that a, a bit harsh, all things considered.

Kate Costas:
Yes, I can see how you might feel that way. But the station does have certain standards and it is my job to enforce them. Now if you will excuse me, I have to meet with one of last night's sponsors - The Wholesome Family Cookie Company. [She leaves]

Frasier:
[on Daphne] She's just having trouble finding men.

Roz:
[whips out her little black book] Say no more!

Frasier:
No, Roz, Roz, it's really not necessary. You do not have to donate one of your boyfriends to Daphne.

Roz:
Oh, come on, I'd be happy to.

Frasier:
But still, one hates to break up a collection.

[Niles brings coffees]

Roz:
Oh, here we go! Sven Bachman, he's an aerobics instructor.

Frasier:
I don't think so.

Roz:
Oh, this one's perfect! Gunther Dietrich. He's loads of fun, and he's a runway model.

Frasier:
A German narcissist. Now there's an appealing combination.

Roz:
Okay, okay, I'll keep looking.

Niles:
Looking for what?

Roz:
I'm helping Frasier find a man for Daphne.

Niles:
What?

Roz:
Here we go! He's a tennis instructor, and his name is Brick.

Niles:
Dear God, Frasier - Sven, Gunther, Brick? Why not just lather Daphne up with baby oil and hurl her over the wall of a prison yard?

Roz:
Excuse me, but I've dated all these guys.

Niles:
Well, where do you think I came up with the imagery?

Roz:
[furious] Listen, you little titmouse...!

Frasier:
All right! Niles, you are completely out of line here. And Roz, he does have a point. You and Daphne are entirely different kinds of women. While Daphne is very shy and inexperienced, you are more... well, a lot more... well, actually it's hard to find anyone who's more...

Roz:
Oh, I get it! Not one man I've ever dated is good enough for Miss Daphne, is that what you're trying to say?

Frasier:
No, it's what I'm trying not to say, and you're not making it very easy.

Roz:
[getting up] Oh, I'm out of here.

Frasier:
Oh, Roz, please wait.

Roz:
[storming out] Oh no, I can't stay, the FLEET IS IN!

Roz Doyle:
You know, maybe Frasier was right. Would it kill us to make some effort to be civil?

Julia Wilcox:
I... guess not.

Roz Doyle:
So... Your show was good today.

Julia Wilcox:
Yes, it was. And... and... your producing was... top notch.

Roz Doyle:
Thanks. [Offers her the sugar container] Sugar?

Julia Wilcox:
[Takes one] Please.

Roz Doyle:
Well, this isn't so bad.

Julia Wilcox:
No, it's not. Maybe we just got off on the wrong foot.

Roz Doyle:
Well, when you first started, you know, I just thought you were kind of a bitch. Ordering everyone around.

Julia Wilcox:
That's totally my fault. I have a tendency to be patronizing to, um... entry level employees.

Roz Doyle:
Well. You know, I was gonna say something earlier, but when I heard your first show, I figured you wouldn't be here long.

Julia Wilcox:
Well, you certainly made an impression on my. I remember I kept thinking, who did she sleep with to get this job? And then I found out. Everybody!

Roz Doyle:
That's a good one. You know, there's a plunger in the bathroom. Whaddya say we go look for your career?

Julia Wilcox:
Great. While we're in there, I can get your phone number.

Roz Doyle:
Don't bother. It's 1-800 bite me.

Julia Wilcox:
Bite me? That's the best that you've got?

Roz Doyle:
Oh, I could spend a half an hour on your hair.

Julia Wilcox:
Well, you should have spent a half an hour on *your* hair.

Waitress:
Closing time, ladies. I'm afraid you'll have to leave.

Roz Doyle:
But, we're just warming up.

Julia Wilcox:
You know, there's a place down the street that's open all night.

Roz Doyle:
Just like your mouth?

Julia Wilcox:
Just like your legs? [Walks out]

Roz Doyle:
Hey! [Follows her out] Wait up!

Bebe:
After dinner is the time I need a cigarette most. As long as I don't stop eating, I'll be fine.

Frasier:
This is very good, Bebe. You're already identifying those moments that trigger your worst cravings.

Bebe:
[sarcastic] Yeah, yeah!

Frasier:
No, really, perhaps it would help to know that you're not alone. Dad is an ex-smoker; Dad, can you tell us about when you crave a cigarette most?

Martin:
Ah, when I had insomnia. I'd get up, pour a glass full of Bourbon, light a cigarette, next thing you know, I couldn't keep my eyes open. Nothing relaxes you like a cigarette. Of course, it gives you a hell of a headache in the morning.

Daphne:
Well, I smoked for years but I never became addicted. To this day, I can buy a pack, have a cig or two, toss them in a drawer and not crave another for months.

Bebe:
You know there's a word for people who can do that... what is it? Oh yes - bitch!

Niles:
There's no need to be insulting just because you're wrestling with an unhealthy and disgusting habit.

Bebe:
It isn't disgusting; it's wonderful!

Frasier:
What is so wonderful about smoking?

Bebe:
Everything! I like the way a fresh firm pack feels in my hand. I like peeling away that little piece of cellophane and seeing it twinkle in the light. I like coaxing that first sweet cylinder out of its hiding place and bringing it slowly up to my lips. Striking a match, watching it burst into a perfect little flame and knowing that soon that flame will be inside me!

[Begins displaying innuendo]

Bebe:
I love the first puff, pulling it into my lungs... little fingers of smoking filling me, caressing me, feeling that warmth penetrate deeper and deeper until I think I'm going to burst!

[Frasier raises his eyebrow]

Bebe:
Then 'woosh!'... watching it flow out of me in a lovely sinuous cloud, no two ever quite the same!

Daphne:
[Visibly aroused, as are the others] More potatoes, anyone?

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[Frasier and Martin talk about his relation with Clare] So, you're going to see her again?

Martin:
Oh, I don't know, I don't think it's gonna work out.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
You're not still feeling guilty, are you?

Martin:
No, what you said made a lot of sense. It's just that I think it's run its course.

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Oh, well, I have a theory.

Martin:
Geez!

Dr. Frasier Crane:
[Daphne enters and hears] No, no, hear me out. I think by giving you my approval to sleep with Clare I've made it less exciting for you. There was a certain illicitness to the relationship that gave it a kind of piquancy.

Martin:
Frasier, it's Sunday, take the day off!

Daphne Moon:
Wait, Mr. Crane. You slept with Mrs. Wojadubakowski?

Martin:
[being sarcastic] Yes, I did, isn't that adorable?

Daphne Moon:
No, it's disgusting, you dirty old man! Sleeping with that poor widow before her husband's even cold in the ground.

Martin:
You think that was wrong?

Daphne Moon:
You're damn right I do. You ought to be ashamed.

Martin:
See, I told you, Frasier.

Daphne Moon:
We live in a civilized society and there are certain rules we have to live by. [getting carried away and confused] We all have impulses we'd like to explore, but we don't!

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Daphne?

Daphne Moon:
Well, we can't just go chasing anyone you fancy just because you're suddenly attracted to them. There are certain things you don't do, no matter how tempted you are. [Daphne leaves to her room]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Boy that was strange, wasn't it?

Martin:
I don't think it was strange at all! Made a lot of sense to me! [Martin gets up and gets his coat]

Dr. Frasier Crane:
Where the hell are you going?

Martin:
Well, I better get over to Clare's and apologize. Don't wait up for me Frasier, I've got a lot of apologizing to do!

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