Married with Children

Al:
Those articles that say married couples have sex every month are just sensationalistic lies perpetrated on the public to sell magazines. It's hooey I tell you, hooey.

Al:
Ah, Peg. You're down here. Damn. Then I was dreaming you ran off with the dwarf down at the bookstore, and I was living in sin with a Playboy centerfold and her eight friends who could speak but chose not to.

Peggy:
I tried to get Al to fix the driveway a long time ago. But his philosophy is why improve a home you're only going to live in anyway?

Peggy:
Sooo... we've certainly learned a lot about each other. We have no opinions on politics, religion, science, starving people, nuclear holocaust or recycling. The only thing we seem to feel strongly about is we both hate that painting behind Jay Leno.

Kelly:
Remember, attraction is a three-way street. Or is it a one-way tunnel? Hmm, in any case, I do know it's a four-lane highway, but it takes two to use the car-pool lane. I guess what I'm trying to say is, what the younger generation has learned is that there's nothing for us to watch on CBS, and you've got to be yourself. A man has to love you for you, not some costume. He's gotta love who you are.

Peggy:
What would you like?

Al:
A nice juicy steak, medium rare, with little brown potatoes on the right side of the plate, ketchup on the left, where some people waste space with vegetables. And for dessert, a roast beef.

Al:
It's not that I couldn't be happy without you, Peg. It's just that I couldn't be happy. Perhaps that is the true Bundy Legacy.

Peggy:
I thought the true Bundy Legacy was underwear with just an elastic band.

Kelly:
He'll be here. When my daddy says he'll do something he... no, that's my friend Marsha's daddy. But when my daddy puts his mind to something, he... no, that's Carolyn's daddy. Well, my daddy dear, he knows he's still number one, oh girls just want to have fun. No, that's Cyndi Lauper's daddy. Hmm.

Jackson:
What about your daddy?

Kelly:
Obviously, he's not here.

Peggy:
No TV, Al, we're talking.

Al:
You're my wife. I will not talk to you while I have a TV.

Al:
I don't want more people in this house. I want less. I want my life back, dammit. I want my youth. I want my hair. I want... this room. It's really nice... Are you thinking of moving out, son?

Bud:
No, Dad.

Al:
Damn. Well, it doesn't hurt to ask.

Al:
Well, I guess there's nothing left to do now but pick out the dress you're going to wear when Dan Rather asks you why your son shot the President.

Al:
What was I thinking when I said "I do"? I'd already had sex with her; I didn't need that again.

Al:
I work in a shoe store, I make less than minimum wage, and yet I'm not happy to be home.

Marcy:
What would it be like if men had breasts?

Al:
We wouldn't need women any more.

Kelly:
Bud, I'm gonna kill you and then I'm gonna bury you alive.

Peggy:
And if you had what other men have, I wouldn't need BATTERIES ANYMORE.

Al:
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DIEHARD.

[repeated line]

Al:
Let's rock.

Kelly:
I'm like the Beatles of the 20th Century.

Peggy:
I want sex.

Al:
So do I, but I see no reason to drag *you* into it.

Peggy:
Did you miss me?

Al:
With every bullet, so far.

Jefferson:
Can I stay here a while? I don't want Marcy to know I'm not at the Unemployment Anonymous meeting.

Peggy:
A pox on you, Al.

Al:
Yeah; like I'd notice.

Al:
Why doesn't Willie Nelson hold a benefit for me? He could call it AlAid.

[In Al's fantasy]

Minister:
Do you, Al Bundy, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Al:
Do I look that stupid to you?

Al:
Look, Kids, that picture is worth a thousand condom commercials.

Al:
Why do I suddenly feel I'm in the presence of great evil?

Bud:
[on phone] Hi, Mom.

Peggy:
Al, how am I supposed to do my job and yours? I tell ya, now I know how Hillary feels.

Al:
Okay, Peg. I tried to use our ATM card, I stuck it in, it spit it out... and it laughed at me.

Peggy:
Sound familiar? How many times have I told you, Al, you gotta stick it in the right way. And you know, pressing the right buttons wouldn't hurt either.

Al:
Women should have three breasts - two in front and one in the back for dancing.

Kelly:
[Trying to read] Bud, what is this word?

Bud:
'A.'

Kelly:
Oh cool, just like the letter.

[a frumpy middle-aged woman walks into Al's shoe store]

Woman:
I need shoes.

Al:
Blacksmith's right around the corner.

Bud:
Kelly, go get changed into your sleaziest dress.

Kelly:
Which one?

Peggy:
Kelly, its time we had a little talk. There is a thing men will want you to do when you get married; it's called work.

Kelly:
I'm scared; hold me, Mom.

Peggy:
Once you do it though, you'll never have to do it again and there will come a time when your husband comes home smellin' like beer and wantin' some lovin'; you'll follow that fat butt up the stairs because you'll know that no matter how disgusting the next five minutes may be, it's still better than work.

Kelly:
Thanks, Mom; you're so wise.

Peggy:
Well, you can't sit on a couch twenty hours a day and not learn something.

[Marcy has forced Jefferson to go to a men's sensitivity training session]

Al:
Jefferson! Good, you're right on time. The Three Stooges marathon is about to start.

Jefferson:
[monotone] The Three Stooges are not funny. You know who I think is funny? That Elaine Boozler is funny.

Al:
Oh my God! Those women have brainwashed him. We'll have to deprogram him! [holds up two fingers] Quick, how many fingers am I holding up? [pokes Jefferson in the eyes]

Jefferson:
Whoa, thanks Al. They almost had me that time.

Kelly:
[singing] Eighty-nine bottles of beer on the wall, eighty-nine bottles of beer, if one of those bottles should happen to fall... eighty-ten bottles of beer on the wall.

Al:
[one of Jefferson's friends has just done the "pull my finger gag"] And I thought I ran with a cool crowd in high school.

Reporter:
Scientist are still sifting through the nuclear hole that used to be the Republic of France.

Al:
I hate those complaint boxes they put in at the mall. A woman comes in the shoe store today, so huge she's protected by 'Green Peace', and ask for a size-4 shoe. So I asked her if she wants to eat them there or take them home, and she has the nerve to complain about my performance.

Peggy:
Honey, I complain about youre performance all the time... you don't care. Sometimes you don't even wake up.

Al:
Well unlike sex with you Peg, this is important to me.

Al:
[Marcy has appeared at the Bundy's door with a raw chicken] Congratulations, Marcy. I didn't even know you were expecting.

Marcy:
[walking past Al] Peggy, my oven is on the blink. Can I use yours to warm my giblets?

Al:
[to Jefferson] I thought that was your job.

Jefferson:
No, my job is to stuff the bird every night.

Al:
Leave me alone, Peg. The Bears are playing the Rams... and if you lose to the Rams, you get kicked out of the league.

Al:
[doorbell rings] Peg, could you get that? It's probably the 'Homeless: It Could Be Worse' Tour.

[the "Psycho Dad" theme]

TV Announcer:
[singing] A little touched, or so we're told/Killed his wife 'cause she had a cold/Might as well, she was gettin' old!/Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad!/He's quick with a gun!/And his job ain't done!/Killed three wives by twenty-one/He's Psycho Dad!

Al:
This is why we must give to PBS.

Various characters:
[repeated line said to Al] You stink!

[repeated line]

Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardinal:
This is Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardinal!

Kelly:
[as Al is pointing the TV-remote against his head] Daddy, you're pointing it at the wrong way!

Al:
Not if there's a God.

[repeated line]

Al:
A fat woman came into the shoe store today...

[repeated line]

Al:
At the nudie bar.

[first lines]

Al Bundy:
[voice] Oh Lord, if I ever meant anything to you, please let me fall asleep before she thinks of sex.

[Peggy, as if on cue, turns towards Al]

Peggy Bundy:
Oh, Aaaaaaaalllll.

Al Bundy:
[facing skyward] God, you are a woman, aren't you?

Peggy Bundy:
[Peggy and Al turn out the lights in the bedroom for sex] Oh, Al you're... done.

[sounds of Al snoring]

Peggy Bundy:
Thanks again.

Al Bundy:
Hey, Peg you're up. I'm surprised you could make it down those stairs.

Peggy Bundy:
Yeah, I was tired last night. I hope that buzzing didn't keep you awake.

Al Bundy:
Oh yeah, those damn bees. One of them must have stung you because I thought I heard you scream.

Al Bundy:
Peg, you don't have that "I've been satisfied by Al Bundy" look on your face. Maybe you should go to your girly doctor. They say you should get checked out every few years or so. Put you up on a rack and check your belts and hoses.

Peggy Bundy:
There is nothing wrong with my belts and hoses. I just need to be taken out and driven once in a while.

Al Bundy:
Well, that can't a shot at me. I'm Al Bundy the mailman. I deliver.

Peggy Bundy:
But mailmen are slow and deliver every day.

Al Bundy:
Yes, but they don't always go to the same house.

Al Bundy:
Seriously Peg, you weren't satisfied by my performance in bed last night?

Peggy Bundy:
Well, let's just say that I used to call you "the Minute Man". Now, I long for thoese days. But Marcy was very comforting. She said with you, the sooner it's over the better.

Al Bundy:
You told Marcy about us?

[Marcy and Jefferson enter both giggling]

Jefferson D'Arcy:
Hey, Al. You want to throw around the football a little bit? Uh! There... we done?

Al Bundy:
I think she may have told him!

Neighbor:
[voice] Hey, Bundy! Have sex with your wife 50 times! We're boiling an egg to see how long it'll take! Ha, ha, ha!

Al Bundy:
Hey, Donaley why not use the time to see how long it takes for your son to get himself out of dress?

Peggy:
This is George Washington, the father of our country.

Kelly:
I thought that was James Brown.

Peggy:
No, he was the Godfather of soul.

Kelly:
I thought that was Don Corleone.

Peggy:
I think we've had enough for one day.

Al Bundy:
[into the phone] Come on Lois, I know it's been 20 years since I promised to call you. I'm calling you now. Now listen, this is a long-distance toll call so let me get right to the point. Remember the night in the back seat of my old Dodge? How was I? [pause] I knew it! I was really good? [pause] What kind of car am I driving now? Uh... I gotta go. Bye! [hangs up]

Al Bundy:
[into the phone] So I was great? The best! The best sex you ever had of all the guys at Polk High! Oh, come on now, you're making me blush! Well, thank you very much for your time Sister Mary Ignatius.

Al Bundy:
[into the phone] Hello? Uh, yeah... can I speak to Marilyn Fisher? Oh, she's Marilyn O'Brien now? Uh-hm. Are you her husband? I see. Could you do me a favor? Yeah, my name is Al Bundy. I used to go to high school with Marilyn. Could you ask her when she gets in that if she meant it when she said that she's had them all, but I was the best? [pause] What do you mean she's there... oh, she's breast-feeding your newborn baby? Hey, hey, that brings back memories!

[Al is at an employment office talking with the super-obese social worker ironically named Ms. Blaub]

Al Bundy:
And now Miss... Blaub.

Ms. Blaub:
"Ms." Blaub.

Al Bundy:
Sorry, your name was obscured by some errand flesh. What I'm trying to say here is that I'm not going to take anything. Unlike you at a buffet I can't just grab everything that I see from this book of job offers. You know me pretty well, so do you have anything to recommend?

Ms. Blaub:
Some mentose and speed stick? Assuming that you know what those are.

Al Bundy:
If course I do know what they are. Mentose are breath mints and speed stick is deodorant that goes under your arms... that is if you can ever get them horizontal.

Ms. Blaub:
Did you go to high school at all?

Al Bundy:
I did. Polk High, class of 1966. And despite the fact that I find you fat and repulsive, I would like to tell you my glory days how I scored four touchdowns in one football game and won the very last city championship trophy that Polk High had.

Ms. Blaub:
[sarcastic] Oh, what a glory it is for a former all-star who played high school football to be in a Chicago employment office.

Al Bundy:
Look Blob...

Ms. Blaub:
Blaub!

Al Bundy:
I know your name. I was only using a descriptive term. I'm putting myself into your fat, sweaty, bloated hands. I'm not just looking for a job. I'm looking for a career. A high paying career such as a doctor or lawyer or... what do you call one of those doctors who play and fondle hooters all day?

Ms. Blaub:
That would be an anesthesiologist.

Ms. Blaub:
Look, Mr. Bundy, I'm a very busy woman. So why don't we find out what job career you're good for and get you the hell out of here. Do you have any kind of skills?

Al Bundy:
Well, I'm naturaly inquisitive. For example, right now I'm wondering how strong that chair is you're sitting in.

Al Bundy:
Peg, some good news happened to me today. I'll just get right to the point. I want to buy a shoe store. It's a gold mine. No, I do not want your opinion. Give me my money.

Peggy Bundy:
Al, what kind of selfish wife like me would give their own husband his money? It just isn't done. I haven't finished spending it all yet.

Al Bundy:
Peg, don't you see that I'm really exited about something here? I want to use what's left of my retirement money to buy this shoe store by tomorrow and that way we can I can make four or five times more money then I am making right now. If you have any love or sympathy for me, you'll give me my money.

Peggy Bundy:
Nope.

Al Bundy:
You're doing this just to spite me and see me squirm!

Peggy Bundy:
[smirks] I know.

Al Bundy:
Look Peg, I'm not the one to beg, but if you really mean something to me, you'll give me my money.

[after a short pause]

Al Bundy:
Peg, I'm begging you... give me my money!

Al Bundy:
Here, let's have a vote. Who wants me to get my money?

[everyone in the room is silent]

Al Bundy:
All right, let's try this... who does not want me to get my money?

[Peggy, Kelly, Bud, and even Charlene Tilton raises their hands]

Al Bundy:
That hurts, Charlene. All right... I now know what I have to do.

[Al takes off his shirt revealing his muscular, untoned build]

Peggy Bundy:
Oh Al, you're so cute. You're going to try to earn it by having sex with me.

Al Bundy:
No, Peg. I'm going to take my pants off next, get a lawn chair, and sit in my underwear... over at your college, Bud! Telling everyone there that I'm your father!

[both Peggy and Kelly laugh at Bud who looks down with dread]

Al Bundy:
And then... Kelly, I'm gonna go over to the diner where you work, sit at a counter, pull up my Haines underwear... telling everyone there that I'm your father!

[now Kelly looks down with dread with Bud as Peggy continues to laugh at both of them]

Al Bundy:
And then... Peggy, I'm going to go prancing around your beauty parlor where you hang out twice a week... telling everybody there that I'm your husband! Oh, did I mention that by then I woun't be wearing any underwear? [now Peggy looks alarmed with dread] And then... just for the heck of it, I'm gonna walk around with a big sandwich sign that says: "I've been using and Abdomatizer for two years... and this is what I look like!"

[Charlene Tilton turns away with dread along with the rest of Peggy, Kelly and Bud]

Al Bundy:
Now... let's vote again. Who want's daddy to get his money?

[intimidated, Peggy, Kelly, Bud, and Charlene Tilton all raise their hands]

Al Bundy:
Thank you! I knew you'd all be behind me!

Kelly:
Daddy, what's wrong with Buck?

Al:
Well, now kids, come here. I never thought I'd be having this conversation, because frankly I didn't think I'd still be alive on this, my 40,000th anniversary... but it's time we all face facts: Buck's getting old.

Kelly:
Is he gonna die?

Al:
[looking at the bill] Yes.

Al:
But much like a 'roid, they come back with a vengeance. That's one thing I learned from my first 800 years of marriage.

Jefferson:
Diamond necklace?

Al:
All part of my master plan to avoid having sex with the wife. See, first I take her to Denny's. She stuffs herself so full of popcorn shrimp, she lists to one side. And just before she's ready to belch "I love you," I lay this on her. Between the combination of shrimp, necklace - and the NyQuil Mickey I'll be slipping in her pi?a colada - she'll be unconscious, I'll be home watching midget wrestling, and the only hand down my pants will be my own.

Al:
Listen kids, I need to find that necklace. If I can't find that necklace, then I can't give it to your mother. And if I can't give it to your mother, then I gotta "give it" to your mother. And if I have to "give it" to your mother... I'm gonna give it to you!

Peggy:
Hi, Al, did you have a good day?

Al:
I came home. How good could it have been?

Peggy:
[to cop] Hey, don't forget, if we paid taxes, we'd be paying your salary.

Steve Rhoades:
Get lost, Al, it's the president.

Al:
[Al shakes hands with bank president] I voted for you.

Al:
Ed McMahon says I may owe HIM ten million dollars?

Al:
Ah, the phone bill. [looks it over] Hey, we qualify for the gold bill!

Steve Rhoades:
Yeah, the hick's signing the papers right now... oh, not you. I was talking about some other hick.

Al:
Hey Steve, I'm glad I caught you. I need a loan. See, I'm gonna buy my own toll line. Yeah, it'll be great. People will pay two bucks a pop just to talk to me. Now I know what you're thinking, that this is just another sex line. Well it isn't, this is something I know something about.

Peamon:
You really believe in the loan?

Steve Rhoades:
With my heart and soul, sir.

Peamon:
Would you put your job on the line for it?

Steve Rhoades:
No, sir.

Peamon:
Then I will. If this Bundy doesn't come through, you're fired!

Al:
My Pumpkin is becoming a princess. Gee, if only I could trade my cow for some magic beans...

Peggy:
Al, I don't like these twin beds. It's unnatural.

Al:
Anything involving you in a bed is unnatural, Peg. Just put on your snore strap and go to sleep.

Al:
Hey kids, here's a real funny story. Did you know that while I was in the hospital, Daddy's nurse was a fat woman who used to come into his shoe store? "Used to" is the term because her patronage fell off one day when she came in and asked for something to make her foot look small. So I said, "try your ass." She remembered me all right. Then we laughed, until she picked up a catheter the size of a boa constrictor and charged.

Doctor:
Excuse me, Mrs. Bundy, but something horrible has happened to your husband.

Peggy:
[into a phone] Uh, Marcy, can I call you back? [after a pause; to the doctor] She says no, and can you speak louder?

Doctor:
There is some good news - he's alive.

Peggy:
Well, how alive? Can he walk? Can he talk? Will he ever be able to work again?

Doctor:
He's a shoe salesman, Mrs. Bundy. We could replace his brain with a sock full of popcorn, he would still be able to work again. See, this is one of those... unfortunate accidents due to simple human error. It seems our surgical team misread your doctor's instructions. It said to give him a circular incision.

Peggy:
So, how could you misread that?

Doctor:
We gave him a... circumcision.

[Al arrives home from the hospital after his accidental circumcision]

Al:
Just a small word of warning: anybody who says "what's up", does down. It wasn't funny when the doctor asked it. It wasn't funny when the nurse asked it. And it certainly wasn't funny when your mother asked it.

Peggy:
Then again, I've been asking for years.

Jefferson D'Arcy:
Well, how ya feelin' Al?

[Al grumbles]

Jefferson D'Arcy:
Cranky, huh old buddy? Yeah, I kind of know how you feel. I had to get circumcised myself once.

Al:
[curious tone] How'd you deal with the pain?

Jefferson D'Arcy:
I don't remember. I was only one day old.

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy:
Hey, Stubby. We head about what happened to you so I got you a card.

[reads from the card]

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy:
We heard about your little loss, we hope you'll make it through. Because thankfully the part they took was of no use to you. And though they took more than you'd like the good news is that another quarter inch would have been a full lopotomay. And P.S...

[Marcy chackles once againg in her chicken-sounding voice, and then exits]

Al:
[to Kelly and Bud] Kids, whenever you get a card like this, it must always be returned with a "thank you" card. Would you please go and key one in the side of Marcy's car?

Jefferson D'Arcy:
[to Kelly and Bud as they walk out] Hey, wait a minute! You kids do realize that Marcy's car is the red Mercedes?

Joe Morgan:
So to recap, baseball is on strike, hockey is on strike, and Saturday Night Live just won't end.

Al:
Brother Jefferson will now read the minutes from our last meeting.

Jefferson:
8:01... 8:02, 8:03, 8:04...

Al:
We've got to do something about this baseball strike. It's affecting the way we live! We're spending more time with our wives then watching baseball.

Bob Rooney:
Yeah. Last week, I had to take my wife to the beauty parlor!

Ike:
I had to take my wife to the opera!

Al:
I had to TAKE my wife!

Bud Bundy:
That's not Dad, that's Dave Winfield.

Dave Winfield:
[Together with Peg] Mind your business.

Al:
Officer Dan, I confess to killing a bunch of people and... eating them.

Officer Dan:
Nice try, Al. If that's really true, they you've already had your ribs.

Dave Winfield:
[about the video camera] How does this thing work again?

Joe Morgan:
That's it! Next time, I'm hiring a hockey guy.

Bud Bundy:
I don't care what anybody says. This has got to be the worst job in the world!

Bret Saberhagen:
[enters with a take-out pizza] No, I've got the worst job in the world.

Bud Bundy:
Hey, Kelly, look who it is. It's Bret Saberhagen.

