Found 2,060 quotes starting with IF:

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If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone's lip. Even if they smash you, ick, you're all over their lip
– Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it EASY
– Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
If I could be a bird, I think I'd be a penguin, because then I could walk around on two feet with a lot of other guys like me.
– Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.
– Samuel Goldwyn
If I could kick the person in the tail that causes me the most problems I could not sit down for a week.
– Will Rogers
If I could master the art of appearing confident, if I could convincingly pretend to know what I'm talking about when I don't, I'd be rich by now. Very important skill, bullshitting.
– Tami Cohen
If I could take all your words away and give you but a sparse few, they would be: 'I now know, I am absolute, I am complete, I am God, I am.' If there were no other words but these, you would no longer be limited to this plane.
– Ramtha
If I die a violent death, as some fear and a few are plotting, I know that the violence will be in the thought and the action of the assassins, not in my dying.
– Indira Gandhi
If I die a violent death, as some fear and a few are plotting, I know that the violence will be in the thought and the action of the assassins, not in my dying. (Handwritten statement found in her residence)
– Indira Nehru Gandhi
If I die, I forgive you If I live, we shall see.
– Danish proverb
If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a spring shoots out.
– Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that will tell the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.
– Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
– Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
If I ever marry, it will be on a sudden impulse - as a man shoots himself.
– H. L. Mencken
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
– Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
If I ever reach heaven I expect to find three wonders there first, to meet some I had not thought to see there second, to miss some I had expected to see there and third, the greatest wonder of all, to find myself there.
– John Newton
If I feel depressed I will sing. If I feel sad I will laugh. If I feel ill I will double my labor. If I feel fear I will plunge ahead. If I feel inferior I will wear new garments. If I feel uncertain I will raise my voice. If I feel poverty I will think of wealth to come. If I feel incompetent I will think of past success. If I feel insignificant I will remember my goals. Today I will be the master of my emotions.
– Og Mandino
If I feel depressed I will sing. If I feel sad I will laugh. If I feel ill I will double my labor. If I feel fear I will plunge ahead. If I feel inferior I will wear new garments. If I feel uncertain I will raise my voice. If I feel poverty I will think of wealth to come. If I feel incompetent I will think of past success. If I feel insignificant I will remember my goals. Today I will be the master of my emotions.
– Og Mandino
If I find God's mobile number, I wouldn't call Him, that would be too expensive!..
– Mehmet Murat ildan
If I get an order to evacuate a Jew from his home, to expel him, me, personally, my conscience would not let me do it. I’ll ask my commander to excuse me, but I won’t publicly call on others to refuse an order. I personally can’t …
– Naftali Bennett
If I had as much make-up on as he did, I'd have looked younger, too.
– Ronald Reagan
If I had been the Virgin Mary, I would have said "No."
– Margaret "Stevie" Smith
If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend six sharpening my axe.
– Abraham Lincoln
If I had my life to live again. I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
– Tallulah Bankhead
If I had my life to live over... I'd dare to make more mistakes next time.
– Nadine Stair

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