Found 2,077 quotes starting with IF:

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If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, 'Boy, these are good cigars'
– Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
If you're bored with life -- you don't get up every morning with a burning desire to do things -- you don't have enough goals.
– Lou Holtz
If you're cheap in your dealings, you only attract a chepskates reward.
– Mike Gegelman
If you're engraced, then you must be great in life sooner or later.
– Emeasoba George
If you're ever confused as to the value of newspaper editors, look at the blog world. That's all you need to see.
– Eric Schmdit
If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell the people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him.
– Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth in your underwear, don't stop and start thinking of what other words have 'under' in them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness.
– Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
If you're going to America, bring your own food.
– Fran Lebowitz
If you're going to be a healer, it's not enough to read books and learn allegorical stories. you need to get your feet wet, get some clinical experience under your belt.
– Andrew Schneider
If you're going to define me properly, you must think in terms of my failures as well as my successes.
– Harrison Ford
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning,....sleep late.
– Henny Youngman
If you're going to have it - have it all.
– Rob Brown
If you're going to sin, sin against God, not the bureaucracy. God will forgive you but the bureaucracy won't.
– Hyman Rickover
If you're hanging around with nothing to do and the zoo is closed, come over to the Senate. You'll get the same kind of feeling and you won't have to pay.
– Robert Joseph Bob Dole
If you're here for four more years or four more weeks, you're here right now. I think when you're somewhere, you ought to be there. It's not about how long you stay in a place, it's about what you do while you're there, and when you go, is that place any better for your having been there
– Jerry Stahl
If you're in a bad situation, don't worry it'll change.  If you're in a good situation, don't worry it'll change.
– Sido L. Ridolfi
If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.
– Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.
– Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
If you're in trouble, or hurt or need -- go to the poor people. They're the only ones that'll help -- the only ones.
– John Steinbeck
If you're masochistic enough to program in ADA, we're not going to stop you.
– Matt Welsh
If you're never scared or embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take any chances.
– Julia Sorel
If you're not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don't want to go there.
– Martin Luther
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
– Woody Allen
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
– Henry J. Tillman
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem, but the perpetual human predicament is that the answer soon poses its own problems.
– Sydney Harris

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