Kelly Bundy:
Then why does his nametag say Bobby Bonilla?

Bret Saberhagen:
He called in sick.

[Danny Tartabull of the Oakland Astros enters dressed in a security uniform]

Danny Tartabull:
Hey, Saberhagen, is that you pizza truck parked in the red zone?

Bret Saberhagen:
Come on, Tartabull, if I don't deliver this pizza in 30 minutes, they take it out of my check.

Danny Tartabull:
At least you get a check. I get paid in mall dollars.

Al:
You know what the best part of all this is?

Peggy Bundy:
You're uniform has a trap door?

Al:
If only the couch had one.

Joe Morgan:
We're here with the leader of the Wrigley Field break-in boys, Al Birdy.

Al:
Actually it's Bundy. Al Bundy.

Joe Morgan:
Never mine, Birdy. Let me ask you, why?

Peggy Bundy:
I've asked him that same question myself over the years and he said he's either too tired or...

Al:
[interrupting] Pay no attention to the big, red, eating machine, Joe. Why did we break into Wrigley Field to play baseball? For the love of the game. Just like every American husband, 52 weeks of the year, who watch baseball.

[Mike Piazza, manning the video camera, pans it over to Kelly standing nearby who does some very seductive poses for him, as Al continues talking]

Al:
[voice] Since that right has been violated, and the owners and players have not been able to resolve their differences, we decided to play the game ourselves.

Joe Morgan:
[stepping into the frame of the image] Unfortunately, our audience might have missed that since the camera is suddenly shooting Baywatch!

Mike Piazza:
I'm sorry, I was, uh... just testing my auto focus thingy.

Al:
Griff, as the new pedge to be in NO MA'AM, you have endured all the required challenges. The purchasing of Panty Shield stockings in a lingerie shop in broad daylight. The attending of a Julio Iglesias concert in a wig and matching assumble. Are you ready for the third and final challenge?

Griff:
Hey... I have an ex-wife and I work in a shoe store. I feel no pain.

Al:
Now look, if the players don't want to play ball, I don't give a damn. We don't need them. We can play with ourselves.

Ike:
So... the meeting is dismissed?

Al:
Shut up!

Sticky:
Al, do you think this is right to subject Griff to this for his acceptance into NO MA'AM?

Bob Rooney:
Yeah, the human mind is only made of flesh and bone.

Al:
NO MA'AM isn't California. You can't just walk in.

Peggy Bundy:
Your team is sponsered by a nudie bar?

Al:
Yes, not just our team, Peg, the Chicago Cleavage. But every Working-Man's team in the league; the Boston Bazooms, the New Jersey Nay-Nay's, the Buffalo Bodacious Ta-Ta's, and the San Francisco Guys. [beat] Don't ask.

[NBL player Frank Thomas is spinning the newspaper tag headlines for the show's newsreel sequence]

Frank Thomas:
Can I have a break now?

Crewman:
[voice] No!

Frank Thomas:
[weilding a baseball bat] Can I have a break, NOW?

Crewman:
[voice] Sure... absolutely.

Frank Thomas:
Thanks. Hey, where the hell's Saberhagan with my lasauna order?

Mike Piazza:
[as Joe Morgan's camera operator] How does this thing work again?

Joe Morgan:
Turn on the camera when I'm talking, and turn it off when you think you have something to say.

Mike Piazza:
Gottcha.

Peggy:
A Bathroom is not a room.

Al:
YES IT IS A ROOM. It says so in the title "BATH ROOM."

Al:
I will not bend, I will not break. I will not sit, I will not make.

Al:
Hey, wait a minute, guys. I know I'm the new guy here and its not my place to speak up, but what are we doing? We're men. We were put on this planet to... well, I don't know what we're put on this planet to do - but we're here, damn it! And we're Americans and we have the right to use the best toilet system in the free world. Are we to use the gas station bathroom like some, some common of Russkie? We're being driven from our homes, room from room, running like a Frenchman from a cap gun. And from whom? From our women. They've taken our closets, driven us out our bedrooms by their very nakedness. Now, you guys can take it, but not this Yankee Doodie Dandy! Tonight, I'm reclaiming my toilet bowl!

Al:
I'm offering you a membership to No Ma'am, Chicago's most exclusive men's club. And with the membership comes - hold on to your green card - luxury boxes at Wrestlemania, free use of a classic Dodge - when it's working, and a key to the Big 'Uns reading room in my garage - when we get the bowl unclogged.

Al:
What has he got that I don't have? We're both virile men in the prime of our lives. Except he's not saddled with a lazy wife, worthless kids, prostate like a melon and worst of all, I sell women's shoes.

Melissa:
You never buy us shoes.

Ramon:
Do I not leave the curtain open when I change?

Taylor:
That's not shoes. We want to work out next to the shoe guy.

Al:
Formerly known as Al. Oh and I was just joshing about that melon thing.

Ramon:
You shoe salesmen, you're so lucky. How do you do it?

Al:
Well, Ramon, you see since the dawn of time, women and shoes have gone together like alcohol and fire arms. Sure we men of the foot might have a slight PR problem, but once you've tried shoe you never go back. Who loves you, baby?

[Turns around and falls out the window;crashes]

Matilda:
I swear, my foot was a size six before I went to practice... all that jumping must have expanded my foot.

Al:
Then I guess you must have fallen on your ass a couple of times...

Matilda:
How dare you say that to my face!

Al:
Well, I'd say it behind your back, but my car's only got half a tank of gas!

Gary:
Out with it, Bundy, what's your store idea?

Al:
Anything but an aerobics studio.

Gary:
You called me all the way down here to suggest anything but an aerobics studio?

Al:
Yeah, what do you say?

Gary:
I'd say you're fired if I weren't sure you'd make more on unemployment.

Al:
I'll be going. Don't bother to get the elevator, I'll just jump out the window.

Bud:
Mom, I've had a lousy day, I could really use some Motherly advice.

Peggy:
Shut up Bud! Oprah's doing a show about Mothers who don't pay attention to their sons.

Al:
[carrying a suitcase] Well, I'm all packed for prison.

Kelly:
Have a nice time, Daddy.

Captain:
Get with the program Bundy. You're a disgrace to the hat. Aw, clean your station.

Al:
Marry a redhead.

Peggy:
What's wrong with you getting a second job?

Al:
Peg, let me state this as clearly as I can. I would rather rip off my nose with a can opener. I would rather bob for apples in a sewer. I would rather have a catheter the size of a garden hose, before I get another job to pay for your shopping.

Bud:
Now, you see this crack between the stove and the wall? Every now and then I'll find, say, a fuzzy M&M. Now, you just peel the protective coating, and you've got a nice little dose of simple carbohydrates. And don't throw away that colorful shell. Makes a hearty base for soup.

Al:
Well, I'll get the hanger and a little piece of gum and a-hunting we will go!

Al:
Peg, why did you not sell the cosmetics?

Peggy:
Well, my friends decided they were not as good as other cosmetics.

Al:
OK, fine. So why in the world would you buy off yourself?

Peggy:
To get the commission checks!

Al:
You see Peg, when you buy off yourself you get less coming in than what you owe. In the shoe business lingo, we call that SENDING YOUR HUSBAND ROCKETING TO THE POOR HOUSE!

Kelly Bundy:
Hello, Vlade. My name's Kelly. I can make you very happy.

Vlade Divac:
You can show me how to set my VCR?

Kelly Bundy:
If nessessary. Here's my phone number.

Vlade Divac:
There's only six numbers.

Kelly Bundy:
Well come on, I'm not easy.

Al Bundy:
Peg, shave your head and give me your hair. I'm taking the shot.

Peggy Bundy:
Now Al, I'm sure if I can practice I can be just as good as that Smoking Joe Lewis or any other of those quarterbacks.

Al Bundy:
[looking skyward] Another slow day, eh, God?

Peggy Bundy:
I'm really nervous.

Clyde Drexler:
Don't be. Just remember that line from that TV commercial.

Peggy Bundy:
"Just do it"?

Clyde Drexler:
No, I was thinking, "let go my eggo".

Al Bundy:
[heckling at a basketball game] Hey Riley, nice hair. What, you using 30-weights now? Hey Barkley! You're playing like a virgin!

Peggy Bundy:
Al, you're being obnoxious!

Al Bundy:
You're supposed to heckle at a game. The players love it. It shows them that you appreciate the sport.

Peggy Bundy:
[heckling] Hey, baldy! Are you a real player, or did Sinead O'Conner get a tan?

[Xavier 'X-Man' McDaniel appears staring angrily at Peggy]

Al Bundy:
[quietly to Peggy] No, that's the wrong guy to heckle, Peg. That's Xavier McDaniel. They call him the X-Man. He's coming this way, Peg. You don't know me!

[Xavier McDaniel runs off the court and into the stands and confronts Peggy]

Xavier McDaniel:
Excuse me, but I couldn't help but overhear your little witticism.

Peggy Bundy:
[points to Al] He made me say it!

Xavier McDaniel:
My mistake.

[McDaniel picks up Al right out of his seat]

Peggy Bundy:
Uh, you know Mr. X, I just might leave him alone. He played high school football.

Xavier McDaniel:
[to Al] Didn't hear it from me. But you'll be leaving this game on a strechter!

Al Bundy:
Hey, couldn't we start things off as friends? Could you help be get Shaquill O'Neal's autograph?

Peggy Bundy:
Your dad will be home shortly looking for dinner. I hope he finds it. I'll be over at Marcy's.

Bud Bundy:
But Mom, you'll miss Dad's latest episode of "a fat woman came into the shoe store today".

Peggy Bundy:
Actually, I know how it all ends. He doesn't get the sale, or a life.

Al Bundy:
Guess what happened in the shoe store today.

Peggy Bundy:
Did a fat woman come in?

Al Bundy:
Enormous.

Peggy Bundy:
[sarcastic] Wow! That was a spine tingler. Much better then yesterday's "a fat woman walked passed the shoe store."

Al Bundy:
Oh, I'm sorry Peg. I forgot my manners. How'd you do at work today?

Al Bundy:
So anyway, this fat woman comes into the shoe store and she is so big that she actually has three smaller women orbiting around her. So, I'm trying to force a pair of Size 13 shoes on her Jurassic feet, when she starts talking to me describing how her husband recently left her.

Bud Bundy:
[sarcastic] Ah, the plot thins.

Al Bundy:
Pardon me, Son. But let's see how was your day at work today! So anyway, this fat woman is explaining to me how her husband left her when she reaches into her purse, moves aside a large pastrami sub, and produces two $500 courtside tickets to tonight's All-Star charity basketball game.

Bud Bundy:
You mean the ones where they send overprivledged white kids to basketball camp? Hands Across the Suburbs? She gave you these tickets?

Al Bundy:
Sold them to me for a dollar a piece, which I didn't have... thank you Peg for picking my pocket again this morning. But I was able to take them from the mall fountain after following her out and seeing her throw them in, as well as the charity mint box. So Jerry Lewis can't afford Rip Taylor this Labor Day.

Al Bundy:
Peg, this is $10,000. You know what I could do with $10,000?

Peggy Bundy:
Take 10,000 trips to the nudie bar?

Al Bundy:
No, just one great one.

[Al wakes from a dream and discovers that Peggy is no longer pregnant]

Al:
Kids, just one quick question and that's it. Is you mother...

Bud:
Repulsed by you?

Kelly:
Disappointed financially and sexually by you?

Al:
No! I don't care about that, you dolts! Is she pregnant?

[Kelly and Bud look grossed out]

Al:
Marcy?

[Kelly and Bud look even more grossed out]

Kelly:
[to Bud] Do you think he's crazy?

Bud:
He must be. He didn't ask about you.

Al:
[voice-over] So I ran. You would too if you had a price on your head and a bad burrito in your belly.

Al:
[to Vanessa Van Pelt] My name is Al Bundy. I'm... Jack Dallas' new partner. Sit down, show me your tail. I mean... tell me your tale.

Al:
Boy, to be a private eye. Stakeouts, babes, bullets flying around... good chance one of them might hit you. I'd be a great private eye. Yep, Al Bundy, trouble is my business. I carry a mop. I clean a detective's bathroom. Oh God! Please kill me! Let me die!

Vanessa Van Pelt:
Mr. Dallas?

[Al looks up and sees a young, attractive blond woman standing in front of him]

Al:
Uh... I want to live!

Al:
[narrating; voice-over] She was a sultry dame, dressed to the nines, except for a pair of cheap pumps. Yeah, she had more curves in her than the Materhorn at Disneyland. And there didn't appear to be any Japanese tourists standing in front of me waiting for a ride. Yeah, she was a hot dish. Hotter than my neighbor's dinner. By the way, how come I never eat dinner? Oh well, that's another case.

Vanessa Van Pelt:
I'm afraid I don't have much to offer you. How's a hundred bucks sound?

Al:
Oh, I'll pay!

Al:
I've gathered you all here because I know one of you is the killer. So it must be you, Bruce.

Bruce Van Pelt:
And what do you base that on?

Al:
Absolutely nothing. Which is why the killer is you, Tonya.

Tonya Van Pelt:
Sorry, Dick. If I wanted to seal the diamond, I would have not turned the lights off. It's a well known fact that I'm afraid of the dark. When the lights went out, I was frozen in place.

Al:
Then let's reenact that moment.

[Al turns the lights off, and Tonya screams, and the lights come back on]

Tonya Van Pelt:
Who touched my breasts again?

Al:
It was me, I was checking out your story, or re-living it.

[Tonya slaps Al, who turns to Adolph standing nearby]

Al:
Which brings us to you. You grabed the butcher knife, plunged it into Colonel Van Pelt's back, and then snatched the diamond with your free hand.

Adolph Van Pelt:
One gets to meet so few true FOOLS!

[Adolph reveals that he doesn't have hands, but prostetic hooks]

Al:
Okay... so that leaves just you. Come on, Leonard. You were the criminal mastermind of this whole thing. What do you have to say about that?

Leonard Van Pelt:
[revealing to be mental retarded] Daddy?

Al:
Okay. So huh, maybe the killer really was me.

Vanessa Van Pelt:
I'll probably get out of jail in maybe 20 years. Will you wait for me?

Al:
What for? You'll be old.

[the lights go out, and a woman screams]

Adolph Van Pelt:
[voice] What happened?

Bruce Van Pelt:
[voice] Who turned the lights out?

Tonya Van Pelt:
[voice] Who's touching my breasts?

Al:
[voice] Don't shoot me, I'm a shoe salesman!

Vanessa Van Pelt:
I'll be right back. I'm just going to get my coat. Uncle keeps it just freezing in here.

[Vanessa walks out]

Al:
As I watched her leave, I realized that she really did put the bomp in the bomb-she-bomp.

[stares from everyone]

Al:
[voice-over] Uh-oh. I think I said that out loud.

Colonel Van Pelt:
All right all you vultures, fruits and vegetables. Now comes the moment you always wanted. You're all expecting to which one of you I will bequeath by favorite diamond that I brought back from Egypt over 50 years ago, the Pharos Eye.

Bruce Van Pelt:
Oh, beloved uncle. We don't care about the diamond, or any of your wealth. We want you to live forever.

Colonel Van Pelt:
Nice set of lips to reach my hinny, Bruce. Your brownnosing doesn't work for me anymore.

Al:
Oh boy, that's a good one Colonel Sanders. You haven't given up on your wit in your age.

Colonel Van Pelt:
Who are you?

Al:
I'm your worst nightmare. A shoe man with a badge.

Colonel Van Pelt:
No, my worst nightmare is a hooker with cold hands.

Al:
Where were you when the lights went out?

Vanessa Van Pelt:
I was outside in the rain.

Al:
Were you? I prefer to think that you're the killer!

Vanessa Van Pelt:
That's ridiculous. You have no proof.

Al:
[takes off one of her shoes] I say that you never did go outside that night. That you waited by the door for the right moment, hit the light switch, dumped the vase on yourself to get wet, and stabbed your uncle!

Vanessa Van Pelt:
You still haven't proven anything.

Al:
When we met, I couldn't help but notice your shoes, the same shoes you have on now. And I recognize these shoes. The Malaysian A-220 stilettos - so cheap that the only women who wear them are beggars and wives of shoe salesmen. You couldn't have gone outside that night, or any other rainy night, because these shoes are so cheaply constructed that they fall apart on contact with water...

Al:
[drops her shoe into the fish tank and pulls it out - the sole is almost completely off]... like this.

Al:
Bud, was I a private detective wanted for murder or was that all just a dream?

Bud:
It just might have been a dream, Dad.

Al:
Do you also call yourself street rapper Grandmaster B, or was that all just a dream?

Bud:
Grandmaster what?

Kelly:
Oh, come on Daddy. Even Bud's not stupid enough to think up of a new persona for...

Bud:
Wait a minute! Grandmaster B? That sounds like a great idea! I could make up that I come from the south side. I could wear my baseball cap backwards. Oh man, I'm gonna go to my room right now and write my first rap song.

Kelly:
Well, how's this for a title? "Yo, I'm really a boy!"

Al Bundy:
[mimicking a thug] At tomorrow's football game, there's going to be a small group of very powerful men there who will not breathe easy until Chad's team wins the game.

Kelly Bundy:
Well, maybe if they used both nostrils wouldn't they breathe easier in the first place?

Al Bundy:
What do you think you're doing, Chad? You missed football practice again today!

Chad:
There was practice today? Man, I'm sorry. Time just flies when I'm with Kelly.

Al Bundy:
Chad, you do not want Kelly. From the moment she was conceived she has ruined men's lives. Swaggart, Baker, Kennedy... Kennedy, Kennedy, Swaggart again.

[Marcy sneaks behind Al and hits him on his butt with a beam of wood]

Al Bundy:
[turns around] Ouch! What did I ever do to you?

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy:
You were born! You live here! And... I don't know what you did to the bird-bath, but the little birdies won't go there anymore!

Bud:
Dad, you can't put a dog outside in the middle of winter. It's inhumane.

Al:
No Bud, inhumane would be to force him to work at a shoe store for minimum wage and then have him come home to a red-headed Shih Tzu.

Sherry Cherry:
So my sister and I got jobs as stewardesses because we thought that's the way to become pilots.

Sherry Cherry:
The reason she's in first class and I'm in coach is 'cause she's much smarter than I am. One time I went into the cockpit and I actually saw her sitting on the pilot's lap, helping him fly the plane. She must have been very good, because he told the copilot to get out.

Al:
See, I've been married a long time and it just wouldn't be right. You got any pictures of yourself? No, no that wouldn't be right either.

Peggy:
Oh gee Al, I'm so glad you're home.

Al:
Wear this!

[Al hands Peg a blonde wig and carries her upstairs]

Sherry Cherry:
You have very strong forearms.

Al:
Yeah.

Sherry Cherry:
It must be from all that flushing.

Terry Cherry:
[orgasmic] Oh, Luke, Luke, Luke!

Sherry Cherry:
He's not here, Sis!

Al:
I'm sorry, Sherry. I'm married... with children.

Kelly Bundy:
Help us!

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy:
I can't, I'm a Republican.

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy:
Put a shirt on, I can't stand to see you topless.

Al Bundy:
Well, at least people know when I'm topless!

Kelly Bundy:
What time is it?

Bud Bundy:
3:30.

Kelly Bundy:
AM or BM?

Bud Bundy:
BM.

Kelly Bundy:
You know, I don't know why they call it BM. I mean, why don't they call it PM, after Post Meridian.

Kelly Bundy:
Gee, Bud, sometimes life's a girl, huh?

Kelly Bundy:
Get me some bread, Daddy.

Al Bundy:
I'm just waiting to hear something... [thunderclap] Now I can go.

Al Bundy:
Who the hell is this?

Pizza Boy:
I'm Artie from Pizza by Jake. You owe me $7.50, plus a tip.

Al Bundy:
I'll give you a tip. [slams him into the door] Doors are hard. [throws him out] Keep the change.

Steve Rhoades:
You know why you have such chicken legs, Marcy? It's because you're mother eats all those eggs!

Al Bundy:
That's it! Sit down! Everybody sit down, 'cause I'm taking charge now! Peg, kids, go upstairs, 'cause I'm solving everybody's problems now.

[Al takes a shotgun out of the coat closet and points it at Peggy's relatives]

Al Bundy:
Everybody, move close together... and say... Swiss cheese!

Peggy Bundy:
Al, I have some news.

Al Bundy:
Oprah got so fat that she finally exploded?

Al Bundy:
Who's coming over to stay with us?

Peggy Bundy:
Just my mother.

Al Bundy:
No!

Peggy Bundy:
And my two uncles, Irwin and Otto.

Al Bundy:
No! No!

Peggy Bundy:
And the Wanker Triplets.

Al Bundy:
NO, NO, NO!

Peggy Bundy:
But Al, they're my aunts. They're no trouble.

Al Bundy:
Peg, God only knows how old they are and they sleep in the same bed. It's amazing, the triplets sleep in one bed while your mother sleeps in three.

