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Xavier:
[narrating] This happy place holds magic meaning, for 'twaaaas my mother's nickname. Truckers, delivery guys, men coming in and out of the house all day called her the Grand Canyon, but I never knew why. It's just a great wide gash, spread open for the enjoyment of all to come inside as he pleases and pleasures. Often there's a donkey in there.

Xavier:
HEE-HUH?!

Xavier: Renegade Angel (2007)

added by timothyj.29104
1 day ago

[after the Priest beats Xavier]

Shamus:
You did a good job keeping our secret. [evil mode] Just don't ever tell nobody about what I do to you, or I cut your parts off and feed them to my teddy bear, Mr. Ruffles.

Priest:
Okay, just don't do those things to me bad place anymore.

Shamus:
I'll do what I want, got it?

Priest:
Yes, Shamus.

Xavier: Renegade Angel (2007)

added by timothyj.29104
1 day ago

Xavier:
Hail mary full of gays. Well, I say you're in, in my gaze. If you so much as think about touching that boy again, I'll so much as think about doing something about it.

Xavier: Renegade Angel (2007)

added by timothyj.29104
1 day ago

Priest:
[pulls up cross-chucks] Forgive me, Father, as I make this poor soul... [beats Xavier]

[Take that!]

Priest:
Sweet mother mary, shut your virgin eyes, as I force his arse to...

[Taste the pain.]

Priest:
You are forgiven, my child.

Xavier: Renegade Angel (2007)

added by timothyj.29104
1 day ago

Xavier:
Where did you come across this child? My face? Ooh, nice.

Priest:
This is a poor orphan boy from the parish. they say he was a virgin birth. But every boy needs love.

Xavier:
Well, I never got any, and I think I turned out okay. [to Evil Child] Here, wear this priest-proof chastity diaper so he can't catho-lick you no more.

Priest:
Well, I don't like what you're insinuatin'.

Shamus:
That thing is scarin' me.

Xavier:
[to priest] Okay, your "hole-ness". Let me smell your fingers. Now you smell mine. Kid, you smell his nose while I check him for lies.

[Xavier finds a big inside of Priest's hair and ate it]

Xavier: Renegade Angel (2007)

added by timothyj.29104
1 day ago

Xavier:
Back away from the boy! Uncloven his hoove. This abuse will not stand down. You can't pope with his pooper fadre. [sniffs]

Priest:
[Irish accent] I don't know what you're sayin'.

Xavier:
[to Shamus] I'll get to your bottom of this. Show me on me what the bad man did to you. Did he make you go down on your knees for him?

Shamus:
Only when he prayed with me.

Xavier:
Sounds like you were his prey.

Xavier: Renegade Angel (2007)

added by timothyj.29104
1 day ago

Xavier:
I alone stride along to strive alone to unify all men in the greasy heat of my unifrier.

Xavier: Renegade Angel (2007)

added by timothyj.29104
1 day ago

Xavier:
A mantra is a soothing sonic reverberation through the throat, but it has no meaning, no significance. It's just the empty gibberitical sound of soul serenity, vibrations devoid of implicatorial importance.

Xavier:
There's no issues. Don't look for meaning because there is non, okay? Meditation just calms me down.

Xavier: Renegade Angel (2007)

added by timothyj.29104
1 day ago

[Chief checks with Assy to see how he's doing after getting hit by the bus]

Chief:
Damn it, Assy. You should have listened to me. But I'm glad you didn't. Some sicko's been stealing old people, selling them, using them as crash test dummies. Guess they're cheaper than the real thing.

Chief:
We just shut down the company. But now we got to find out who this sicko is.

Nurse:
Sir, visiting hours are over.

[Chief kisses Assy before he leaves]

Chief:
[to Nurse] Bite me.

Assy McGee (2006)

added by timothyj.29104
1 day ago

Sanchez:
Hey, Rudolpho, we really need to --

[sees Rudolpho jacking off at a dessert magazine]

Sanchez:
WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF?! BRENDA! BRENDA, COME IN HERE! OH, FAT LITTLE PERV!

[Brenda comes by]

Sanchez:
You did this to him. Honey, what's the matter?

Brenda:
It's Assy. He's in critical condition.

Sanchez:
Critical condition? Where is he? Which hospital?

Brenda:
Exeter General.