Bud Bundy:
Hey, Uncle Irwin. Are you gonna put your head through the TV again?

Uncle Irwin:
If you're good.

Al Bundy:
Peg, this is the first three-day weekend I've had in a year. It's not like I'm gonna have a good time. You and the kids will be around here. But not the Wanker Wagon from Milwauke. Not that. Hondo is coming on tonight. That's some of the Duke's best work. It's never on TV. I bought a blank tape, I got the VCR set up, I want to watch Hondo. I want a clean videotape of Hondo.

Peggy Bundy:
Nobody is going to bother you watching Hondo.

Al Bundy:
Remember when they were here last year? Shane was on then. Just before it came on, Uncle Otto bet Uncle Irwin that he couldn't stick his head through the TV set. I didn't watch Shane that year.

Peggy Bundy:
I know, but you saw the end from the emergency room after you ran outside and threw yourself in front of that passing car.

Al Bundy:
"Come back, Shane. Shane? Goodbye, Shane." That's all I saw. I didn't even see the end credits because your freight train of a mother lumbered in front of the TV set. By the time her entire body chugged by, it was morning.

Al Bundy:
Hey, you may notice that my house is tilting to one side. That's because Peggy's relatives are over there visiting. Six of them. Twelve if you count her mother.

Uncle Otto:
You're not good enough for our family.

Al Bundy:
That's because I've never been brough up on a morals charge.

Peggy Bundy:
Al, how about taking us all out to eat?

Al Bundy:
Eh, what the hell, kids. You really didn't want to go to college?

Kelly Bundy:
We'd rather eat.

Uncle Irwin:
Well, if we're gonna go, we'd better get going. 'Cause once we unload Peggy's mom, it's harder then hell to squeeze her back into our trailer. She's so huge and massive that she kicks like a mule.

Bud Bundy:
Hey, Uncle Irwin, when we get to the restaurant, are you gonna put your head into the salad bar like last time?

Uncle Irwin:
Well... if you're good.

Marcy Rhoades:
Al, do you know what the difference between Steve's mom's head and a bowling ball is? A bowling ball doesn't have a beard!

Steve Rhoades:
It's only one hair. One hair doesn't mean it's a beard.

Marcy Rhoades:
It is if it's six inches long and shaped like the letter V!

Bud Bundy:
Hey Mom, are we going to go down to the pony rides to see the look on the horse's face when Uncle Irwin chooses his mount?

Peggy Bundy:
No. Not today, Bud. Every since Daddy paid for dinner with his watch, he's been sort of a crab apple.

Uncle Irwin:
I think he's mad at us.

Kelly Bundy:
Don't take it personally. Daddy always takes a noose with him into the bathroom.

Peggy Bundy:
Uh-oh! Daddy's in the bathroom? Mom's up there taking a bath! Well, maybe he won't notice...

[Al screams and appears walking down the stairs]

Al Bundy:
Peg, I'm blind!

Peggy Bundy:
Very funny, Al.

Al Bundy:
No really Peg, I saw your mother naked and everything went black! I think my eyes were trying to protect my heart! Now I'm not going to see Hondo, Peg!

Peggy Bundy:
Al, my family's been here for nearly six hours and you haven't said more then 10 words to them. You know I don't ask too much from you because I know how severly limited you are, but for just this once, talk to them. Show them that you're paying attention to them.

Al Bundy:
[to Peggy's uncles] Go home!

Peggy Bundy:
That's... a start. Say something else. Show them that you care.

Al Bundy:
[to Peggy's uncles] Go home... and drive safely.

Uncle Otto:
Al, I want to let you in on a little family secret.

Al Bundy:
What? You're the fourth triplet?

Uncle Otto:
No. It's about our business. I know that everyone thinks that our income is divered primarily from our still.

Uncle Irwin:
And the home yogurt business.

Uncle Otto:
Quiet, Mister Pork-at-the-bottom!

Uncle Irwin:
It'll catch on.

Uncle Otto:
Please! Anyway Al, the triplets add greatly to our income.

Al Bundy:
Otto, wait a minute. Kelly, go upstairs! You don't want to hear about this!

Uncle Otto:
Not THAT profession! They sing. The triplets sing at carnivals, beer fests, concerts, ho-downs... just last year they worked wonders and made a neat 88.50.

Uncle Irwin:
Don't tell the IRS.

Uncle Otto:
But something's happened recently that's threatened their act.

Al Bundy:
What, they finally faced the audience?

Al Bundy:
[to Elena of the Wanker Triplets] You want to marry? To someone outside the family?

Uncle Otto:
Well, in Wanker County... nobody's really outside the family.

Kelly Bundy:
Hey... what about that nice boy John who works at the feed store just down the road from your house?

Uncle Otto:
Yeah... I guess he's family.

[Kelly walks away unnoticed where she puts her hands to her head and then to her stomach, looking clearly shocked, disgusted, and upset as she mouths "oh no!" to herself]

[last lines]

[Peg's relatives knock on the door]

Peggy Bundy:
Look on the bright side, how bad can it be? [Irwin puts his head through the door]

Uncle Irwin:
We're here!

[last lines]

Spare Tire Dixon:
[panting] Nice run, Bundy.

Al Bundy:
[panting] Nice... nice hit, Spare Tire.

Spare Tire Dixon:
We were two pretty good athletes back then, weren't we?

Al Bundy:
Hey, we're still great athletes!

[pause]

Al Bundy:
I'm hurt real bad, you know.

Spare Tire Dixon:
Me, too.

Al Bundy:
I can't get up.

Spare Tire Dixon:
Me neither.

Al Bundy:
Sleepy-time now?

Spare Tire Dixon:
Oh, yes.

[They both pass out on the floor]

Al Bundy:
There were the final two players, yours truly, and a player from Andrew Johnson High named Spare Tire Dixon. You know why he had that nickname Spare Tire?

Bud Bundy:
Why? Because he was fat?

Al Bundy:
No, because he wore an actual sized one in a gold chain around his neck.

Al Bundy:
You know that new aerobics center above me? The one with the sign "quarter ton discount"? Well, today they played Van Halen's 'Jump'. And damned if the whole herd didn't. It was awful. The ceiling broke open, and down they came, blocking out the sun. I experienced cellulite winter. God, the "humongity". Peg, I could have been killed.

Peggy Bundy:
Well, I think you got what you deserved, going by that place every morning yelling, "is that a Milky Way on the floor?"

Spare Tire Dixon:
It should have been mine, Bundy. Headlines should have read: "Spare Tire crushes unidentified white man on goal line." I was supposed to play college ball, but it never happened. Know why?

Al Bundy:
Too stupid?

Spare Tire Dixon:
Well, it was because after that game, I fell into a deep depression. And I turned where too many players before me had turned to drown their sorrows: pie. Come the trials, I could no longer make three points unless there was a pie on the floor. My career was over. You stole the glory that should have been mine.

Al Bundy:
I had a little bit of glory, yeah. But you had pie, and I haven't eaten in twenty years! I'd give you that trophy now for a piece of pie! So pardon me if I don't cry for you, Argentina, but I sell women's shoes, AND I'm married!

Spare Tire Dixon:
Oh, yeah? Well, I bet your mother-in-law doesn't look like this. [takes out his wallet and shows Al a photo that makes him gasp and reel momentarily]

Al Bundy:
No, my mother in law looks like THIS! [takes out his own wallet with his own picture]

Spare Tire Dixon:
[aghast] Okay, okay!

Spare Tire Dixon:
On the count of three... 3!

Peggy Bundy:
If you're the beneficiary, I love you.

Al Bundy:
If it's me, I don't even know you.

Miss Penza:
[reading from a will] "And so in legacy, I, Stymie C. Bundy, leave you, the last surviving male Bundys, is proof that a male Bundy can achieve great success. Did I mention that I never married? Well, regardless, I'm certain that you have all become successful in your own ways. Iggy Bundy..."

[Al's cousin Iggy is shown wearing a janitor's uniform, and sitting next to his overweight, expensively dressed, redhead wife]

Miss Penza:
"I'm sure you became the astronaut you dreamed of. Lester Bundy...

[Al's cousin Lester is shown wearing a street cleaner's uniform, sitting next to his overweight, expensively dressed, redhead wife]

Miss Penza:
"I'm sure you achieved your goal of becoming a brain surgeon. Eugene Bundy...

[Al's cousin Eugene is wearing a prison uniform, with leg irons and an armed guard with him]

Miss Penza:
"I wonder if you ever achieved your goal of becoming bank president?"

Eugene Bundy:
I did.

Miss Penza:
[still reading from the will] "And last and certainly least of the bunch, Al Bundy. Al, get your hands out of your pants!" [Al, who has his right hand down his waistline complies, looking very annoyed as Miss Penza continues reading] "You were always the loser. You never really had a dream. But I only hope that you had the sense to dump that wild redhead who stole my wallet."

Kelly Bundy:
Hey, Daddy. Whatcha doin'?

Al Bundy:
Nothing you need to know, Pumpkin.

Kelly Bundy:
Ah, a home pregnancy test. Let me show you. Now, you just fill the dropper to the line, and then shake the mix with the anti-HCG conjugate. Put it back into the stand, add the litmus key, and if the test area, not the control area, turns blue, then you have a positive reading.

[Al glares at Kelly who looks embarrassed at how she knows all about the pregnancy test]

Kelly Bundy:
Uh... I saw the Professor do it on Gilligan's Island.

Jefferson:
Al, when are we going to stop sipping this beer and start drinking it?

Griff:
Yeah, all this beer foreplay is making me thirsty.

Ike:
What's foreplay?

Bob Rooney:
It's the act that comes right before sex. It lasts... about ten seconds.

Ike:
Well then what's sex?

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy:
Can you please tell me what a woman's body has to do with selling beer?

Al Bundy:
Pretty women makes us BUY beer. Ugly women makes us DRINK beer.

[Peggy and Marcy are in another taxi driven by a one-eyed Arab driver speeding very fast]

Abdula:
I find driving to be a very Zen experience. I think the faster you go, the faster you get there.

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy:
Yeah, I never knew that a GEO Metro can go 140 miles per hour!

[Peggy and Marcy are being driven by a mechanical-looking taxi driver]

Elmo:
Sorry for the bumpy ride, folks. It's hard to steer when your comming off drugs. Hey, look out!

[the taxi shakes from a metalic thud]

Elmo:
Damn jogger!

Peggy Bundy:
Don't you think you should turn on your headlights?

Elmo:
No, but feel free to turn on yours!

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy:
[to Peggy] We should report him. What's his name? [reads from the ID on the dashboard] Dan Rostenkowski?

Jefferson:
Okay, our next beer is a fine Afghani ale, whose Pashtu name loosely translated means, "yellow mountain run-off".

Bob Rooney:
[a jingling sound is heard from inside the beer cans] Oh, hey listen. There's a prize in every can.

Griff:
I'd be careful about that prize stuff. Remember what fell out of that can of Russian Chernobyl beer?

Ike:
What? That was an olive, right?

Al Bundy:
Sure, with an eyelid.

Jefferson:
Our first beer is a Turkish dark beer from Asia Minor. It is made from agave and bladderwort.

[Al and all the men take a sip, and violently spit it out]

Al Bundy:
[drunk] Hey, Jefferson... I got a bad feeling.

Jefferson:
[also drunk] Al, you drank about 40 beers. It's a wonder you can feel anything at all.

Al Bundy:
No, I could have sworn that I was supposed to do something at nine o'clock. Uh... what time is it now?

Jefferson:
[looks at his wristwatch] It's 10:15.

Al Bundy:
Oh... well, whatever it is that I'm supposed to do... I guess I already did it.

Bob Rooney:
[drunk] Al... I don't want to box anymore. Let's dance!

Al Bundy:
[more drunk] When you were dancing, you wanted to box.

Bob Rooney:
Yeah... but, when I was dancing, I didn't get to lead.

Checker #2:
That'll be $753.84.

[the old lady pulls up a cart with two very large jars filled with coins]

Old Lady:
Every time my husband and I make love...

Al:
Hey, uh, hey, lady, you know, "Hondo" is coming on pretty soon. You know, it's a story about the Wild West. You remember the Wild West, don't you?

Old Lady:
[shouting] Aren't you that mean shoe salesman at the mall?

Al:
[smiling] Well, age before beauty.

Old Lady:
[sweetly] Thank you, Beauty.

Al:
[dejectedly] You're welcome, Age.

Peggy Bundy:
Okay Al, I got your batteries.

Al Bundy:
Peg, these are A's, I needed D's.

Peggy Bundy:
A's, D's, what's the difference?

Al Bundy:
They're too small.

Peggy Bundy:
Then use a lot of them.

Al Bundy:
Better yet, I'll exchange them... for bullets!

Peggy Bundy:
Oh, look Al, they're doing a "Full House" in 3-D.

Al Bundy:
Is the third dimension the funny one?

Al Bundy:
Peg, do we really need Christmas icicles? It's May.

Peggy Bundy:
Well, you'll thank me in December.

Al Bundy:
Only if you leave me in November.

Al:
Don't worry, Peg, I'm not gonna be having a good time. I'll just see what I can in the dark.

Peggy:
Uh, like during sex?

Al:
No, Peg, I can't fake fixing a step.

Man:
My wife and I put a penny in it every time we make love.

[smiles]

Man:
We're like rabbits.

Al:
Good. On Easter I'll dip you both in chocolate and break your heads off.

Kelly Bundy:
Let's do something nice for him. [Buck]

Bud Bundy:
What can we do?

Buck the Dog:
Food would be nice.

Kelly Bundy:
I know. Let's take him out for some exercise.

Buck the Dog:
Oh good, the very thing you need food for.

Kelly Bundy:
Hey I know, lest's play...

Buck the Dog:
Anything but frisbee.

Kelly Bundy:
Frisbee

Buck the Dog:
Noooooo, not the disk of death!

Bud Bundy:
Oh ho ho ho, look at his eyes light up.

Buck the Dog:
I'd tear out both their hearts if my teeth weren't in a glass in my doghouse.

Buck the Dog:
[Kelly and Bud are fighting] Oh come on, she's never gonna get that frisbee to fit there.

Bud Bundy:
Aaaaaargh!

Buck the Dog:
Well I'll be damned.

Bundo:
What is that gizmo?

Evil Bank President:
That's not a gizmo, it's a computer.

Bundo:
[Bundo draws his guns and shoots the computer six times] Now it's a gizmo. Now you take your prairie chicken hide an' cluck on outta here.

Marcy Rhoades:
Thanks for bringing me here, Al. I'm sorry you had to see me like that. I usually pride myself being a lady at all times.

[to the bartender in a rude tone]

Marcy Rhoades:
Hey, lard butt! A couple of brewskis over here!

Al Bundy:
Hey guys, a toast! To the working man. The last American hero. Right guys?

Marcy Rhoades:
[along with all the men] Right!

Al Bundy:
We work to make a living, and what do we get?

Marcy Rhoades:
[along with all the men] Squat!

Al Bundy:
And what else?

Marcy Rhoades:
[along with all the men] Nothing!

Al Bundy:
Then why do we go on?

Marcy Rhoades:
[along with all the men] We're stupid!

Marcy Rhoades:
You know what really frosts my weenie? They don't care how they look. Right guys?

Norris:
Well, I can't complain. At least I live with a woman who has a job like me, makes me dinner, and doesn't mind rubbing my feet after a hard day.

Al Bundy:
Yeah, but your mom's getting kind of old.

TV News Anchor:
And to close, we have a story about a true moron. Tonight, an unemployed househusband and self-described man of nature, thinking that the last Caribbean pygmy turtle born in captivity was unhappy, broke into the zoo aquarium, stole the turtle, and released it into Lake Michigan. Aparently, this man of nature didn't know that it was a saltwater turtle. Witnesses reported that the turtle, Bosco, tried valiantly to crawl back out of the water, only to be thrown back in by this deranged unemployed man, standing on the bank singing "Born Free". Bosco will be missed.

[a photo of a turtle with the caption:
'Bosco, 1901-1989' is shown on the TV screen]

TV News Anchor:
Bail for this insane man has been set at $25,000. Not nearly enough in this reporter's opinion.

Marcy Rhoades:
[looks at the $25,000 check she has] Ah, well. I guess I know what I have to do.

Al Bundy:
You gonna go bail him out?

Marcy Rhoades:
Let him rot. I'm gonna buy myself a new Jag.

Courtney:
Hi, Mr. Bundy. Would you like to buy some chipmunk cookies?

Al Bundy:
No. Go away.

Courtney:
Oh come on. You can't look at cookies and not be hungry. I know your wife never cooks for you. My father told me that all you ever eat is bugs and dirt.

Al Bundy:
Well, you go home and tell your father that you have the mailman's eyes.

Courtney:
Come on. I know you want to buy some cookies. It's food.

Al Bundy:
Oh, all right. I'll take one box of those macadamian nut cookies.

Courtney:
That'll be two dollars.

Al Bundy:
Wait here, I'll go write you a check.

Courtney:
Cash only, Bundy!

Al Bundy:
I'm a shoe salesman. I don't have any cash on me. Give me some credit.

Courtney:
I've heard stories about you passing bad checks all over town. Two dollars, cash only, deadbeat!

Al Bundy:
Get out of here.

Courtney:
[walks away] Eat a bug!

Al Bundy:
Wet a bed!

[Al is on the phone impersonating a rapper]

Al Bundy:
Yo! Rap Channel, you take requests? I'd like you to play the following videos: 'Rump Shaker', 'Gangster Booty', and 'Put Some More Ass on that Lass'. My age? Uh... I'm 15. Oh. Under 18 you need parental approval? No problem. My old lady's right here. She'll aprove.

[to Peggy in his normal voice]

Al Bundy:
Peg, the Rap Channel woun't play my favorite videos unless I get parental approval. Pretend you're my mother. Just tell them it's okay.

Peggy Bundy:
[into the phone] It's okay. He's over 40.

[Al takes the phone away from Peggy and hangs up]

Al Bundy:
Peg, I was having fun! Why'd you have to ruin it by telling them my real age?

Peggy Bundy:
Oh, please! They already knew your real age. I was telling them your I.Q.

[watching Marcy making moans during her banking speech]

Peggy Bundy:
Jefferson, have you ever seen Marcy do this before?

Jefferson D'Arcy:
Not in public. Unless you count the skyway tram at Disneyland.

Peggy Bundy:
You mean she's about to have an o...

Jefferson D'Arcy:
[interupting] Big time! It must be that hypno-therapautic transfer thing that Dr. Angela told her about. I just hope that she's near the end of her speach.

[Marcy lets off a big simulated lovemaking moan]

Jefferson D'Arcy:
I guess not.

Al Bundy:
It doesn't work anymore, Peg.

Peggy Bundy:
What doesn't work anymore?

Al Bundy:
It.

Peggy Bundy:
How can you tell?

Al Bundy:
I've been reading Playboy, Penthouse, Juggs, Hustler, Big 'Uns, Little 'Uns, Round 'Uns, I Between 'Uns. Nothing. Then I remembered something. It hasn't worked since I saw Marcy do that horrible thing at the bank. She killed it. You made it sick, but Marcy killed it.

Peggy Bundy:
Well, I suppose we could just say a little prayer and go on with our lives.

Al Bundy:
That's good for me, but what will you do?

Peggy Bundy:
Oh, don't worry about me. I'll just keep going... and going... and going... and going...

Dr. Angela:
[voice over the radio] We're back with 'Dr. Angela's Loser Line' helping all those in need of help. Let's take our next caller. Go ahead, you're on the air.

Al Bundy:
[voice] Dr. Angela? Hi. My name is... uh... Sal Undy. And I'm having a little... uble tray with my enis pay.

[Al, Bud and Ephraim find the bear in the company of mean street gang. The gang refuse to let the bear go. Al takes off his jacket, preparing to fight the gang leader]

Al Bundy:
Any last words, punk?

Gang Guy:
[snickers] Yeah, your wife's good in bed!

Al Bundy:
[grinning] So, you're a liar, too!

[the gang leader tries to punch Al, but Al blocks his blow and punches him. Bud joins Al, and together they beat up the whole gang]

Lucky the Dog:
[seeing the hibernating bear revive]

[voice-over]

Lucky the Dog:
Bear! Live bear! B-B-B-B-BIIIIIG live bear!

[the bear rumbles past Lucky and to the refrigerator where it opens it and begins rumbling through the food]

Lucky the Dog:
[voice-over] If I were Lassie, I'd bark really loud and alert the family. But since I haven't been fed in weeks... to hell with them!

Kelly Bundy:
Mom, you think Dad will get Grandma and Grandpa back together?

Peggy Bundy:
I hope so. They used to be so happy together. Look at this photo album of theirs. Here's a picture of Grandpa on a seesaw. Now, here's one of Grandma getting on the seesaw. Oh, and here's a picture of Grandpa flying over the distant power lines.

Kelly Bundy:
Oh look, their wedding photos.

Peggy Bundy:
There's Grandma taking the first bite of the wedding cake, which also happened to be the last bite of the wedding cake.

Kelly Bundy:
Mom, do you thing that will ever happen to me?

Peggy Bundy:
What? Getting married?

Kelly Bundy:
No. Gaining 700 pounds.

Al Bundy:
Hey Marcy, did you see some guy dragging off my dead bear?

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy:
He's not dead you chucklehead. He just violated my Mercedes!

Peggy Bundy:
How do you know?

[Jefferson enters looking deshelveled and wide-eyed]

Jefferson D'Arcy:
Because we were in it.

Peggy Bundy:
Marcy, are you okay?

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy:
Oh, I'm all right. A little in shock and jealous.

Peggy Bundy:
Jealous?

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy:
Well, you should have seen him go and go and go. My God, if a car could smile. One thing I know for sure. Tonight, Jefferson, we're playing Buick and the Beast.

Jefferson D'Arcy:
[stammering] I... I... I... I don't know Marcy. I might need some counselling. And, I think you may have to do all the work for a while.

Al:
Hey, Peg, you know what I was dreaming about at work today?

Peggy:
Me, Al?

Al:
Yes, Peg.

Peggy:
Was I in bed?

Al:
Yes you were. In fact, I tied you up.

Peggy:
Ooh, well, that sounds so kinky, Al. What were you doing?

Al:
Cindy Crawford.

Kelly:
[Playing a shoe store customer] Excuse me, Sir, do you have any purple pumps?

Al:
...Certainly we have purple pimps. At Gary's Shoes, we feet your treat.

Griff:
Bud, did I ever tell you that I was Dorothy in my high school production of The Wiz?

Bud:
All male school?

Griff:
No.

Jefferson:
How am I going to pay for this?

Marcy:
Three words.

Jefferson:
I love you?

Marcy:
Try again.

Jefferson:
Hop on Pop?

Marcy:
Get a job.

[Peg and Jefferson gape in horror]

Al:
I hope one of these bills is for a coffin, because your shopping is killing me.

Peggy Bundy:
Al, don't make me stop shopping. You'll destroy my life!

Al:
Good, then we'll be even!

[Al and Peggy are playfully shooting each other with Nerf Ball guns]

Marcy:
What is going on here?

Al:
Foreplay.

Peggy:
No, this can't be foreplay. I'm enjoying it.

Al:
And, I'm in the room.

Marcy:
What's Mr. Potato Head doing in here?

Al:
[misunderstands Marcy] I don't know, you married him.

[he and Jefferson laughs as Marcy is mad]

Marcy:
Not that Mr. Potato Head, the one that's actually worth something.

[Al, Peggy, Jefferson and Marcy are playing a Twister board game]

Peggy:
All right Al, left hand on blue.

Al:
[thinking to himself; voice-over] What is it about this game that's so sexy? I'm touching Peg's rear, and for some reason, it feels pretty good.

Jefferson D'Arcy:
[voice-over] I feel someone touching my rear. I think it's Al. Well, he's not as strong as Marcy, but at least he knows what I like.

Peggy:
[voice-over] Wow, I like this game with all these hands across my back and grouping my tush. This is just like sex except I have a partner.

Marcy:
[voice-over] Oh, I hate this game. Nobody's touching my rear and it's way way up in the air!

Mindy:
Look at all these losers!

Fawn:
And to think that I slept with every guy in this room. What was I thinking that night?

Fawn:
Wow, he ignored both of their moves.

Jessica:
Yeah, it's like he's deaf or something.

Marcy:
So Peggy, do you have any other kids' things?

Peggy:
Well, we have those child safety seats in the garage that we never put into the car.

Jefferson D'Arcy:
Why not?

Al:
Well, we found that it was much easier to just leave the kids at home.

Kelly Bundy:
Ten million dollars! Oh my God, he's the ex-husband of my dreams!

Ashley:
I'm thinking we should have a contest. A duel for Eric's affections.

Kelly Bundy:
You're on. Ok, choose your weapons.

Ashley:
Damn! I knew I should have brought my wet T-shirt.

Ashley:
Thanks Bud, and I want you to know, out of all the nerd-boys I humiliated, you cried the best.

Ashley:
Hey, Kelly, thinking what I'm thinking?

Kelly Bundy:
Why don't things fall up?

Al:
Uh, Peg, maybe you didn't hear me. I said I failed my written test.

Peggy:
Well, I didn't say I was proud of you.

Kelly:
And Mom, Dad got another ticket for a broken tail-light and one for driving without a license.

Peggy:
[with sarcasm] Oh, I'm sorry, Al. Now I'm proud of you.

Al:
Well, a special thanks to everyone who didn't get up this morning to drive me to work.

Bud:
That's my bike. I reported it stolen.

Al:
Well, I'll get arrested for that tomorrow. Today I just got a ticket for a broken tail-light.

Al:
No, this too: right now your daddy's a little irritated, because you cost your daddy 500 freaking dollars, but more important than that - well, not more important than that but as important - you've showed me how little you care. So tomorrow, when I go to get my license...

Kelly:
Who's taking you, Dad?

Al:
I'll crawl on my face. When I come home, your daddy is not going to give you anything: not a smile, no money, no food... I'm not going to lift a finger to help any of you and I don't expect any of you to lift a finger to help me. From now on, we have a new Bundy rule: every man for himself.

Al:
Hey, Steve?

[chuckles]

Al:
You know that two feet, three inches? Well, it was just big enough that a cop spotted me and gave me another ticket for a broken tail-light.

Steve:
Well, I warned you, Al.

Al:
[chuckling] Yeah, oh yeah. You know, me and you just have to go hunting one day. Yeah, I'll get you a pair of antlers to wear.

Steve:
[looking through the booklet] Ooh, these tests are brutal. Ooh, here's one they'll never get me on again: how many feet in advance do you have to signal before making a turn in a business or residential area?

Al:
Who cares?

Steve:
A cop in a business or residential area.

Al:
What a nice little town we live in. Neighborhood's burning down, no cops. There's a robbery, no cops. I start my car, here comes the Bundy squad.

Al:
[ironically] Oh no, that's my pleasure Peg, even though my rates will skyrocket

[to Kelly]

Al:
because you're underage and I'm paying a special rate for

[glances at Peg]

Al:
the bumper-car queen over here...

Kelly:
[smiling emotionally] Well, I know why you don't want me to drive and it's not the insurance. Your little girl is growing up and you can't bear to let her go, huh?

[Kelly wraps her arms around Al]

Al:
No, it's the insurance.

Al:
Peg. Sell the house.

Peggy:
Why, Al? Did you see a shirt somewhere you like?

Al:
Yes. It said, "Congratulate Me, Wife's Dead".

Peggy:
[writing] Saturday, eleven p.m.: make love. 11:05: Al goes to sleep. 11:06: Finish making love.

[Bud is teaching Kelly how to box]

Bud:
Come on, you fight like a girl.

Kelly:
You pee like one.

Bud:
That was a temporary medical condition.

Heather Talrico:
You box as bad as you act.

Kelly:
Yeah? Well you box as bad as Brooke Sheields acts!

Heather Talrico:
You know, Bundy, I'd love to shut that black hole you call a mouth.

Kelly:
With what, that planet you call an ass?

Al Bundy:
I do not floss. I do not eat vegetables. I do not like French pasteries. I do not like the French!

Kelly:
Float like a horsefly, sting like a flea, no one can touch me - I'm Kelly.

Griff:
[seeing Marcy approach] You're busted!

Jefferson D'Arcy:
Her bust? Yeah, isn't it great? If Marcy had headlights like these I wouldn't be going to traffic school!

Al Bundy:
Get out!

Griff:
Al, I thought we were your buddies.

Al Bundy:
We are. That's why I'm throwing you out the door instead of out the window.

Suzie:
I'm sorry to bother you but I broke a heel in my shoe and I heard you were in the shoe business. Can you fix this?

Al Bundy:
Of course I can. I fix these all the time. My wife... oh I mean my former wife wears shoes just like this.

Suzie:
Are you divorced?

Al Bundy:
I can be.

Suzie:
What's she like?

Al Bundy:
Oh, I'd rather not say. You know, she wouldn't want me talking about her in front of another woman. You know. She's the firey type, wiggles when she walks, can't get enought of me in bed. Am I talking about her again?

[there is a knock on Al's front door]

Suzie:
That's okay. I still talk about my ex-boyfriend. Would you like to know what he's like.

[Al opens the door and looks up at an unseen person]

Al Bundy:
Well... let me guess. Big, mean, built like an ape.

[a large muscular arm from ABOVE punches Al in the face who stumbles to his waterbed and falls unconscious, puncturing it]

Suzie:
[walks out] Thanks for fixing my shoe.

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy:
This may come as a shock to you, but I never really cared much about your ex-husband.

Peggy Bundy:
We're not divorced.

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy:
Think positive, Peggy!

Al Bundy:
Uh, excuse me. I'm spending the night with a supermodel. Are these all the condoms you have?

Secretary:
Of course not. I have more in back. Right next to the reality pills.

[first lines]

[Al has a bruse on his face from being punched earlier in the previous episode]

Jefferson D'Arcy:
Oh, Al that's a beaut.

Griff:
I haven't seen a shiner that bad since I told my wife that she was starting to look like Al Roker.

Jefferson D'Arcy:
Well, it look's like Marcy was right. She said that it was only a matter of time before some young woman beat the holy hell out of you.

Al Bundy:
I'll have you know that I got this black eye last night, explaining to a jealous boyfriend how his little lady would rather stay with me.

Jefferson D'Arcy:
Well, where is she?

Al Bundy:
I sent her out shopping for a new waterbed. This one has a leak and I worry when she bounces. So, you just tell Marcy that I'm doing just fine with the ladies. That Al Bundy is not only moving in the fast lane, but he's doing wheelies in it, baby!

[Jefferson exits]

Griff:
Is it true. Al? About the girl?

Al Bundy:
Every word of it. Except that the guy's name was Sasquatch, the girl left with him, and now there's an odor coming from that waterbed that scares even me!

Griff:
Are things really that bad?

Al Bundy:
Yes, things are that bad. Married men, whether separated or divorced, can never go back to being single. See, there's this gene, it's called the single gene. It's in us when we're born. But as soon as we marry, it mysterously disappears. Nobody knows why, but I suspect it's removed chromosone by chromosone by our wives.

Griff:
And how would they go about this?

Al Bundy:
Do we really know why they own so many tweezers?

Griff:
So, Al, if they don't like us being single, why do they keep kicking us out of the house?

Al Bundy:
That's part of their cruel tricks. See, without the single gene, we're helpless. We just wonder around smelling of Rogaine and gin, until finally we fall off our toilets and die.

Peggy:
Do you know how hard it is for a single working mother to find a man?

Bud:
You've never worked, technically you're not single, and you've never been a mother!

Kelly:
Duh!

Peggy:
Let me put it this way: if you don't get out of here, I'm sending you to live with your father! [Bud and Kelly GTFO so fast they tear the door off]

Al:
The two of us are like this Dodge: we're built to last.

Al Bundy:
Still mad at me because I got you neutered, huh?

Buck:
What? You want me to dance for joy? Bring your pipe and slippers? Roll over so you can rub my belly and see my shame?

Al Bundy:
I thought you were supposed to be more affectionate.

Buck:
Yeah, right. How about poking my eyes out? Maybe that'll do it.

Al Bundy:
Come on, Buck. You can't mope around feeling sorry for yourself. Hey, how about I take you for a walk? I heard they painted the fire hydrant at the end of the corner.

Buck:
Nah. A lot of the "male" dogs hang out there.

Al Bundy:
All right, let's clear the air here. This was for your own good.

Buck:
[sarcastic] Oh, thank you master. You know my head is a great source of pleasure for me too. How about cutting it off?

Al Bundy:
Oh come on, Buck. There's got to be something to cheer you up. I know! How about a shiny new collar?

Buck:
[cynical] Oh, yeah! That's much better then what I had before. Gee, how about one with studs? You know to impress the ladies? That is before they find out that I'm a eunuch!

Buck:
Well Bundy, I guess you're pretty darn proud of yourself, huh?

Al Bundy:
Oh come on, Buck. I tried to stop this.

Buck:
You might have tried a little harder.

Al Bundy:
I know, why don't we do something to get your mind off it? Hey, you want to watch the Bears game?

Buck:
Oh, I don't know. I'm not really into sports anymore. How about taking me to a Peter Allen concert?

Al Bundy:
Oh, Buck. I didn't want this to happen.

Buck:
I know you didn't, Bundy. And that what makes it even harder to swallow. Ah, what's the difference? I'm sick of the sight of you! I wish you were dead!

Al Bundy:
Where are you going?

Buck:
Oh, I guess I'll go out and sniff a few butts for old times' sake.

[Buck opens the front door and a blood-splattered, leather-masked chainsaw-wielding figure, Leatherface, and a hockey-masked, machete-wielding figure, Jason Voorhees, enter]

Chainsaw:
Hi. We're insane killers!

[Buck beckons them to come on in]

Al Bundy:
Sic 'em, Buck!

Buck:
Heh, heh!

[Buck exits out the front door where he closes and locks it behind him with Al inside with the two killers who advance towards him]

Al Bundy:
Buck! Oh, Buck! Come back! Save me! I'll give you extra yummies! AHHHH!

Mr. Pittman:
Bundy, I don't want your stupid dog around my poodle ever again. And while we're on the subject, keep your daughter away from my son.

Al Bundy:
Well, she was probably just lending him a dress.

Al Bundy:
I can't believe you're not with me on this thing, Steve. You, me, and Buck... we're guys. We were put on this Earth to conquer, to rule. Then we got married and it's over for us. But Buck... he's in his prime. Look at him, Steve. You can't tell me you're not a little envious. He's got the life. He has the life that all men should have. The life I used to have. A new b*tch every night. Doesn't have to take them out to dinner, doesn't have to dress up, doesn't have to take a bath, and the best part of all is that they're not there in the morning. It's all "woof-woof, bam-bam, thank you ma'am. Don't call me. I'll call you". Think about it, Steve. Isn't that the life that you wanted?

Steve Rhoades:
Well, I really don't mind bathing, Al. Other then that, he's everything I ever wanted to be.

Al Bundy:
Then be like me, Steve. Live through him. No wife, no steady girlfriend, no commitment. Just 365 one night stands out of the year. You see the little poodle he was with?

Steve Rhoades:
[laughs] Yeah, how was she? What am I saying? I'm talking to a dog.

Al:
Wait a second, Peg. Why should I have to fix it? It wasn't me who said "Let's get a picture of your mother leaning up against the fence." It wasn't meant to support a 200-pound woman with a keg under each arm.

Peggy:
It made a nice picture, Al. Now look, the kids are getting old enough to realize that it is not really your part-time job to sit on the couch and test the weight of beer cans. And now you won't even fix the fence. Now what kind of example is that for them?

Al:
Well, if we are an example to the kids, Bud will grow up and get a job that will slowly kill him. And Kelly, well, she'll grow up to believe that a two-income family is a house with two husbands.

[a disgusted Kelly and Bud look at the pregnant Peggy eating 'Tabaki and Clam' ice cream]

Peggy Bundy:
This isn't for me. It's for the baby.

Kelly Bundy:
What are you carrying in there? A chain-smoking otter?

Jefferson D'Arcy:
Well... nobody better pull my finger.

Jefferson D'Arcy:
My uterus hurts.

Peggy Bundy:
[rubbing her pregnant belly] Do we have the munchies? Well, how does a nice salami, goat cheese peanut butter and crayfish sandwich sound? [digs through the refrigerator] Well looky here! [brings it to the table] Lookout below [starts to eat] Something's missing

Bud Bundy:
[arrives with Kelly with some ice cream] Here's your ice cream Mom, Tabaki and clam

Peggy Bundy:
That's the missing ingredient!

Al Bundy:
Once upon a time, there was a young boy. A boy... full of hope. He was single, thus he was happy. Then one night, much like tonight, something rose from the swamp. He heard a noise behind him: thump-thump, thump-thump. He walked a little faster. Thump-thump-thump-thump. Then he saw it. There, in the light of a bar, stood the evil, redheaded, high-heeled spandex monster. He ran from it. He stood it up, he dated others, but nothing could stop it! He could hear it's wild call: "oh honey? Honey?" It was horrible. Finally... it trapped him. Opened... opened its hideous mouth, bared its fangs and said, "marry me!"

Victor:
And did he marry it, Danno?

Al Bundy:
Yes, I'm afraid he did. And he was never heard from again. But the worst of it is that there still some of them out there... there might be one behind that tree! [He points, the kids yell and look] Then again... there might not be. But beware, wherever a man is free, and has change in his pockets, they'll come a creepin' and they can't be stopped. Now, sleep... if you can. [laughs evilly]

[a delirious Steve moans in pain from poison oak exposure and animal bites]

Victor:
What's wrong with Mr. Rhoades?

Al Bundy:
He's dying, Victor.

Steve Rhoades:
[sing-song] Thus dies the house of Agamemnon.

[pirate accent]

Steve Rhoades:
Tie him to the yardarm, Mr. Christian!

[British accent]

Steve Rhoades:
Oh, look father, I sat in somthing icky!

Bud Bundy:
Should I get a club, Dad?

Al Bundy:
Nah, at least watching him gives us something to do.

[gagging sound]

Bud Bundy:
Oh, cool, he's foaming again!

Al Bundy:
Okay kids, we get out of here alive what are we going to do? Victor.

Victor:
Never marry.

Al Bundy:
That's right. So remember, kids, when you meet a woman, no matter how nice she is or what she looks like, remember: women get worse. They get...

Victor:
Older.

Joey:
Meaner.

Bud Bundy:
Fatter?

Al:
I'd rather slam my nose in a car door. I'd rather have a proctologist named Dr. Hook. I would rather watch Roseanne Barr do a striptease than take these little booger machines camping.

[after getting lost in the woods]

Al Bundy:
Don't worry, we've got a secret weapon.

Steve Rhoades:
[offscreen] Owl in my hair! Owl in my hair!

Victor:
It's not him, is it?

Peggy Bundy:
Al, this isn't a check for $10,000. This is a bill for $10,000.

Al Bundy:
If you look a little closer, you'll see it's a bill for $100,000. You see, Buck was ready all right. A little bit more ready than our Lady of Astoria. Or should I say, the late Lady of Astoria.

Peggy Bundy:
To death, Al?

Al Bundy:
And beyond, Peg. But don't worry, the hundred-thou is payable over a three day period. So, I figure a couple of busy days at the shoe store, maybe a lemonade stand manned by my two daughters here, we'll be able to save up enough money to buy a chocolate bar and maybe some nylons for my new cellmate Bruno.

Kelly Bundy:
Daddy, if it'll help any, you can have my share of the $10,000.

Al Bundy:
I'll miss you most of all, scarecrow.

Peggy Bundy:
[off-screen] Come on, Al. Is that the best you can do?

Al Bundy:
Peg, I can't concentrate if you're going to keep shouting instructions!

Peggy Bundy:
Not like that you moron! Who taught you to do this anyway?

Al Bundy:
All right, that's it! I quit! Haven't we done enough for one day?

Peggy Bundy:
Oh, all right. At least you did something.

[Al and Peggy enter from the back yard after cleaning up after Buck]

[Al and Peg come up from the dark cellar]

Peggy:
Oh, Al, take me again!

Peggy:
I didn't even know I was taking you then, I tripped on a box and then I thought the furnace fell on me!

Marcy:
[imitating Al's caveman ancestors] Me no understand wheel thing. Wanna buy some shoes?

Al:
[Bud has covered a poster of a sexy woman with a picture of Barbara Bush] Aah. What the hell are you doing?

Bud:
Studying.

Al:
What? Why presidents marry ugly?

Miss Hardaway:
Bud Bundy, you are charged for indecent exposure and lewd behavior. How do you plead?

Bud:
Absolutely, 100% not guilty.

Bud:
Miss Hardaway has had a crush on me for years. In fact, at this very moment she's thinking what I look like under my clothes.

Miss Hardaway:
That is a tight little lie. Er, I mean a little white lie.

Bud:
I was caught having sex in the college library.

Al:
All right. That's my boy.

[Starts shaking Bud's hand]

Al:
Who's the lucky girl?

Bud:
You're shaking her.

TV:
This is Senator Bob Packwood, live from the Big 'Uns Olympics. The officials are on the field measuring... it's a new world record. 72.5 inches, she's won the gold.

Dean:
I think we have a unanimous verdict. We will dismiss this case, allow Mr. Bundy to graduate, and seal the records, so as to maintain the good name of the Michael Milken Library.

Griff:
Al, lighten up. You didn't have a problem when Kelly dated that wealthy older man.

Al:
I wouldn't have a problem if BUD dated a weathy older man. Anybody but Gary.

Peggy Bundy:
Al, would you relax? You told Bud to find someone desperate.

Al:
[referring to his boss, Gary] When I said aim low, I didn't think he'd excabate the Tar PITS!