Sanchez:
Okay, I got to go.

[Sanchez leaves]

Brenda:
WE STILL NEED TO TALK!

Assy McGee (2006)

added by timothyj.29104
1 day ago

[Assy fires bullets at a shooting range]

Assy McGee:
You shall now walk again. Throw away your chair. Walk again!

Mayor:
Well, detective McGee, that's a nice grouping.

Assy McGee:
It's not a grouping. It's my calling.

Mayor:
A calling that could bring a lot of financially curious southern tourist to our fair city.

Assy McGee:
Not interested.

Mayor:
Well, then, what are gonna do?

Assy McGee:
Walk the earth healing paraplegics with the mysterious power of lead hollow points.

[Assy gets hit by a bus]

Mayor:
Oh, that's nasty.

Assy McGee (2006)

added by timothyj.29104
1 day ago

Sanchez:
This is great meatloaf, honey.

Brenda:
I want a divorce.

Sanchez:
So, have you heard from Rudolpho?

Brenda:
He's upstairs.

Sacnhez:
What did you tell him?

Brenda:
I told him you're dead.

Sanchez:
Well, I guess I'll go break him the good news.

Assy McGee (2006)

added by timothyj.29104
1 day ago

Chief:
The hell you doing here?

Assy McGee:
I need to investigate Exeter general.

Chief:
Forget it! You're on suspension!

Assy McGee:
Someone's stealing old people! IT'S ALL THERE! JUST READ IT!

Chief:
Don't you get it, McGee? The last thing the force needs right is your UGLY, PICKLED MUG BACK IN THE NEWSPAPERS!

Assy McGee (2006)

added by timothyj.29104
1 day ago

Chief:
[on phone] Then bleach it and skip dinner. I don't care as long as it's clean.

Assy McGee (2006)

added by timothyj.29104
1 day ago

Sanchez:
Well, here we are, champ. You excited? They got canoe and don't forget we love you, no matter how much weight you lose or you don't lose. But try to work hard ad lose some weight, okay?

[Rudolpho leaves to head to Fat Camp]

Sanchez:
[sighs] He ain't gonna lose a damn ounce.

Brenda:
DON!

Sanchez:
You want him to get the kid diabetes? HE'S ON A FAST TRACK FOR THAT!

Brenda:
I don't care about no diabetes. I just want him to be happy.

Sanchez:
Well, let me tell you something, Brenda -- Nothing about Fat Camp makes a kid happy.

Brenda:
Oh, ho, are you speaking from experience?

Sanchez:
YOU WANT TO GO DOWN THAT ROAD, HUH?! BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY A TERRIBLE CANDIDATE YOURSELF, PUMPKIN!

Brenda:
That's not what Gordon says,

Sanchez:
NOW IT'S "GORDON." HUH? It use to be "My Chiropractor Gordon". Sounds like he's looking for a new title!

Brenda:
Maybe you could lend him "WORLD'S BIGGEST ASSHOLE"!

[Brenda kicks Sanchez out of the car]

Sanchez:
REAL CLASSY, YOU FAT BITCH!

Assy McGee (2006)

added by timothyj.29104
1 day ago

Barber:
You know that rash of car deaths Sanchez was yapping about -- Old people randomly slamming their cars into brick walls?

Assy McGee:
Yeah.

Barber:
I heard maybe they ain't so random.

Assy McGee:
Why should I believe a [bleep] tard, fruit-flamer, brokeback fuzz like yourself?

Barber:
A barber hears things.

Assy McGee:
Well, hear this -- If I go out and waste my time investigating this lead ONLY TO FIND OUT YOU'RE WASTING MY CLOCK, I'LL CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR!

Assy McGee (2006)

added by timothyj.29104
1 day ago

Sanchez:
I shoot I gotta go!

Assy McGee:
Who'd they partner you with?

Sanchez:
Nobody. I cashed in a couple of vacation days. I figured with Rudolpho off to camp, might be a good time for me and Brenda to work some stuff out.

Assy McGee:
Baseball Camp?

Sanchez:
Uh, no. He's not into --

Barber:
Soccer?

Sanchez:
No, it's not really a, uh, a so --

Assy McGee:
Band Camp?

Sanchez:
Oh, no he's --

Assy McGee:
Theater Camp?

Sanchez:
Uh...

Assy McGee:
Astronaut Camp?