Al:
I'm talking 'bout a break room, Peg. At work. With massage tables and a fridge full of beer. As long as Bud keeps Gary happy, I'm happy. And as long as I'm happy... I'm happy.

Peggy:
Yeah, well, what about me?

Al:
Don't be selfish, Peg.

Al:
And love and marriage go together like... Peg, what do love and marriage go together like?

Peggy:
How the hell should I know?

Peggy Bundy:
Kelly, was I a bad mother?

Kelly Bundy:
I don't know, whose mother are you?

Bud Bundy:
Did you hear any noises last night, Kel? [Kelly shakes her head for "no"] I mean, for a while I thought they were coming from your room, but they weren't the usual noises. You know, the whispers, "Quiet. You'll wake up my parents." Then the muffled sound of eight footsteps heading for the window. Then the sound of loose change hitting the pillow.

Kelly Bundy:
You know, Bud, with your good looks I think that you should be a model. I mean, I could see it now, your face on a poster with the caption: "My daddy didn't use a condom."

Al:
You know I had a horrible dream last night. There was this big mosquito with a huge red head and tight pants, hovering over me, sucking money from my wallet. Then it wanted a kiss. [slight pause] By the way, where is your mother?

Peggy:
Why are you so afraid of a little mouse, anyway?

Peggy:
Well, it all started when I was five. You see, I found this little stray Chihuahua puppy in the yard. I snuck it past my mother, and I kept it in my room. I slept with it and snuggled it and kissed it and then one day it got sick.

Al:
Hmm, and still you go on kissing others.

Peggy:
Anyway, I took it to my kindergarten teacher and I said, "What's wrong with my dog?" She said, "That's not a dog, dear. It's a mouse." And then she threw up... and then all the kids threw up. And then, they made up this little song about me: "Mouse in your face, worms in your hair. Where's the little mouse girl? There, there, there." [Al, Bud and Kelly laugh heartily] Well, that's sweet. Thank you very much.

Al:
Well, kids, I think we learned something today. Don't touch your mother, she's got cooties.

Peggy:
Kids, I'm sorry to make such a big fuss over such a little thing like a mouse. But, you know, there are some things from childhood, you just can't forget.

Kelly Bundy:
I hope this isn't true, Mom.

Peggy:
Now, how about a hug?

Bud Bundy:
Can't, Mom. You've got cooties.

Peggy:
Is he down there? Did you get him? What happened, Al?

Al:
He doodied on the trap... and in my bowling shoes.

Peggy:
Oh, my god. He was in your shoes and he lives? This is no ordinary mouse.

Kelly Bundy:
Can we call the exterminator now?

Al:
No, no, it's personal now. Not only will I kill this mouse, I'll torture it. I'll smack him around. I'll throw it against the wall. And if there's one spark of life left in its twitching little body, I'll strap it to a chair, tape its eyelids open and make it watch thirtysomething. No one doodies in Al Bundy's shoes and lives!

Al:
I went downstairs, and I only pretended to take up all the traps. But I left one, a big one with a nice juicy piece of cheese. And this one won't go off with just a little pressure, giving him time to escape - no, this one takes the entire body of the mouse to set it off. I checked it myself.

[holds up his bandaged left thumb and laughs heartily]

Peggy:
You know, that's what really sets you apart, Al. An average Joe would have used a stick.

Peggy:
Al, it was horrible. It was terrible. I've never been so scared in my entire life.

Al:
What's the matter? You see the vacuum?

Al:
I'm going bowling.

Peggy:
Oh no you're not. You are not leaving this family alone until either you or the mouse is dead.

Peggy:
Kill it, Al.

Al:
Well don't worry. As soon as it sees how we live, it will go away... I know I would.

Kelly Bundy:
Dad, you cannot be serious! A mousetrap in MY room?

Bud Bundy:
The guys under the bed object, Kel?

Kelly Bundy:
Dad, it's a humiliation! What will my friends think when they see mousetraps everywhere?

Al:
Well, they'll think that unlike Mr. Bundy, the mouse gets to eat before he dies.

Kelly Bundy:
Mom, how long are we gonna have to live with this mouse?

Peggy:
Well, your father's taking care of it.

Kelly Bundy:
Oh great, might as well build him a room!

Bud Bundy:
It says right here, that mice are pretty intelligent.

Al:
Yeah, right. Look, Bud. A mouse has a brain about this big. [makes a space of half an inch with his fingers]

Al:
Mine's at least twice that size!

Bud Bundy:
Yeah, but if you only use it half as much, it becomes a fair fight again.

Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardinal:
[TV news is covering NO MA'AM's shirtless protest] This is Miranda Veracruz de la Hoya Cardinal saying: yikes!

Al:
My country would never rule against me.

Bud:
Dad, they ruled against you.

Al:
Damn George Washington. I wish he was dead.

Peggy:
Hi, Al. I brought you lunch.

Al:
Thanks, Peg. Peg, this is just three pieces of bread. Where's the meat?

Peggy:
Think of it as a club sandwich; hold the club.

Al:
I wish I was holding a club. Oh well, it's gotta be better than yesterday's hot dog bun on rye.

Jefferson D'Arcy:
Al, aren't you afraid that Gary will find out that you turned this into a men's shoe store?

Al:
Who's Gary?

Jefferson D'Arcy:
[chuckles] You know, Gary of "Gary's Shoes".

Al:
Jefferson, I've worked here twenty years...

[Al stops in the mid-sentence, frowning]

Al:
Twenty years? Where the hell has my life gone? But anyway, I've never even seen Gary. I don't even know if Gary exists. But you know, I've never been this happy for years. Let me sit back and revel in it.

[Al leans back in the armchair, calm and relaxed. Bud just finished talking on the phone]

Bud:
Dad? It was Gary's office on the phone. Gary's flying in the day after tomorrow to take a personal look at the store.

[Al nods, suddenly doesn't look so relaxed]

Kelly Bundy:
Oh, Dad, so you traded your women's shoes for men's shoes without telling your boss. I mean, it's not like last week when you bought that 200 dollar bowling ball and you didn't tell Mom. Now THAT would be trouble.

[Peg looks at Al, annoyed]

[after hearing that Gary is going to come to the store, Al glued high heels and ribbons to all the men's shoes, to make them look like women's shoes. He tells Kelly to pretend that she is customer, to mislead Gary]

Al:
You know, I really think we can pull this off. I mean, even if women can tell that these aren't women's shoes, Gary won't know the difference - he's a man!

[Gary enters - and turns to be a woman]

Gary:
Hi! I'm Gary. I own this store.

Al:
[to himself] Of course.

Gary:
Mr. Bundy, I have holdings all over the world. I own airlines; I own oil wells; I own men...

Al:
I'm... I'm... I'm for sale.

Gary:
I said MEN. Anyhow, I ALMOST made the Forbes 400 last year. I was no. 401. You know why?

Al:
Because you're too beautiful to be perceived as a successful businesswoman?

Gary:
That's what I thought. But no, because of this shoe store.

Al:
That was my second guess.

Gary:
This is my only holding I have that is never ever made me any money.

Al Bundy:
Why does every woman that comes in here says they are a size five shoe?

Griff:
I don't know. I guess women just aren't comfortable with what size they are.

Al Bundy:
I'm glad we're men. Men are superior to women, right?

Griff:
Right.

Al Bundy:
We never lie about size. Well, of course I don't.

Griff:
Well, I don't either.

Al Bundy:
Neither do I.

[both Al and Griff stare at each other]

Griff:
Contest?

Al Bundy:
Let's rock!

[Al gets out a foot measurer as Griff prepares to take down his slacks when a young, attractive woman walks in]

Al Bundy:
May we show you something?

Al:
To put it in the words of your people, Marcy; cluck no!

Steve:
Uh, hi Peggy; uh, Al. Hope we're not interrupting anything.

Al:
Naaaah, just going to have a little sex with the wife. What the heck, there's always next month.

Al:
Well, I'll tell ya something. Peg-feet and the return of warm weather sure makes for a deadly combination.

Al:
Get out! Out! Out! Pretend there's a keg on the lawn. Out! Out!

Marcy:
Look, we know Bella can be loud; and annoying; and the whole neighborhood hates his guts; but at least he's a good protecter.

Bud:
Mom, that's just what you say about Dad!

Steve:
You shot my dog in the middle of a bowel movement?

Al:
Where are the kids?

Peggy Bundy:
Upstairs.

Al:
What if they come down?

Peggy Bundy:
I'll take care of that. [shouts upstairs] Bud, Kelly, do you want to come down and help me in the kitchen? [two doors slam]

Peggy:
I'll be home just as soon as I find Dad, and believe me, I am leaving no stone unturned.

Al:
Where are you?

Peggy:
Well I just left Tiffany's. You wouldn't believe how big some of their stones are.

Al:
You should see some of mine. I just felt a big one leave my kidneys and head for my urinary tract.

Kelly:
[Is holding a nude calendar from USC] Look, my new calendar came in. "The buns of Usk".

Crystal Clark:
I'm sorry, Bud, I just can't pose for a national calendar. I mean, what if my parents saw me?

Bud:
It's not like you're gonna be nude or anything.

Crystal Clark:
What would I be wearing?

Bud:
This.

[presents a string bikini]

Bud:
It's a large.

[last lines]

Crystal Clark:
With kind words, Bud Bundy helped to convince me I have nothing to be ashamed of. And, he's quite the kisser.

Bud:
YES! Everyone knows I kissed her. I am a god!

TV Host:
Now, Crystal, you said there's something you wanted to tell the world live on our show.

Bud:
She's gonna propose to me. I do.

Crystal Clark:
Yes, it's time for my family and the rest of the world to see the person I've become. Bud Bundy has made me proud to be a woman who was born... a man.

Floyd Babcock:
How dare you take my name. From now on, I'm only referring to you as 'Little'.

Little Floyd:
Funny, that's how Mom refers to you.

Peggy:
Al, I am trying to save my parents' marriage. This is not about you or your stupid money. I gotta go.

[Drives off in a limousine]

Al:
[Hangs up] That was Mom, and she left us.

Bud:
Mom is gone?

Al:
Yeah.

Bud:
Was it something I did?

Al:
I don't know. Maybe.

Al:
[to Bud, about him solving a problem] You better! If not, I'm taking you out of the will! Wait a minute, that's no punishment... I'm putting you *in* the will!

Bud:
I want to be sincere with you and tell you how much this calendar means to me. Um, Crystal, I don't talk about my brother much. But, well, Judd and I... We were born Siamese twins. We shared everything, we had to. And then came that awful day when we had to go our separate ways. I went to school and Judd went into a Mason jar. We don't expect him to live very long, I mean he's not much more than an eye, a foot and some hair. But you see I made him this solemn promise that I would make him a calendar of the best damn good looking girls at Trumaine. So Crystal, if you can't do this for me, do it for that little lost boy in the Mason jar. What do you say?

[Crystal glares at him]

Bud:
O.K.

Bud:
Parents love their children no matter what they do.

Al:
Damn you, Kelly. You ate my last Hershey's Kiss. You're in the will.

Kelly:
NO, DAD. NO.

Bud Bundy:
[to Kelly's plea for help] What the hell. I hate you, but you're my sister.

Steve Rhoades:
[demonstrating tap-dancing to Kelly] Hop-shuf-fle-step, fa-lap-ball change. Now you try.

Kelly Bundy:
[as she tap-dances] Nerd-geek-dweeb, duh-weeb-nerd-DORK!

Bud Bundy:
[noticing the song Steve and Kelly are dancing to] "Anything Goes". That's your song, isn't it, Kel?

[after the fat and ugly Mrs. Wicker jumbs on Al]

Al Bundy:
She bit me on the neck, Peg! Now I'll live forever!

Kelly Bundy:
[practicing tap-dancing] Hop-shuffle-death! Hop-shuffle-fail! Hop-shuffle-bus station!

Al Bundy:
Two months ago, I bought 20 pair of socks. Now I got 20 swinging singles with only one complete pair.

Peggy Bundy:
Then wear them.

Al Bundy:
I can't. They're the socks I got married in... the evil socks.

Al Bundy:
I called all my friends and their socks are disappearing too and their wives claim they don't know either. So level with me Peg. What is Oprah telling you to do with our socks?

Kelly Bundy:
Principal Wicker's been out to get me ever since I stole her stupid husband... I mean some chalk.

Kelly Bundy:
There's this guy at school... he is a God... the janitor at our school... so obviously, all the girls want him.

Peggy Bundy:
Ok, I'm with you, I'm with you.

Kelly Bundy:
Alright, so I've been playing it cool, you know, a little smile, a little wink, a little "Hey Bruno, look at this", you know, he's on the hook and I'm just about to land him. He thinks I'm cool, but if he sees me wearing these horseshoes, he's going to go for some other slut. [starts crying] Oh Mom!

Al Bundy:
Remember the Bundy credo. When one Bundy is embarrassed, the rest of us feel better about ourselves.

Al Bundy:
Did Daddy ever let you down before?

Kelly Bundy:
Lots of times.

Al Bundy:
Then you won't be surprised at what Daddy has to say.

Al Bundy:
[to the fat and ugly Mrs. Wicker] Good evening, Mrs. Wicker. You're looking... less ugly tonight then usual.

Al Bundy:
You're not gonna make my daughter go through this, are you? Do you know how humiliating this is for her? So... she's done some bad stuff. Which youngster doesn't? Think back to when you were younger. Roaming the range with the rest of the buffalo. Scratching up against a tree. Trembling to the sound of the iron horse.

Mrs. Wicker:
That's enough! She dances or she's expelled!

Al Bundy:
[to Peggy] I tried. There's just no charming her, Peg.

Bud Bundy:
[final line] [offstage, over the crowd] Kelly! A Kennewick sister's got me! HELLLLP!

Al:
A fat woman clip-clopped into the shoe store today and said, "I need something I'd be comfortable in." So, I said, "try Wyoming."

Buck:
Yeah. Like your family is any better.

Bud:
Any dedication request for me?

Kelly:
Yeah, three actually. "Lonely Boy", "Like a Virgin", and "When a Man Loves a Rubber Woman".

Bud:
And I'll bet you got yours, "She Works Hard For the Money".

Kelly:
Now whatever gave you the idea that I'm some cheap tramp?

Radio:
And now, dedicated to Kelly Bundy, "She Works Hard For..."

[Kelly throws the radio on the floor, breaking it]

Al:
Marcy, I need your advice. How can a young, attractive, not-so-bright woman like my daughter Kelly earn $1,000 in three nights?

Marcy:
Well, lets see. Either as an opening act for M.C. Hammer, or by spanking elderly gentlemen in a tight black leather dress.

Al:
Hey now, my daughter may be a lot of things, but she would never resort to professions like that.

[Kelly enters wearing a tight black leather dress]

Kelly:
Daddy, I'm going out now and I'll be home by dawn.

Al:
Sure, have a good time pumpkin.

[Kelly exits]

Al:
Now, as I was saying, if my daughter was doing something illegal or immoral, I would know about it.

[the phone rings]

Al:
Hello? No, Kelly's out. Sure, I'll take a message. What's that? You have the money... and you can't wait to see if she's good as the guys say she is? Huh? Uh-ah... and you'll meet here where? Uh-ah... well maybe I'll see you there.

[Al has his head propped up on two beer bottles]

Jefferson D'Arcy:
Well Al, you're looking better. You've stopped air-guitaring "It's a Small World".

Al:
Yeah, it's the beer. Turns out, the brain doesn't need blood. Just gotta keep the brain wet. So what's going on?

Jefferson D'Arcy:
Well, we were up 5 grand, and I said we should take the money and leave, but you said "Damn a unified Germany, play on."

Al:
[delirious] Hey now, umpire, he's got a horse in his pocket! I need a ruling!

TV Announcer:
Coming up next is the television special, "I Drink Because My Father is A Shoe Salesman".

Al:
[skyward] Good one.

[Kelly needs money for her stake in a pool bet; Al zombie-walks into the bar, with gauze taped up the length of both arms]

Kelly:
Daddy, you look so pale.

Al:
Perhaps that's because I've been running all over town, selling pints of blood to nine blood banks.

Jefferson:
Al, the human body only holds eight pints.

Al:
Well, that's what they say, but the brain hides some!

Al:
[delirious] Remember, pumpkin, that the fate of not only King Charles, but of the entire Restoration, lies on this shot... this tape will self-destruct in five seconds.

[faints]

[Jefferson is managing Kelly's pool-hustling; Al comes into the bar and sees him dressed like a pimp]

Jefferson D'Arcy:
Oh, hey, Al! Man, you should see your daughter in action, she's...

[Al seizes Jefferson by the throat and slams him down onto the pool table]

Al:
Say goodnight, Super Fly.

Kelly:
[comes back from the bathroom] Daddy, what are you doing here?

Al:
Stand back, Pumpkin. He's about to pop and you don't want teeth and eyes all over you.

Bud Bundy:
Dad, you got a minute?

Al:
For you, Bud? Nah.

Bud Bundy:
I'm not Bud! How many times do I have to tell you? When the hat is on, I'm Streetrapper Grandmaster B! When it's off, I'm Bud. Got it? Now, the hat is on. Who am I?

Al:
Mommy's second little joke on me?

Bud Bundy:
The Grandmaster is not amused. Now listen, Dad, I need twenty bucks for a pizza. But I need you to leave it on the coffee table so I can pretend to steal it in front of the girl. 'Cause, after all, I am an outlaw.

Al:
Well, I'm sorry, Grasshopper...

Bud Bundy:
That's Grandmaster, you fool!

Al:
Gas Passer, Bass Haster, what's the difference? All right, look, it looks like I'm gonna have to communicate with you in the language of the street. [cups his fist to his mouth, and "raps" out a beat] Yo, I'm broke!

Bud Bundy:
The Grandmaster will not forget this.

Al:
[delirious] Let's shoot pool, fat man.

Al:
[delirious] Hey! Everything looks like noodles in here!

Kelly Bundy:
Guess what, I finally got my masseuse license. You know what that means?

Bud Bundy:
You can rub men and finally get paid for it?

Kelly Bundy:
No, master of self-massage. It means as a licensed masseuse, I can make some money... Oh yeah, guess you're right.

Bud Bundy:
I can't move my legs! I can't move my legs!

Kelly Bundy:
That's not true, they're... they're twitching.

Kelly:
[trying out the new microwave] Mom! This is the third time I've pressed the popcorn button and nothing has come out.

Peggy:
Well, honey, try the dinner plate. Maybe that will work.

Bud:
Uh, 'Betty and Moronica'. You have to put food in the microwave to get food out.

Peggy:
What good is that?

Peggy:
Uh, honey, why don't you stay home and bowl me over?

Al:
Because, Peg, I prefer a place where my balls are returned properly.

Gary:
You know, I could get a trained chimp to do your job, but it'd be a waste of a perfectly good trained chimp.

Al:
Yeah, but it's such a nice vacation for him to get out of your bedroom.

Griff:
[sucking up] By the way, I think that is one lucky chimp.

Gary:
This year, we're going to have a sales contest. First place gets the raise. Second place gets a swift kick in the ass!

Al:
Why don't you give is a real incentive? Let the winner kick you in the ass!

Gary:
Instead of kicking my butt, you should be kissing it.

Al:
Hey! What do you think I look like, your monkey?

Marcy, Jefferson, Kids:
[singing] Bundy the no-man / He's as bald as he can be. With hair in his nose and rot on his toes / He's as bald as he can be; Bundy the no-man / He's as bald as he can be/He's into old age, making minimum wage / He's as bald as he can be.

Peggy:
And what would you like for Christmas, Bud?

Bud Bundy:
[as a baby] Playboys, hooters. Playboys, hooters.

Peggy:
Aw, his first words.

Bud Bundy:
[normal voice] Like hell.

Al Bundy:
What the hell did that fat boy want a pony for? To put between two giant slices of bread?

Al Bundy:
Ho, ho, ho. What do you want for Christmas little boy?

Matt:
I don't really want anything. I just want and end to pollution. Let's start here. You're breath stinks!

[the boy sprays mouthwash into Al's mouth]

Al Bundy:
Ahh! Always remember that Santa hates you.

Matt:
[sarcastic] Oh, yeah? What are you going to do? Chant a spell and turn me into a frog, a bum, or a shoe salesman?

Al Bundy:
Ho, ho, ho. What do you want for Christmas little girl?

Denise:
A husband to yell at and torture.

Al Bundy:
Well, not this year. But I'm pretty sure you'll get one.

Marcy:
Hi Santa! What's that smell? Did one of your raindeer leave a no-no? Oh my bad. That must be the ghost of foot fungus past.

Al Bundy:
Ho, ho, ho, little girl. You don't have to tell Santa what you want for Christmas. Santa knows what you want for Christmas. You want a pair of breasts... just a grown-up woman. But Santa says, be happy with that you have which is the body of a young boy.

Al Bundy:
A fat woman came into the shoe store today and wanted a pair of shoes to wear to a Christmas party. I told her to stand on her hands, put a star on her butt, and go as the world's largest, ugliest Christmas tree. Then she has the nerve to get mad at me because she's fat.

[a very drunk Al is passed out at the Santa Bar]

Al Bundy:
It was all worth it... it was all worth it...

Bartender:
Hey, wake up buddy. It's closing time. Five o'clock.

Al Bundy:
Oh, I was dreaming. I gave my son breasts.

Bartender:
That's a very cool dream, sir.

Al Bundy:
Well, uh... how much do I owe you for all these beers?

Bartender:
Nothing. You already paid... for everybody. Well you were unconscious, and the other Santas lifted your wallet while you were out. But I figured that you wanted to pay for all of them, you being Santa and all.

[the bartender laughs and Al begins to sheepishly laugh too, realizing that he now has no money to buy Christmas presents for his family. Al then grabs the bartender by his collar, and looks at his gold necklace which has the word 'Ray' stamped on it]

Al Bundy:
And now... uh "Ray". Can we talk?

Shirley:
Aren't you open?

Al:
Sorry ma'am but unlike your mouth we occasionally close.

Shirley:
I want my money back, these shoes fell apart after one day and I wanna know why.

Griff:
Well you see ma'am this is a pliant heel with a cork filling.

Al:
Where as you are a giant seal with a pork filling.

Shirley:
You haven't heard the last of this, what goes around comes around.

Al:
Well considering your orbit looks like I have but ten more years.

Shirley:
[rips coupon] That's it!

Peggy Bundy:
Hey, that's our dinner coupons. You fat cow.

[Shirley and the fat women are insulted]

Gwen:
No. No. No. We don't like to be called FAT!

Peggy Bundy:
Then stay HOME!

Al:
[laughing] You go, girl! [high-fives Peggy]

Matilda:
[flashback] I don't understand it. I was a size six before aerobics class. All the jumping must've expanded my foot.

Al:
And I see you must've fallen on your but a time or two.

Matilda:
How dare you say that to my face?

Al:
Well I'd say it behind your back, but my car's only got half a tank of gas.

[flashback ends and Shirley doesn't look impressed by Al's fat insults]

Shirley:
What do you say to that, Bundy?

Al:
Well I'd say I used heroic restraint much like the witness' girdle.

Al:
There's no Hell like home.

Lucifer:
Now here comes my favorite part, your itenuary of eternal torments. For the next millenium, you'll be exclusively dining on the most hideous food ever known to man.

[lifts the top to reveal weenie tots]

Lucifer:
Weenie Tots.

Al:
Oooh, I love those.

Lucifer:
Really? Well what you don't know that a steady diet of weenie tots would cause you to spend an eternity in the bathroom.

Al:
[shrugs] Why do you think I love them?

Lucifer:
[lowers lid and orders the cook leaves] All right, Mr. Bundy. Since you find Hell such a picnic. How about this? For the rest of eternity, you'll never see your family again!

Al:
[kneels and breaks down] This is HEAVEN!

[Al is playing Hangman with Napoleon]

Napoleon:
Hmmmmmmm. Could it be zhe letter, P?

Al:
Hangman, I win.

[laughs]

Al:
It's French Fries, you idiot. Not too smart, are you?

[Al sticks his hand in his pants as Napoleon leaves]

Al:
Man what I would give to play for the Chicago Bears. I'd sell my soul to play for the Bears.

[knock on the front door and Al opens it]

Lucifer:
Good afternoon. I'm here to fix your television.

Al:
Nothing wrong with my television.

Lucifer:
Oh... [Lucifer snaps his fingers and the TV set explodes]

Al:
Uh, you know my wife needs some fixing too.

[Al sees that Peggy and Jefferson are sitting motionless in from of the TV set]

Al:
Peg? Jefferson?

Lucifer:
They can't hear you. I've frozen them.

Al:
Please! These are two of the laziest people in the world. You want to impress me, make them get jobs.

Lucifer:
I'm the devil, not a genie.

Jefferson D'Arcy:
[after Al drops dead on the football field] What's he doing?

Peggy Bundy:
Oh, my God. He's either dead or having sex.

Lucifer:
Allow me to introduce my team. Erik the Red, Attila the Hun, Genghis Khan, Brutus, and my favorite, Goliath.

Al:
These guys aren't football players.

Lucifer:
I know. They just hurt people.

Al:
That's not fair. I don't have a team.

Lucifer:
Oh, sure you do, Al.

[Peggy, Kelly, Bud, Jefferson, and Marcy appear behind Al all wearing football uniforms]

Al:
Like I said, I don't have a team.

Al:
If you're a repairman, where's your butt crack?

Lucifer:
My tail's covering it. I'm Lucifer.

[the devil takes off his cap to reveal a pair of horns in his forehead]

Al:
Peg, one of your relatives is here!

Peggy Bundy:
Al Bundy, this is all your fault. I shouldn't be down here in Hell with you. I should be up in Heaven having sex with a young Elvis.

Al:
Well, then it wouldn't be Heaven for him anymore, would it?

Pete:
You Al Bundy?

Al Bundy:
Yes, hold the applause. What do you want?

Pete:
I just think you oughta know, that your wife has been seeing my husband.

[Pete has just told Al that his "husband" is seeing Peggy]

Al Bundy:
Let me get this straight - pardon the expression...

Al:
Feed me, or feed me to something. I just want to be part of the food chain.

[Bud and Kelly are impersonating Al and Jefferson at a Jeffersons live-theater show]

Kelly:
This is the lowest thing that I've ever done.

[Bud stares skeptically at Kelly]

Kelly:
Okay, the lowest thing I've ever been paid to do.

[Bud continues staring at Kelly]

Kelly:
Okay, the lowest thing I've ever been paid to do that I didn't enjoy.

[Bud nods with approval]

Al:
[watching "The Jeffersons"] Oh my God. It's Wheezy in a bathing suit!

Al:
Hello, Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Fire Arms? I have an alcohol question: Who was in the very first Lite Beer commercial? I say it was Bubba Smith but I have a friend who thinks it was... Hello?

Jefferson:
What year did the Cubs last win the World Series?

Al:
1908.

Peggy:
And yet you can't remember the year we were married?

Al:
Same year, 1908. Only difference is, baseball is still interesting.

Peggy:
Maybe that's because they score more than once a season.

Peggy:
Al, what was I wearing the day we met?

Al:
Too much make-up.

Jefferson:
Who was in the very first Lite Beer commercial?

Al:
No problem. You're talking beer, you're talking my language.

Marcy:
You're talking beer, you're talking his belly.

Al:
[Marcy is wearing a white turtle-neck sweater] Why do I suddenly have an uncontrollable urge to play t-ball?

Bud:
Hey, Dad, we heard the sports bar is opening the same night as the Jeffersons tour.

[Stifling laughter]

Bud:
Which one are you going to?

[Laughs]

Al:
Ha ha ha. Kids, you wanna do ol' Dad a favor before he kills ya?

Bud:
I cannot believe this actually worked. Mom was so convinced I was Dad that she picked my pocket during the last scene change.

Kelly:
What are you complaining about? At least you didn't get a hickey from Marcy!

Marcy:
It's the Jeffersons Movin' On Up Tour.

Bud:
Was the Facts of Life Eatin' On Up Tour all sold out?

Kelly:
[At a Jeffersons stage show] Where's the guy that says, "Dyno-Mite."?

Bud:
No, you're thinking of that other show, "Gimme A Stroke".

Kelly:
If Beavis and Butt-head did a live stage show 100 years from now, I'd go to it.

Bud:
Kelly, Beavis and Butt-head are cartoons.

Kelly:
They prefer to be called "dimensionally challenged".

Jefferson:
You copied that from Bugs Bunny.

Al:
No, Daffy Duck.

Jefferson:
Bugs.

Al:
Daffy.

Jefferson:
Bugs.

Al:
Daffy.

Peggy:
Why are you two introducing yourselves to each other?

Al:
[to Peg] Well, if you came with a remote and mute button, I might turn you too every now and then.

Peggy Bundy:
Look, there are two things that Peggy Bundy does not do. Number one: cook, clean, swew, iron, vacuum, and parent. Number two: is exercise.

[Al is reading from a newspaper about Jim Jupiter's death]

Al Bundy:
"Jim Jupiter dies on-air on his show." Blah, blah, blah..."county coroner gave his report on Jim's death. Blood sugar level: enough to kill three horses. Cholesterol level: high enough to dam the mighty Mississippi."

Peggy Bundy:
This is all my fault, Al. I killed the healthiest man in Chicago.

Al Bundy:
So? You've slowly been killing me for years and you don't seem to care.

Al Bundy:
C'mon, everybody, family meeting. [they all sit] Now, Peg, I know you think you're responsible for killing Jim. And yet you have no guilt of squashing the life out of me, but that's another meeting. Anyway, what I'm saying is, you didn't kill Jim. Good health killed Jim. See, he purified his body so completely, that when finally called on to do so, he couldn't handle the grease and sugar and toxic waste that we call food. He rendered himself extinct. See, healthy people are like dinosaurs. They're not fit to survive.

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy:
Hi. We were just wondering, do you know where Seven is?

Peggy Bundy:
No.

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy:
Well, let me put your minds to rest. He's been living with just for the past three days. He walked in when you left for that Hawaii/Rock of Ages thing and now doesn't want to leave.

Jefferson D'Arcy:
He's improving slowly. He still can't read, write, or use a knife and fork, but he has learned to chant "kill the Bundys" with us and and the other neighbors.

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy:
If you don't mind, we were thinking about renaming him Henry, after my father.

Peggy Bundy:
[shrugs] Sure, that's okay.

Al Bundy:
[shrugs] What do we care? Do what you want.

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy:
What we want is for you to come and get him. He's irritating. He calls us Dad and Little Dad.

Peggy Bundy:
Al doesn't want to be buried next to me. Isn't that the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard?

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy:
Well, yes. I think that the vows of marriage are sacried. That's when I die, I'm going to be buried next to my husband Steve.

Jefferson D'Arcy:
Uh, my name is Jefferson. And I'm your husband now, and by the way, we are not in bed so there's no excuse for calling me Steve. He is your ex-husband.

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy:
Oh, don't take it personally. Every woman scream out "Steve" during sex. Don't they, Peggy?

Peggy Bundy:
Not me. It's too long a name.

Al's Father:
So, how's tricks? How are the kids?

Al:
Fine.

Al's Father:
How are my Playboys?

Al:
You know, huh?

Al's Father:
[sarcastically] No, I care how you and the kids are.

Steve Rhoades:
Hooter alert!

Peggy:
I can't believe you still have that car.

Al:
I can't believe I still have you.

Al:
[Reading off names of dirty movies] Schindler's Lust, Booty and the Beast, and my favorite, Forrest Hump.

Peggy:
Hey Al, I found one. It's called Like Water for Chocolate, it's a love story.

Al:
What a coincidence, Peg, I found a love story too: Mrs. Assfire.

Peggy:
Water.

Al:
Fire.

Bud:
Hello, you're on the Virgin Hotline. This is your counselor... Eugene.

Kelly:
[On phone] Hi, my name is Isis J. Blowupdoll. And my boyfriend, Bud, hasn't been able to keep his hands off me ever since I came out of the box. Now, should I try to stay firm or just explode and go to pieces?

Bud:
Yeah, very funny, Kel. Don't let me keep you, I'm sure the trucker paid for the WHOLE hour.

Peggy:
You haven't liked a single movie I've selected.

Al:
That's because they all suck.

Peggy:
Fried Green Tomatoes sucks?

All the men:
Yes.

Clerk:
Here are the videos we've held for you: Silence of the Loins and The Joy Slut Club.

Marcy:
Um, I'm going to take them home... to erase them.

Clerk:
Shall I charge it to your house account?

Peggy:
Dieselhead. A man and a monster truck exchange brains?

Al:
Like Emilio Estevez would make a bad movie?

Peggy:
Oh, how about this: Four Weddings and a Funeral.

Al:
That's kinda like five of the same thing, isn't it? Hey. How about...

[shows the case to Peggy]

Al:
Wrestlemania Bloopers.

Peggy:
You could have taped our honeymoon for that.

Bud:
Dad. I got a problem.

[sits on the couch with Al]

Bud:
I, er, I did something really stupid.

Al:
Oh, Son. You didn't... marry, did you?

Al:
Oh oh oh, no. That's why we have cable, Peg. You can see the best and never leave your house...

[switches on the TV]

Al:
watch.

TV Announcer:
Tonight: Tom Selleck in Mr. Baseball. Then John Goodman is King Ralph. But first, Wings.

Al:
I'll drive.

[Al is going outside shirtless]

Peggy:
Where are you going?

Al:
Where do you think I'm going?

Peggy:
To the "Mr. Pudding Belly" tryouts?

Peggy:
What happened today, Al? Why are you late coming home?

Al:
Well, this beautiful, very beautiful, girl came into the shoe store today and asked me to fly away to the Greek Islands with her.

Kelly Bundy:
Well, did you go, Daddy?

Al:
[sarcastic] Yes, Pumpkin. I'm sorry I didn't get to say goodbye.

Kelly Bundy:
That's okay.

Al:
Anyway, all this girl wanted was a love toy.

Bud Bundy:
Yeah, I know the feeling.

Kelly Bundy:
Oh, please! The only feeling you know is Buck's fur against your cheek on a warm summer night.

Al:
It was every man's fantasy. To be kept by a woman who's skirt is as short as the lifespan of the man she chooses. But I said "no."

Bud Bundy:
Why?

[Peggy angrly slaps Bud upside his head]

Al:
Well, because I just realized that everything I've been doing up to now, the bathing, the brushing, changing of the socks, being nice to people, trying to succeed... it's all for nothing. All those things are designed to attract. Why should I be attractive? I'm married... with children.

Al:
After I moved Brenda's couch, she said I was cute. Oh Peg, I think she likes me!

Peggy:
Oh honey, how could she? Believe me Al, and I'm telling you this as your wife and as your friend, no one likes you.

Al:
What did they say about me?

Kelly Bundy:
Well, they said you had the arms of a blacksmith and the legs of a god.

Al:
Did they say anything about my butt? [Kelly turns away in revulsion] I was bending over an awful lot out there. Did anyone notice? Did they? Did they?

Kelly Bundy:
They liked it, Daddy.

Al:
YES!

Mandi:
Excuse me Mr. Bundy. I was trying to wash my car, but I'm just a weak little woman. Would it be asking too much for you to come over, you know, without your shirt, and uh buff my bumpers?

Marcy Rhoades:
Well, according to the book I've just read, "Keep him down, keep him down, keep him down, a Woman's Guide to Happiness", you don't really have to worry until a man stops buying white underwear. You know, the bright colored ones that European men use a bathing suits.

Peggy:
Well I don't have to worry about that. Al would never give up his white Hanes underware, size 34, 3 to a pack. I know that because I bought him a 3-pack a couple of years ago and he still has 2 he hasn't even used yet.

Al:
[Al opens the door for Brenda] After you, my rear... I mean my dear.

Peggy:
[Peg grabs Al by the ear] You are too tired to fix the doorbell, and yet you can go move her couch?

Al:
[shrugs] Yeah

Bud Bundy:
[Bud and Kelly are fixing the doorbell] Now you're sure the power's off?

Kelly Bundy:
For the thousandth time, yes the power is off.

Bud Bundy:
[Bud steps outside with a screwdriver, moments later sparks fly, the lights flicker and Bud screams] Help Me! [Bud walks back in, still smoldering] Kelly, spell "off"... SPELL IT!

Kelly Bundy:
O something.

Mr. Blithers:
Ah, Mr. Boondy.

Al:
Actually, it's Bundy.

Mr. Blithers:
Sorry. Anyway, Mr. Boondy...

Al:
Well we had a good time. Well you had a good time while mine blew chunks. I'd like to remind you, son, while you're figuring out my score, that if I don't get my driver's license, that means I can't drive. If I can't drive, I can't go to work. If I can't go to work, that means I'll have to stay home. And I'll be home all the time, day and night! When you bring your dates over, I WILL be in my underwear. You know the underwear, don't you, son?

Bud:
Not the ones that read, "If you lived here you'd be home now"!

Al:
And I'll be clipping my toenails, and eating Cheese Whiz from the can. Now let me ask you, Son, HOW DID I DO?

Bud:
[hands Al a card] You passed.

DMV Worker:
What language do you speak?

Al:
I speak the same language as everyone else in this country.

DMV Worker:
Ah, Spanish.

Bud:
Dad, I need $700.

Al:
No problem, we'll sell the house. Of course we'll have to come up with the other $500.

[Kelly is wearing a skimpy outfit]

Bud:
I see you're wearing your "Love me for my mind" outfit.

Bud:
Boondy. Al Boondy.

[Bud is Al's driving examiner]

Bud:
Look, Mr. Boondy, I am merely being a professional civil server and I've taken an oath. HOOTERS. HOOTERS. PULL OVER.

[a German Blonde gets in the car]

Bud:
Oh by the way, Dad, I'm deducting five points. You should never pick up hitchhikers.

Al:
Bud, if you need money, you should do what a wise man once said, "Yip-ip-ip-ip-ip, mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mu- Get a job."

[Phone rings]

Al:
Hello, Peg.

Peggy:
How did you know it was me?

Al:
Because I actually heard God laugh.

Marcy:
You dispensed job information? You who thinks a W2 is a bingo number?

Jefferson:
I know it's not a bingo number. It's that stuff you spray on squeaky hinges, isn't it?

Al:
Expired driver's license. Why can't a marriage license do that?

Al:
All right, you son of a woman from Wanker! You wanna drive? Let's Drive!

Jack Franklin:
You guys couldn't score with your own wives!

Al Bundy:
And we're proud of that!

Cigarette Girl:
What is it with you football guys? You pound on each other, you abuse your own bodies, why do you do it?

Lawrence Taylor:
It's a man's thing.

Kenny Stabler:
A commitment to excellence.

Bubba Smith:
And it gets out out of the house, and away from your wife.

John S. Reynolds:
Bust most important, we do it for pride.

[John 'Hacksaw' Reynolds sits down at a table with Thad, unaware of his true gender]

Mrs. Taylor:
Well, what have you got to say for yourself?

Lawrence Taylor:
Baby, have I ever told you how pretty your eyes look?

Mrs. Taylor:
Oh, really? And what color are my eyes?

[Lawrence Taylor shamefully looks away, not remembering]

Mrs. Bubba Smith:
Bubba! So, just going out for some milk, huh?

Bubba Smith:
Well, the Snake, L.T. and Hacksaw were gonna play. If I didn't play, they'd call me a sissy and give me the business.

Al Bundy:
Hey Number 56, you don't look like Morty Fishbine.

Lawrence Taylor:
Well, I am you schmuck!

Al Bundy:
Who would think little Morty Fishbine would grow up to look like Lawrence Taylor?

Speedy:
And if that's something, Eddie Yim grew up to look like Bubba Smith.

Bubba Smith:
Shut up! Don't call me that!

Al Bundy:
Same old Eddie, except now he appears to be a giant black man now.

Jefferson D'Arcy:
Al, I'd swear that's Rod Martin, Hacksaw Reynolds, and Kenny Stabler over there!

Al Bundy:
Jefferson, there is nobody over there but pink punks. And what do Polk High Panthers do to pink punks?

Al's Teammates:
Pulverise the powder puffs!

Al Bundy:
Let's rock.

Rodent:
Al, don't some of the First Ladies seem a little big to you?

Al Bundy:
Well, age will do that. Look at Barbara Bush.

[looking at pink football uniforms they opposing team is wearing]

Al Bundy:
Nice colors, Franklin. You all look like a box of Good n' Plenty!

Jack Franklin:
I think you are all a bunch of pansies!

Al Bundy:
Pansies?

Jack Franklin:
Pansies!

Al Bundy:
Say, didn't they recently change Patton High's name to Jacqueline Onassis High?

Jack Franklin:
[beat] Yeah.

Al Bundy:
And isn't their football team now known as the Jackie O First Ladies?

[after Al lifts up Thad's skirt and sees what "happened" to him]

Thad:
I had to do it, Al. All those years in school I felt like a woman trapped inside a man's body. I just got so tired of it.

Al Bundy:
We get tired of our old cars too, but we don't do things like rip the doors off.

Marcy:
Does anyone have any gestures they'd like to have known? Anything at all?

[Al gives Marcy the finger]

Marcy:
I don't think that particular gesture is necessary. Al.

Al:
We don't need the lottery. We have each other.

Peggy:
I want the lottery.

[Al is building a new bathroom]

Steve Rhoades:
Al, I don't see any spot marked off for a sink.

Al:
Hey, this is a man's bathroom. You know, when you share a bathroom with a woman, or in my case Peggy, you got nylons hanging on the curtain rod, you got Nair where the toothpaste should be, a bottle of vinegar lying around. I mean, what do they do in there, make a salad? In my bathroom there's only gonna be men's things: Rolaids, Milk of Magnesia, Tums, a spot for my razor.