Sanchez:
I got to go. I'll talk to you later.

Assy McGee:
WHAT KIND OF CAMP IS IT, SANCHEZ?!

Assy McGee (2006)

added by timothyj.29104
1 day ago

Barber:
Damn, you got soft skin, Assy, smooth as a baby's bottom.

Assy McGee:
Don't get any ideas, Father.

Sanchez:
[to Assy] Well, you're finally off the frontpage, pal. Nothin' but a bunch of old people dying in car crashes.

Assy McGee (2006)

added by timothyj.29104
1 day ago

Benjamin:
A

Young Person's Guide to History (2008)

added by timothyj.29104
1 day ago

[after the CROPP incident with the old military man]

Assy McGee:
Let me save you some breath.

Chief:
That old-timer's in critical condition.

Assy McGee:
I don't now how many ways to say it, Chief. He wouldn't show me his hands.

Chief:
HE'S A PARAPELGIC!

Assy McGee:
NOBODY TOLD ME WHAT THAT MEANS!

Chief:
Well, you have plenty of time to learn, serving 5 to 10 for involuntary manslaughter.

Assy McGee:
Just tack it on to the life sentence God gave me.

Chief:
For now, two weeks no pay and mandatory counseling.

Assy McGee:
Counseling? Forget it. Johnny College ain't takin' a hike inside this head.

Chief:
You need help, Assy.

Assy McGee:
[annoyed] We done her, Chief?

Chief:
Unfortunately, we just might be. We just might be.

Assy McGee:
Well, good luck replacing integrity.

Assy McGee (2006)

added by timothyj.29104
1 day ago

Mayor:
So, as you can see, today I unveil my cops-read-to-old-people-program program, also known as CROPP.

Sanchez:
[to the Old Woman] "But the little train had to be on the tracks all by hisself." Look at him. He's a all alone right here.

DiLorenzo:
[to the Old Man] I lo-- I love you, mommy, a lot. I lo- love w-when you...

Assy McGee:
it was a queer, sultry summer, the summer they electrocuted the rosenbergs. I didn't know what I was doing in new York.

Old Military Man:
New York? No, I landed on Ohama. Stepped on an "S" mine. In this chair ever since.

Assy McGee:
Maybe this will cheer you up, commander.

Old Military Man:
An AK-49 long barrel?! Krautbuster! How did you--

Assy McGee:
Johnson's War. My lai, March 1968. Souvenir from an uncooperative V.C. Colonel. "Hands up!" I said. But he wouldn't listen.

[Assy then starts to have a PTSD moment where he hallucinate in a battlefield telling Mr. Charlie to raise his hands up]

Assy McGee:
Hands up! Hands up!, Mr. Charlie!" I'm gonna ask you one more time. Put...your...damn...HANDS...UP!

Old Military Man:
What the hell is wrong with you?!

[Assy gunshots the old military men]

Assy McGee:
[returns to reality] Oops.

Assy McGee (2006)

added by timothyj.29104
1 day ago

[Assy give his moments to Glen]

Assy McGee:
I, uh...I'm gonna miss you, pal. You were the best. But, actually, the new guy's better. Don't worry about your dog. I had him euthanized.

Assy McGee Ohhhh. We got 'em. We got 'em back for you. We hit 'em all hard, real hard -- Kids, women. There was children all over the place. [chuckles] They won't grow up to be bad. Oh, Glen, Glen, Glen. I'll miss you, buddy. I'll miss you.

Assy McGee:
Now push over and make some room.

[Assy gets inside the tub sliding into Glen's arms for this moment]

Assy McGee (2006)

added by timothyj.29104
1 day ago

[Assy escapes the O'Briens family]

Sanchez:
Assy! What are you doin' here?

Assy McGee:
God has interceded and led me to Glen's killer.

Dooley:
O'Brien's in there?

Assy McGee:
All of them, douche -- The whole damn family. Tell me you brought trunk porn.

Dooley:
That's how I roll, baby.

Assy McGee (2006)

added by timothyj.29104
1 day ago

Mikey O'Brien:
Very brave, detective -- Riskin' your life for some two-bit bartender.

Assy McGee:
Not as brave as bangin' that horseface niece of yours. [referring to Kelly]

Assy McGee (2006)

added by timothyj.29104
1 day ago

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