Steve Rhoades:
Why have a razor if you don't have a sink?

Al:
Oh, it's not for shaving, Steve. It's for peace of mind.

Al:
Why did we buy a house with only one bathroom?

Peggy:
Because all the other houses in our price range were on fire. Except for that lovely house with no kitchen that I wanted.

Al:
Well, we all have our disappointments. I have to sleep with mine.

Peggy:
Is that its new name?

Al:
We all have to live with our disappointments, Peg. Of course, I have to sleep with mine.

Al:
Gee I wish I could figure out what happened to my tools and my copper wiring and my tile and my life and my manhood.

Bud:
Where's Dad?

Peggy:
In the bathroom breaking in his new toilet.

[Al walks in the living room and sits on the couch]

Peggy:
How was it, honey?

Al:
I don't know, Peg. I'm constipated. This is the worst day of my life. I wonder if this ever happened to Dad?

Peggy:
Aww, honey. Do you want me to undercook you some chicken?

Al:
No thanks, Peg. It'll take more than raw poultry to fix what's wrong with me.

[turns on TV]

TV Announcer:
And now back to the rest of ABC's lineup: "Roseanne" and the Emmy winning "Thirtysomething".

[Al nods his head, picks up the newspaper and walks back into the bathroom]

Peggy:
Marry your own wallet.

Al Bundy:
Where are you from? What are your plans? When did you stop wearing a bra?

Tiffany:
Well I'm from San Francisco and I'm on my way to New York to go to art school and I don't like bras. They're too constricting, don't you think?

Peggy Bundy:
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha get out.

Al Bundy:
Now Peg, she's got no place to go. Bud, get some sheets and a blanket for the couch so your mother will be comfortable. [Peg elbows Al in the ribs]

Marcy Rhoades:
Come on Peggy, you've gotta help me. We must get rid of Tiffany.

Peggy Bundy:
Oh no no no Marce. We must put an end to world hunger, we must buckle up for safety, but when it comes to Peg Bundy getting it regularly, we must go with the flow.

Al Bundy:
Hey Peg, what happened to the birds?

Peggy Bundy:
[Peg hides Tiffany's goodbye letter] Uh, I don't know, Al. You wanna go upstairs?

Al Bundy:
Na, no not yet. It doesn't smell like it used to in here. It's not like a sea breeze anymore. Oh well, where's Tiffany?

Peggy Bundy:
Out, for the evening. She went to the movies. You wanna go upstairs?

Al Bundy:
Uh, no, no... uh something's missing, is it darker, colder, is the paint faded?

Peggy Bundy:
Alright Al, she's gone, forever.

Al Bundy:
Tiffany dear, come meet our neighbor, uh he lost a tree, but gained a view. Tiffany... Steve, Steve... uh, view.

Tiffany:
Nice to meet you.

Steve Rhoades:
Gobladoo me.

Al Bundy:
Anyhow, let me give you a price list. Now on Thursdays, she does aerobics, thats $10. On Friday, she sunbathes and she does some jogging, that's our combo plat, that's 15 bucks. But, being you live right next door, you might want to go for the weekly rate. That's $40, but with that you get popcorn and a free lottery ticket.

Steve Rhoades:
I can't believe you Al, this is truly low.

Al Bundy:
So are you in?

Steve Rhoades:
Maybe.

Al:
Did you hear something on the news?

Peggy:
Yes, as a matter of fact. They said that the sun was going to supernova and we should have sex before the end comes.

Peggy:
I got no time, Peg. I gotta go looting!

Al:
Hey Peg! I got you something that's gonna make your life much easier.

Peggy:
You got a night job?

Al:
No, I already got one of those. It's called getting in bed with you.

Peggy:
Well then, you've been missing work.

Al:
[ordering dinner for everyone, in a high-class restaurant] Give us four steaks. Nuke 'em.

Al:
[stalling, while Kelly goes to get his wallet] How's about some more water? Y'know, it's nature's fruit juice!

Paul:
[glaring at Al] He overflowed the toilet!

Al:
[hands Kelly his car keys, to fetch his forgotten wallet] Oh, and Kelly...?

Kelly Bundy:
[rolls eyes] I know, I'll be careful.

Al:
Nah, I don't care about that. Just don't change my radio station.

Al:
[pulling an inheritance check out of its envelope, slowly] I see a seven... I see a three... I see a two...

Bud Bundy:
[excitedly] What do you see now, Dad?!

Al:
[rolling eyes] I see a check for two hundred and thirty-seven dollars.

Bud Bundy:
[disappointed] I buffed this man's *carbuncles* for two hundred and thirty-seven *dollars*?!

Shannon:
Tom, a girl like me has big dreams. I shouldn't be dating you. I should be dating your boss.

Maria:
You did date his boss.

Tom:
You did? Shannon, you dated my boss?

Shannon:
Of course. How do you think you got your raise and your promotion?

Tom:
I thought it was because I dated his wife.

Tom:
Shannon, you can't leave. You can't break up with me. We haven't even had sex today.

Shannon:
Speak for yourself!

Maria:
You know what? You're no better then your skirt-chasing father.

Tom:
Hey, it was your mother who walked into a married man's house in that little maid's outfit and stole my father away from my own mother.

Maria:
She was the maid, you idiot.

Tom:
Still, I'm not like my father. I know the first name of almost every woman I've slept with. And with any luck, I'm about to learn a new one.

Al Bundy:
Pumpkin, what did we say about talking to Daddy? I'm watching my new favorite program.

Kelly Bundy:
'Friends?' I thought you hated that show.

Al Bundy:
I do. But if you mute the sound and watch with binoculars, you can tell that Jennifer Aniston isn't wearing a bra.

TV announcer:
And now, 'Friends,' followed by the making of 'Friends.' And then, on the ten o'clock news, the cast of 'Cheers' discusses their favorite episodes of 'Friends.'

[Al is channel surfing]

Al:
Ah, "Friends". Don't have 'em, don't need 'em, sure as hell don't wanna watch 'em.

[changes the channel]

Marcy D'Arcy:
Yo there, bro... [George turns around looking stunned] we're new to the 'hood. [George continues to look surprised at Jefferson and Marcy] What can you recommend?

George:
The hamburgers.

Jefferson D'Arcy:
Oh, well, uh, we were hoping for something a little bit more, uh... [snaps his fingers a few times] down home!

Marcy D'Arcy:
You know, like collard greens, ox-tails, moon pies.

George:
I'm glad you've seen "Martin." But here, we serve... hamburgers! [drops the burgers in front of the D'Arcys]

Marcy D'Arcy:
Listen, homes... [George gets the befuddled look on his face again] if you insist on dissing your customers in that manner, then we are just going to have to ease on down that road.

Jefferson D'Arcy:
Wooooooord!

George:
Well, then, I guess you want your order to go. [dumps the food and drinks in a paper bag and Jefferson takes it]

Marcy D'Arcy:
Your mama!

[Lower Uncton, England, the year of 1653:
Al's great-great-grandfather, Seamus McBundy, is working in his blacksmith's shop, making a horseshoe. Old fat witch enters]

Poxilda:
Seamus McBundy, are ye done with me horse?

Seamus McBundy:
Ah, no, ma'am. I had to send out for extra parts, to reinforce its feet. Yeah, that and a sign to go around his neck saying, "I'm with Fatso".

[the witch gapes, angry and offended]

Poxilda:
You save your tongue for picking the flies off the pools that dance beneath your arms! Go to, I'm in an 'urry.

Seamus McBundy:
Oh? Is it the Festival of Pork Pies and Pigs' Waller you're late for? While you're waiting, I got a plump pony out back you can snack on.

Poxilda:
You be warned! I am a great and powerful witch!

Seamus McBundy:
Ah, not as powerful as yon mighty seams in yon dress, to keep yon belly off yon floor!

Poxilda:
That's it!

[the witch turns her back to Seamus while talking. Behind her back, Seamus makes funny faces]

Poxilda:
I curse thee, Seamus McBundy, and all thy male descendants. Henceforth, ye shall only shoe the large and ungrateful.

Seamus McBundy:
[sarcastically] Ooh, yikes! Saveth me!

Poxilda:
And so that ye and all thy male descendants will be hated in this place forever, Lower Uncton shall always be in darkness, though other towns nearby stand in sun.

Seamus McBundy:
[unimpressed] Eh? Will ye be floating above us, blocking the sun?

Poxilda:
Just for that, throughout eternity your feet will sweat. Aye, and verily smell!

[the witch leaves, cackling nastily. Seamus is not worried]

Seamus McBundy:
Eh... how could yon "Blubber Belly" curse me?

[Seamus makes a gesture of throwing an object]

Seamus McBundy:
I hurled the unspooning stone in the big game. Had I not married, I wouldst have turned pro.

[suddenly, it becomes dark all over the place although it is still midday. The witch's voice is heard:
]

Poxilda:
And so it begins! Ha-ha-ha!

Seamus McBundy:
Hmmm... early to be this dark.

[Seamus returns to work. The scene changes to Chicago, the year of 1992:
Al sits in the shoe store, his head buried in his hands]

Al Bundy:
[muses whiningly] This can't be my life. What am I, cursed?

Winston:
Well, I don't have to tell you, it's been a bloody good year for killing Bundys. We've tracked them down wherever Bundys have spread throughout the last few centuries. And in fact they were easy to find because, no matter what the country, all we had to do was go to the local shoe store, and - pop! - there they were.

[after finishing a misogynist speech in Hyde Park's Speakers' Corner]

Al Bundy:
Oh, by the way, am I alone here in hating the French?

Entire Crowd:
NO!

Al Bundy:
I thought not.

Al:
Who Cares? It's Free.

Winston:
I'm Winston, I'm your driver, and this is my assistant driver, Igor.

Igor:
Igor!

[aside]

Igor:
You know perfectly well I had my name changed legally. Is it too much trouble to address me as Merrill?

Winston:
I'll call you Merrill when we're alone, all right?

Igor:
And when was the last time we were alone, hmm?

Winston:
Not in front of the Yanks!

Jefferson:
Now relax, babe, it's your good fortune to be married to a criminal, and an inveterate liar. I'll come up with a scheme and it's going to have to be pretty special because the British are a bit more sophisticated than the Americans... I've got it. It's brilliant!

[Jefferson has Marcy stand perfectly still and hold a sign that says, "Have Picture Taken With Cardboard American"]

Winston:
There's Parliament.

Bundys:
[bored] Great.

Winston:
Tower Bridge.

Bundys:
[bored] Great.

Winston:
Oh, look, Buckingham Palace.

Bundys:
[bored] Great.

Winston:
And that's Trafalgar Square.

Bundys:
[bored] Great.

Bud:
[in England] Hey look, a McDonald's.

Al:
Peg, quick, get the camera.

Bud:
Dad, it's an airport.

Al:
Yep, only this time we're not dressed like Hare Krishnas.

Winston:
Are there any more male Bundys?

Bud:
Women wish there were.

[hiding in a back alley in London]

Marcy D'Arcy:
Any more bright ideas, Mr. A-little-counterfeiting-never-hurt-anyone?

Jefferson:
As God as my witness, I thought Michael Caine's picture was on the ?5 note.

Marcy D'Arcy:
It's the Queen!

Jefferson:
Just our luck, we run into the one guy who can tell the difference.

[in Hyde Park's Speakers' Corner]

Al Bundy:
I'd like to talk to you today about women. I don't like 'em. I mean, you folks are English but even you can't like women. I mean, you're sitting home, watching sports and that's the exact time that they pick to plant their ever widening, what you call bums next to you, and ask "Remember that restaurant we went to 18 years ago. Did you think that waitress was pretty?' then you tell them to shut up, and they get mad. Now, I'm not proposing a solution, 'cause I gotta go soon, I see my wife looking, but I'd just like to say "I don't like 'em." Now could I get a 'Whoa, women. I DON'T LIKE 'EM?'

Captain:
This is your captain speaking. Will the gentleman in 24B please put his shoes back on? I'm choking to death.

Peggy:
AL!

Al:
Oh, please. They show us the movie Dutch and they think I stink?

[Staying the night in a castle]

Peggy Bundy:
You know, Al, since we're in a castle... crown me, baby!

Al Bundy:
Ah, what the hell, it's the first thing I had to pay for this whole trip. All right, Peg, go ahead and say it: what am I, baby?

Peggy Bundy:
You're the king, baby.

Al Bundy:
Make me believe it.

Peggy Bundy:
Well, who's gonna make *me* believe it?

[Al looks offended]

Peggy Bundy:
Oh, all right. *You're* the *king*, baby!

Al Bundy:
Good enough.

Villager:
Bad news: we can't hang 'em until tomorrow.

Winston:
Why not?

Villager:
The scaffolding's not here. We had to sell some of the wood to buy nooses.

Winston:
[sarcastically] Oh, yes? And what do you plan to hang the nooses from?

Villager:
Well, we've thought of that. We're gonna have two of our taller fellows hold them.

Winston:
[stares for a second, then sighs in exasperation] I don't want to hear any more. Right, we're just going to have to stab them!

Villager:
But the village children were so looking forward to a hanging.

Winston:
Oh, yes. Oh, yes... Oh, the children.

[staying in a castle]

Al Bundy:
Can you feel the history in the room, Peg?

Peggy Bundy:
I know. You know, Igor told me that Bud's room is supposed to be haunted. I didn't tell him, though. You know how jumpy he gets.

Al Bundy:
Well, good. Because what he doesn't know won't hurt him.

[Cut to Bud's room, where ghostly mists swirl around Bud's bed, and ghastly screams echo. Bud, cowering under the covers, peeks up to see the ghosts of his ancestors]

Hanged Bundy Ancestor:
Good evening, Bud. We are the ghosts of your ancestors.

Impaled Bundy Ancestor:
Beware!

Headless Bundy Ancestor:
You will die in the morning!

Disemboweled Bundy Ancestor:
Run!

[Bud looks over to the fire, where two more ghosts pop out]

Disemboweled Bundy Ancestor:
Run while you still can!

5th Bundy Ancestor:
Wanna buy some shoes?

Kelly Bundy:
I never should've had parents.

Mayor Fivshaw:
When I say "begin", begin. Begin.

[the Bundys have fled Al and Bud's execution in a horse-drawn cart, but in the next scene are shown walking]

Kelly Bundy:
Well, I just saved your worthless hides, and I think I deserve a hearty, "good job, Kelly, thank you."

Al Bundy:
Well, you might have gotten a nice thank you if you hadn't said we'd move faster if we lightened the load, then un-hitched the horse!

[Al and Bud have halted on the borderline between Upper Unction and Lower Unction, resulting in a stalemate between the two towns]

Winston:
Hey... come over to our side, yeah? Yeah. Your death will be quicker.

Trevor:
No! Come to our side! At least we won't eat you afterwards.

Winston:
That is an ugly rumor, started by people who are jealous!

[shifting]

Winston:
Besides, it's dark over here. We couldn't tell. It's hard to know what we're eating sometimes.

[Al and Bud have halted on the borderline between Upper Uncton and Lower Unction, resulting in a stalemate between the two towns]

Bud Bundy:
Why aren't they killing us, Dad?

Al Bundy:
I don't know, son. We must be on the borderline.

Trevor:
Right, then! I'll settle this.

[He snaps his fingers, and the Upper Uncton townspeople seize Peg and Kelly]

Trevor:
[points his gun at Peg's head] Now, then: come over here, or your wife and daughter are through!

[Al and Bud trade an incredulous look, then laugh uproariously, taunting and beckoning Trevor to kill Peg and Kelly anyway]

Winston:
You fool! That didn't work with the other Bundys either.

[Al has suggested the villagers only pretend to kill him and Bud]

Igor:
Well, I demand vengeance! Seamus McBundy insulted my great-great-great-grandmother. And I want revenge.

Al Bundy:
How 'bout I buy you an Orange Julius in London, buddy.

Trevor:
What about a medieval joust? Just think of the promotional possibilities! Buttons, fanny packs, videotapes for the spectators!

Winston:
Igor, before you kill him, try and do something funny with him. Then we can sell a separate "Wacky Blooper" reel!

Peggy Bundy:
Oh, Al, do it! I love those!

Trevor:
Look, I'm sure something mutually beneficial could be worked out.

Winston:
Oh, right! We have them killed on your side, and you promise to share. But you won't, will you! You can't trust a light-dweller.

Trevor:
Mold people!

Igor:
Sun people!

Trevor:
Custard stands! Banners! "My Dad Saw Al Bundy Killed And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" t-shirts!

Winston:
Pennants, get your "Igor" pennants! Get your "I Saw Al Bundy Die" t-shirts!

Al Bundy:
Let's joust.

Mayor Fivshaw:
Ladies and gentlemen, let's get ready to rumble! On my left, five-time undefeated jousting champion, going by the name of Igor, the true death's sire!

[cheering]

Mayor Fivshaw:
And on my right: from the Windy City of Chicago, U.S.A., Al "Stinkfoot" Bundy!

[booing]

Igor:
[preparing to kill Al] Next time you play a man's game, wear a man's uniform.

Al Bundy:
And the next time you insult an American, make sure he didn't play high school football. [kicks Igor in the crotch]

Peggy Bundy:
Al, I'm scared.

Al Bundy:
Don't worry, babe. This Igor don't look too tough to me!

Peggy Bundy:
Oh, it's not him I'm worried about. They're going to be filming, and I left my bright sun makeup in the castle.

[Al takes that in, then addresses the Lower Uncton townspeople]

Al Bundy:
And you guys thought you were cursed.

Peggy Bundy:
Al, before your death... I mean, certain victory, there's something I must ask you.

Al Bundy:
What is it, babe?

Peggy Bundy:
Do you have our return tickets? I mean, just in case you lose them during your victory dance?

Al Bundy:
Don't worry about me, babe. I played high school football. If I can take down an entire football team, I can take down a knight on his horse. Besides, if there's the chance I should die, it will comfort me greatly to know that you'll be stuck in this country for life!

Trevor:
Let the tournament commence!

Al Bundy:
[to the Bundys] Well, this is it. Wish me luck, kids.

Bud Bundy:
[scoffs] What good would it do?

Al Bundy:
[to Kelly] Pumpkin, what do you have to say?

Kelly Bundy:
[sobbing] Daddy's dying!

Al Bundy:
[sarcastic] Well, that's comforting.

[last lines] [Al is chained to a wall in a dungeon next to a grey, bearded prisoner]

Al Bundy:
What are you in for?

Prisoner:
Stole an ashtray from the Ritz. You?

Al Bundy:
A towel from the Savoy. Say, what do they feed you in here?

Prisoner:
Bread and water.

Al Bundy:
Then, this is truly the best vacation I've ever had!

Customs Officer:
Do you have anything to declare?

Peggy Bundy:
Yes. My husband is an idiot!

Al Bundy:
[Giving a speech to the Lower Uncton townspeople] My people. Today I feel like the luckiest man on the face of the earth. As you know I played highschool football. I was great. And you kids out there would like to be just as great as I was. But beware: there is a killer out there, a temptation. It will up your money and your will to live. I know you've heard about it before, but you can't hear about it enough. Kids, please just say no to marriage!

[Kelly, disgused as a peasant woman, comandeers a horse-drawn cart to rescue the rest of the Bundys]

Kelly Bundy:
[addressing the townspeople] Persuit woodsmen! Spare those men! Fear not, Daddy. There's no business like show business. Hi ho silverwear! Away!

[Al and Bud are still on the borderline between Upper Unction and Lower Unction as the stalemate continues]

Bud Bundy:
Dad, I think it was brave of you say to them: "take me and let the boy go free."

Al Bundy:
I didn't say that, son.

Bud Bundy:
Don't you think it would be a good time to DO IT?

Al Bundy:
Why would I say that? What better and unhappy way to die then with my only ungrateful son?

Bud Bundy:
[sourly] I love you, Dad.

Al Bundy:
[scoffs] Yeah, right!

Bud Bundy:
Wait guys, before you shoot, I just want to say one thing. The blonde over there is a boy.

Winston:
Come On! It's not THAT dark over here, lad.

crowd:
KILL, KILL, KILL

Al Bundy:
Listen to them Peg, they're chanting "AL, AL, AL".

Bud:
Bundy's a name you earn. Our emotional scars run so deep you can almost see them.

Al:
Yep, it's a point of pride. Ever since the day the first Bundy stepped off the Mayflower... halfway over. They never found him, but they recorded his final words: "Methinks we're here!"

Yvette:
Where will I be sleeping?

Bud Bundy:
Uh, my room is this way. The left side of the bed is for you.

Kelly Bundy:
That's because he wets to the right.

Yvette:
Kelly, we've been at school for hours. Will we be going in a classroom today?

Steve Rhoades:
Well when I was dating you, I had a few milk bones slipped into my pocket.

Marcy Rhoades:
I was pretty! My mother told me so.

Steve Rhoades:
Compared to your mother, you were.

Kelly Bundy:
[Bud is drilling a peephole] Bud, what are you doing?

Bud Bundy:
I'm building a home entertainment center.

Yvette:
[Yvette catches Bud drilling a peephole] Bud, what are you doing?

Bud Bundy:
Uh, I'm uh, I'm giving you some ventilation, so the heat can get through.

Yvette:
It's alright Bud, I don't mind if you peep.

Al Bundy:
I can't believe it. Yvette flunked every subject. She even flunked French.

Sascha:
Hi Bud, it's me. Sascha. The girl you've wanted every day and night of your life since the first grade. Well I'm about to enter a convent and I wanted to be with a real man for my first, last and only time. Take me Bud, take me now!

Bud Bundy:
You caught me at a bad time. Goodbye.

Sascha:
Oh.

Kelly Bundy:
Hi, Mom. Bud still have b*obs?

[Peggy nods]

Kelly Bundy:
Oh, well. Then I guess I'll be sleeping over at Cindy's again tonight.

Kelly Bundy:
Where's Daddy?

Peggy Bundy:
Oh, he's been down at city hall at the city council meeting all afternoon. He's really steamed about them paving over his old football field.

Kelly Bundy:
I hope he doesn't make a testicle out of himself.

Peggy Bundy:
You mean spectacle, honey.

Kelly Bundy:
No. I really mean testicle.

Peggy Bundy:
Well, let's see what's on the news.

[Peggy switches on the remote control for the TV set]

TV Announcer:
And on the lighter more pitiful side of the news, self-proclaimed football legend Al Bundy is leading a protest against the Trans-Mexican auto plant by handcuffing himself to a goal post on his old high school playing field. He has vowed to stay chained at this post until the project is moved to another location, or quote: prove to me that Marcy 'the Chicken' D'Arcy has lips.

Peggy Bundy:
What a testicle!

Marcy D'Arcy:
Al, those insect bites you have look awful.

Al Bundy:
Insect bites? Oh, thank God! I thought they were hickies from that bum over there.

[NO MA'AM is planning to attend a pro wrestling event]

Jefferson:
Main event featuring 'King Kong' Bundy. Hey, Al, is he a relative of yours?

Al:
No, but we're letting him use Peg's nickname.

Peggy:
Now that is a real man, not some high school football hero who got married and turned to mush.

Al:
Well, I guess it's true what they say: you are what you marry.

Al:
Well Marcie, I'm afraid you and the Joy Cluck Club are going to have to miss Slipping Denture Theater tonight, because me and the guys are watching wrestling!

Bud Bundy:
That was nasty Natalie. She's the easiest girl in town.

Al:
Bud, if my father had scared away the easiest girl in my town, I never would have gotten married, never would have had you kids, and I'd be upstairs now watching TV in my underwear, the way God intended.

Al:
Wait a minute now guys, that's my son we're talking about here. The only one who get's to make fun of him is me... and most women.

Al:
Well we must have gone back in time, because I'm experiencing deja moo.

Peggy:
We're watching the re-broadcast of "Old Man, Older Woman". So much of CBS's audience fell asleep, they're showing it again.

Steve Rhodes:
I have another phone message for Peggy.

Peggy Bundy:
Who is it, Steve?

Steve Rhodes:
It's from your mother. She's worried about you and having not to talk to you every day. So, she's coming to stay until you get your phone put back in.

Al Bundy:
[Al's eyes widen with fear] How much time do we have?

Steve Rhodes:
She was packing her bags.

Al Bundy:
Great! Great! We can still stop her. She's so big and fat that she can never get through her front door on the first try. Peg, quick, call her. Use Steve's phone!

Steve Rhodes:
Oh, sure. Use Steve's phone, wake Steve up, let Steve take the message. Well, the Steve stops here and my phone is off-limits. Give Mom and hug for me.

Al Bundy:
Oh, God. What have I done?

Peggy Bundy:
Get out the Sitz bath, kids. Grandma's coming.

Al Bundy:
Look, Peg, go out to a payphone, call your mother before she gets to the bottom of her driveway because once she's in motion, you can't stop here! Was that a tremor? Oh God, she must be changing bras!

[Bud is pretending to be homosexual to get Gerri, an attractive redhead wearing a tight red dress, to flirt with him]

Gerri:
I'm telling you, all it takes is a good woman to set you straight.

Bud Bundy:
Well, I've tried. But I just can't find a woman to excite me. But you do... a little.

Gerri:
Well, what can we do to make it a lot?

Bud Bundy:
I don't know. I'll think about it.

[Bud rests his head against Gerri's chest, bearly stiffing a smile]

[Kelly is playing the board game Scrabble with Seven]

Kelly Bundy:
There! A double word score.

Seven:
NBC? NBC is not a word.

Kelly Bundy:
It's a word. It's just not a network.

Marcy:
Here's something you might all enjoy: a fine foreign film about a young Peruvian girl who lives in the rainforest and dreams of having a bicycle.

Al:
Any hooters?

Marcy:
It is a Fran?ois LuMach film. He explores the mind.

Al:
Well, I prefer the Joseph Zipper production of "They Exploded Out of Their Bras".

Jefferson:
Marcy, you might like that one. It's a film about women.

Peggy:
I want to see a movie with Mel Gibson's butt.

Marcy:
I want sensitivity.

Jefferson:
I want killings.

Al:
I want boobies.

[They all start arguing]

Al:
Boobies. Boobies. Boobies. Boobies.

[Kelly comes downstairs; all but Al stop]

Al:
Boobies. Boobies. Boobies. Um... Hi, Pumpkin.

Kelly:
You know, I haven't heard anybody chant that word since me and my girlfriends were standing around when this old guy in this Dodge drove by... Ew, Daddy!

Bud:
Well, when I get my degree, from an accredited community college, I might add, I'll be the one with the Lucky Charms, my friends. And I'll be eating them out of the bra cups of my own private breakfast treat, Monique. Here's to the future.

Al:
[on the phone with insurance company after his car is stolen] $50? For a Dodge? What about my mental suffering? Oh, you say that's a major part of the $50?

Salesman:
A 1994 Dodge Viper.

Al:
Oh Peg, I'm so happy I... I could shake your hand.

Peggy:
Al, it only has two seats. What about the kids?

Al:
It's got a trunk.

Al:
I'll drive out Al Bundy: Old Dodge Owner, but I'll drive back in Al Bundy: Viper Man.

Marcy:
But on the down side, you'll still be Al Bundy.

Jefferson:
Well, for my money, you can't beat a European sports car. Marcy and I are nuts about ours. Rack and pinion steering, four wheel independent suspension, and 310 of the sexiest Euro ponies that ever hurtled a Yankee from 0 to 60 in under 5 seconds. Oh man, what a car.

Al:
Where is it?

Jefferson:
It's in the shop.

Al:
Still? Jefferson, you've had the car five months, it hasn't been off the racks yet. What's wrong with it?

Jefferson:
They don't know. It's something very sophisticated. Very expensive and very, very Euro. But I'm telling you I am on top of the world with that car. You can ask anybody on the bus how happy I am.

Al:
Peg, you can nag, you can cry, you can whinny, bleat and moo, but I am never selling the Dodge.

[the next day]

Jefferson:
Finally selling the Dodge, huh Al?

Al:
Yeah, it's like giving up one of your children but none of the joy.

Jefferson:
So how's your ad coming?

Al:
Done. Here.

[Al hands Jefferson the notepad]

Jefferson:
[reading ad] "Used car of indeterminate year. Forced to sell by used wife, also of indeterminate year." $4,000?

Al:
What? You don't think I can get $4,000?

Jefferson:
I don't think you can get dollars.

Peggy:
[Answering phone] Hello, Al? Is that you?

Al:
[Driving the Dodge in the desert] Hello, Peg. I'm here in Burnt Scrodum, New Mexico. And guess what: I'm over a thousand miles, babe. I'm gonna drive till I hit another million.

Peggy:
Then you'll be home, Al?

Al:
Then I'll be home, and the Viper will be mine. Do you hear me? Mine, I tell you. Mine. Mine.

Bill Ellis:
Mr. Bundy, I'm Bill Ellis from the Dodge corporation. We just need to verify a couple of things about your ad.

Al:
Listen, I know what you're going to say, but it wasn't my fault. I clearly told them seat, comma, then belts.

Bill Ellis:
Oh, that's not important.

Al:
I didn't think so either. Come on in.

Bill Ellis:
[to Peg] Hello Ma'am.

[to Al]

Bill Ellis:
Is it true she's gone over 999,000 miles?

[Al looks at Peg]

Peggy:
He means the car, you wildebeest.

Officer Dan:
Somebody call the police? We got a call about a shooting.

Al:
I did, but I lied. See, I need someone to guard the Dodge, and a cop is cheaper than a Doberman.

Officer Dan:
[to criminal, unlocking his cuffs] Excuse me, I may need both hands to pound this guy to hash. But if you ever take a shot at my partner again, you're going in.

Al:
Uh, kids - or should I say, "lackeys of the Red Devil"- I need your help. The Dodge is in trouble.

Kelly:
So? Who hasn't been?

Al:
Come, my children, and Kelly, to the garage. We'll guard the Dodge. We proud Bundys three will guard against those who will pillage and plunder and joyride in the Dodge.

Bud:
Do we get to drive the Viper?

Al:
No.

Bud:
Why should we help you guard the Dodge, then?

Al:
Because we're family, dammit.

Bud:
So are the Jacksons. Good night.

Kelly:
[Al in the Dodge had accidentally rolled out of the garage] How did he finally stop?

Jefferson:
Well, luckily, there was a brand new, foreign car parked outside, which had finally been fixed but never driven.

Marcy:
Well I guess it's good to get that first broadside out of the way.

Al:
Now a little music to help pass the time.

Radio:
[singing] And that's when my hound dog started looking good to me.

Al:
Ah, who was the genius who let West Virginia become a state?

[Al answers a knock on his door]

Wino Guy:
Hi, we're a couple of winos. We don't want to drink and drive.

Wino Gal:
So we want to buy Dodge. Here's your $40.

Al:
40? It was supposed to be 4,000.

Wino Guy:
Hey, we're not that drunk.

[Al slams the door shut]

[Al anwers his front door and sees two mafia-type criminals wanting to buy his Dodge]

Mobster #1:
Does your trunk leak?

[Al slams the door shut]

[Al anwers his front door and sees two Islamic fanatics wanting to buy his Dodge]

Fanatic:
We've no time to haggle. We want car, and directions to Sears Tower. Here's $40.

[Al slams the door shut]

Al:
Women, you can't live with them... the end.

Al:
Oh no, Peg, you mocked the Dodge. She shot the Dodge, but she didn't shoot the deputy.

Peggy:
What does that mean?

Al:
I don't know, Peg, I'm just babbling like this because I'm staring at her cleavage.

Japanese Businessman:
Dodge. American motorcar.

[laughs hysterically]

Al:
[slams the door and sits down] You know what the problem is, don't you?

Peggy:
Sure, the blind don't drive.

Al:
Too bad the mute don't marry.

Al:
But you don't understand, I've got a terrible feeling something's going to happen to my Dodge!

Officer Dan:
Al, we've known each other, what? Seven, eight years? I've arrested you, what? Eleven or twelve times? You're a load in my pants, you know that, Al? No one wants your crummy car. No one even believes this house is occupied! Now, either go to bed, or let me blow you away so I can go to bed!

[He reaches into his holster, and pulls out a donut]

Officer Dan:
On second thought, I gotta go. I might have left something at the donut shop.

Al:
I want my Dodge, dag-nabit.

Mikey:
Dag-nabit? What did you do, get the "Hooked on Phonics" Yosemite Sam tape?

Mikey:
[a teenager] I'm Mikey. I'm the manager.

Al:
Of what? The Mets?

Mikey:
I don't take lip from shoe salesmen. Now what do you want? I have a book report due tomorrow.

Al:
I want my car. It never came out the other end.

Mikey:
Are you sure you brought a car?

Al:
No, I drove the wife. Of course I brought a car, you zit farm.

Al:
When I think of the PAIN and the SUFFERING that I had to go through for you to be conceived. You should be ashamed for betraying your family this way.

Peggy:
Wanker County was originally called "Olbie Wooba Possum Watamee" which means, "Land of the Big Gassy Possum".

Al:
Which explains why Disney has no interest in putting a theme park there.

Al:
Now, this is ridiculous. Somewhere in this carwash is a Dodge with my name on it.

[Al walks out to look for his car and the others remain]

Peggy:
Gee, I didn't know they made a Dodge Loser.

Al:
Oh, Peg, look, Car-Bras.

Peggy:
The Dodge does not need a Car-Bra.

Al:
Oh, it's not for the Dodge, Peg. No, it's for your mom.

[Al holds the box up]

Al:
Look, it's even in her size: "Astro Van".

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy:
Steve, what are you doing back in town? I though you were out in the desert protecting the wildlife and performing your version of Guys and Dolls to the cactus.

Steve Rhoades:
That, much like our marriage, was just a phase.

Kelly Bundy:
I have an idea. Why don't we get Buck to look for the car?

Bud Bundy:
Oh, come on. Buck's 100! He's so old that he misses when he tries to lick himself.

Kelly Bundy:
So do you! But dogs never lose their scense of smell. [to Buck] Go find the Dodge, Buck boy.

[Buck continues to sit motionless]

Kelly Bundy:
Buck, I said go find the car. Buck, go. Go. Go!

Peggy:
What's he doing?

Bud Bundy:
He's going.

Kelly Bundy:
Oh... maybe I should have said leave.

Buck:
[voice-over] I still would have gone.

Al:
Oh Peg, look a racing strip!

Peggy:
The Dodge doesn't need a racing strip. I couldn't hit 60 if it dropped out of a plane.

Al:
[Al holds a tight fist up] No but you could Peg! See Peg you spend money on a fribulous - [Interupts himself] Ooh, Peg look car bras!

Peggy:
The Dodge doesn't need a car bra. [Al holds up a car bra purchase box]

Al:
Oh it's not for the Dodge Peg. No, it's for your mom. See, it's even in her size, Astrovan.

Mikey:
Do you realize that for being caught in the women's restroom, we're going to dock you a week's pay?

Jefferson D'Arcy:
[sarcastically] Well there goes that yacht I was gonna buy.

Mikey:
You're already on thin ice, Mr. Ivy League pervert in the bathroom looking up women's skirts. Now I don't want anymore shenanigans out of you. I want you buffin' the next thing that comes out of here. [Al walks out of the car wash]

Steve Rhoades:
Same old Marcy. Flat and to the point.

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy:
Jefferson doesn't need to make a lot of money. I'm happy with him just the way he is.

Jefferson D'Arcy:
[whines] Marcy, I got soap in my eyes.

Kelly Bundy:
Maybe we should have Buck look for the car.

Bud Bundy:
Come on, he's a hundred. He misses when he tries to lick himself.

Kelly Bundy:
Yeah, so do you.

Steve Rhoades:
So, where is the new, unimproved, unemployed me? At home watching Richard Bey?

Al:
[to attendant] You keep your hands off my CD player.

Peggy:
Al, we don't have a CD player.

Al:
Well we would have, Peg, if you hadn't have said that.

Bud Bundy:
[hearing Al's Dodge clunking and sputtering up the drive] Okay, there's the Dodge early-warning system.

Mikey:
We're going to buy you a new car,how does a Hyundai sound?

Al:
Like an old lawn mover.

Al:
Peg, what is it with you? You can change six D batteries in the dark, but you can't find a two-ton automobile.

Peggy:
Let's not start talking about who can't find what in the dark...

[Al has invited Steve to watch an attractive repair girl fix his refrigerator]

Steve Rhoades:
Let me get this straight, you dragged me all the way over here for THIS?

Al:
Yeah!

Steve Rhoades:
Thanks, Al! [Steve opens can of beer with Al]

[staring at the butt of the repair-girl]

Al:
Yeah, looks like two little kittens playing gently under some denim.

Steve Rhoades:
I think it looks more like an apple, Al.

Marcy:
My wedding ring, it's gone! Peggy, I sent my wedding ring down El Zorro's pants!

Marcy:
Peggy, you just stuffed money down the front of that man's pants. Why?

Peggy Bundy:
Because my checkbook makes him walk funny.

Al Bundy:
Do me one favor. When you strip away every ounce of humanity, every shred of pride she has, just when she's bending down to kiss your feet, tell her you got the ring from Al Bundy.

Al:
[to a stripper] If my wife loses anything in your pants, so do YOU!

Steve Rhoades:
I feel unworthy of someone like Marcy.

Al:
Yeah, she is a special person. By the way, here is her wedding ring that she lost down some guy's jock in a strip club last night. Anyway, how do you like those Bears this year?

Steve Rhoades:
Wait a sec, Al. What's this about Marcy's wedding ring?

Al:
Oh yeah, yeah, ah... it was returned to me by the stripper whose underpants it was wedged in.

Steve Rhoades:
WHAT?

Marcy Rhodes:
Steve is going to go crazy. My wedding ring is gone forever.

Peggy Bundy:
Oh Marcy, calm down. Men don't notice things like that.

Marcy Rhodes:
Not Steven, he notices everything. Do you know what we do in bed sometimes?

Peggy Bundy:
Yeah, Bud tells us.

Al Bundy:
I thought you said you had money put away.

Griff:
I did, but then I bought a corn dog and a kiddie Coke and there went my nest egg.

Griff:
You sure make one UGLY hobbit.

Al Bundy:
I happen to be the Elfineer!

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy:
Shove the fruitcake, you b*tch.

Al:
All right, listen. We've got two young, eager boys hanging around us. You know what that makes us?

Griff:
Michael Jackson?

Al:
Oh, what, you wanna rub it in, huh? Well, that's fine. Because firing me was the best thing you could've done. 'Cause I have a better job now, with more responsibility. And a big hat, too. So you can take your shoe store job and shove it because I have something that's even more important. My self respect.

Gary:
You can have your job back.

Al:
[desperately relieved] Thank you. Thank you.

[having found out certain similarities between his and Hal's and Griff's lives]

Al Bundy:
Congratulations, boys, you've peaked. You're gonna slave away in here day in, day out, year in, year out, until one day you'll be close to 50, and you'll be an elf, driving a choo-choo! [walks off, laughing]

Angry Woman in the Shoe Store:
I can't belive these shoes don't come in a lower heel.

Hal, Shoe Salesman:
Oh, they will. Just stand up on them!

Al Bundy:
What kind of job are you doing?

Griff:
I got an executive position in the overnight-delivery business.

Mall Manager:
Hey, Blitzen, get your tail back over to the sled!

[a raindeer dancer approaches]

Reindeer Dancer:
[high-pitched voice] Hi, I'm Prancer.

Al Bundy:
No kidding.

Reindeer Dancer:
[to Griff] Come on, Blitzen. It's time to get into our harness.

Al Bundy:
What kind of reindeer games you playing over there, Griff?

Griff:
One more crack out of your and I'll kick your curly-toed butt.

Bud Bundy:
It was us. It was her. We stole your Mary and Joseph Nativity statues.

Kelly Bundy:
We still have your statues.

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy:
Good, because if so much as one hair is missing off their heads...

Bud Bundy:
They don't have any heads!

Al:
I've had a rotten day, and I'm in a foul mood. A fat woman came into the shoe store today and said that she was a size five. I shoved her hoof into a shoe, my thumb got stuck in the back of the shoe. She panicked, reared up, and galloped around the store, dragging me on the floor behind her. Thank God a stick of butter popped out of her purse, so I was able to grease my way out of there.

Al:
Why did you want be to believe you were God?

Sidney Rimhollow:
Because you assumed I was God. So, I just decided to play along since this is the most fun I've had since I've been here.

Al:
Trying to pass yourself off as God? That's it! I'm telling on you. Where is he?

Sidney Rimhollow:
No, no! You mustn't disturb God! He's in his quarters watching Knots Landing.

Al:
Huh. I always wondered why that show was never cancelled.

[Al is under house arrest in his basement]

Peggy:
Oh, Al. It's time for your conjugal visit.

Al:
No! No! Help Me!

Peggy:
Shut up, Al! You're my b*tch now!

Bud:
Gee, Dad, Mom left teeth marks all over your neck.

Al:
No, son, that was me, I tried to sever my own jugular. Damn clotting.

Bud:
Okay, I'll let you go, but you've gotta promise to give me a head start.

[Bud removes the wire from Al's neck]

Al:
Sure, Son, what do you think I'm gonna do? Hunt you down like a dog and kill you? Sure, a normal father would do that, but we're Bundys.

Bud:
Oh God. What does that mean, you're gonna eat me?

Al:
Well, your laziness, your sloping forehead, your... ability to catch flies with your tongue.

Bud:
This is what you call a pat on the back?

Al:
No, no, no, Son, see, you got mad like anybody would, but you got mad and EVEN. That's what makes you part of the grand Bundy Tradition. I'll never forget my old man, sweet guy. Sold my Schwin for the price of a drink. I was so mad at him, before he knew it, I enlisted him into the Army. But the time he came back from Korea, boy, he was so ticked off, good thing he was in a wheelchair.